As the authorities trace his phone calls so as to locate him and his wife “Jenny” drinks bottle after bottle of zinfandel and morphine in sweatpants while watching her programs, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, a “2012 presidential hopeful,” is currently getting cover from his staff for his insane disappearance. They’ve been claiming all day that he is fine, but they probably have no fucking clue either. What’s the latest make-believe excuse? MORE »

South Carolina welfare queen Governor Mark Sanford is nowhere to be found, in South Carolina! His “whereabouts” have been “unknown to state officials since Thursday,” the news outlets report. This country should consider itself lucky to have survived the weekend! So did he get kidnapped in Mexico or something? Hopefully, but those close to him — and no, that does not include his family — claim he is just crying in private for a few days after losing a political battle. MORE »

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