If you’re not genius enough to figure out the rules of kickball, then you might want to try dodgeball, which is so simple that common children play it every day, in America. The 4th Annual Dodging Diabetes Charity Dodgeball Tournament — that’s right, pretend the ball is a jelly doughnut and STAY AWAY — is taking place this Saturday in Rockville. MORE »

“Last night, October 5th, after what was thought to be a secret meeting for new members of the front at Chief Ike’s, Inquisitor K (forgot to ask if I can just put his real name now) was arrested by US Marshalls. He says they were watching the meeting the entire time and when leaving they rushed him but he got away and was chased into Rock Creek where he was tackled, cuffed and nearly drowned. We went down to court this morning where he was arraigned on many charges including advocating terrorism (or something like that), providing material support to a terrorist organization, aggravated assault (for a botched ball-napping in July where a kickball player who gave chase was supposedly knocked out with brass knuckles), resisting arrest, 3 counts of theft, another assault charge, and he apparently faces extradition to Maryland and New Jersey for warrants related to narcotics trafficking.” [DieYuppieKickball.com]

Ok it’s totally old at this point but we totally 100% support the mission of DIEYUPPIEKICKBALL.com. [DIEYUPPIEKICKBALL.com]

* “Thank you, thank you, thank you so much to my lovely neighbors. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated the full-blast top 40 radio playing all night long. Yes, the banging on the wall was my little way of telling you to ‘crank that shit up’. No one sings a lullaby quite like Sean Paul. You know what else I love about you? Your screaming children. Temper tantrums and incessant running around are other sounds I love to attempt sleep to. They are special, those kids. Why, just the other day they told me they would call the police on me for smoking cigarettes. Aw. So precious.” [Journey to Self-Improvement]
* “The DC Firefighters Association decided to fuck WASA’s noise by checking the hydrants themselves. The results are hilarious. And by ‘hilarious’ I mean ‘life threatening.’” [why.i.hate.dc]
* “Sometimes Exxon’s gas stations are the most convenient, but we all need to remember that if we buy Exxon, we are buying into lies when we could buy from other companies that are working hard to provide us with eco-friendly alternatives and bring an end to global warming.” [Converstaions With Mud]
* Four founders of the World Adult Kickball Association are suing the local kickball head honcho because they play games for money. “The complaint alleges that Rabasa’s league, DCKickball, violated copyright law by using the same kickball rules that WAKA and every third grader since caveman times uses.” [City Desk]
* “The thing about buying wine is that you’re not drunk yet when you’re doing it. This makes it rather difficult to grab whatever rot gut is cheapest and go on your merry way because your unaddled brain allows reason to cloud your judgment: ‘If this bottle is only $2.95,’ you say to yourself, ‘there’s a good likelihood it contains something I would rather not drink, like antifreeze. Or goat urine.’” [A Portable Snack]