Tag Archives: kids

  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Elizabeth Warren, Dumb Duggars And A Bunch Of Republican Jerkoffs. Your Weekly Top Ten.

The boss of you. Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and we hope this post finds you fat and brunched up! We had quite a week, what with the first official debates of Fuckshow 2016. SPOILER ALERT: This campaign is going to be a real fuckshow. Read more on Elizabeth Warren, Dumb Duggars And A Bunch Of Republican Jerkoffs. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Find a new job asshole

Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven

He's weeping, and also telling the NRA to go fuck itself with a rusty dildo.
Get out your Teacher Of The Year ballots, we have a nominee to present! Meet Michelle Meyer, who teaches at a public school, Forest Park Elementary in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Her ass is getting sued by the ACLU, and here is why. One day, during recess, a 7-year-old boy named “A.B.” (his name is withheld in the lawsuit) was talking to a classmate, and according to the suit, she asked A.B. if he went to church. He said no, and also he doesn’t believe in God, and this made her cry, probably because, WE ARE GUESSING, her parents are fundamentalist Christian fucks, and she’s a young girl who hasn’t seen enough of the world to know that her parents are raising her to be a holier-than-thou dick. Not her fault. Read more on Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven…
  Death By Misadventure

Ted Nugent: Guns Don’t Kill THAT Many Kids, But What About Swimming Pools, Huh?

Still neither jailed nor dead
Ted Nugent has hit on a strategy that’s sure to end all calls for improving gun safety forever: Just say that the number of kids killed in accidental/irresponsible shootings is negligible, then point to something else that kills more people, and then, VOILA! No more liberals bitching about his precious guns! Read more on Ted Nugent: Guns Don’t Kill THAT Many Kids, But What About Swimming Pools, Huh?…
  Participatory Democracy Is For The Birds

New Hampshire Lege Tells Kids To Shove Their ‘State Raptor’ Bill Right Up Their Butts

What's a raptor gotta do to get a little respect around here?
In yet another instance of state lawmakers taking a perfectly nice idea proposed by some civic-minded kids and teaching them a wholly dispiriting lesson about how government really works, several members of the New Hampshire House went out of their way last Thursday to be personally dickish to a group of fourth graders who had written to their state representative to propose a bill. The kids had proposed that the red-tailed hawk be named the official State Raptor, and the bill initially made it through the Environment and Agriculture committee. But when the kids and their teacher, James Cutting, took a field trip Lincoln Akerman School in Hampton Falls to see their bill pass in the full House, they got a civics lesson they hadn’t expected. Read more on New Hampshire Lege Tells Kids To Shove Their ‘State Raptor’ Bill Right Up Their Butts…
 

Wingnut Kevin Swanson Warns About Girl Scout Lesbians, Because He Is A Weirdo

So arrogant!
If you read Wonk on the regular, you will recognize Kevin Swanson as the wingnut homeschool advocate Dok did a nice series of book reports on in his always lovely feature Sundays With The Christianists. Swanson is also pretty sure that the Disney feature film “Frozen” will turn your child into a gay witch. Know what else will turn your daughter into a gay witch, or at least a lesbian something or other? Thin mints and samoas, and all the other various Girl Scout cookies, your precious is going to be on an express train to Muff Town if you let her be a Girl Scout. Yes, this long, stupid segment, which echoes many of Kevin’s earlier segments, is predicated on “the Girl Scout issue”: Read more on Wingnut Kevin Swanson Warns About Girl Scout Lesbians, Because He Is A Weirdo…
  you can haz cheeseburger

GOP Opens New Front In War On Fruits & Vegetables

The kids are our future, so we should treasure them and take care of each individual precious snowflake child, each of whom is a gift from God or Allah or Spirit Pasta or whatever. But you know what? Skinny snowflakes suck. Don’t you like fat, enormous snowflakes? So do Republicans, which is why they continue to fight tooth and nail against any initiative to make our kids more healthy: A [House of Representatives] Appropriations subpanel approved language that would require the Agriculture Department to waive requirements to serve fruits, vegetables and low-sodium and low-fat foods for schools that can show their lunch programs are losing money. Read more on GOP Opens New Front In War On Fruits & Vegetables…
  what's next? no land mines at burger king?

Jack In the Box Kowtows To Common Sense, Moms, And Wimps And Won’t Allow Guns In Store

Let’s set the stage. You are drunk and/or high, and need a burger. You go to your local Jack in the Box. Just as you are ordering, the French fries start attacking you. Luckily, you are strapped, so you are able to defend your freedom or stand your ground and Second Amendment those fries to hell. Phew, good thing you had that gun, because fast food joints can be scary places. What’s that? Gun-grabbing ninnies are about to side with the terrorist anti-freedom fries? Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America is thanking Jack in the Box for its statement out today that it will begin enforcing the company’s no-firearms-in-stores policy. Fuck us, man. This is scary. Will someone please tell us how scary? Perhaps Daily Caller can bring this into perspective? Why do these moms demand mass shootings? This is just the type of level-headed, even-handed journalism we need to protect ourselves from these moms that clearly want to turn every Jack in the Box into Newton times Columbine plus Navy Yard! Stupid moms — why do they love mass shootings so much?  Read more on Jack In the Box Kowtows To Common Sense, Moms, And Wimps And Won’t Allow Guns In Store…
  reverse cowgirl for jesus

Pastor Challenging Lindsey Graham Is A Dumb Piece Of Crap And Here’s Why

Ladies, it’s all your fault. Hopefully you realize this by now, because all the evidence is clear, and there is literally nothing that cannot be blamed on you. Like how you will divorce your husband just because he is having penile-vaginal relations with another woman, when it’s obviously your fault he was cheating in the first place! Det Bowers, a pastor challenging Lindsey Graham in the South Carolina GOP Senate primary, once blamed women for causing most divorces — even when husbands are unfaithful to their wives. You’ll never guess the reason. (Hint: It is blatant woman-hating sexism shrouded in a thin veneer of self-righteous religious bullshit.) Read more on Pastor Challenging Lindsey Graham Is A Dumb Piece Of Crap And Here’s Why…
  wanna be abortin' somethin'

Ghost Michael Jackson’s Abortion Jamz

MJ fans! Rejoice! The 25th Anniversary remaster of Bad came out on Tuesday, and it is AWESOME. Remastered, digitally perfect versions of songs like Bad, The Way You Make Me Feel, Smooth Criminal…and eight previously unreleased tracks including Song Groove! Oh, excuse me, I should probably refer to that track by its real name: Abortion Papers. Yes, ladies and gents (mainly ladies), Michael Jackson made a song about a young lady having an abortion. Was he for or against it, you ask? Well, he made a song about being a badass street fighter; The Way You Make Me Feel, judging by its video, was about stalking a woman through a filthy alley (but don’t worry, Take Back the Nighters, she liked it?); and Smooth Criminal evinced an obsessive concern about a girl named Annie. Dirty Diana was all about judging a lady for being a whore. So, yeah, this is pretty much a Planned Parenthood theme song. Read more on Ghost Michael Jackson’s Abortion Jamz…
  mama said choke you out

Fat Chicago Cop Chokes Kid Out to Rousing Applause of ‘Fox Nation’

Here is a kid probably being an asshole. He is all aggro and in this fat cop’s face even while some pretty girl with long luscious hair tries to stop him by distracting him with her young nubile body. Yup, total jerkwad move, kid. We get it, you have testosterone now. Maybe go smoke a joint or something, jeez. And here is the cop, weighing in at two or three bills (?) and pushing the girl off the young man so he can choke him out with his big fat cop hands until he is prone on the ground with 2 or 300 (?) pounds of fat cop on him. This is what we in the legal community (we are not a part of the legal community) call “excessive use of force” sometimes, at least if the person is white. But what do the legal scholars of Fox Nation think of this video? “Cool!” video after the jump! Read more on Fat Chicago Cop Chokes Kid Out to Rousing Applause of ‘Fox Nation’…
  yes that's american they're speaking

Huckabee Makes Cartoons To Teach Kids Reagan Destroyed Disco Blacks

Hey, kids! Do you like learning history but hate it that your teacher never tells you the story of the time Ronald Reagan and Jesus Christ teamed up to defeat the Nazis? Of course you do. America’s Original Fat Governor Mike Huckabee is here with a series of horribly animated cartoons featuring his team of time-traveling kids learning the facts of history the “blame America first” crowd doesn’t want you to know (America should not be blamed for slavery?). Look at that scary black man in the “DISCO” tank top with the knife in the clip below, for example! Ronald Reagan bombed him and made sure disco dancing and black people wouldn’t bother the government ever again. Because our government is for real Americans like you, kids! Read more on Huckabee Makes Cartoons To Teach Kids Reagan Destroyed Disco Blacks…
  do not vote for a man who is barren

Dan Quayle’s Son Pretends To Be ‘Family Friendly’ By Kidnapping Children

Did you know that I Love The Late ’80s And Early ’90s star Dan Quayle has at least one son, Ben? He does! Did you know that Ben himself is the father to two adorable daughters? Well, he isn’t, but if you lived in Arizona’s third congressional district, where he’s running for the Republican nomination for Congress, you might think so, because you would have received this ad in the mail, showing him partying down with two little girls. And yet he and his wife did not create these children with their naughty bits. Is this the worst political scandal in U.S. history? All signs point to yes. Read more on Dan Quayle’s Son Pretends To Be ‘Family Friendly’ By Kidnapping Children…
  the trix rabbit

Robert Gates Hates All Children Who Aren’t Boy Scouts

Defense Secretary Robert Gates addressed this week’s Boy Scout Jamboree, the most important event in our nation’s history, because SOMEBODY couldn’t bother to come. The Wall Street Journal described Gate’s speech as “cranky” — just because he attacked the character of innocent young (non Boy Scout) Americans, who are “increasingly physically unfit.” Read more on Robert Gates Hates All Children Who Aren’t Boy Scouts…
  matt latimer looked back from a telescope on mars

A Veritable Masterpiece Of Savvy Politicking, This Obama Star-Gazing Fete

Barack Obama had a cosmology-themed children’s gala on his lawn last night, wherein he invited 150 local middle schoolers to come over and check out his bitchin telescopes, but not in a braggy way. Buzz Aldrin and Sally Ride were there too! Obama said some Obama-y things about how kids can become scientists; NASA was tangentially involved and somehow neither devolved into histrionics nor launched a missile at Earth’s moon, the Moon. It was, unarguably, the single most successful event to take place at the White House during our time or any other. [The Swamp] Read more on A Veritable Masterpiece Of Savvy Politicking, This Obama Star-Gazing Fete…
  food/booze news!

Kids Don’t Eat Free In the District, Even If It Saves Lives

Thursday, June 11: DC has a few issues — high dropout and teen pregnancy rates, an AIDS epidemic, never-ending nonsensical violent crime — but there’s nothing that a cooking competition can’t fix! Get some kids in a room, have them cook a meal made of “surprise’ ingredients,” make some top DC chefs judge the thing, and next thing we know Adams Morgan will be as safe and shiny as Manhattan! Read more on Kids Don’t Eat Free In the District, Even If It Saves Lives… Read more on Kids Don’t Eat Free In the District, Even If It Saves Lives…
  television is not your friend

Falling TVs Are This Week’s Swine Flu

OK so President Obama may have weathered his first hundred days, a pirate attack, the pig AIDS, and the collapse of our financial and automotive sectors, but can he stand up to the nation’s latest Great Menace? We refer, of course, to an epidemic of falling televisions. Read more on Falling TVs Are This Week’s Swine Flu…