BEST DREAM TEAM SINCE ‘92 USA BASKETBALL: Former Clinton chief strategist and irreparable dipshit Mark Penn is hiring a new vice chairwoman for his elitist Burson-Marsteller PR firm, and it’s Eleanor Roosevelt. Just kidding, it’s worse! He is hiring famous Bush loyalist Karen Hughes as his vice chairwoman, where she will “provide crisis communications consulting and advice to corporate clients.” What a catch! Karen Hughes has a well detailed background as a P.R. mastermind. [NYT/The Caucus]

What has Condoleezza Rice accomplished in the past week? The answer is always the same: nothing! What has she been doing, where has she been going? Well, that’s a more complicated question. Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! This past week, Dr. Secretary sat around and offended her underlings, said goodbye to an old friend, got sharp objects thrown at her by Turkish children, and then received a subpoena from mean people who just won’t leave her alone!

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Hey kids, the State Department has just learned of the hot new trend from 2001, “the blog.” And like everything else in Condi Rice’s best-ever Department of State, this blog is an almost comical failure. Start with the name: DIPNOTE. As proven by the approximately 200 e-mails we just received about this thing, the immediate reaction to that ridiculous name is “More like dipshit.” MORE »

In this six-minute, State Department-provided clip, Karen Hughes (Under Secretary of State for Public Diplomacy) and Condoleezza Rice, GQ’s MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN WASHINGTON, DC, sit on a couch and chat with Cal Ripken, Jr., the famous baseball player. He apparently works for State now? As… Ambassador of Baseball? MORE »

John McCain has a hundred soldiers protecting him as he braves markets in California, Karen Hughes atones for the Administration’s moral failings one spoonful at a time, Rahm Emanuel stuffs his own face every night of the week, Trent Lott names things after himself, Christopher Hitchens is surprisingly solvent, Chuck Hagel’s offspring is surprisingly not repellent, and our favorite Marine can’t stay semper fi to just one lady.

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* Heard on the Hill: DC Madam’s lawyer says it’s a “mathematical certainty” that his client’s client list includes someone you’ve heard of, or at least someone who works for someone you’ve heard of… Richard Gere will testify before the Senate Foreign Relations committee. Oh, so will Wyclef Jean. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Jenna Bush book blah blah boxcar etc etc… Scooter Libby too sad to eat, Karen Hughes and Mrs Joe Lieberman lunched together. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: “The flag flying in the middle of Battleground National Cemetery on Georgia Avenue is dirty, tattered and hanging from only one ring of the pole, which itself is in need of repair.” … Howard Baker Jr., Tom Daschle, Bob Dole and George Mitchell have a new pickup basketball team think tank. [Examiner]
* Shenanigans: Former House staffer has written a play full of thinly-veiled characters and lotsa laffs. [Politico]
* Rush & Molloy: Island Def Jam head throws a party for Barack Obama. Barry Hussein got Beyonce’s autograph. [NYDN]

* Heard on the Hill: House Administration Chairwoman Juanita Millender-McDonald (D-Calif.) sends out a hilariously self-praising press release… Nancy Pelosi coins first non-dirty phrase to make it onto Urban Dictionary: “Marble Ceiling.” [Roll Call]
* Yeas and Nays: Thomas “Nasty” Nast first used the ass to represent the Democratic party on this week in 1870… “Accompanying Under Secretary of State for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs Karen P. Hughes on her trip to China today is none other than figure skating champion Michelle Kwan” … Mark Steyn: “Muslim is the new gay.” [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Two tobacco-chewing Senators defeated by fellow tobacco-chewers… Confused Freshman Rep. gets lost in Senate side looking for Nancy Pelosi’s office… Worst job in the Senate, presiding over the gavel, going to freshman. [The Hill]

Ambassador Karen Hughes, Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs, wants to strangle your screaming brats. MORE »

It’s a new year in Wonk’d but all the famous-for-dc cats have already broken their resolutions. Laura Bush only made it 3 days before she was back on the sauce, Robert Novak may have been at the happiest place on Earth, but he was still an asshole, and of course there’s Katherine Harris, as you can see, taking to the streets of Florida during the warmest winter ever, in an ankle length fur coat. You get these dandies plus a Member of Congress who loves to stare at members of men, after you unzip.

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* Reliable Source: Nancy Pelosi fails to attend party for Nancy Pelosi. Adrian Fenty made it to a lot of parties… “Laura Bush, Condi Rice, Mary Matalin, Margaret Spellings and Harriet Miers [spotted] at Cactus Cantina for a surprise birthday party for Karen Hughes. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: “During a standing ovation for Pelosi, Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner, R-Wis., easily won the prize for “first Republican to sit back down” … “According to Minority Whip Roy Blunt, R-Mo., what the job really calls for is not a whip but ‘kneepads.’” [Examiner]

Yes, the “remorseful proponents” of the Iraq Invasion are finally aware of the Hell they’ve helped create — except for David Frum, who’s been on talk radio all day whining about his quotes being “out of context” — but who are the neo-cons really blaming for the atrocities? MORE »