Beloved Bush Administration political hack Karl Rove just got divorced from his lady wife! Who even knew, right? Anyway, the Roves were officially divorced in Texas (!) last week, and it’s suddenly all over the Internets, and Dana Perino is “family spokeswoman,” and Karl is celebrating by continuing to post banal GOP talking points and self-promotional announcements about his upcoming book on the Twitter. Everything about America is 100% awesome. Make your “now he can gay-marry Jeff Gannon in DC” jokes in the comments and the Circle of Life will be complete. [TPM/Politico]

Hooray, some “White House contractors” have located 22 million emails missing from the Bush Administration’s eight-year crime spree. Some do-gooder group or another sued the White House for access to these obviously incriminating records of daily operations under Bush/Cheney, and whaddya know, 22 million emails were suddenly found, probably on a thumb drive in Alberto Gonzales’ anus, just like in that William Gibson story. Once cleansed by technicians at the National Archives, all references to plotting and perpetuating 9/11, Iraq, Katrina and the assassination of Dumbledore will be removed. MORE »

• MARK YOUR CALENDARS! Ooh, a book that might actually rival Going Rogue, in lies: “NEW YORK – Karl Rove’s memoir has a title, ‘Courage and Consequence,’ and a release date — March 9, 2010.” Well if there’s snappy alliteration in the title, we can’t not buy it. [AP]

This is absolutely amazing, watching Karl Rove pretend to be so upset about the Obama administration “demeaning… the White House” and “engaging in its own version of the media enemies list,” by criticizing Fox News, the network on which he’s speaking. (Why is Terry McAuliffe there? To lose another Virginia election?) We all remember how George Bush, when he would give his one interview every seven years, would always speak to PBS or The Guardian, and not just Fox News. Karl Rove is FURIOUS! [YouTube]

• “To be clear, I root for America, therefore I root against Barack Obama.” Finally! The RedState dogma explained in one convenient sentence. [RedState]
• Everything that Glenn Beck says hates him. [Think Progress]
• Karl Rove acknowledges that he has reoccurring wet dreams about Marco Rubio, and that if he could, he would dip Marco in chocolate and then gobble him up. [TPM]
• Here is a truly shocking video of Andrew Sullivan sipping Merlot and smelling tulips whilst lounging in his finest Brooks Brothers cashmere sport coat and blabbering on about how much he loves the Queen. And he accuses Barack Obama of being a Tory? Good heavens. [The Daily Dish]
• It is true that Michelle Malkin is a bit of a “surfboard.” But now we have even more proof that Michelle is actually just Matt Taibbi in drag. [Michelle Malkin]

• Heavens to Betsy! Illegal immigrants are trying to steal Lou Dobbs’s job! [True/Slant: Marcelo Ballve]
• HE DID IT. He did it. Matt finished Infinite Jest, the novel. He read all of it. And he did not care for it. [Matt Yglesias]
• Barack Obama will create a special death panel for your beer. [TPM]
• Web 2.0 is here! And Jesus Christ, it sounds hella boring. [The Caucus]
• Arlen Specter is a rotten traitor! Where to begin? Okay, first of all: he switched sides with Benedict Arnold during the Revolutionary War. And then he helped the Russians build Sputnik. And then he attacked the USS Cole. And then he defected to the Democrats. Enough is enough. Boo Arlen! Yay Toomey! [RedState]

• Human Rights Watch is staffed by a bunch of dirty Plushophiliacs who break out the Jergens lotion every time Israel is attacked with pebbles and Estes rockets. [Commentary Magazine]
• Karl Rove is deeply concerned that America’s impressionable youth will forget to leave milk and cookies for Barack Obama on Ramadan. [Think Progress]
• Cantankerous wingnut lady dares Democratic congressman to “pull her finger” as “down payment on this health care plan.”[TPM]
• Joseph Kennedy II can’t run for senate because the Republican National Committee found Two_Girls_1_Chavez.avi on his computer. [The Caucus]
• Matt Yglesias Matt Yglesias Matt Yglesias. [AMERICAblog]

Many moons ago, when your Wonkette was edited by a fresh-faced young lad named David Lat, a contest was held to determine the very hottest White House Hottie of all. And some gal named Taylor Hughes, who had been photographed having outdoor hand sex with Karl Rove, was crowned the winner in the female division. MORE »

The research goblins over at TPM and the New York Times are busy at work devouring thousands of pages of newly released documents regarding the US attorney firing scandal. At an undetermined point in the future, these specially evolved goblins will excrete a powdery white substance and several pages of “analysis,” or at least a few juicy quotes from Karl Rove about how he is guilty of unspeakable crimes against David Iglesias, the US attorney in New Mexico who was fired “for poor performance” (meaning, because he did not aggressively pursue Republican allegations of voter fraud). MORE »

When Nobama shuts down Twitter to finally free America from gross old white guys typing porn on their Blackberry machines, it will be messages like this one that we remember, from creepy weirdo Karl Rove, about how he works in an office full of masturbators draped in Snuggie-brand couch blankets, in the heat of July. [Twitter via The Hill]

• Barack Obama traded five captured Iranian commando terrorists, Jon Favreau, a nuclear warhead, and a Cal Ripken Jr. rookie card for one (1) journalist. Are you insane, Mr. President? Next time please consult Beckett’s baseball card price guide? [Power Line]
• Here is a story about a fellow named Ace, a man who wakes up every day and leads bayonet charges against the liberal elite, on the internet. But then one day our hero Ace said something TRAITOROUS about America’s favorite quitter, and received a barrage of grapeshot fired from unmerciful Commenter Canons. And then an armada of Confederate Ironclads called him mean names. The End. [True/Slant]
• Good news for white people! In Thailand, “white is in,” and if you move there and get a job, you will be paraded around and fed treats for being so exotic and white. Sorry, not-white-people. Try Laos? [Andrew Sullivan]
• Karl Rove makes an eloquent case for not telling the irresponsible blabbermouth children in Congress about anything, especially not “secret stuff” the CIA does. Best to go straight to John Ensign’s parents. [Think Progress]
• Sarah Palin quit her job so she could spend more time adding her favorite Aristotle quotes to her Facebook profile. But even if she adds two or three new quotes a day, that’s like what, 3 hours? This woman needs to find some extra-curricular activities! The problem: all of the good summer internships have been taken, and uh, nobody wants to be seen with her in public. Thailand beckons! [AMERICAblog]

WHY OLD PEOPLE LOVE THE TWITTERS: “To a person with short-term memory loss, Twitter serves a vital function: every time the user announces, ‘Going across the street to get ice cream,’ they notify not only their 30,000-odd ‘followers,’ but they also establish a record for themselves so that if they end up across the street wondering what on earth they’re doing staring at a pint of Haagen-Dazs, they need only check their Twitter status for the magical answer. And then they can ‘tweet’ about their ice cream, which is important!” [Sara's NBC Gig]

John Conyers recently issued a subpeona requiring Karl Rove to appear before the House Judiciary Committee to talk about that whole attorney-firing scandal thing, and of course Karl Rove did not show up because what is he, a private citizen who is subject to the nation’s laws? MORE »

Some local folks spotted a black Porsche with the Virginia license plate “I Rove” in their Crystal City, VA apartment complex parking lot. We believe it has the name of Karl Rove’s frat in the border. Most importantly, it is a handicapped spot. This is the first bad thing Karl Rove has ever done in his life. UPDATE: Some commenters have pointed out that the border is actually that of a black fraternity (Kappa Alpha Psi, not Pi Kappa Alpha). Why did Karl Rove steal a black man’s car? [Anai Rhoads]