Wonkette

Oh hell, the New York Times op-ed page is now warning of UFOs. Tuesday’s paper had an op-ed by this Nick Pope guy, who was actually the British Government’s factotum who had to take down the Anomalous Aerial Phenomena reports from the English and Scottish people, after they staggered home from the pub. MORE »

Jesse Ventura, the former governor of Minnesota, has given the collective electorate blue balls for a whole week. We’ve been anxiously awaiting his declaration of candidacy for Senate against incumbent Republican Norm “Boxcar Willie” Coleman and Democrat Al Franken, who used to be a comedian once. But then Jesse Ventura went on the Larry King last night and said he wouldn’t be running after all, boo. MORE »

Jenna Bush loves planning her wedding and walking around with feed sacks, but there’s one thing she might not love so much: John McCain. In a shocking appearance with her mother on Larry King Live, she allowed as how she might not be voting for a Republican in the fall. Her incendiary remarks, after the jump! MORE »

CNN host Larry King, the only man in America older than John McCain, has a 9-year-old son who plays Little League baseball in Beverly Hills. And because Larry King grew up back when the sport was called “stickball” and involved tossing around a shrunken pig’s bladder stuffed with India ink, lignum vitae, and torn drafts of the Constitution, he is an Expert who coaches his son’s team. It appears that Coach King didn’t take his mood-control pills the other day, because he flew into a rage at an umpire! MORE »

LARRY KING IS STILL INSANE: The excitable senior covers Kristen-Ashley by jabbering, “How does the escort feel, Kathleen? And, apparently, it’s going to get, if the term is right, more huge.” [Extreme Mortman]

Chuck Norris doesn’t like when people mess with his friends, man. And he is sick, man, just sick of how we are all raggin’ on Mike’s son, David. It’s dirty politics, and Chuck Norris doesn’t play politics. He just kicks some ass.

Finally, Donny and Marie Osmond have come out of Utah hills to speak on behalf of Mitt Romney. “I think it’s a bit of a popularity contest,” Donny tells Larry King last night. Insightful! Marie, not dancing and very much conscious, addressed whether or not Romney should deliver a speech about religion like JFK did in 1960, in which he said issues of communism, poverty, education and the space race overshadowed issues of faith. Romney advisers maintain the candidate should NOT deliver the “What’s Wrong With Being A Mormon?” speech, but it has been reported that Mitt has studied the phrasing, punctuation and cadence of Kennedy infamous 1960 speech.

Osmonds on fellow Mormon Mitt Romney [CNN]

What happens when senile old weirdo Larry King interviews a brain-dead Bush daughter? Nobody makes any goddamned sense, that’s what. [Jossip]

Extreme Mortman bravely brought our attention to last night’s “Larry King Live,” which is apparently still being broadcast on CNN. After reading and re-reading the excerpt about “weird mustard” (wasabi) and “green stuff there” (chives) and “peas” (capers), we had to go waste 15 minutes going through the entire absurd transcript, just to bring you this priceless exchange from the end of the program: MORE »

KING: One of my favorite foods is bagels and lox and cream cheese. They put out a whole assortment. I have no idea what this is, peas.
RAMSAY: They’re called capers.
KING: Capers, green stuff here.
RAMSAY: Chives. [Extreme Mortman]