My friends, this election is not what you think it is. It is not about choosing between two candidates (AND RON PAUL WRITE-IN 4 LBRTY) for the next president. Ha! This election has always been about something more fundamentally innate to the American ethos: how easily newspaper reporters can get access to John McCain on his bus or plane between stops. And in today’s Los Angeles Times, one reporter examines her world-historical role in this tragic Sophoclean drama about the will of the Human against the cultural and political and naturalistic forces of the Gods, who sometimes go a whole week without giving a quickie press avail. If this is navel-gazing, then GAZE WE WILL into the NAVEL OF DARKNESS. MORE »

Proving that Obama’s 15-point lead in last week’s Newsweek poll was a liberal hoax, a hot new LA Times poll has Obama’s lead diminishing to a statistically insignificant 12 points, or 15 if you include fictional losers Bob Barr and Ralph Nader. Also, among voters who said they’d vote for McCain, only 45% are “enthusiastic” about doing that (Mexican vs. Muslim, pick your poison etc. etc.), while that figure is 81% for Obama. This just goes to show how screwed the Democrats will be come November. Sooner or later these Obamatards will realize that in the Real World, you don’t “like” politicians or presume they’ve got anything good to offer; you vote for the schlock you completely fucking hate, because why set yourself up for disappointment? [LA Times]

Here is your Friday Recipe For Laughs: Take one sly LA Times political item that dryly suggests Ron Paul’s primary failures somehow scared Mitt Romney out of the campaign, let sit on the Internet for a few minutes, and then add the comments of hundreds of irony-deprived Paultards who think he’s serious. MORE »

Everybody’s favorite 12-year-old ugly child, Chelsea Clinton, is now somewhat hot, and it seems The Clintons have been using that trait at various sorority houses throughout the country to win election points. And she totally supports her mom, because she’s her mom after all! As she told the LA Times, “I find my mom very inspiring.” [Pause]. “But I’m biased.” We understand, formerly ugly girl. [LA Times]

The Los Angeles Times knows what led to the CIA’s destruction of those torture tapes! If you’re wondering why you didn’t read about this, it might be because they broke it like late-morning on Monday — the day before Christmas. Hey, smooth move, guys! I’m sure eeeverybody saw it! Next time, you may want to point your team of crack reporters toward a calendar.

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Today’s Los Angeles Times featured an op-ed from Dr. Daniel G. Amen, neuropsychiatrist to the stars, that kinda hypothesized why Hillary’s a bitch, Rudy’s an ass, Bush is stubborn, Clinton’s a sex fiend, and Cheney is all of the above: They have the crazy brains. And if we don’t test the presidential candidates’ brain health forthwith, well, prepare to get nuked, Random Non-Threatening Country: “A president with brain problems could wreak havoc on the U.S. and the world at large.” In other news, the last 40-odd years of the presidency happened. [LA Times]

Joel Stein has an op-ed piece in the Los Angeles Times today bemoaning the current state of Halloween, in which he laments the fact that the once kid-friendly Satanic festival has been ruinously besmirched by adults running around dressed as sexy nurses, libidinous witches, randy stewardesses, etc. etc. This year, of course, it’ll be even worse when every single party will be befouled by at least one toe-tapping, stall-bound senator. Blah, blah, blah, we hear this stuff every year, right? But then, unexpectedly, Stein comes up with the most wonderful idea! Why not save Halloween for the little bastards by creating a new holiday for adults: Slut Day! We’re listening. MORE »

The “scandal” at the Los Angeles Times op-ed department about celebrity guest editors or whatever was only of interest to the 97,839 current and former reporters from the little-known California newspaper — until shamed Pentagon criminal Donald Rumsfeld was brought into the mix this weekend.

Learn about the most boring whiny-assed people in the world (journalists) and their banal problems, after the jump.

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