Tag Archives: karl rove

  Ohio Republicans Mad About A Thing

Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names

Wuss Mountain, more like.
Surprised he didn’t rename it Hope The Terrorists Win Mountain. Emperor Obama has issued another fatwa, and this time it is about how it’s no longer okay for North America’s highest peak, which is located right in the middle of Ohio in Alaska, to be named after President William McKinley, but rather, it should be given a funny foreign Alaskan name, “Denali.” This is obvious government overreach, as all mountains got their names directly from Jesus, when they were formed, and He wanted this one to be named after a U.S. president. You have questions, we have answers. Read more on Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names…
  Courser And Coarser

Michigan Teabagger Fornicator Also Accused Himself Of Child Molestation, For Jesus

As you might have expected, the twisted stupid saga of Todd Courser, the Michigan state representative who faked a gay-hooker scandal to cover up his genuine heterosex affair with another legislator, state Rep. Cindy Gamrat, and then claimed that he was being blackmailed, has taken another weird turn. A Michigan political blogger says this isn’t Courser’s first attempt at Nixonian ratfucking: Last year, during an extremely close Republican primary for the 82nd state House district, Courser allegedly faked a smear campaign against himself, claiming that some unknown enemy had distributed fliers accusing him of being a child molester. We’re sure Courser, a raving rightwing Tea Party loony who can’t go five minutes without invoking his Christian values, should have a heck of a compelling explanation for this accusation too, like maybe a high-level plot against him by the enemies of Jesus. Read more on Michigan Teabagger Fornicator Also Accused Himself Of Child Molestation, For Jesus…
  dreams can come true

Texas Oil Heir Finds Secret Of Happiness: Murdering Endangered Rhinos

This fuckin' guy.
There are, like, 5,000 black rhinos left in the wild, tops. And now there’s one fewer, thanks to Texas oil heir Corey Knowlton, who legally shot an endangered black rhino and then legally brought it back to the United States, because that made Corey Knowlton feel like a big strong hunting man. What, how even, please explain to us NPR. Read more on Texas Oil Heir Finds Secret Of Happiness: Murdering Endangered Rhinos…
  Rules Were Made To Be Broken

Oh Hey GOP, Whatcha Doin’? Breakin’ Some Laws?

No, honey, the rats are just playing a little rough.
You guys are not going to believe this, but CNN broke a story, and it’s got everything — political malfeasance, coded tweets, Karl Rove! It’s a story that once again reinforces how crappy Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy’s reasoning in Citizens United was, and like most of Yr Wonket’s favorite stories, it appears to have come to light only because one group of professional ratfuckers decided to tattle to the press about another group of professional ratfuckers. First, let’s go over the facts as they’re being presented by CNN’s Chris Moody. Read more on Oh Hey GOP, Whatcha Doin’? Breakin’ Some Laws?…
  They're just really giving parents

Daddy, Dan Sullivan Wants An Alaska Senate Seat NOW!

How much do Sandra and Thomas Sullivan love their son Dan? They love him at least $550,000, according to financial disclosures by two super PACs that are helping Dan beat Democrat Mark Begich in the race for Alaska’s Senate seat. Read more on Daddy, Dan Sullivan Wants An Alaska Senate Seat NOW!…
  tears of the clowns

Chris McDaniel Pretty Sure Zombie Ronald Reagan Doesn’t Think Thad Cochran Won

We stayed up late last night just to make sure we could maximize our intake of sweet Tea Party tears over Chris McDaniel losing the GOP primary to incumbent Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran. McDaniel had proved to be a reliable source of ridiculous, but even with that we will not be sorry to see him go, especially because this entire thing made us feel like we had to defend Thad Cochran, which made us feel like we needed to take a Silkwood shower. We know that Cochran’s victory means that he cruises to victory in November, but right now we’re just going to laugh ourselves silly listening to all the half-angry/half-sad trombone noises coming from the Tea Party friends of McDaniel. Read more on Chris McDaniel Pretty Sure Zombie Ronald Reagan Doesn’t Think Thad Cochran Won…
  so many crimers

If We’re Lucky, All The 2016 GOP Candidates Could Land In Jail Before The Election

Did you guys know it is hella tough to bring the funny when it comes to campaign finance scandals, because you have to explain coordination and superPACs and oh Christ we’re bored already. We’ll make an exception, though, for this bit of finance fuckery — possibly maybe criminal finance fuckery! — involving Scott Walker, because who wants to pass up an opportunity to bash Scott Walker? Certainly not yr Wonkette. Read more on If We’re Lucky, All The 2016 GOP Candidates Could Land In Jail Before The Election…
  We're Not Even Kidding

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Don’t You Dare Say “Not All Men” Edition

As it damn well should, the Times leads with the horrific shooting in California Friday night, but nothing about the Times’s dispassionate reporting style can capture the godawful misogyny that is at the core of Eliot Rodger’s murderous rampage in Santa Barbara. To its credit (?), the Times does link to Rodger’s full manifesto, which is a document that oozes hate for women, that causes the hair on the back of your neck and your arms to prickle with sick recognition: this might be mental illness, but it is an illness that is not unfamiliar to women who routinely and disproportionately are the victims of harassment, neglect, violence, and death at the hands of men. Rodger’s actions were an extreme manifestation of a cultural view that is not actually uncommon: that women “owe” men attention, that women who don’t put out are bitches, that women who do put out — for other guys, of course — are sluts, and all these women get what they “deserve” — violence from men. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Don’t You Dare Say “Not All Men” Edition…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert’s Many Weird Tricks For Defeating Hillary Clinton (Video)

Here’s Stephen Colbert with a few suggestions for how the GOP can defeat Hillary Clinton, just in case the whole “brain damage” thing doesn’t work out. Gotta get tough — after all, this isn’t the ’90s, when the Clintons got a free pass from the Republicans. For instance, maybe they could take a page the Mississippi Senate primary and float a story about Hillary abandoning “Hillary’s secret bedridden wife.” Now that it’s out there, let’s just see Hillary deny it. The other thing we love about this clip is that apparently it’s taken a couple of years for anyone to make this joke: “Just ask RNC chair and Harry Potter incantation, Reince Priebus…” Read more on Stephen Colbert’s Many Weird Tricks For Defeating Hillary Clinton (Video)…
  dear god it's only 2014

Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News

This weekend a scaly, horrifying, rage-addled lizard rose from the depths of its subterranean lair and slithered onto screens all over the country, where it opened its jaw and shrieked high-pitched noises at terrified Americans as it stomped its way across the land, leaving destruction in its wake. Yep, Dick Cheney was on Fox News Sunday again to talk about Hillary Clinton and BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! as if anyone on the planet should give a foamy crap about what Dick Cheney thinks about anything. Read more on Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Is Worried About Karl Rove’s Brain (Video)

Stephen Colbert brings you the definitive analysis of Karl Rove’s recent medical genius, in which the Republican operative and Fox News pundit diagnosed Hillary Clinton with brain damage. Sure, Rove’s gotten a lot of flack for the completely unfounded speculation, but on the other hand, cable TV news is definitely talking about it, so Rove’s accomplished his goal. Read more on Stephen Colbert Is Worried About Karl Rove’s Brain (Video)…
  liar liar

Karl Rove Pretty Sure That Hillary Clinton Has A Brain Injury That Caused Benghazi

Everybody knows that the denizens of Fox News dwell in a fetid fact-free swamp, a veritable no-holds-barred cage match to see who can lie in the most spectacular way, so it isn’t really surprising that Karl Rove oozed his way out of their primordial muck and slimed over to a conference in Los Angeles to lie his doughy face off about Hillary Clinton’s 2012 brain clot and concussion that landed her in the hospital. He said if Clinton runs for president, voters must be told what happened when she suffered a fall in December 2012. The official diagnosis was a blood clot. Rove told the conference near LA Thursday, “Thirty days in the hospital? And when she reappears, she’s wearing glasses that are only for people who have traumatic brain injury? We need to know what’s up with that.” Read more on Karl Rove Pretty Sure That Hillary Clinton Has A Brain Injury That Caused Benghazi…
  gnomes

Republicans Wasting $14 Million On IRS Non-Scandal Investigation. Food Stamps Still Being Cut.

Hey look! It’s another day, so let’s talk more about the IRS non-scandal, because apparently there is no end to the Republican appetite for self-embarrassment. As we all know, there has been absolutely no evidence of wrongdoing by the IRS in the whole kerfuffle over targeting Tea Party groups’ tax-exempt status. But you can’t put a price on liberty, and it’s not like Congress is wasting literally millions of taxpayer dollars on this fruitless witch hunt, right? IRS Commissioner John Koskinen [released a letter] documenting the significant funds expended by the IRS in responding to Congressional inquiries to date, including $8 million in direct costs—such as salaries, benefits, and travel—and an additional $6 million to $8 million to add capacity to information technology systems to process materials to investigators. For that kind of money, we would buy the finest muffins and bagels in all the land. And then we would gay marry every lawn gnome in America! Holy waste, fraud, and abuse, wonketeers! Let’s scandalsplore.  Read more on Republicans Wasting $14 Million On IRS Non-Scandal Investigation. Food Stamps Still Being Cut….
  nasty as he wanna be

Roger Ailes Did Not Spend All That Money On A Glass Desk To Not Be Able To See Your Snatch

Roger Ailes, that jowly old leftover from the Cantina scene in Star Wars, turns out to be exactly the sort of high-minded gentleman that you might expect, assuming his mind is located a few inches south of his belt buckle. We have another batch of pre-release ugly bits from that new biography from Gabriel Sherman, this time courtesy of the intrepid muck-sorters at Media Matters, who found the icky stuff so people who eagerly buy the book can plausibly say they never read it. Turns out that one of the longest categories in the book’s index is “Legs, Ailes’s fixation on.” As we already knew from Gretchen Carlson, ladies on Fox and Friends were forbidden to wear the pantaloons; now we find that no matter what was going on in the world, Ailes knew what mattered for Fair And Balanced News: gams, drumsticks, pins, alabaster pillars, stems, getaway sticks, Legs. We knew that he was kind of an extremist, but had no idea how obsessed he was with extremities. Read more on Roger Ailes Did Not Spend All That Money On A Glass Desk To Not Be Able To See Your Snatch…
  we've created a monster

Tough Guy Mitch McConnell Gonna Punch All Those Tea Party Bullies POW Right In The Nose

You know who is a tough guy? Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is a tough guy, and you know this is true, because in a conference call with Karl Rove and other RINOs, he said why, why, he’s agonna stand up to all them teabullies like Ted Cruz and Mike Lee and punch em POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER! Someone who was on that conference call hates Mitch McConnell and loves Ted Cruz, obviously, or they would not be transmitting seeeekrit information to noted Tea Party toady Matthew Boyle, of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home for A Christmas Story Bully Sidekick Impersonators. Read more on Tough Guy Mitch McConnell Gonna Punch All Those Tea Party Bullies POW Right In The Nose…