Creepy Italian sausage SILVIO “JUST CALL ME PAPI” BERLUSCONI cherishes his privacy. Sì, Berlusconi needs his special alone time, so he can mount meter maids and plow the dickens out of teenage models in peace. But why won’t the evil ITALIAN MEDIA respect Berlusconi’s privacy? Surely they will all be excommunicated after ruining his daughter’s birthday celebration, and also, Berlusconi’s chances of scoring with his daughter’s extremely young friends. Vaffunculo! Italy: spay this man before HANS BLIX is required to, under international law. Snipity snip snip! … MORE »

Boo hoo, Nobama’s so-called “empathy administration” sure doesn’t have much empathy for the nation’s Polar Bears. Mean old George W. Bush wouldn’t put the Snow Monsters on the Endangered Species list, and now Barack Obama’s Interior Department won’t do it, either. Why does this slick street hustler hate nature? MORE »

President Obama told the Interior Secretary, a comical desert elf in a bolo tie, to review the Bush administration’s removal of the gray wolf from the federal endangered species list for certain areas of the US. The Interior Secretary Salazar reviewed and decided to uphold the decision. So basically, the answer is that Barack Obama hates gray wolves because they do not stimulate the economy. [AP]

Excitable GOP troll Tom Tancredo says he won’t run for re-election because he’s too busy being angry about Mexicans, even though his presidential campaign continues to inspire nobody, not even the angry hordes of AM talk-radio listeners who should be supporting him. Tancredo, currently running near the bottom of the dozen or so Republican candidates (but probably over Ron Paul), made the announcement after some baseball game last night. MORE »

• Tape from Osama bin Laden surfaces, his first since December 2004: “[Al Qaeda] operations are under preparation and you will see them in your homes the minute they are ready.” [WP, NYT, USAT, WT]
• Independent counsel is unable “to say with certainty whether any criminal laws were broken” by Henry Cisneros, but there was “a coverup at high levels of our government.” [WP, USAT, WT]
• Justice Department analysis supports the legality of warrentless eavesdropping. [WP, NYT]
• Bush previews State of the Union message: “The best way to solve the deficit is to grow the economy, not run up your taxes.” [USAT, WT]
• Most Americans “could not care less” about the lobbying scandal; corruption is seen as bipartisan. [WP]
• Liberal group calls for Justice Department investigation of Rep. Jerry Lewis (R-Calif) regarding hedge fund donations. [USAT]
• Additional Democratic senators –including Leahy and Salazar– announce their intention to oppose Samuel Alito. [WP]
• Republican National Committee set to break with Bush over immigration. [LAT]

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