Tag Archives: kwame kilpatrick

  first they came for the kwames

Ex-Detroit Mayor/Ben’s Chili Bowl Aficionado Kwame Kilpatrick Going To Jail For Long, Long, Long Time

This is really sad, you guys. Just because a federal jury decided that you can’t run a city like it was your personal organized crime family, former Detroit Mayor/convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick, a man Russell Simmons once called the “Hip Hop Mayor,” may never again enjoys the epicurean delights of Washington DC landmark “Benz Chili Bowl.” You may remember that Kilpatrick enjoyed Washington DC’s signature chilidog joint so much he delayed a visit to his Chief of Staff/mistress Christine Beatty, a woman who once wondered if there was a wrong way to fellate her mayor. Read more on Ex-Detroit Mayor/Ben’s Chili Bowl Aficionado Kwame Kilpatrick Going To Jail For Long, Long, Long Time…
  weekend at kwame's

America’s Most Awful, Sexty Ex-Mayor Goes Back To Jail

If any Wonketteers happens to be in the vicinity of DC meat landmark “Benz Chili Bowl,” it would be really great if you could pick up an original chili half smoke for Detroit’s sexty ex-mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. What you’re gonna wanna do is hide a file inside the delicious pork treat and send it to Kwame care of the “Detroit Reentry Center,” where Kwame will be spending the weekend. Kwame, who spent the majority of his mayoral tenure texting about R. Kelly songs and blow jobs, will be back in jail this weekend for hiding monies from his probation officer. All told, he committed 14 probation violations. Read more on America’s Most Awful, Sexty Ex-Mayor Goes Back To Jail…
  that guy

Kwame Kilpatrick Released From Jail, Makes Bee-Line To Benz Chili Bowl

Sometimes comical ex-Detroit mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, was released from Detroit prison after 99 days of memorable anal sex (and a possible conversion to Muslin!) He was picked up by a private driver (remember to pay taxes on that!) and emerged to the screams of a full dozen insane “fans.” He remains on probation, duh, but this will not deter him from fulfilling the American dream: homesteading, and starting anew, in the West. Hooray for the “safety valve” theory of American expansion! Now let’s all go shoot people hmm? Read more on Kwame Kilpatrick Released From Jail, Makes Bee-Line To Benz Chili Bowl…
  next time just have normal phone sex

Detroit Sexy Text Message Gal Pleads Guilty

Christine Beatty, former Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s former chief of staff and the woman on receiving end of Kilpatrick’s repeated inducements to meet him for some sexytime at the Benz Chili Bowl, got all suited up in a DEMURE RED SWEATER VEST and delivered a heartfelt apology to the people of Detroit after pleading guilty to two felonies. She betrayed the public trust by lying about her affair with this terrible doofus, who himself lied about a whole bunch of things (some of them actually consequential), and they both got caught, the end. The moral of the story is this: never sleep with anyone who thinks LOL is an actual word. [Detroit Free Press] Read more on Detroit Sexy Text Message Gal Pleads Guilty…
  cartoon violence

Hey Here’s An Idea Let’s Talk About Not The Election Maybe?

By the Comics Curmudgeon While most Americans have just now started paying attention to the Presidential election (holy smokes, did you know there’s a black fella running? And some kind of moose lady?), we know that you faithful Wonkette readers have been following it since the day it began, which is to say November 4, 2004. Therefore, because whimsical cartoons are supposed to take your mind away from the daily horrors of your existence, we here at Cartoon Violence offer a one-week respite from the presidential campaign, which we’re sure you’ll appreciate. After that, it’s back to John McCain’s weirdly lumpy cheeks for the next seven weeks, or until we kill ourselves. Read more on Hey Here’s An Idea Let’s Talk About Not The Election Maybe?…
  milestones

Kwame Kilpatrick Puts Country Above Self, Resigns

The most patriotic mayor in the world will not be mayor of Detroit anymore. Kwame Kilpatrick has reached a plea bargain with authorities, so now he has to resign and serve four months in jail, and also he will repay the city ONE MILLION DOLLARS. After the jump, a quick review of the mayor’s goofy hijinks that we shall never see again now that he is an awful humiliated loser who can’t spell “Ben’s Chili Bowl.” Read more on Kwame Kilpatrick Puts Country Above Self, Resigns…
  fly little bird!

Kwame Kilpatrick Allowed To Attend Democratic National Convention

The Mayor of Detroit has gotten into more scrapes than Harriet the Spy and Ramona Quimby combined, times a million. Nonetheless, Kwame Kilpatrick will get to throw off his electronical tether and CUT LOOSE at the Democratic National Convention in Denver later on this month. The judge who has been so mean to him lately, throwing him in jail for various things, said it would be fine for Kilpatrick to go be a superdelegate at the convention because “No one has been found guilty of anything … Let’s not trash the Constitution.” Well, that sounds oddly reasonable! We look forward to running into the Mayor at the Verizon Wireless store, where he will be buying phones to send sexy text messages to Madeleine Albright. [AP] Read more on Kwame Kilpatrick Allowed To Attend Democratic National Convention…
  kilpatrick watch

Kwame Kilpatrick Goes To Jail

The mayor of Detroit keeps getting into comical scrapes, which is great because any time the Detroit Free Press needs to fill its news hole they just look out the window and see what kind of buffoonery Kwame Kilpatrick is engaged in at that hour of the day. In our latest installment, the judge presiding over the mayor’s EIGHT FELONY CASES tells him to go to jail after he visits Canada. Read more on Kwame Kilpatrick Goes To Jail…
  the lolthario of detroit

Kwame Kilpatrick Maybe Sex-Texted Other Hot Ladies!

The Great Romancer of Detroit, Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, may not have confined his sex-LOLs to former aide Christine Beatty. Now the prosecutor in his perjury case, Kym Worthy, has changed the wording in criminal charges to suggest that he was whoring around on women besides Beatty and his wife. In response, this comical doofus said that Worthy was just hoping to use “the racism of this region” against him. Read more on Kwame Kilpatrick Maybe Sex-Texted Other Hot Ladies!…
  kwame kilpatrick is aware of the internet

Kwame Kilpatrick Blames Sexy Text Messages On Hackers

Kwame Kilpatrick, the laughable clown and still-not-fired mayor of Detroit, suggests that INTERNET HAXXORS may have gotten into his phone and sent slutty text messages to his chief of staff. His defense team is arguing that the prosecution (he might go to jail for perjury, obstruction of justice, and aggravated LOLing) must prove that the Mayor himself, and not some prankster, wrote the half-literate messages promising sexytime at the Benz Chili Bowl. At least one legal expert reckons this will not be too difficult. [Freep.com] Read more on Kwame Kilpatrick Blames Sexy Text Messages On Hackers…
  RSVPs

Beloved Detroit Mayor Skips Obama Rally

Sexy text-messager Kwame Kilpatrick doesn’t want his “legal problems” to reflect poorly on Barack Obama, so he won’t be attending a rally to support the candidate in Detroit today. “Legal problems” is certainly one way of putting it! Pretty much everybody in the Detroit metropolitan area has tried to get Mayor Kilpatrick to resign after it came out that he and his staffer ladyfriend basically got a cop fired and later lied about it, all so that they could keep texting each other about how much they wanted to LOL each other in a sexy fashion at the Benz Chili Bowl. Naturally, when the city council tried to fire him he vetoed the motion because that would be Undemocratic. Read more on Beloved Detroit Mayor Skips Obama Rally…
 

Kwame Kilpatrick Vetoes His Own Removal

Things haven’t gotten much better since we last checked in on Kwame Kilpatrick, the comical mayor of Detroit and a leading contender for Barack Obama’s black vice presidency. You may recall that his “woes” include bangin’ his chief of staff — the gal he seduced by texting racy notes about “Benz Chili Bowl” — and then firing a bunch of officials who found out about the affair, which he denied doing last summer until, of course, THE TEXTS CAME OUT. He also held sexy stripper parties at his mayoral mansion. So he’s the best mayor of Detroit since Eminem, and he’s under indictment for everything, and yesterday he basically vetoed his own ouster. Read more on Kwame Kilpatrick Vetoes His Own Removal…
 

A Children’s Treasury of Sexy Text Messages From Detroit’s Greatest Mayor

Let us revert our attention back to the Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, and his human foibles for some time today. Kilpatrick — the greatest mayor in American history — was indicted earlier this year for perjury, obstruction of justice and “conspiracy” along with his former chief of staff, Christine Beatty. Kilpatrick happened to be shtupping Beatty several years ago, and then some city officials got wind of it, and then Kilpatrick fired those city officials for… being lame? And then Kilpatrick and Beatty both completely lied about the nature of these firings in investigative hearings last year. But it was those text messages, those sexy text messages, that the two had exchanged back and forth that did them in. Now an 18-page memo has been released listing all of the good text messages Beatty and Kilpatrick shared. Let’s read them, LOL LOL! Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Sexy Text Messages From Detroit’s Greatest Mayor…
 

How Sex Scandals Ruin Our Democracy

Besides the wives and children, who are the true victims of high-placed leaders’ tawdry sex affairs? Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, of course! Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and indicted Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick are (or were) both Democratic superdelegates. Spitzer was in the tank for Clinton, while Kilpatrick reportedly favors Obama, even though the Obama campaign halfheartedly denies it. So what happens when reckless oversexed Democrats let their personal addictions interfere with their public lives? They make the increasingly weird superdelegate count even less predictable. Of course, none of this matters if Clinton and Obama superdelegates keep cancelling each other out by getting caught in embarrassing situations in equal numbers. [Political Punch, NPR] Read more on How Sex Scandals Ruin Our Democracy…
 

Latest Sex Scandal For Detroit Mayor Involves Strippers, His House

America’s most fun mayor, Detroit’s Kwame Kilpatrick, continues to become a better and better role model — some say the best since Eminem. Wait, who? Oh yes, Detroit and its mayor, who recently was caught for sending sexy sex text messages with his chief of staff, for sex. And now, the Michigan attorney general’s office says it will launch a probe into claims that Kilpatrick “threw a party with strippers at the mayor’s mansion in 2002.” Lady strippers. [AP/NYT] Read more on Latest Sex Scandal For Detroit Mayor Involves Strippers, His House…
 

Detroit Mayor BUSTED For Screwing Chief of Staff

Kwame Kilpatrick — the mayor of America’s healthiest, most booming major city, Detroit — is in TOO much trouble. A series of hot steamy text messages between Kilpatrick and his chief of staff, Christine Beatty, more or less proves that they were fucking, like, a lot. Allegedly. Furthermore, both the mayor and Beatty had denied any sort of sexual relationship in testimony last summer during a “police whistle-blower” trial that cost the city $9 million. Now there may be all sorts of perjury charges and scrutiny and blah blah blah snooze. That’s a waste of our time; instead, let’s check out some of these sexy text messages! Read more on Detroit Mayor BUSTED For Screwing Chief of Staff…