Tag Archives: karl rove

  photo tours

George W. Bush Is President of Paintings

And this is a painting of George W. Bush, as unveiled at a White House ceremony that just wrapped up. Look at ‘im. He’s like, “Boy howdy don’t I look good, hummina hummina.” And no, it wasn’t “awkward,” this ceremony. Some folks have suggested that the atmosphere might be uncomfortable since Barack Obama has been known to criticize George W. Bush’s record on the campaign trail. As if Bush gives a crap? No, they just told jokes and everyone had a laugh, ha ha ha, like that. Read more on George W. Bush Is President of Paintings…
  wonkette geography seminars

Karl Rove Would Like To Troll You With His Electoral Map

The esteemed KARL ROVE & CO. firm is out with its first electoral map of the season, and whoo boy does it show some kinda landslide for Barack Obama, giving him approximately 700 electoral votes. Really, Karl? South Carolina as a toss-up? South Carolina only does two things, and it does them well: voting against Kenyans and seceding from Unions, and they won’t secede from this Union until they get another chance to vote against this Kenyan. Read more on Karl Rove Would Like To Troll You With His Electoral Map…
  and you have nothing

Karl Rove Has $200 Million To Screw Around With

Oh man, Karl Rove. Here we all were in 2008 thinking that he’d finally leave the highest ranks of presidential politics and probably go to jail or pick his nose under the railroad tracks all day or something. Instead, here we are with the 2012 presidential election and Rove is running the Republican side yet again, only this time with more money at his disposal and no boss to report to — because, of course, Super PACs are not allowed to and would most certainly never coordinate with actual campaigns. Read more on Karl Rove Has $200 Million To Screw Around With…
  fat diabetic snake eating its own tail

Wingnuts Furious About … Fox News Going Liberal

What are America’s old white racist exurban cretins on Medicare and Social Security upset about today? Oh, the usual: Obama, liberals, gays, sex, black people, youth, hippies, the poor, the rich, Mexicans, “the hip hop,” Iran, exercise, unemployment, unemployment benefits, vegetables, a talented black woman with addiction problems such as Whitney Houston, organic farms, birth control, people having sexual intercourse in general, solar energy, Mormons, national parks, public transportation, Europe, NPR, Media Matters, the New York Times, CNN, MSNBC and Fox News. WAIT WHAT IN THE ??? Yes, Fox News. The wingnuts have spastically lurched from one invented outrage to the next with such shallow furor that they finally wound up enraged about the very teevee channel that tells them what to freak out about. Read more on Wingnuts Furious About … Fox News Going Liberal…
  angry little worm people

Karl Rove Invents Worst SOTU Drinking Game Ever, In History

Here is Karl Rove’s State of the Union drinking game, which has only one rule: the middle class makes Karl Rove want to puke when he hears it mentioned. The middle class makes Karl Rove so sick he can even skip the drinking and go right to the vomiting. “That doesn’t sound like much of a drinking game,” you might say, because it isn’t. Karl Rove must throw the worst parties in America. Read more on Karl Rove Invents Worst SOTU Drinking Game Ever, In History…
  great mysteries of our time

Why Is Elizabeth Warren Doing So Well in Polls When Karl Rove Told Everyone To Hate Her?

Hey, everyone remember that weird attack ad Karl Rove’s sweatshop of joyless video editor-slaves at Crossroads GPS slapped together a few weeks ago accusing Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren of hating “job creation” because she, um, sympathized with the concerns of the unemployed and Occupy Wall Street? Yeah, so: how well has this strategy worked for Team Karl? Warren is up seven points in a new poll and leading in the race against Scott Brown for the first time, is how well! The poll also found that voters think Warren is a better advocate for the dwindling middle class than Wall Street knob-gobbler Brown by a ten-point margin. Hmmmmm. Well, crap. No, hey, look guys, Team Karl does not panic, the thing to do here is oh, uh, gah, URGH… OH THEY KNOW, just make the exact opposite ad, this time accusing Elizabeth Warren of sinister, cold hatred for the working class. Read more on Why Is Elizabeth Warren Doing So Well in Polls When Karl Rove Told Everyone To Hate Her?…
  snowbilly's failed revenge

Imbecile Sarah Palin Thinks Roger Ailes Doesn’t Own Her (He Does)

Thanksgiving hasn’t even happened yet and look, here already is a giant plate of half-putrefied “leftovers” to add to the compost bin: mutant overgrown toad wart Roger Ailes nearly (OH GOD, WHY NEARLY) evicted yammering reject Sarah Palin from his evil teevee space beams in an enraged fit right after she “announced” she was quitting the presidential race she never joined, because she failed at her sole remaining paid task of delivering this breaking non-information on Fox News. Sarah Palin told some other outlet first for the same reason she does anything: out of raw, brainless spite. Read more on Imbecile Sarah Palin Thinks Roger Ailes Doesn’t Own Her (He Does)…
 

Watch Karl Rove Get Snippy After Getting Mic Checked (VIDEO)

Returned dildo Karl Rove caught a case of one of these human microphones that are going around, this time courtesy of some rather mouthy students at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. Skip the first boring 1:30 and then marvel as Rove asks them, “Who gave you the right to occupy America? Nobody!” If you ignore the shoutiest students being black-bagged stage right and listen hard enough, you can just make out the wailing of an Iraqi orphan in the background. Read more on Watch Karl Rove Get Snippy After Getting Mic Checked (VIDEO)…
  job creation vs. evolution

Elizabeth Warren Hates ‘Job Creation’ For Sympathizing With Jobless

How do you prove you hate “job creation” in America? According to a new GOP commercial attacking Elizabeth Warren, you do this by expressing sympathy and support for the jobless Americans taking part in the Occupy protests nationwide. The ad was created by Karl Rove’s anus Crossroads Grassroots Policy Strategies, some wingnut consulting firm that is legally a fetus in America. The commercial’s ominous narration says, “Fourteen million out of work, but instead of focusing on jobs, Elizabeth Warren sides with extreme left protests.” So it’s apparently “extreme left” to protest joblessness, and it’s not “focusing on jobs” to support the jobless who are protesting joblessness, is that right? This is going to be a tough campaign year for the Karl Roves of this world! Read more on Elizabeth Warren Hates ‘Job Creation’ For Sympathizing With Jobless…
  gays are everywhere!

Herman Cain Just Like Ronald Reagan (In Hiding Homosexual Staffers)

Herman Cain knows how to turn America into a vast nation of slobs who eat shitty take-out pizza (paid for with Social Security disability checks and Food Stamps) seven times a week. Why won’t Republicans make him the new president? Well for one thing, Herman Cain has a gang of radical homosexuals running his campaign. And Cain has been caught trying to cover up this gayness, probably because Karl Rove spread the word because if anyone knows where the GOP’s many powerful closeted homosexuals are hidden, it’s Karl Rove. (We’re just guessing here, based on decades of history.) Anyway, Herman Cain = Gay! Now it’s okay for Republican voters to officially denounce him, the way they couldn’t really do just because of that other thing right-wing Republicans don’t like. Read more on Herman Cain Just Like Ronald Reagan (In Hiding Homosexual Staffers)…
  on pins and needles

Karl Rove Forces Media to Write Another ‘Will Sarah Palin Run?’ Story

Oh, look whose handlers discovered fish-eye lenses and sepia filters! Insipid reality teevee grandma Sarah Palin released another mind-numbing Internet home movie about signing autographs in Iowa to share, for whatever reason, who needs a reason? Rat-faced freak show Karl Rove excitedly predicts she released this video because she is finally planning to jump into the presidential race on September 3 at a major Iowa Tea Party remedial reading seminar that she will keynote, but we predict it’s because Sarah Palin still wants cash, and we will always be right. How do American voters feel about this exciting news? Read more on Karl Rove Forces Media to Write Another ‘Will Sarah Palin Run?’ Story…
  weird moments

Karl Rove Says It’s All About Peace and Love and Religious Diversity

Oh look, it is Karl Rove, who must have overdone it on the Quaaludes today because what is he saying, about there being different religions in this country, or people without any religion at all? Mostly he says he is offended because President Obama wrote something mean about him in his book, whatever. Here is Karl Rove defending the Jews and Muslims, for some reason: Read more on Karl Rove Says It’s All About Peace and Love and Religious Diversity…
  easy decision points

Timely New Report: Bush White House Constantly Broke Election Law

American taxpayers (China) paid for Bush administration officials to conduct political campaign activities for the 2006 midterm elections, which violated federal law and is information that, perhaps, we could have used somewhat earlier than a half decade after the fact. This is not surprising, nor is it surprising Karl Rove directed this stuff. What’s really awful is the sheer incompetence of the federal officials using these taxpayer funds, seeing as the 2006 midterms were a total blowout for the GOP. If you’re going to spend our money on elections, at least win some of them. So, are any of these Bush people going to be prosecuted for breaking the law? LOL. Read more on Timely New Report: Bush White House Constantly Broke Election Law…
  needs more ham biscuits

Everyone In GOP Mad At Jim DeMint For Losing Senate

The Republican Party has taken a step back from their sweeping victory in America’s ultimate, #1, super repudiation of big government to wonder why, in fact, they didn’t take control of BOTH halves of our two-headed legislative branch; the answer to this conundrum can only be that Jim DeMint is a stupid face. Jim DeMint, you see, gave out all his money (you cannot beat a Daoist by spending money) to Teabagger candidates who went on to win primaries, and then a whole bunch of these people lost in the general election despite being loveably insane. If the party hadn’t nominated complete crazies in Nevada, Delaware, and Colorado, the thinking goes, they could at least have split the Senate. Of course, the natural response to this argument is that Republican candidates were not crazy enough. Read more on Everyone In GOP Mad At Jim DeMint For Losing Senate…
  it's morning in america

Karl Rove’s Scary Stories Helped Electorate Realize Obama Is Muslim

Every media personality and hologram agrees: Barack Obama was not reelected. He lost the election, sorry, goodbye! But who won? The easy answer is “America,” but don’t be rude: give credit where credit’s due! Scary Horror Stories won this election, and you could easily argue that Karl Rove’s piggy bank was also a big winner. Another unsung 9/11 hero: The US Chamber of Commerce, which funneled many millions of dollars into totally factual political ads targeting Democrats as anti-business baby snatchers. And these ads worked extremely well, so congratulations to the friendly mom-and-pop apple pie corner store lobbyists at the Chamber! What is that Winston Churchill quote? “Democracy is the worst form of government, except all the others that have been tried. Ha ha, but really folks, American Democracy is the worst.” And then a V-2 rocket hit his house, or something. [Business Week] Read more on Karl Rove’s Scary Stories Helped Electorate Realize Obama Is Muslim… Read more on Karl Rove’s Scary Stories Helped Electorate Realize Obama Is Muslim…
  it's morning in america

BREAKING: Rich Dudes Love Republicans

Because all Republican rhetoric is about how the ELITE represses the PEOPLE and we should always side with the PEOPLE against the ELITE and their SINISTER GOVERNMENT, you might think that America’s actual economic elite would be opposed to Republican policies. You would be wrong, though! For instance, over the course of this cycle rich dude Bob Perry has spread a cool $11 million around among Karl Rove’s American Crossroads election cabal and the Republican Governors Association. Also, radical outsider Tea Party candidates are getting campaign money from rich Wall Street fat cats, via John Boehner! Read more on BREAKING: Rich Dudes Love Republicans… Read more on BREAKING: Rich Dudes Love Republicans…
  it's morning in america

To Fire Or Not To Fire: That Is The Question

It’s morning and we still don’t know if President Obama is going to fire Stanley McChrystal for his whining or not! McChrystal already sent in his resignation, but Obama hasn’t decided whether to accept it or not. He’s probably doing that typical Obama thing where he’s carefully weighing his options and talking with subject matter experts before making a decision, but he also may just be letting McChrystal stew, because Barry hates General Jerky Pants and wants him to suffer. Meanwhile, all this nonsense is making America look bad in front of the Foreigns. “Yes, we do hear them disparage each other,” said a senior European diplomat, who works on Afghan issues and no doubt sounded smug and superior. “It’s never good to hear that.” Read more on To Fire Or Not To Fire: That Is The Question… Read more on To Fire Or Not To Fire: That Is The Question…
  america has no manners

Karl Rove Fights, Loses To Hippies, In Beverly Hills

Fancy book-author Karl Rove went to Beverly Hills last night to take questions about his very very gay dad. But then Code Pink showed up to make a citizen’s arrest, and Karl had no security! Was he able to beat up these ladies good? Also, someone brings up the Downing Street Memo, which Rove calls a fabrication — just like in 2005! Who goes to these things? [YouTube] Read more on Karl Rove Fights, Loses To Hippies, In Beverly Hills…
  sad stories of failure

Bush Never Got To Name FedEx Guy As America’s Top Warlord

Have you read all of Karl Rove’s memoir Me, Poop, Trash, & Gargoyles and presented your findings to your fellow unemployment line decorations yet, at the Water Cooler? You have?? Lucky. Well then surely you remember the part where Rove reveals how George W. Bush kept trying to get Fred Smith, the FedEx shipping company CEO, to become Secretary of Defense constantly, because he was serious about wars and terror. Read more on Bush Never Got To Name FedEx Guy As America’s Top Warlord…
  twitter family values

Karl Rove Suffers Painful Divorce, Types Inane Self-Promotional Talking Points On Twitter

Beloved Bush Administration political hack Karl Rove just got divorced from his lady wife! Who even knew, right? Anyway, the Roves were officially divorced in Texas (!) last week, and it’s suddenly all over the Internets, and Dana Perino is “family spokeswoman,” and Karl is celebrating by continuing to post banal GOP talking points and self-promotional announcements about his upcoming book on the Twitter. Everything about America is 100% awesome. Make your “now he can gay-marry Jeff Gannon in DC” jokes in the comments and the Circle of Life will be complete. [TPM/Politico] Read more on Karl Rove Suffers Painful Divorce, Types Inane Self-Promotional Talking Points On Twitter…
  whoops

22 Million Missing Bush Emails Found, Probably In Alberto Gonzales’ Pants

Hooray, some “White House contractors” have located 22 million emails missing from the Bush Administration’s eight-year crime spree. Some do-gooder group or another sued the White House for access to these obviously incriminating records of daily operations under Bush/Cheney, and whaddya know, 22 million emails were suddenly found, probably on a thumb drive in Alberto Gonzales’ anus, just like in that William Gibson story. Once cleansed by technicians at the National Archives, all references to plotting and perpetuating 9/11, Iraq, Katrina and the assassination of Dumbledore will be removed. Read more on 22 Million Missing Bush Emails Found, Probably In Alberto Gonzales’ Pants…
  people who should be in jail

MARK YOUR CALENDARS! Ooh, a book that might actually rival Going Rogue, in lies: “NEW YORK – Karl Rove’s memoir has a title, ‘Courage and Consequence,’ and a release date — March 9, 2010.” Well if there’s snappy alliteration in the title, we can’t not buy it. [AP] Read more on …