Tag Archives: larry craig

  Stop dick-checking everybody in the bathroom TUCKER

Hey, Remember When Tucker Carlson Beat Up That Gay Dude In The Bathroom?

This piece has been UPDATED, because this is a post about Tucker Carlson being creepy about transgender people in bathrooms, and we are smacking ourselves on the face and on the bottom, because we forgot to talk about that in the context of the time Tucker panicked and beat up a gay in the bathroom at Georgetown, we are A Idiot and We Are Fired! More on that icky story in a moment. Read more on Hey, Remember When Tucker Carlson Beat Up That Gay Dude In The Bathroom?…
  Was Never Interviewed By Jake Tapper

Idaho Republicans Tap Larry Craig For Financial Head

Stop stalling
In an inspiring holiday story of forgiveness and redemption, the Idaho Republican Party has welcomed back former Sen. Larry Craig, installing him this week as “financial chair of its executive committee.” It’s heartening to know that even after Craig was arrested in 2007 and charged with soliciting sex in a bathroom stall in the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport, then ordered to pay the Treasury Department roughly $242,000 after using campaign funds to cover his legal defense, Idaho Republicans are still willing to give Sen. Widestance a second chance. Read more on Idaho Republicans Tap Larry Craig For Financial Head…
  Now From Our Boise Bureau

Idahoans Like Butch Otter, Hate Hillary Clinton, Go Both Ways On Potatoes

Looks like the pogayto will be getting a lot of work now
Our pals at Public Policy Polling (we like to say they’re our pals, but they don’t know us from Adam’s off ox) have graced us with a poll on the Idaho midterm elections, and you will be astonished to learn that Idahoans are probably going to elect a bunch of Republicans again. Read more on Idahoans Like Butch Otter, Hate Hillary Clinton, Go Both Ways On Potatoes…
  the gods are smiling on us

Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!

Life is full of important lessons. Look both ways before crossing the street. If you are a professional sportsball player, don’t domestic violence a woman on video. Ladies, don’t get raped. And today, we learn a political lesson: If you are a closeted Republican politician soliciting anonymous gay sex in airport bathrooms, you CANNOT use campaign funds to try to reverse your guilty plea. Who knew?!? Read more on Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!…
  rogues gallery

Here Is Your Rick Perry Mugshot And All The Other Great Ones Too

Tuesday was the day for Gov. Rick “Yosemite Sam” Perry to turn himself into the authorities for fingerprinting, mugshot-taking, and general merriment over the extremely thin felony charges he faces over defunding the Travis County Public Integrity Unit. Finally, we would have the answer to the question that has plagued us ever since the charges were announced: Glasses or No Glasses? As you can see above, Yosemite Rick went with No Glasses and a tight grimace that says “I can’t believe I have to put up with this shit,” like a businessman who got pulled over for a DUI after a couple too many bourbons at his Midland country club. Read more on Here Is Your Rick Perry Mugshot And All The Other Great Ones Too…
  wad!

Wonkette After Dark: Your Politician Sex Scandal Choose Your Own Word-Lib!

Is it just us, or has it been a long time since we had a really revolting sex scandal? What was the last one, Bob Filner? That was a “good” one. We are trying to remember before that but Big Dave Petraeus, Mark “Soul Mate” Sanford, and Mr. Wide Stance Bromance Larry Craig are all mashed together in the men’s room of our memory. Maybe those weren’t all revolting, but a lot of words were writ upon the subject of their humpings, so many that we got bored, even of the Petraeus one which was fairly actually sexy. (Mark Sanford actually got himself elected to Congress not too long ago, remember that? Cripes.) Oh yeah, Anthony Weiner, almost forgot! So, so blissfully close to forgetting… So anyway, we figured — rather than wait for the next spectacular lapse of self-control, let’s just make up our own! We have written a story like one you might read on a real news place. After the jump, you can Fill In The Blanks of our story to create your very own juvenile political sex scandal, probably with the word “penis” in every sentence. Penis is not even a verb, guys, come on. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Your Politician Sex Scandal Choose Your Own Word-Lib!…
  blowvember comes early this year

Virginia Laws Against Anal, Oral Sex Go Down, And Now You Can Too!

Virginia is now really, truly for lovers. And not just the boring penis-in-vagina kind of lovers, but now you can put your naughty bits in whatever orifice you would like, even in the butt! Per WaPo: More than a decade after the Supreme Court declared such bans unconstitutional, Virginia lawmakers have taken a ban on oral and anal sex out of the state code. Congrats, Virginia! Welcome to life in post-Puritan America. We look forward to cops high-fiving Larry Craig blowing Rick Santorum’s brains out in the men’s room of Dulles airport.  Read more on Virginia Laws Against Anal, Oral Sex Go Down, And Now You Can Too!…
  wonksplainer

Here Is Exactly How The IRS Is Going To Put All The Tea Party Groups In FEMA Camps: A Wonksplainer

Sigh. We thought this whole IRS scandal-not-scandal was over and done with. You know, the one where Tea Party groups turned the butthurt up to eleven because the IRS decided to see if they were being honest in their tax-exempt applications (hint: they weren’t). Even though some groups faced extra scrutiny, we learned that many other groups – including liberal and hard-to-define-on-the-political-spectrum groups — also faced scrutiny from the IRS. It seems that the GOP just can’t quit you victimhood. The IRS is seeking to clarify rules around what these tax-exempt organizations (known as 501(c)4 organizations because of the specific tax exemption they are seeking) can do as far as politicking and not paying taxes. But according to the GOP, via Fox News: “This proposed rule is an affront to free speech itself,” [GOP] lawmakers wrote in a letter to IRS Commissioner John Koskinen. Did you know that the IRS can completely override the First Amendment? We didn’t either, because this is a total bullshit exercise by the GOP to desperately hang on to a non-scandal in order to excite the tin-foil-hat-wearing wing of the party, meaning ALL OF THEM. Wonksplanation ahead. Read more on Here Is Exactly How The IRS Is Going To Put All The Tea Party Groups In FEMA Camps: A Wonksplainer…
  nice time!

Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!

While 2013 certainly kept all the womyn busy in the kitchen baking shitmuffins, there were some bright and awesome spots where legislators on the national stage groped around to find long-lost sets of (gender-neutral) testicles and stood up for everything that is right and just in this world. In order to honor those men and women who encouraged us to step slowly away from the ledge, we have created the most coveted award in all the land: Legislative Badass of the Year. Despite tough competition from both chambers, we proudly present this year’s award to… ELIJAH CUMMINGS! Before we salivate and slobber and talk up this year’s champ, we have to give mad props (is that still a thing? We don’t know because old) to several runners-up who made us smile and feel good in all the right places. Read more on Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!…
  an enigma wrapped in a nonentity

Meet Idaho Senator ‘Jim Risch,’ Who Apparently Exists (And Voted For Default)

This feature brought to you by a conversation in the Sekrit Wonkette ChatCave immediately following the Senate’s vote to end the shutdown. Yr Doktor Zoom, shaking his head, observed that both of Idaho’s senators had voted for default. Yr Editrix recognized Mike Crapo on the roll call of miscreants, because who forgets a name like “Crapo,” but the other Idaho senator’s name left her asking “Risch? Who the fuck is Risch? I have literally never heard that name before in my life.” A quick poll of other ChatCave denizens revealed that he was a cipher to them as well, one of Alex’s “every ‘Oh, that dick’ in the world’s worst deliberative body, plus a few ‘Who?’s.” Rebecca S: I think Dok has infected my computer to put up a fake google saying “James Risch” is an Idaho senator. “Senator Risch was elected to the United States Senate in November of 2008…” HE HAS BEEN THERE FIVE YEARS???? And so, let’s take a moment to confirm the existence of a U.S. Senator whose existence, like that of Sasquatch, is largely conjectural. Read more on Meet Idaho Senator ‘Jim Risch,’ Who Apparently Exists (And Voted For Default)…
  gross things to eat

Delicious Recipes From Ancient American Congressional Wives

Most Americans today completely ignore politics and Congress, and most of those who follow the stuff very intensely are, you know, insane, and the only “congressional recipe” America’s Abused Liberals know about is the Larry Craig “super tuber,” which is a wiener forced inside a hole cored in a potato, again and again, until both the wiener and the potato are spent. WE FEEL YOUR DOUBT SO GO NOW AND LOOK AT THIS, THEN COME BACK. There. Do you feel better? Of course you don’t. Let’s talk about History instead — the history of Congressional Cookbooks of Olden Times When Blacks Were Still Legally Prevented From Voting In Most States and World War I veterans were smashed and beaten in the streets of Washington by active-duty troops led by MacArthur and Eisenhower. You know, 1933! The last Great Depression! Read more on Delicious Recipes From Ancient American Congressional Wives…
  meet your candidates

Idaho Cartoon Villain Will Save Congress

GAH! So. Can we safely assume that Harley D. Brown, this thick anger-monster running for Congress in Idaho, is familiar with the one and only Super Tuber? [Harley D. Brown for Congress] Read more on Idaho Cartoon Villain Will Save Congress…
  bathroom goblin's new beginning

Larry Craig Opens Consulting Firm

According to “Wonkett” bylaws, everything Larry Craig does is 30% funnier by virtue of the fact that it was done by Larry Craig, the winsome bathroom goblin who repeatedly tried to appeal his own guilty plea after he was arrested in a “cruisy toilet” looking for a hot slice of man to get down with. The former senator has opened a consulting firm and has four whole clients! How much would you pay for his professional advice? Read more on Larry Craig Opens Consulting Firm…
  freaks

Baseball Team Makes Two-Faced Bobblehead Monster In Honor Of Coleman-Franken

The St. Paul Saints made a funny Larry Craig souvenir to hand out at their games last year, and what better to follow it up with this year than a bobblehead showing Al Franken and Norm Coleman joined at the cranium and wearing a Sesame Street costume? (This is the image that Hugh Hewitt masturbates to every night.) Sadly, the Saints have not yet released a photo of this little doll, and you do NOT want to just do random Internet searches on two-faced monsters, so to your right you see a lovely harmless little Roman god with “key and cock,” which are two things Franken and Coleman lack. [Star Tribune] Read more on Baseball Team Makes Two-Faced Bobblehead Monster In Honor Of Coleman-Franken…
  we know not this 'ehaiq'

Priceless Valuable Discovered In Local Underwear Drawer

Wonkette queer memorabilia operative “Laura” has excavated the D.C. equivalent of a full velociraptor skeleton: “I was just cleaning my room and found Larry Craig’s signed Senate business card in my underwear drawer (along with other mementos from a high school trip to DC). Holy crap! I don’t know what to do with it! What do you think…eBay it or frame and hang it on my bathroom wall?” Laura for god’s sake, IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM. And take good care of it, it is probably deteriorating after years of being surrounded by Craig Kryponite. Read more on Priceless Valuable Discovered In Local Underwear Drawer…
  republicans in the news

Gay Larry Craig Gives Up Fighting Gay Cruising Conviction

Idaho bathroom goblin Larry Craig is out of the Senate and (sort of) out of the closet. The notorious homosexual Republican will no longer fight his conviction for “disorderly conduct” in a Minneapolis airport men’s room, where he was cruising a notorious “cruisy toilet” for gay bathroom sex with a man, who turned out to be an on-duty cop conducting a “sting operation against men cruising for gay sex.” Read more on Gay Larry Craig Gives Up Fighting Gay Cruising Conviction…
  gop in the news

Nobody Wants To See Gay Larry Craig’s Gay Airport Bathroom Now

Larry Craig is a terrible closeted homosexual and right-wing Idaho “Super Tuber” who was also a loathsome crooked senator who would basically do whatever the land rapists asked, as long as he could keep up the bathroom ass-fucking/sucking. He was America’s Greatest Hero and the symbol of the Republican Party. But now nobody wants to see the tawdry public toilet at the Minneapolis airport where he was last caught plying his particular rough trade. Read more on Nobody Wants To See Gay Larry Craig’s Gay Airport Bathroom Now…
  vulgar sex criminals

Larry Craig Latest Sex-Scandal Republican To Lose Legal Appeal

Just a day after fellow bathroom goblin Bob “Twenty Dollar” Allen failed yet again in his own absurd quest to expunge all hints of gayness from his police record, the original Idaho toilet troll Larry Craig lost his most recent appeal. Craig was arrested for trying to pick up a cop in a Minneapolis airport men’s room, blah blah blah, and ever since he has been trying to convince legal authorities that he just has a “wide stance” when he urinates in a very heterosexual manner in public restrooms. Read more on Larry Craig Latest Sex-Scandal Republican To Lose Legal Appeal…
  boy howdy

Country Music Star Tries To Pick Up Sarah Palin

The scene: John McCain, Sarah Palin, a NASCAR venue, in the capital of the Confederacy, tens of thousands of hardcore Republicans, a performance by country hobo Hank Williams Jr. If your skin had higher melanin levels than, say, Bob Barr’s, THIS WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN A SAFE DAY TRIP. Otherwise, it seemed to be a pleasant affair today in Richmond. Williams sung a delightful song for Sarah Palin about how she is a woman. The lyrics included, “How can you be so smart and be such a good lookin’ dish?” ABC News adds, “The song compares Palin to a ‘momma bear in Idaho’ protecting her cubs, ready to protect America.” The senior senator from Idaho, in contrast, does not favor bears in Idaho protecting themselves. [ABC News] Read more on Country Music Star Tries To Pick Up Sarah Palin…
  important legal battles of our time

Larry Craig’s Lawyers Back In Court, Wasting Everyone’s Time

Ahh, it’s nice to see America’s Lawyer Class bravely challenging the fascist state’s overreach with a devastating reach-around of its own: “An attorney for U.S. Sen. Larry Craig told a Minnesota appeals court Wednesday that the lawmaker should be able to withdraw his guilty plea to a charge stemming from a gay sex sting arrest because there’s not enough evidence he did anything illegal.” Can you imagine being this attorney for U.S. Sen. Larry Craig? Obviously he knows that his client sucks more cock on any given trip to the airport than a large group of evangelical preachers does on a three-week sojourn to Thailand for “missionary work.” And yet there he is, in court today, trying to overturn a minor GUILTY PLEA for a lame-duck gay clown. [Idaho Statesman] Read more on Larry Craig’s Lawyers Back In Court, Wasting Everyone’s Time…
  swanky parties

Magical Sex Orgy Comes To Washington

Oooh this looks sexy, what the hell is it? “Cuddle Party is a playful social event designed for adults to explore communication, boundaries and affection.” The website also has… Cuddlemonials: “You continue to open new arenas up for me in regard to my own sexuality and my love for women, as well as in learning to love myself and my body.” So basically at Cuddle Party, you just fuck for a while. And one is coming to DC! Read more on Magical Sex Orgy Comes To Washington…
  for our records

Update: Larry Craig Is Still Gay

It is not even a slow news day, but all the news is about tire pressure so kill us now. So we went to Idaho Senior Senator Larry Craig’s webpage to see if anything gay was going on and lo and behold, everything gay was going on, in this one screen cap. What a frightening devil this one is, oh, what a terror. [Larry Craig] Read more on Update: Larry Craig Is Still Gay…