First of all, Sarah Palin, go to HELL for ruining your editor’s day of patriotic rest and BBQ. Second, why did you really quit, crazy lady? We admit to “jumping to conclusions” (trying to hurry up and get back outside to our cocktails and friends), but the story may be more complicated than “Sarah Palin is a sociopath who will just quit being governor of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election, just to show her, uhm, Leadership Credentials, which means constantly yelling at David Letterman about a joke she couldn’t comprehend.” But there are so many more crazy theories about America’s craziest Alaskan Anger Bear, the snowbilly grifter and strip-mall Ice Queen of Wasilla. Let’s examine them, together! MORE »

Nearly a year ago, in a faraway land called “Minnesota Nice,” two Patriotic Jews fought an epic battle, if by “fought” you mean “people who were already going to vote for president also voted for one of these dorks (or the Lizard People) running for U.S. Senate.” One of them, the rich Hollywood liberal from Minneapolis, wasn’t anybody’s idea of a prize, but he beat the other guy, some kind of lamer from St. Paul. And that other guy, Norm Coleman, who always loses every campaign, just would not give up, because if he admitted defeat then Barack Obama would have 60 Democrats in the Senate and, well, let’s just say it will be “Good-bye Christianity and Hello Women’s Studies & the Hip Hop.” Anyway, the state Supreme Court says Franken won, the end. [Star Tribune]

Anybody who says the Associated Press is not the most important wire service with “AP” as its initials just plain hates good journalism. Following up on yesterday’s scorcher about how there were five (5) other governors who did something vaguely weird once, over the course of American state history, today AP headquarters in New York offers up what just might be the most cogent yet blistering assessment of the Mark Sanford “Argentine Firecracker” scandal thus far: Sanford is a Republican governor doing lame, creepy things … just like all those other Republican governors trying to make a name for themselves in the GOP’s final days. MORE »

The 2008 Minnesota Senate race is still going strong, nearly eight months later. What comical new developments can we enjoy together? Oh, how about this, from the Star-Tribune: “A three-judge panel today required Republican Norm Coleman to pay Democrat Al Franken $94,783 to cover court costs …. Coleman will also have to pay interest on the $94,783 until the debt is paid.” And which three judges added further expensive humiliation to Norm’s life of failure? The answer may surprise you! MORE »

Republican operative Ralph Nader is always plotting against the Democrats, so now he’s back with the explosive charges that slimy rum-swigging scam artist Terry McAuliffe offered the Nader campaign some money — maybe fifty bucks? — to stay out of tough states in the 2004 presidential election. And how’d that work out? Well, the Democrats lost, though not because of Nader. (Hint: IT WAS KERRY & EDWARDS’ FAULT, FOR BEING AWFUL.) And now Terry’s running for governor of Virginia, what will happen?! MORE »

Weren’t we just talking about Larry King? Yes we were! Well, the “king of all media” has some very special guests tonight, straight from the meth/moose/Taco Bell capital of the world, Wasilla. The singular Levi and Mercede Johnston will sit down this evening with Hollywood’s favorite death muppet, and dope-dealin’ mom Sherry Johnston is coming along for the ride. (The ride will be in an actual pickup truck, driven from Alaska. Sherry will be shotgun. Mercede likes to be closest to Levi, in the night.) MORE »

What is this, the famous journal of conservative thought (now begging you to subscribe for HALF OFF!) is calling on Brave Norm Coleman to actually give up fighting this election he lost to an actual teevee clown? In one of the typical remedial-blog-posting bits which make “The Corner” required reading in, we don’t know, maybe child prison camps?, Ramesh Ponnuru dramatically makes the case that Coleman should give up the fight. MORE »

Oh boy oh boy the GOP Death-Fart Ultimate Fighting Murder Match continues! David Frum, annoying former George W. Bush speechwriter but generally inoffensive conservative, uses the pages of Newsweek to kick a couple of new assholes in Rush Limbaugh, because why not? Frum’s mouth-breathing detractors will note that he’s no longer officially a wingnut because he left the National Review after acknowledging that Sarah Palin is a moron and John McCain is a loser. And the Republicans continue to hilariously finish themselves off in a bitch fight over the grotesque carnival pig Rush Limbaugh, the end. [Newsweek]

OH NOES, TEEVEE DOCTOR WON’T WORK FOR OBAMA: Whatever happened with what’s-his-name, the CNN doctor character Sanjay Gupta, who was maybe going to join the Obama Administration as Ceremonial Doctor, in January? HE IS NOT DOING IT, THAT’S WHAT (because John Conyers said he couldn’t, months ago). And if you want to know why, in March 2009 (tonight), you are expected to watch Larry fucking King, no thank you. [CNN]

Bland Maryland nobody Michael Steele could’ve gone the rest of his life bothering absolutely nobody at all — personally, he is about as offensive as a kitten. But fate and history combined to elevate him from “former lieutenant governor of some Eastern Seaboard state and perennial campaign loser” to leader of the Republican Party! All because those mean Democrats got a black man elected president and left the GOP scrambling to find anybody “of color.” MORE »

At a time when America was dangerously low on political comedy, swollen swamp boil Rush Limbaugh has come through like a champ — providing not only schadenfreude-sweet laughs, but a new gimmick for Democratic fundraising campaigns. All hoped out from donating to Obama last year? Which, you know, worked out pretty well? Maybe you’d like to throw some money at the completely juvenile effort to put a mean billboard in Limbaugh’s tacky town. MORE »