LARRY KING IS STILL INSANE: The excitable senior covers Kristen-Ashley by jabbering, “How does the escort feel, Kathleen? And, apparently, it’s going to get, if the term is right, more huge.” [Extreme Mortman]

Chuck Norris doesn’t like when people mess with his friends, man. And he is sick, man, just sick of how we are all raggin’ on Mike’s son, David. It’s dirty politics, and Chuck Norris doesn’t play politics. He just kicks some ass.

Finally, Donny and Marie Osmond have come out of Utah hills to speak on behalf of Mitt Romney. “I think it’s a bit of a popularity contest,” Donny tells Larry King last night. Insightful! Marie, not dancing and very much conscious, addressed whether or not Romney should deliver a speech about religion like JFK did in 1960, in which he said issues of communism, poverty, education and the space race overshadowed issues of faith. Romney advisers maintain the candidate should NOT deliver the “What’s Wrong With Being A Mormon?” speech, but it has been reported that Mitt has studied the phrasing, punctuation and cadence of Kennedy infamous 1960 speech.

Osmonds on fellow Mormon Mitt Romney [CNN]

What happens when senile old weirdo Larry King interviews a brain-dead Bush daughter? Nobody makes any goddamned sense, that’s what. [Jossip]

Extreme Mortman bravely brought our attention to last night’s “Larry King Live,” which is apparently still being broadcast on CNN. After reading and re-reading the excerpt about “weird mustard” (wasabi) and “green stuff there” (chives) and “peas” (capers), we had to go waste 15 minutes going through the entire absurd transcript, just to bring you this priceless exchange from the end of the program: MORE »

KING: One of my favorite foods is bagels and lox and cream cheese. They put out a whole assortment. I have no idea what this is, peas.
RAMSAY: They’re called capers.
KING: Capers, green stuff here.
RAMSAY: Chives. [Extreme Mortman]

* Heard on the Hill: Tax cheat testifies before the Senate in prison jumpsuit, borrowed jacket… Chuck Schumer has a coughing fit watching Harry Reid talk to NPR… Trent Lott: never would’ve gone on Imus’ show… Howie Mandel is coming to the Hill to talk about his terrible fear of germs. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Candidates have kids! [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Larry King: “I’ve never understood what softball means.” Oh, and what the hell: “When he interviews Kermit the Frog, King actually believes he’s talking to a frog.” … Alec Baldwin is not a vegan… George Michael took John Lennon’s piano to Ford’s Theater, where Abraham Lincoln was shot. He was v v high when he came up with this idea… John Cusack will be at the WHCA dinner. [Examiner]
* The Sleuth: The Justice Department’s copy machine broke. Then their car got a flat. [WP]
* Washington Whispers: Gen. George Casey to Martha Raddatz: “Terrific job on the book … especially for a girl!” … Election 2008 will cost $5 billion… Zbigniew Brzezinski is a little concerned about our secret war with Iran… Bob Gates hates the barbecue in DC. [USN&WR]

We missed Laura Bush on the Larry King show the other night, because there’s no way in hell we’re watching Larry King Live, ever. But our beloved Firstest Lady made some interesting remarks about her husband’s catastrophe over in Iraq:

“And many parts of Iraq are stable now. But, of course, what we see on television is the one bombing a day that discourages everybody.”

Actually, most days go by without any Iraq bombings on television, but we get the basic idea — it’s the same idea boldly expressed on Iraq Occupation fansites: The Main Stream Media is not telling us the Good News about Iraq! MORE »

Rudy Giuliani, America’s rat-faced cousin-marrying mayor, has blatantly been running for president for years and years, and has even filed paperwork to that effect and raised more money than you or I will ever see in that cause, but, in some science-fiction way that nobody can really explain, he wasn’t really running for president because he, like, didn’t say the words in the right order or something. Last night he did, on Larry King (presumably Regis was booked), but he brought his own special brand of Rudy charm to the exercise by declaring in the language of a sullen sixteen-year-old who’s been asked to take out the garbage: MORE »

Confused by everything and at war with the Modern World, Larry King is semi-living proof that CNN needs to immediately implement a mandatory retirement age. On his special program about Gerald Ford, the King of Teevee fought a brave battle against clear, simple statements. Here’s the transcript hilarity, starting with Bob Woodword’s recent recording of Gerald Ford very clearly hating on the Iraq Occupation:

FORD: I don’t think if I had been president on the basis of the facts as I saw them publicly, I don’t think I would have wanted the Iraqi war. I would have maximized our efforts through sanctions, through restrictions, whatever, to find another answer.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

KING: That was a little difficult to understand…

WOODWARD: He had…

KING: He was, in essence, saying what about Iraq?

WOODWARD: Well, he said specifically — and this is in 2004 — that he wouldn’t have gone to war in Iraq if he had been president. He said, “I don’t think, if I had been president, on the basis of the facts as I saw them publicly, I don’t think I would have ordered the Iraq War. I would have maximized our effort through sanctions, through restrictions, whatever, to find another answer.” He made it very clear that he did not agree with the reasons that President Bush laid out for the war, namely the belief that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq or that there was some obligation that the United States or the president had…

KING: Tom…

Larry King Live [CNN]

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