Nearly 20 months to the day of the Filipino Monkey Attacks, a shocking radio-CNN-terrorism incident was or was not committed right here in Washington, on the famous Potomac River, home to several overpriced brunch/graduation restaurants with nautical themes, plus a yacht where Larry Craig used to live and “secretly” fuck men who hated him. WHAT, you do not remember the Filipino Monkey Attacks of January 14, 2008? God, are you even American? Michael Moore’s website is THAT WAY, to the LEFT. MORE »

Remember that weird day earlier this week when famous wingnut pamphlet National Review made that bold anti-birther stand, saying it was really time to distance the once-respected conservative mag from the retard-right “Nobama’s the illegal alien” trailer-park circus? Well, ha ha, whoops, never mind: “On reflection, I think this was an ill-considered assertion.” And blam, four pages of Errg, where’s the long-term certification I heard that’s considerable different from short-stop computer certificates? Blacks can’t be president! [National Review]

Back in the good old days of making shit up about the Democrat president, mysterious gazillionaires like Richard Mellon Scaife or Montgomery Burns would give you piles of money for your wacky pursuit. The Web is still home to many such wingnut cesspools launched with Scaife’s riches! But these days, Christ, not even a full-time Birther can make a few bucks, even though he spent two of his last sad years on Earth dedicated to proving coloreds can’t be president. MORE »

Read the boring old ghost-written industrial-lobby press release “op ed” under Sarah Palin’s byline in the Washington Post today if you want the neocon elitist version of the Alaskan idiot. For the real “Let Sarah be batshit Sarah” Palin, you must look (with horror) upon her Twitter page. MORE »

SHUT UP, CLOWN-MOOSE: Erratic wingnut Sarah Palin is ready to rehabilitate her comical image! Only 23% of Americans approve of this fame-crazed snowbilly grifter — Hi, Republican base! — so it’s time for Palin to “write” an op-ed for the important neo-con pamphlet The Washington Post. It’s an unfunny collection of super-short paragraphs about how Obama will destroy America by, uh, let’s see, how about that cap-and-trade stuff nobody in this country understands, even though it might help the Earth, as far as the Melting? Thank Allah the entire WaPo copy desk spent a few days on this thing, so it wouldn’t read like Sarah’s late-night dumbass Twitters. [Washington Post]

Army Major (?!) Stefan Frederick Cook is supposed to be shipped to Afghanistan this week, to fight in the war there, as Army people are often expected to do in times of war. But instead, he’s seeking some kind of restraining order, in federal court, because he does NOT want to go there to that war, because he has some very legitimate concerns about Barack Obama’s birth in Hawaii forty-seven years ago. Also, this Army Major’s court complaint says he’s super scared of committing “war crimes” or something. Should’ve thought about that before those recruiter dudes at the strip mall talked you into enlisting! [Ledger-Enquirer]

You people keep asking us for Teabagger July 4th video and, well, we can’t really find any clips! It’s as if the whole Teabagging Craze died with the 500 people who started it, on April 15, to protest George W. Bush’s tax cuts. But here’s the “traitor” and bloated wingnut John Cornyn being booed by some teabaggers in some place or another. Looks fun! This Crooks & Liars video looks ever less fun, if you can imagine such a thing.

How did you spend the Fourth of July? Maybe having a BBQ with friends and family, watching a fireworks show, and generally enjoying a happy patriotic holiday? Batshit-insane American Quitter Sarah Palin ended her own special “Independence Day” by posting a series of desperate grammar-challenged nonsense and vicious threats on her Facebook and Twitter pages. Really. MORE »

Nutty Palin spokeslady Meg Stapleton was in New York when Nutty Palin suddenly resigned as governor of Alaska, the state that elected her as governor two-and-a-half years ago. Listen to Meg make NO SENSE as a baffled Anderson Cooper asks her again and again, “Lady why are you talking about basketball, and how does quitting equal leadership, and I don’t know who the hoop is, and who the ball is.” Cooper’s expressions around 4:40 are priceless. [CNN/YouTube]

First of all, Sarah Palin, go to HELL for ruining your editor’s day of patriotic rest and BBQ. Second, why did you really quit, crazy lady? We admit to “jumping to conclusions” (trying to hurry up and get back outside to our cocktails and friends), but the story may be more complicated than “Sarah Palin is a sociopath who will just quit being governor of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election, just to show her, uhm, Leadership Credentials, which means constantly yelling at David Letterman about a joke she couldn’t comprehend.” But there are so many more crazy theories about America’s craziest Alaskan Anger Bear, the snowbilly grifter and strip-mall Ice Queen of Wasilla. Let’s examine them, together! MORE »

Nearly a year ago, in a faraway land called “Minnesota Nice,” two Patriotic Jews fought an epic battle, if by “fought” you mean “people who were already going to vote for president also voted for one of these dorks (or the Lizard People) running for U.S. Senate.” One of them, the rich Hollywood liberal from Minneapolis, wasn’t anybody’s idea of a prize, but he beat the other guy, some kind of lamer from St. Paul. And that other guy, Norm Coleman, who always loses every campaign, just would not give up, because if he admitted defeat then Barack Obama would have 60 Democrats in the Senate and, well, let’s just say it will be “Good-bye Christianity and Hello Women’s Studies & the Hip Hop.” Anyway, the state Supreme Court says Franken won, the end. [Star Tribune]