Wonkette

Good sweet Jesus God: “Al Franken draws a perfect map of the United States from memory while taking questions at a fundraiser.” Kos is more right than he thinks when he calls it “perfect,” in fact. Kentucky looks like a turd and liberal New England looks like it’s trying to escape from the rest of the country and sail back to Europe. [Daily Kos]

Back in 1987, nobody could have guessed that a bunch of meatheads in a movie about an invisible alien with laser-beam eyes would someday be great American leaders. But then the wonderful state of Minnesota elected Jesse Ventura its governor, and California followed suit with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now, if Kentuckians play their cards right, they will replace their womanly senator Mitch McConnell with Sonny Landham, who played some dude called “Billy” in Predator. This Landham guy is a real trip! Come along with us on Sonny’s magical journey from porn stardom to the Libertarian party via five wives and a stretch in federal prison. MORE »

Well, your pretend boyfriend Barack Obama made it all the way to Oregon via, uh, Iowa. Des Moines, in fact. That’s where he gave a Big Speech an hour or so back, and you can read the liveblog here. The important question is how terribly will Obama beat Hillary in Oregon? And how will it break down between the bitter rural desert of Eastern Oregon and the elite urban-gay computer/microbrew PDX “gloom belt” and the poor redneck lumber towns? Let’s all drink elaborately named pints of beer in a mildewed strip bar, after the jump.

(Want to relive tonight’s madness? Here is our Liveblogging Part One, and Part Two, and Part Three, and Part Four!)

10:39 PM — Barack collected $32 million in April alone. Hillary managed $22 million — that’s $54 million for the Democrats. John McCain had his best fundraising month ever: $18 million.
10:40 PM — Even though it’s only 7:40 p.m. out here on the Pacific Coast, we’ll stick to our elite D.C. time zone.
10:42 PM — The polls are closed! Barack has already given his “Iowa I Win” speech! Let’s see if the teevee people can keep us excited.
10:43 PM — That “change is coming” riff in the Obama speech sounded right out of that Sam Cooke song, “Change Is Gonna Come,” which was actually Cooke’s response to hearing Bob Dylan’s “Blowin’ In The Wind” and being stunned that some little white kid wrote that. So Cooke wrote and recorded this song, and was immediately shot dead in Los Angeles:

10:44 PM — Just sixteen exciting minutes until the polls close in Oregon!
10:48 PM — The Oregonian endorsed Barack Obama … and John McCain.
10:49 PM — So Barack got 70% of the Oregon “young voters,” while Hillary got 54% of the “young voters” (under 30) in Kentucky. CNN poll troll Bill Schneider acts surprised. Has he ever seen a 30-year-old in Kentucky? That’s like 75 years old in the rest of the country.
11:00 PM — Everybody already calls it for Oregon! It’s Barack Obama!
11:01 PM — Olbermann: “All right, that’s … over. She wins Kentucky, he wins Oregon.” WAY TO BUZZ KILL, KEEF!
11:04 PM — What you got, Norah? Oh, Barack did fine with the old white ladies and the working class bitters in Oregon!
11:05 PM — How ’bout you, Big Tim Russert? The Oregon folks don’t buy the gas-tax bullshit, while Hillary’s simpleton supporters in Kentucky think it’s great.
11:06 PM — By the end of tonight, according to Russert, Obama’s within less than seventy delegates — elected, super, whatever — to own the nomination, period, the end.
11:10 PM — A bizarre burst of laughter from … somewhere on the MSNBC set. Almost like a laugh track. WTF, MSNBC, WTF?
11:10 PM — Russert wants Barack to “love the silent goodness” of America. Nixon used to call these working-class racists “the silent majority.” Good name change, Tim!
11:12 PM — New numbers from OR: And that’s a sexy little bridesmaid dress on Norah tonight, even if the shoulders are kind of ’80s.
11:14 PM — The liberal elites went 59% for Obama. But he got 47% of the no-college working class whites, and 49% of the white women vote.
11:15 PM — 83% of white voters went for Barack Obama.
11:16 PM — So the new metric, tonight, is that the bitters are moving over to Barack now that they know the game is up. We leave Kentucky out of this, as news is slow to arrive out there.
11:17 PM — Based on 1946 and 1968 votes, Pat Buchanan is very angry about Barack winning. He just called Oregon “spotted owl country,” apparently unaware that the controversy regarding the spotted owl destroyed much of Oregon’s lumber industry — yeah there were other factors but the owl takes a lot of the lumber worker blame — and the spotted owl environmental support came from Washington conservation/wildlife groups. It was close to Civil War in Oregon. Buchanan has never ever been outside of D.C. or Maryland, has he? He also doesn’t know how to say “Oregon.”
11:19 PM — Unless he’s actually talking about weirdo Wilhelm Reich’s “Orgone boxes,” which was a hippie fad in the 1920s, when Pat was growing up.
11:21 PM — There is a smokin’ hot brunette in a maroon blouse and gray blazer just behind David Gergen. Who is she?
11:22 PM — David Gergen also has a funny (not really) website that has some goofy pictures, such as this one.
11:26 PM — With 35% counted, Oregon goes 60-40 for Obama.
11:27 PM — In the PDX population centers along the north half of the I-5, it’s 64% for Barry and … 33% for Hills? Slow down, CNN Number King John “Numbers” King!
11:30 PM — David Gergen is getting all serious and bummed out, talking about the racism, and implicitly saying that Hillary Clinton is to blame for exploiting racism in poor white parts of the country.
11:35 PM — Carl Bernstein: “She now has a movement. Now that she has this movement behind her — women, working class whites — she and her vociferous acolytes are saying ‘Change the rules so we can win at the last minute.’”
11:37 PM — The movement consists of racist people, says Carl.
11:37 PM — Paul Begala continues with the charade that Hillary isn’t raising a George Wallace-style beast in this rotten country.
11:37 PM — 58%-42% in Oregon.
11:40 PM — Here’s Bill Schneider on the KY/OR whites:

11:42 PM — McCain’s campaign sends an email ot Candy Crowley. It quotes Hillary Clinton campaign slogans but acknowledges that Barack does speak fancy for a young colored.
11:43 PM — Anderson Cooper is disturbed because bitter workers are literally tearing apart the building where Candy is standing.
11:45 PM — Hillary’s going to Florida tomorrow. Jesus Christ, she’s exactly Glenn Close jumping out of the bathtub.
11:46 PM — Back to Norah and her legs, on MSNBC. Anyway, she says the dumb racist Kentucky folk always “cross party lines” by 30%-37% to vote for the Republican, whether the Dem is black or John Kerry or Al Gore.
11:53 PM — Hey Keith and Chris are talking smack OFF THE AIR and we don’t get to hear it. Hooray.
11:54 PM — Okay Big Russert, what is the Hillary Tactic Now? “Keep shrinking the delegate count, advancing the popular vote count.”
11:54 PM — And now she won’t give up efore Puerto Rico, says Andrea Mitchell. Ugh. She won’t quit before the primary on Mars.
11:55 PM — Russert claims that THIS TIME, unlike all other times, the party will stop tolerating Hillary demanding the nomination even though she lost.
11:57 PM — It is the night of Democratic Cancer. Tim says a said thing about Hamilton Jordan, and Ted Kennedy. We are all sad, because of the Curse of Cancer. But Hamilton defeated Kennedy at the 1980 Dem convention … and then Reagan became President of Forever.
11:58 PM — Uh, what was that, on CNN? Chuck Hagel turned down McCain, as far as the veep slot?
12:00 AM — And now Larry King is on CNN, and he is confused about what’s going on, so let’s go to that douche Dan Abrams on the MSNBC. Ugh. With his “live jass band.”
12:03 AM — “I’m doing the casual thing, I’ve got the no tie, Ron Reagan has the mock turtleneck.” KILL THEM ALL.
12:04 AM — Oh and hey, it their collective birthday, Dan and Ron. But Rachel and Norah are forced to stay around. And a blonde girl has a fake martini. Ugh.
12:05 AM — Dan Abrams is a giant cunt. He’s now attacking Chuck Todd for mentioning that the contest in question is happening in Oregon, where it is 9 o’clock at night, not “After Hours.”
12:08 AM — 21% of Kentucky Democrats said “race played a role” in their vote today. Those are the people who admitted this to a stranger taking notes on a clipboard outside the polling palce.
12:13 AM — Back to the Double Kings, John & Larry, on CNN. “What does Ted Kennedy mean?”
12:14 AM — As a baby, John King learned about Mommy, Daddy, milk, the Kennedys, and whisky.
12:15 AM — Still 58%-42% in Oregon, with 52% reporting.
12:18 AM — Hi to the BBC’s chief in Washington, Justin Webb.
12:19 AM — Ugh, that clip … “Until we have a nominee, whoever SHE may be.” (Wild applause.)
12:19 AM — Oh Jesus, now Larry King is wondering what happens if Ted Kennedy dies … who becomes that superdelegate. Oh jesus ….
12:21 AM — So MSNBC can afford an upright bass, but not a real piano?
12:22 AM — Still 58-42 in Oregon, still the same percentage of the vote counted.
12:24 AM — Here is a good cartoon about the game Oregon Trail. Here is the next part, and the next part, and the next part.
12:26 AM — Norah, you have twins in your belly. Don’t you need to sleep?
12:33 AM — CHUCK TODD, BITCHES, HE HAS THE COLD MATH: HE IS DRAWIN ON THE CRAZY MAP.
12:35 AM — Obama has all kinds of superdelegates in states he won big. Also, 23 in California. Nancy Pelosi is 22 of them.
12:58 AM — Sorry, had to do some accounting. Has anyone received their Economic Stimulus Check?
12:59 AM — Still 58-42 in Oregon. This is with 62% reporting. Good Night Forever, My Friends! Thanks for joining us for another exciting primary. NEVER FORGET.

Barack Obama has gotten his tushy thoroughly handed to him in Kentucky, and there are no results from Oregon yet, so there’s only one thing he can do: declare overall victory in Iowa! He has won a majority of pledged delegates, you see, although Hillary has declared a lead in the popular vote — which she determined by not counting caucus votes and counting Florida and Michigan instead. But whatever! Men suck! Barry can’t *really* declare total victory, because that would be Sexist! What kind of vague victory will he declare? Let’s find out! MORE »

Hello peoples are you ready for an address from Barack Obama, the man who lost Kentucky by a million percent tonight? Are you ready to watch him declare victorious victory in Oregon safe from his mountain perch in Iowa? Well, you have to wait another 90 minutes because God is Cruel. Stay with us and comment your crazy faces off while we look at the dumb television and feel despair in our hearts.

9:05 PM — Russert, Olbermann… oh hey who won American Idol? Wait whoops that is a TWO NIGHT season finale, nevermind. Let’s see, what else is on. Horrible crap. Fine, back to MSNBC.
9:10 PM –Claire McCaskill. She has an Elizabeth Edwardsian look to her. You know what is hard? Typing while an Airedale tries to lick your left hand.
9:15 PM — Over to CNN and John King’s magical maps. He is touching the magical map and drawing lines on it and flipping states from red to blue, a la Hillary Clinton. Now for Obama: he’ll get VA, GA, CO, NM, IA… basically any way you slice it the Democrat wins. OMG BREAKING NEWS: Obama wins 2 more delegates in Kentucky, so now he has the majority of pledged delegates, he is the President of Pledged Delegates.
9:24 PM — Hello Chris Dodd and your fabulous mane of hair! What do you think of your Northeastern pal, the guy who also has hair? You know, Ted Kennedy? “He’s a fighter,” Dodd says. WELL WE HAVE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH OF FIGHTERS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. “I’d be disturbed if I were that tumor. That tumor’s in deep trouble.” Gaah.
9:29 PM — Dodd: She has every right in the world to continue, and I firmly believe that at the end of her completely futile endeavor she will fall in line. Toobin: We’re always accusing the Clinton people of coming up with crazy categories, and now we are coming up with crazy categories too, like pledged delegates! Gergen: Are you, uh, on crack? It is no longer mathematically even POSSIBLE for her to pass him. “There are not many metrics left,” he says. Toobin: I have to go wash my hair.
9:35 PM — Ooh here is a delightful communication from a banned commenter: “Really? You disabled my comments? I guess I’ll never be a member of the Wonkette crew. Maybe I’m not a snarky enough hate-filled asshole: ‘Oh man, lemme tell you ‘PAULTARDS!’ Right!? Jesus, what a bunch of idiots, I can’t tell you how much I hate them, GOD! SO DUMB!’ Well, that’s not true, I am hate filled- but I only hate assholes. Like Wonkette, and your annoying mud-slinging ilk who are completely devoid of substance. Eat shit you guys, Fo’ realz.”
9:38 PM — You know what we would ban, if we were moderating the cable news shows? People saying “toe to toe.” We would also ban Paul Begala. He just came up with some dumb fake Texas mosquito colony comparison that everybody chuckled nervously at.
9:44 PM — Let us examine Obama’s Kentucky spanking a little closer. See that big pie, and how it is light blue? It means that Kentucky is not Sexist. Suzanne Malveaux, beaming in from Iowa: “Do you see how I am outside, in Iowa? Iowans only emerge from their snow-huts for a few precious weeks per year, and this is one of them. They heart Obama.” She looks like she’s lost weight. Hollow-cheeked. She is slowly turning into Nancy Reagan, with her red jacket. Weird constant drumming sounds, or is that the wind on her microphone? Horrible sounds, screaming, mayhem. Uh, hooray Obama?
9:52 PM — Andrea Mitchell has bad news. Hamilton Jordan, former White House Chief of Staff, has died. He had quite a few illnesses over the years, and fought valiantly. Man, Andrea looks truly sad. Ditto Matthews.
9:55 PM — But enough about all that! Let’s talk about the Constant Existential Death-Struggle within the Democratic party between the idealists and the douchebags. Ooh Obama sent out A EMAIL that has NUMBERS in it, and now we go to a commercial, again.
9:59 PM — Fine, CNN, we will look at you again. Donna Brazile is saying something about a president being younger than she is, so we can rest assured she isn’t talking about McCain. No mention of Hamilton Jordan among these ingrates/philistines. Anderson Cooper suggesting a “shellacking” in Kentucky.
10:05 PM — Leslie Sanchez: “build her case,” blah blah blah. Let’s ban “building the case” along with “toe to toe”. And you commenters, you are on watch for “totes.”
10:06 PM — Alex Castellanos looks like he is wearing a fake mustache on top of his fake face. Hillary Clinton can be “tough as trigonometry sometimes,” he says. Obama is tough as calculus, though, so Elitism wins again. OMG here comes Barack Obama!!! He will say Things! Read all about it in yet another liveblog, here.

This is Eight Belles, the lady horse that got second place in this year’s Kentucky Derby and then was fucking killed immediately on the track. As Geraldine Ferraro would say, that is racism. Or the other one. Yes, it was ageism that killed Eight Belles. But Hillary Clinton has fared better than her horse-surrogate and won in Kentucky. Geraldine Ferraro would approve. Let’s liveblog more (part 1) idle chatter, on the teevee! MORE »

With every passing Tuesday the Democratic party gets closer to cutting the Gordian knot that is its Presidential nominating contest. In other words, Hillary Clinton will win Kentucky, Barack Obama will win Oregon, and Pat Buchanan will lose his mind (again) on MSNBC tonight. Join us as we watch the early evening madness, with a glass of Kentucky bourbon in each fist! MORE »

This is a screen shot from a famous computer game called The Oregon Trail. This game is literally the only famous thing about Oregon, except for a few mediocre indie pop bands. Despite its overall irrelevancy, however, Oregon will host one of tonight’s two primaries. The other state is Kentucky, where horses come to die and leave corny extended metaphors in their wake. Your Wonkette will obviously be liveblogging the proceedings tonight, starting around 6:30 or 6:45 Eastern (polls close in Kentucky at 7:00 Eastern, shortly before the state’s “Chicken Supper Time.”) Loser Oregon does not close until 11:00 Eastern, but Obama is giving a speech around 8:30, so we will Never Rest.

Don’t you just love when people openly admit that they are voting for Hillary because it’ll get Bill back in the White House? Like this Kentucky man with his pin? It’s almost as amazing as how some people still like Bill Clinton. [Getty Photo]

Ooh, won’t tomorrow be fun! Obama, of course, is going to half-declare himself the winner, as his campaign predicts it will have the majority of pledged delegates following Kentucky and Oregon’s primaries. He’ll be spending the night in Iowa, where he started his Quest. (Circle of Life and all that). Obama is not very smart however, and he — like the DNC — considers the winning number of delegates to be 2,025; Hillary’s team has made up a new number, 2,209, that includes Michigan and Florida. And guess what she’s doing tomorrow? Declaring a popular vote lead. So tomorrow we will have two declared winners, and no souls, and an Iraq War. [AFP, NYT]