Tag Archives: kathryn-jean lopez

  the devil made her do it

Kathryn Jean Lopez Stole Peggy Noonan’s Laudanum, Is Seeing Demons Errrrrewhere

The tweet was promising. First, it was from K-Lo, Kathryn Jean Lopez — previously seen instructing us that we should give our kids boundaries like “no you may not shoot up a school” — and it read “When to Call an Exorcist?” OK, K-Lo, we will bite, you lovable pile of batshit. When, indeed, to call an exorcist? With K-Lo, endlessly regretting the vulgarities of Vatican II from her comfortingly cozy straitjacket at National Review Online, the answer is probably, “Touched your wanger? That’s an exorcisin’!” But even knowing and loving K-Lo as we do, we were completely unprepared for the horror show that awaited us at NRO. On Halloween, The Drudge Report highlighted a Washington Post interview with the author of The Exorcist. William Peter Blatty had used the word “demonic,” and now there atop Drudge was a photo of of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. GUUUURRRRRL YOU HIGH AS FUCK. Read more on Kathryn Jean Lopez Stole Peggy Noonan’s Laudanum, Is Seeing Demons Errrrrewhere…
  twas beauty killed the beast

But What Will K-Lo’s Reaction Be To This New Yorker Cover Of Anthony Weiner’s Danger Dong?

Some time back in the late Pleistocene era (last month? that is how time works, correct?) the United States Supreme Court was all like nah mang, teh ghey, they are people we guess, and the New Yorker responded with a charming cover showing Original Bachela’s Ernie and Bert in an affectionate cuddle. Some people simply did not care for this! (And not all of them were K-Lo, even!) When Ernie and Bert sat in the dark, watching the news like any old boring marrieds, K-Lo responded with two words: Innocence. Lost. What will she think of this giant penis disguised as the Empire State Building? Read more on But What Will K-Lo’s Reaction Be To This New Yorker Cover Of Anthony Weiner’s Danger Dong?…
  poor. baby.

NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Simply Does Not Care For The New Yorker’s Sodomite Muppets

You’re on the computer! Have you seen this wonderful New Yorker cover? We mean before right now? Well, National Review Online’s Kathryn Jean Lopez has, and she has summed it up with the two most trenchant, insightful words anyone could have in these Times of Despair. Her entire post is a picture of the cover (above!) and the headline Innocence. Lost. (Well, okay, and then the fragment “The new cover of The New Yorker:” — but still!) But what were some other two-word posts K-Lo could have wrote in its place? Let’s. Explore. Read more on NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Simply Does Not Care For The New Yorker’s Sodomite Muppets…
  me me me me me

K-Lo Ticked Boston Marathon Tragedy Didn’t Happen While She Was in Town

Gosh darnit, Kathryn-Jean Lopez left Boston just when “news” started happening. Don’t worry, K-Lo, you still win the reporting award as usual for communicating the least amount of information about any given topic while still managing to make it all about yourself. What are we even talking about? Oh, right. There is a horrible tragedy unfolding in Boston. Two explosions went off near the Boston Marathon finish line. Holy shit. Read more on K-Lo Ticked Boston Marathon Tragedy Didn’t Happen While She Was in Town…
  the rabbit died

Universe Implodes Under Combined Weight of Maggie Gallagher, Kathryn Jean Lopez’s Giant Brains

We had such high hopes for the greatest tete a tete of this or any era, When Maggie Met K-Lo. But it turns out, when you get two overly repressed spinsters together to kaffeeklatsch on Gays and Stuff, it is actually really fucking boring. Maggie and K-Lo are all like, boo Karl Rove, boo truces, yay culture war that is how Republicans will win yesterday, today, and tomorrow, boo Gerald Ford (!), and boo taking away the ‘civil rights’ that is allowing people to vote on other people’s civil rights. YAWN, LADIES. It doesn’t even have the piquancy of K-Lo’s twitstream, which at least is hilariously focused on how we are oppressing the bishops by not allowing them to Torquemada other people’s sex lives for them, and also how she tweets novenas like twice a day (and also retweets her own NRO posts like 9 times each, just ICYMI). And nowhere does it question Maggie about how getting ditched by a dude when she was a preggers co-ed leads to the math science of words (LOGIC!) that lesbies and gheyz can’t marry each other because that guy didn’t marry Maggie Gallagher SAD FACE EMOTICON. So let’s check in on just one question, one VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION, about why is the Supreme Court infringing on religious liberty by not making evangelical Christianisms the law of the land? Read more on Universe Implodes Under Combined Weight of Maggie Gallagher, Kathryn Jean Lopez’s Giant Brains…
  chains of fools

Romney Campaign Adds ‘Chains’ To List Of Words Joe Biden Is Not Allowed To Say

The Romney Campaign just cannot believe it this time, and you will not either. You will be so embarrassed at the shameful tactics of your side, and will agree completely with the campaign’s demand for an apology. You guys, Joe Biden said “chains.” Read more on Romney Campaign Adds ‘Chains’ To List Of Words Joe Biden Is Not Allowed To Say…
  paper or plastic?

‘Religious Freedom!’ Cries Crazy Texas Bigot What Don’t Want No ‘Negroidal Person’ Bagging His Vittles

Hey, crazy Texas bigots! Got any freedom of religion lawsuits you’d like to file today? Oh, it’s against your religion to have a black man bag your groceries? Sure, that will do! Little Green Footballs brings us the heartwarming News Journal tale of this Texas man a-whoopin’ and a-hollerin’ about how he don’t want no “negroidal person” touching his food, while bagging it at the grocery store. The store owner — who has just earned himself an Opposite Day Chick-fil-A love-in — told the crazy bigot he couldn’t shop at that grocer’s no more. And now the crazy bigot has filed suit, because they oppressed his religious freedom to not have black people bag his food. Read more on ‘Religious Freedom!’ Cries Crazy Texas Bigot What Don’t Want No ‘Negroidal Person’ Bagging His Vittles…
  the exorcist

NRO Editor Kathryn Jean Lopez: Was Aurora Shooter Possessed By Beelzebub?

Does Kathryn Jean Lopez believe the Aurora shooter, James Holmes, was possessed by demons? She does not say so. What she says is that a story by a Catholic priest who says possession is real and posits that James Holmes was in fact possessed by demons, is “interesting.” Are RTs endorsements? Of course not, DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! But when something is Catholic and ‘tarded, you can bet K-Lo is taking it for her gospel every time: Read more on NRO Editor Kathryn Jean Lopez: Was Aurora Shooter Possessed By Beelzebub?…
  sluts

NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Just Doesn’t See What All The Fuss Is About S-E-X

Kathryn Jean Lopez, better known by her gang moniker, K-Lo, is a pill. She is unpleasant and obsequiously pious and constantly telling all other American Catholics how they’re doing Catholicism wrong by actually following the edicts of Vatican II (which said Catholics should follow the dictates of their own consciences). She moans a lot about how unfair and unconstitutional it is to tell the Church they are not in fact in charge of their employees’ personal lives if the Church is not in fact paying the bill. She calls this an attack on religious liberty, and logically and persuasively and not at all histrionically explains that by classifying birth control as “preventative medicine,” the government has now “classified fertility as a disease.” In an earlier and much-missed American epoch, she would have been Goody Lopez, calling in the witch-burners on Goody Greensmith. But now? With her latest musings for NRO — of which she is the editor — we just feel sort of deflated and sad for her. Why are people so obsessed with sex? she asks her interviewee, over and over in slightly differing forms. What’s the big freaking deal? Oh, K-Lo. Read more on NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Just Doesn’t See What All The Fuss Is About S-E-X…
  taxi cabs

Kathryn Jean Lopez Gets Thrill Up Her Leg For Romney’s ‘Vision Thing’

Apparently, there has been a turning point in Mitt Romney’s campaign—a GOOD turning point of some kind. We know this because Kathryn Jean Lopez has taken to the National Review to inform us of such, even if she can’t quite identify exactly why this was a turning point, or what it means, or how it benefits Mitt Romney. But she does make sure to note that this turning point has something to do with his glorious speech to the NAACP (no, really) which she knows was glorious because her Nigerian taxi driver told her how much he loved it (again, no, really). Also, Mitt Romney doesn’t need a woman or a person of color as his VP because he doesn’t need anything so gimmicky as a non-white person for a VP given that he “has a record of being all about winning the future.” (Once again, no, really.) And he will be a GREAT president because he believes so strongly in Freedom and in personal choices, and the NAACP was a perfect showcase for all of that because he quoted from Dr Martin Luther King Jr and Frederick Douglass. Read more on Kathryn Jean Lopez Gets Thrill Up Her Leg For Romney’s ‘Vision Thing’…
  that's not racial transcendence

NRO Hires Racisty Racist It Can Dig Up, For Racism

It seems like just two months ago that the august and erudite National Review Online was having to face its terrible shame and can all its writers for being bald horrible racists. And yet their newest fellow likes to write things about how the Founding Fathers didn’t let black people vote for a reason. And also why we should declare all Muslims (ALL OF THEM) enemy combatants and get it over with. That second thing, the Muslimy one, that is just your typical Tuesday on the #WARBLOGS, so nobody will pay that one no nevermind. But that thing about black people, and why they (oh, and women, because someone has pecker issues) shouldn’t be allowed to vote? That does seem to be beyond the pale in the Civilized Right. (HAHA, yeah, no it isn’t, we totally lied.) Read more on NRO Hires Racisty Racist It Can Dig Up, For Racism…
  rock me sexy jesus

Kathryn Jean Lopez Would Like You To Know She Has An S&M Relationship With The Lord

Hey National Review person K-Lo, what’s up! Have you had some time yet to regret your even dopier than usual column? Would you like to? Great, let’s get started! “I Have A Dopey Question For Time Magazine,” K-Lo begins, and yes, stopped clock/blind pig, etc. See Time Magazine had its annual let’s-blow-everybody issue, and sexxxy Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards was in it, for sexiness, and she was written about by famous whore Sandra Fluke. So K-Lo wants to know, if people are getting the assignments for perceived affinities with their subjects, why she herself didn’t get the gig to write about Timothy Cardinal Dolan? Because why should Jon Meacham get to do it just because he has a Pulitzer and stuff? She supposes she should be grateful that a lamestream media publication would write about a Catholic at all, considering how we in the media have been WARRING them, but she must — MUST — take exception to one particularly nice thing Meacham wrote, because he forgot to put in all the sexy stuff from 9 1/2 Weeks: Read more on Kathryn Jean Lopez Would Like You To Know She Has An S&M Relationship With The Lord…
  same thing

Kathryn Jean Lopez Simply Does Not Care for Louis C.K., ‘Women’

There has been such a dearth of commentary — a gaping hole, really — from both left and right about the Health and Human Services’ birth control coverage mandate. National Review’s Kathryn Jean Lopez will now fill the hole! And she will fill it, hard, with the important parts in it that everyone has been neglecting in this story: Louis C.K., the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, Sarah Palin’s lady parts, the crucifixion and, sure, Hitler. Let us revel in her newest sortie, “Miserable ‘Women’.” (Scare-quotes in the original, because… miserable feminists are not women, or feminist non-women are miserable, or because there is no such thing? Is Kathryn Jean Lopez a woman? If you prick her, does she not bleed?) My, she sounds upset! Read more on Kathryn Jean Lopez Simply Does Not Care for Louis C.K., ‘Women’…
  sexy parties

Who Should Win These Terrible Conservative Dinner Awards?

CPAC is this week! Have you bleached your American flag yet? Your Wonkette has and is looking forward to attending the world’s greatest annual conservative conference later this week. But until then: The pre-parties: What are they? Let’s take a look at the invitation someone forwarded us to this thing, the The Paul Weyrich Awards Dinner — Wednesday night! — which “honors those who have made a major contribution to advancing the cause of liberty through organizations and media and whose work reflects beliefs, principles and convictions that are harmonious with Paul’s own values.” Yet K-Lo only gets one nomination? We’re picking winners right now. Read more on Who Should Win These Terrible Conservative Dinner Awards?…
  gay old party

Republicans Weirdly Silent About NY Gay Marriage OK’d By Republicans

According to the Republican Party of America circa 2008, the biggest threat to America was a couple of nice gay people who live together and share all their expenses also being able to visit each other in the hospital, thanks to “gay marriage.” But now that New York State Republicans have approved Gay Marriage, the national GOP is suspiciously silent. Maybe they were all gay all along? Well yeah, but they are still supposed to be against any legislation that was fair to gays overall. Have Republicans all turned “Cuomosexual?” Read more on Republicans Weirdly Silent About NY Gay Marriage OK’d By Republicans…
  valentine's day massacre

Kathryn Jean Lopez Asks Someone To Tell Her About Being Married

It’s Valentine’s Day, everybody — otherwise known as “the saddest day at National Review Online.” But NRO editor Kathryn Jean Lopez isn’t one to hide behind her sadness and resignation and Jonah Goldberg screensaver (when he was young and kind of cute). Instead, K-Lo asked a “marriage expert” to explain why she cannot seem to find the happiness Jesus Christ intended for her, in the form of wedded bliss to some tough guy, maybe Tony Soprano, so she wouldn’t have to live out her days as a spinster blogging in an apartment. Imagine the house she could have, in New Jersey! And children, just running around the way children probably run around, on the lawn or whatever. A lawn with a crucifix-picket fence, maybe. Some flowers or whatever, an herb garden. And this might be the night Tony comes home all ginned up and randy, with the sedan parked haphazardly on the lawn! Baby No. 3 could be created tonight. Read more on Kathryn Jean Lopez Asks Someone To Tell Her About Being Married…
  alms for the poor

For Only 50¢ a Day, You Too Can Save a Kathryn Jean-Lopez’s Life

In rotation with Santa Claus, apparently this too is now a pop-up ad on the National Review‘s website. Please, as you enjoy your bounty and familial love this holiday season, please think of the less fortunate. Please, think of the young K-Lo in the streets of Mumbai, trying to blog from underneath the rubble of Jonah Goldberg. [via Wonkette operative “Elon G.”] Read more on For Only 50¢ a Day, You Too Can Save a Kathryn Jean-Lopez’s Life…
  self-loathing mexican ladies

National Review’s K-Lo Furious Over Obama’s Reverse-Sexism

National Review overlord, abortion dragon, and self-loathing vagina Kathryn Jean Lopez had absolutely nothing to type about Elena Kagan’s nomination to the Supreme Court, so here is what she typed anyway. Don’t worry, K-Lo. Elena Kagan will never hire any of those lazy piece-of-shit women or minorities — especially Mexican women, COUGH COUGH MISS LOPEZ — to work for her. [Twitter via operative “Kryz”] Read more on National Review’s K-Lo Furious Over Obama’s Reverse-Sexism…
  has she ever even *had* sex?

K-Lo Getting Hairy Palms Because of All the Nasty Sexytime On the ‘Puter

Ever since National Review Online’s old maid Kathryn Jean Lopez heard about sex a few weeks ago, she has been frantically typing with one hand about all the dirty, dirty, dirty pornography on the Internet which is so filthy, so hawt, so nasty. (Actually, K-Lo “discovers” the p0rN every year about this time. It’s like some gross mating dance done by a weird prairie turkey.) Read more on K-Lo Getting Hairy Palms Because of All the Nasty Sexytime On the ‘Puter…
  keep that up and you'll go blind

Porn-Crazed Kathryn Jean Lopez Begs For ‘Steady Stream of E-mails Coming Into My Inbox’

Lonely National Review Online blogger Kathryn Jean Lopez regularly rhapsodizes over three untouchable Man-Gods (the Pope, Ronald Reagan and Jonah Goldberg) and sternly disapproves of almost everything else in our Earthly Realm, especially Pornography. Now, however, K-Lo is literally begging readers of her hilarious group-blog “The Corner” to send their porn confessions — all because some lady called “Anonymous” posted some tragic thing blaming naked pictures on the Internet for making her husband abandon her and her nineteen children. So sad, this modern world. Read more on Porn-Crazed Kathryn Jean Lopez Begs For ‘Steady Stream of E-mails Coming Into My Inbox’…
  important developments

K-Lo Finally Gets ‘Black Man Puts Feet On Desk’ FWD

Months later, the wingnuts finally got around to forwarding their “getcher feet offa mah Merkin desk, Obama bin Lyin’, its from Queen Vic dagnabbit” email to National Review abortion dragon Kathryn Jean Lopez. Since K-Lo Does Not Read Wonkette, someone should forward her that Bush picture, and then maybe she’d shut up and return to life on Planet Earth. [Twitter] Read more on K-Lo Finally Gets ‘Black Man Puts Feet On Desk’ FWD…
  snowpocalypse ii: the indiana jones

Haw Haw Arugula Haw K-Lo Haw

This reminds, us, we have to go buy arugula right now, or K-Lo will chop off Active Senator Rick Santorum’s dick! THE SNOW IS STARTING TO STICK. [Instaputz]