Wonkette

Dear President Bush:

Thank you for your letter of December 3. The Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea and best natural golfer in the world asked me to write to inform you that he feels he has done a more than adequate job of revealing our nuclear resources. We will not be responding to further requests for clarification. Please remit further fuel, oil and steel payments to this address per our agreement, as we plan to continue to bolster our war-deterrent capabilities and don’t wish to have to buy those things ourselves while we’re spending our limited resources on our nuclear weapons program. Again, thank you for your concerns, but they are completely unfounded.

Sincerely,
Random Lackey.

North Korea Says It Has Said Enough [NYT]

I know I ain’t really wrote nuthin’ befer, but you gotsta know I was feelin all aukwerd like after that whole Axes of Evel thing I sed and I hope you knows I just sed that stuff because it was on the teleprompter thingie and didn’t reely mean it, ok? So, yeah, like, my girl Condee sed that I shuld rite you and ask all nice that you play fare and do what you told China you were gonna do about tellin all of us about yer nuculer weapons and stuff, ok? Cuz like I know you sed that you wood tell us yer secret stuff by the end of the yeer, but Condee sed that mabee you meant like yer yeer and not our yeer and I got confuzed but can you plees do it soon because I don’t reely like riting letters. Yers, George. [LA Times]

North and South Korea are close to finally ending their 57-year-old war. Of course the US will refuse to sign the peace treaty until Kim Jong Il officially gives up all of his nuclear ambitions, a goal we’ve assigned China to take care of. Also, if possible, can a “winner” be declared? It’s kinda depressing when wars end in 50-year stalemates! [WP]

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today’s Cartoons.

Other than deep discounts on ink, is there anything political cartoonists as a class like better than a good metaphor? No. But just as sometimes you run out of ink and all the office supply stores are closed and you have to go to the bodega on the corner and you end up paying OUTRAGEOUS markup on little bottles of ink, and to add insult to injury you have to pay through a little door in a huge bullet-proof window and they write your $20 with a special marker to see if it’s counterfit … um, where was this going? Oh yeah, sometimes you go to press with the metaphor you have, not the metaphor you might want. Here are some of the attempts to draw parallels that maybe weren’t perfect, but, hey, deadline’s comin’.

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• The exact instant that all the crooked congressmen you love to hate “jumped the shark.” [The Left Coaster]

• Another “top 10″ list, as long-irrelevant music magazine does cover story on soon to be irrelevant congressmen. [Think Progress]
• Larry Craig’s voting record reveals the old “it’s not gay if your balls don’t touch” urban legend is alive and well. [Pandagon]
• McCain on a Democratic Senate majority: “I think I’d just commit suicide.” [Political Wire]
• Americans fire more bullets in Iraq everyday than there are people in St. Paul, MN. [Hit & Run]
• Israel decides bullets are for suckers, is now murdering Palestinians with Klingon disruptors. [Cryptogon]
• Kim Jong-Il has the power of the atom in his hand and the work of the Member’s Only designers on his back. [The Cool Honey]
• Here is why John McCain won’t have to kill himself: the opposition party is the Democrats. [NYO]

• UN, like Goldilocks, needs to find sanctions for North Korea that are not too harsh, not too weak. [WP, NYT, WSJ]

• White House believes nuclear test was a “big deal” even if the bomb was made out of chewing gum, popsicle sticks. [NYT, USAT]
• Kim Jong-Il isn’t crazy, just crazy in love with Bree Van De Kamp. [LAT]
• Hastert holds press conference to remind congressional staffers that shit still flows downhill. [WP, NYT]
• McCain unsure if it’s 2008 or 1998, blasts both Clintons to hedge his bets. [WP]
• More than twice as many Iraqis have died violently since 2003, than in the previous 20 years under the Hussein regime. [WSJ]
• The case of a recently killed Russian journalist and the long dead Russian independent media. [WP, NYT]

Was it just a week ago that Kim Jong Il dispatched a bunch of rockets into the Sea of Japan? What exactly does the Curly Howard of the Axis of Evil have to do to keep our goddamn attention? MORE »