Tag Archives: Koch brothers

  ladies against women

Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn Denies White House Bid, Maybe, Probably, Who Even Knows?

Is it 2016 yet? Have we inaugurated Hillary Clinton already? CNN BREAKING NEWS: No, it is only 2014. Yet rumors persist about who is and is not running for President to replace Our Dreamy Guiding Star of Socialist Hippie Liberalism Barack HU-SANE Obama. It looks like we may have another contender, and she is a vagina-American, per The Leaf Chronicle: A report over the weekend that Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn might launch a 2016 Republican presidential bid spurred a non-denial denial from her campaign staff. Non-denial denial! Does it get any denialier? And ladies, she is running on the platform, quoted by Huffington Post, “It is Republicans that have led the fight for women’s equality.” Move over Michele Bachmann, and step aside Sarah Palin: the GOP has a new woman to steal headlines and be batshit crazy. Let’s non-denialsplore.  Read more on Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn Denies White House Bid, Maybe, Probably, Who Even Knows?…
  taste sensation sweeping the nation

Internet Yells At Middlebrow Chain Eatery Chili’s Until It Stops Selling Anti-Vaccine-Flavored Baby Back Ribs

Is there nothing that the power of internet rumbling cannot now achieve? First a handful of sadmads toppled the CEO of Mozilla because he didn’t like the gays enough, and now the online hooligans have managed to stop Chili’s Restaurants — that shining paragon of weirdly glazed baby back rib-fueled casual dining — from giving money to anti-vaxxers. Will these thugs stop at nothing?? So it is National Autism Awareness month, and it is a good thing to be aware of autism! It is not, however, a good thing to heighten that awareness by deciding to give 10% of all the money your customers give you to a group that believes vaccines cause autism, which Chili’s found out the hard way when the entire internet yelled at them over the weekend. Read more on Internet Yells At Middlebrow Chain Eatery Chili’s Until It Stops Selling Anti-Vaccine-Flavored Baby Back Ribs…
  Whose Democracy Is It Anyway?

Koch Brothers Seek Comic Geniuses For Rightwing Improv Troupe

Well this sounds like a regular gut-buster of comedic hilarity: Koch Industries, the legitimate business side of Charles and David Koch’s rightwing empire, is looking to put together an improv troupe, which ought to be just about the funniest development in comedy since the invention of the diesel powered whoopee cushion. New York magazine has the skinny on an ad posted at a New York improv theater Thursday: Read more on Koch Brothers Seek Comic Geniuses For Rightwing Improv Troupe…
  come back betsy mccaughey all is forgiven

Crazy Homeless Lady Wanders Into Chris Hayes’s Studio, Claims To Be Koch Brothers Flunkie

Sweet eight-armed Ganesh, who is this horrible screeching banshee who looks as if she’s about to unhinge her jaw and swallow Chris Hayes whole like a python snacking on an Acehnese tribesman?* Glad you asked! That is one Jennifer Stefano of Americans for Prosperity, an apparently minor-league wingnut whose existence up to now we have been mercifully unaware of. See how great it is to write for Wonkette — you get to peer into the underbelly of an America that even Hunter S. Thompson couldn’t imagine in his worst ether-fueled nightmare. Kudos to Chris Hayes and his bookers for wandering into the King of Prussia mall and tracking the loudest voice there to the food court, where they found this toxic sack of wind that they then plied with Cinnabons and dragged off to a studio somewhere to scream incoherent lies about Obamacare and all its horrors for ten minutes. We tried to keep an accurate record of everything Stefano said so we could rebut at least some of it but gave up about the time the sound of this woman’s voice actually bored a hole into both our eardrums. We didn’t know sound could do that, and we listened to that Sarah Palin theme song yesterday through our headphones. So let’s just give you what we’re pretty sure is the official transcript of this interview. Read more on Crazy Homeless Lady Wanders Into Chris Hayes’s Studio, Claims To Be Koch Brothers Flunkie…
  She wants to not believe

Lady Who Will Die From Unaffordable Obamacare Actually Saving Money On Obamacare, Who Knew?

Obamacare, man. Isn’t it so the worst? Hardly a day goes by that Republicans, and their katrillionaire backers like the Koch brothers, aren’t telling us the American horror stories of people who had golden balls insurance until that sumbitch Obama did socialism to them with his government health care — just like Hitler! — and now they do not have insurance, and they cannot keep their doctors, and they do not have health care, and also sluts don’t have co-pays for birth control (which is basically like 9/11 and Pearl Harbor) and it’s all a distraction from Benghazi. IMPEACH! Funny thing, that. Seems like every time one of these victims comes forward with their tale of woe, some smartass journalist out there does some gay wizard math and proves that no, actually, said victim — or should we say “victim” — is actually benefitting from Obamacare. It’s socialist magic! Step right up, Ms. Julia Boonstra, and tell us your tale. A Dexter cancer patient featured in a conservative group’s TV ad campaign denouncing her new health care coverage as “unaffordable” will save more than $1,000 this year. Julie Boonstra, 49, starred last month in an emotional television ad sponsored by Americans for Prosperity that implied Democratic U.S. Rep. Gary Peters’ vote for the Affordable Care Act made her medication so “unaffordable” she could die. Gosh. That is terrible. Basically, she’s getting death paneled by Obama. Now we has a sad. Except that if we put her story through the reality-o-meter (caution: it has a liberal bias), we find a totally weird weirdness that is weird. Read more on Lady Who Will Die From Unaffordable Obamacare Actually Saving Money On Obamacare, Who Knew?…
  it gets better

Michele Bachmann Bravely Stands Up For Oppressed Straight People Everywhere

Michele Bachmann leads a rough life. Despite being a Congresswoman, former presidential front-runner, and a national spokesperson for Crazy Eye Syndrome, she has a problem. As a straight person, she is tired of being bullied by the gays all the time. Bachmann recently went on the Lars Larson show to discuss CPAC, and discussed being the victim of bullying, via Right Wing Watch: “And the thing that I think is getting a little tiresome is the gay community have so bullied the American people and they have so intimidated politicians that politicians fear them and they think they get to dictate the agenda everywhere. Well, not with the Constitution you don’t.” When will America come to terms with the decades of oppression faced by straight people at the manicured hands of the gays? And here’s the crazy(er) part: that’s not the craziest thing she said in the interview!  Read more on Michele Bachmann Bravely Stands Up For Oppressed Straight People Everywhere…
  all the swag that's fit to Bag

A Children’s Treasury Of Free Stuff For Douches At CPAC

CPAC offers conservative organizations a three-day window in which to reach the most receptive possible audience. How to make an impression when there are so many competing messages? Be armed with compelling information and persuasive arguments? Sure, that might work! Just to be safe, many also came with boxes full of premium conservative tchotchkes. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Free Stuff For Douches At CPAC…
  double downer

Obamacare Victim Standing By Her Astroturf Men In War Against Affordable Insurance, Facts

Remember that Michigan lady with leukemia, Julie Boonstra, who couldn’t afford her Obamacare insurance because it cost $500 less per month than her old plan that Obama personally death paneled? The one in the Americans for Plutocracy Prosperity ad? The one that Harry Reid spit on when she returned home from Vietnam? Well, you probably thought that after the Washington Post’s Glenn Kessler found her story to be somewhat reality-challenged, that she was licked. Well, she’s NOT licked, and she’s going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause, even if teh Internetz gets filled with lies like these here not-lies. Boonstra is continuing to dance on the Koch brothers’ strings stick it to The Man, with a NEW AFP video that Fights Back against the Chicago-style thug tactics of Rep. Gary Peters, who is running for Senate in Michigan in the little spare time he has left over from breaking the kneecaps of local TV station owners. This hard-hitting (Oscar bait?) film shows a lone, brave woman, attended only by an entourage of paid lobbyists with professional video equipment, marching right up to the door of Peters’ lair and leaving a letter shoved in the door handle. BOOM! Ya burnt, yo! Boonstra then vows not to be silenced, which we would be a little more worried about if “silenced” didn’t mean “discouraged from running provably false political ads on broadcast teevee.” Mainly, we had questions, like why didn’t she call ahead to see if Peters was home, or just e-mail him like a normal person? Or buy a stamp, for crissake; the Postal Service is BEGGING you. Read more on Obamacare Victim Standing By Her Astroturf Men In War Against Affordable Insurance, Facts…
  tax shelter skelter

What If The Koch Family Were (A Lot) More Like The Manson Family?

So I was reading things ‘n’ stuff on the internet (like I do) last week, and was greatly amused by the story of how a local Iowa politician — a conservative one! — lamented that being endorsed by the Koch brothers’ Americans for Prosperity “was kind of like being endorsed by Charles Manson.” My first reaction, of course, was sadness, a profound sorrow because I’ll never be able to “elevate the conversation” as eloquently as that, even at Yer Wonkette, forever America’s prudish convent of decorum. My second thought was, “What, did everyone run out of Hitler and Rosa Parks similes, so now we’re moving along to Charles Manson?” In which case, well, I approve. It would make internet vitriol a lot more hilarious if it were Manson this and Manson that, rather than Hitler Hitler Hitler. Better yet, wouldn’t it be fascinating if the Koch guys really were like Charles Manson? What adventures they’d have! Won’t you come and enjoy elevating the discussion with me? Read more on What If The Koch Family Were (A Lot) More Like The Manson Family?…
  say it ain't so

Wingnut Blog Shocked To Learn Corporations Give Money To Fascist Communist Muslim Socialists ‘Think Progress’

Hope you’re sitting down, kids: the pro-American, completely reason-based blog PowerLine made a shocking discovery last week: There are politically oriented organizations that it disagrees with, and there are actually businesses that make donations to those organizations! No really, this shocking true fact is true! The Center for American Progress is a left-wing organization that is closely associated with the Obama administration. Its principal product is a web site called Think Progress. Think Progress is part of the internet cesspool that modern liberalism has become. Written by hack left-wing bloggers, it is bitterly hostile to free enterprise. It is a low-rent site that traffics in the most absurd smears and conspiracy theories. This is all true — conspiracy theories like “global warming is real” and absolutely made-up anti-free-enterprise smears like “45 Fossil Fuel Disasters The Industry Doesn’t Want You To Know About,” which suggest that the petroleum industry is somehow not especially clean. Yr Wonket, by the way, does not traffic in smears and conspiracy theories. We prefer to think that we participate in the market of smear and conspiracy theory ideas. Read more on Wingnut Blog Shocked To Learn Corporations Give Money To Fascist Communist Muslim Socialists ‘Think Progress’…
  it's a continuing resolution charlie brown

Here Is How John Boehner Can Save Christmas

John Boehner is correct that this shutdown “isn’t some damn game.”  One difference is that it sucks, while games are fun. And it will suck again in mid-December, which is when Boehner wanted to not play this not a game again with another must-pass funding bill. Merry Christmas, jerks! Give us Obama’s right nut or Prancer’s burger meat. That’s not the reason for the season! But what if John Boehner’s heart grew a few sizes, not in a medically dangerous way, but whimsically, like in a children’s book by a patriotic socialist? Wouldn’t that be swell? Well, it could happen! Read more on Here Is How John Boehner Can Save Christmas…
  mo money mo problems

Here Is A Non-Comprehensive List Of The Rapacious Billionaires Who Are Ruining America

How inexorably, ascendantly awesome and correct are conservative and neo-libertarian ideas? Why, they’re so awesome and correct that it only cost several hundred million dollars to propel the candidates espousing them to mostly respectable losses in the last national election! Yes, it was fun to watch all the antisocial billionaires and their Tea Puppets get smacked around (with votes!) last November, but we haven’t forgotten for a second that the Kochs and their ilk remain hugely influential. So it was interesting to learn of the Koch-associated Freedom Partners, yet another conservative money hose that “raised and spent $250 million in 2012″ yet remained unknown to almost everyone until earlier this week, when Marc Short, the group’s president, revealed Freedom Partners’ IRS filing to the turd polishers at POLITICO: “There’s a mystery around us that makes an interesting story,” Short said in an interview in his conference room. “There’s also a vilification that happens that gets exaggerated when your opposition thinks you’re secretive. Our members are proud to be part of [the organization].” The full 38-page filing isn’t public, but it will soon be, and it won’t be a story because POLITICO already scooped it, see, old news, move along people, hey look over there Miley Cyrus is licking a hammer. Read more on Here Is A Non-Comprehensive List Of The Rapacious Billionaires Who Are Ruining America…
  what we need is some bullet control

NRA Fires Two Colorado State Senators For Doing Their Jobs And Voting On Stuff

Welcome to the USofNRA! And woe be unto you, any politician who dares to cross our not so new overlords in this quick-draw special interest group, by trying to maybe take high-capacity magazines from any maybe-crazy-maybe-not person who wants to get their warm, live fingers on a gun. Because in Colorado, where two rather awful mass-murdering shooting sprees were committed by some awfully deranged mass-murdering spree shooters in Columbine and Aurora, state Senator Angela Giron and Senate President John Morse were straight up recalled by 56% and 51% respectively of the maybe voter suppressed folks in their districts, because “Morse and Democrats passed laws that limit ammunition magazines to 15 rounds and require universal background checks on all gun sales and transfers.” FIFTEEN ROUNDS? What in the name of shooting stuff up real good are we supposed to do with just fifteen rounds? Come on, that’s like, only fifteen bullets before we have to reload! And we’ve only got two hands! And if there’s a gun in both of them, then thirty bullets is all we would have and that is certainly not enough to, um, shoot something more than 30 times? And how can anyone think that limiting bullets and having some sort of terrible “universal” background check on just who might be buying these sorts of things would maybe help keep the awfully deranged from getting to do sprees by shooting? Some people had to be fired over this. Bring on the NRA firing squad: Read more on NRA Fires Two Colorado State Senators For Doing Their Jobs And Voting On Stuff…
  brings new meaning to 'member stations'

David Koch Won’t Make Sweet Abusive Love To NYC Public Television Any More (Updated)

(See Update/Clarification at end) Gosh, we’re pretty sure no one saw this coming! As federal money has become a smaller portion of its overall funding, public broadcasting has become increasingly reliant on private donors. A lot of those donors are “viewers like you,” giving a few bucks to get a totebag and a sense of having done the right thing. (God knows we pledge so that if we get picked to play the Sunday Puzzle with Will Shortz, we can say we’re a member of Boise State Public Radio.) But another sizeable chunk of funding comes from people with very deep pockets, like, let’s say, David Koch, who has given about $23 million to public television over the years, and who also, from 2006 until last week, served on the board of New York’s PBS affiliate, WNET. Oh, but then back on November 12, 2012, WNET went and aired a PBS documentary by Alex Gibney called “Park Avenue: Money, Power and the American Dream,” [warning: autoplay video link] which looked at income inequality in U.S. Amercia by contrasting some of the richest people on that street, residents of a luxury apartment building at 740 Park Avenue, with the lives of some of the poorest people on Park Avenue, way out in the Bronx. Clever narrative device! Except for one teensy problem: One of the people living in 740 Park Avenue is David Koch, who refused to be interviewed for the film, and did not actually see it, but didn’t like what he heard about its depiction of him as both a heavy hitter in right wing politics and as a cheapskate who usually stiffed the doorman. Read more on David Koch Won’t Make Sweet Abusive Love To NYC Public Television Any More (Updated)…
  Today In Grand Futile Gestures

Poors Pooling Their Hobo Beans To Buy Chicago Tribune And Los Angeles Times, Good Luck Poors!

Are you looking for the latest can’t-miss investing opportunity? Well sir, you can forget your whale oil and your arsenic hats and your unicycles, because King Newspaper is the hottest ticket in town! Not convinced? Then tell us, why else would literally several people be trying to raise $660 million via a “crowd-funding” site to purchase Tribune Co., the company that owns the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Baltimore Sun, and other venerable news organs? Read more on Poors Pooling Their Hobo Beans To Buy Chicago Tribune And Los Angeles Times, Good Luck Poors!…
  kochsuckers in the news

Koch Brothers Buying the Liberal Media Now

Hey, who’s tired of reading actual “information” in the handful of remaining legitimate news outlets quietly dying out in America? Persecuted swamp monsters Charles and David Koch are growing tired of watching their feudalist political philosophies maligned in the media, so they have looked around and said to themselves, “oh shit, let’s just buy the media.” Koch Industries is in talks to buy the Tribune Company’s eight newspapers. We, for one, are excited to see Chuck Norris’s work in the opinion pages of the Los Angeles Times. For information, however, we are pretty much going to rely on official press releases,  Reddit crowdsourcing, and blogs from here on out. USA! USA! USA! Read more on Koch Brothers Buying the Liberal Media Now…
  face: punched

Never Forget! Union Thugs Push Down Koch Brothers Tent, Punch Steven Crowder In Face

Like the mighty towers of the World Trade Center, a tent belonging to the Michigan chapter of Americans for Prosperity fell in Lansing today because it was attacked by terrorists who hate our freedom…to not pay union dues but still receive the protection organized labor provides workers. Labor protesters, angry about Michigan’s passage of a Right to Work law, destroyed AFP’s tent thing today. Or maybe that’s what THEY want you to think! Maybe AFP wrecked their own tent to make labor protesters look bad on Drudge Report. Was 12/11 an inside job? Read more on Never Forget! Union Thugs Push Down Koch Brothers Tent, Punch Steven Crowder In Face…
  open the pod bay door hal

Looks Like Tagg Romney Has Already Leaked Next Week’s ‘Election’ ‘Results’

It is time, once again, to PANIC! As you can see above, Unskewed Polls has released a new chart that at first blush doesn’t seem to have any basis in reality. So why would they post such a hilarious result? Well, you have not been keeping up with Your Wonkette. Let’s rectify that now! It is so that when they steal the election, they can point to this “polling” and say the results were in line, duh. As Doktor Zoom explainered with an assist from Harper’s, the GOPpies are ready and able to steal every precinct that doesn’t count paper ballots by hand. As Your Editrix explained a week or whatever ago, one of only six voting machine vendors is owned by former Bain employees. (The others, per Dok’s Harper’s article, are pretty much all owned by the Koch Brothers and run by actual felons, except for the ones that are owned by Tagg Romney.) And as some former NSA analyst explained (but we didn’t post on it, because “depressed”), the way they steal your votes is by siphoning them from the largest precincts. Oh yes, and as The Grio explained this week also too, they are already disappearing early votes from the totals in heavily African-American and Democratic Broward County precincts. But that one, first described as a “computer glitch,” was totally just a woman who couldn’t do numbers good and stuff. Read more on Looks Like Tagg Romney Has Already Leaked Next Week’s ‘Election’ ‘Results’…
  but i kept my swingline stapler

Mitt Romney To Fellow Plutocrats: Tell Peasant Employees They Will Get Fired If They Vote For Obama

Recently, numerous big Republican employers who’ve done incredibly well over the past four years have started to threaten their employees with layoffs if Barack Obama is reelected, because they’d logically give up billions of dollars to spite a black dude. Whether with chain letters, “voter information packets,” or just straight-up office e-mail blasts, conservative employers are all of a sudden super freaked out about the dire consequences of not electing empty shell corporation Mitt Romney. Why, though? Well, maybe because of how, during a call with the National Federation of Independent Businesses (skip to 26:44), Mittens von Glovenstein asked them to! Read more on Mitt Romney To Fellow Plutocrats: Tell Peasant Employees They Will Get Fired If They Vote For Obama…
  own private idaho

Koch Brothers’ Brother Builds Old-Timey Western Town In Which To Properly Go Galt

Hiyo, David and Charles Koch! You guys are weird, but there is a method to your madness: you want to buy Wisconsin, and the presidency, and so you do. (Ol’ Romney’s a pretty good ROI, huh boys?) But what’s your brother Bill’s dealio? On what crazy-ass thing is he spending his billions today? There’s a new town in Colorado. It has about 50 buildings, including a saloon, a church, a jail, a firehouse, a livery and a train station. Soon, it will have a mansion on a hill so the town’s founder can look down on his creation. But don’t expect to move here — or even to visit. This town is billionaire Bill Koch’s fascination with the Old West rendered in bricks and mortar. It sits on a 420-acre meadow on his Bear Ranch below the Raggeds Wilderness Area in Gunnison County. It’s an unpopulated, faux Western town that might boggle the mind of anyone who ever had a playhouse. Its full-size buildings come with polished brass and carved-mahogany details and are fronted with board sidewalks and underpinned by a water-treatment system. A locked gate with guards screens who comes and goes. Read more on Koch Brothers’ Brother Builds Old-Timey Western Town In Which To Properly Go Galt…
  a purpose-driven life

Karl Rove’s Charity Has Very Charitable Purpose Of Buying Election For Mitt Romney

Hello, bleeding heart liberals, we know you are already very excited about hating SuperPACs but could you perhaps make room in your heart to hate some specific non-profits as well? Because — and we hate to be the ones to break it to you — non-profit organizations are just as capable of spending massive amounts of money on elections as are SuperPACs and Incorporated Americans, and they also can do it without disclosing donors, and without paying taxes. This, of course, begs several important questions! Such as: non-profits are tax exempt, so does this automatically mean they are the engines of economic growth and job creation, due to the fact that they pay no taxes? Also, given that these non-profits donate to (mostly conservative) political causes and (mostly Republican) candidates without reporting contributions, and are able to do so under the guise of engaging in “public welfare,” should we be concerned that Mitt Romney might accidentally become ensnared in a culture of dependency, which is what happens when you give people welfare? Read more on Karl Rove’s Charity Has Very Charitable Purpose Of Buying Election For Mitt Romney…