Tag Archives: k-lo

  thanksgiving at the corner

Let Us Now Praise Famous K-Lo Recipes: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers

Suddenly that gas price no longer indicates how old this photo is!
Important National Review Online pundit Kathryn Jean Lopez only really gets excited twice a year: When she makes up another excuse to get people to send her a bunch of porn, and when Thanksgiving comes around so she can post a Real American recipe involving ten smashed-up anus burgers stuck up the body cavity of some factory farm turkey. Read more on Let Us Now Praise Famous K-Lo Recipes: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers…
  the devil made her do it

Kathryn Jean Lopez Stole Peggy Noonan’s Laudanum, Is Seeing Demons Errrrrewhere

The tweet was promising. First, it was from K-Lo, Kathryn Jean Lopez — previously seen instructing us that we should give our kids boundaries like “no you may not shoot up a school” — and it read “When to Call an Exorcist?” OK, K-Lo, we will bite, you lovable pile of batshit. When, indeed, to call an exorcist? With K-Lo, endlessly regretting the vulgarities of Vatican II from her comfortingly cozy straitjacket at National Review Online, the answer is probably, “Touched your wanger? That’s an exorcisin’!” But even knowing and loving K-Lo as we do, we were completely unprepared for the horror show that awaited us at NRO. On Halloween, The Drudge Report highlighted a Washington Post interview with the author of The Exorcist. William Peter Blatty had used the word “demonic,” and now there atop Drudge was a photo of of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. GUUUURRRRRL YOU HIGH AS FUCK. Read more on Kathryn Jean Lopez Stole Peggy Noonan’s Laudanum, Is Seeing Demons Errrrrewhere…
  twas beauty killed the beast

But What Will K-Lo’s Reaction Be To This New Yorker Cover Of Anthony Weiner’s Danger Dong?

Some time back in the late Pleistocene era (last month? that is how time works, correct?) the United States Supreme Court was all like nah mang, teh ghey, they are people we guess, and the New Yorker responded with a charming cover showing Original Bachela’s Ernie and Bert in an affectionate cuddle. Some people simply did not care for this! (And not all of them were K-Lo, even!) When Ernie and Bert sat in the dark, watching the news like any old boring marrieds, K-Lo responded with two words: Innocence. Lost. What will she think of this giant penis disguised as the Empire State Building? Read more on But What Will K-Lo’s Reaction Be To This New Yorker Cover Of Anthony Weiner’s Danger Dong?…
  poor. baby.

NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Simply Does Not Care For The New Yorker’s Sodomite Muppets

You’re on the computer! Have you seen this wonderful New Yorker cover? We mean before right now? Well, National Review Online’s Kathryn Jean Lopez has, and she has summed it up with the two most trenchant, insightful words anyone could have in these Times of Despair. Her entire post is a picture of the cover (above!) and the headline Innocence. Lost. (Well, okay, and then the fragment “The new cover of The New Yorker:” — but still!) But what were some other two-word posts K-Lo could have wrote in its place? Let’s. Explore. Read more on NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Simply Does Not Care For The New Yorker’s Sodomite Muppets…
  the rabbit died

Universe Implodes Under Combined Weight of Maggie Gallagher, Kathryn Jean Lopez’s Giant Brains

We had such high hopes for the greatest tete a tete of this or any era, When Maggie Met K-Lo. But it turns out, when you get two overly repressed spinsters together to kaffeeklatsch on Gays and Stuff, it is actually really fucking boring. Maggie and K-Lo are all like, boo Karl Rove, boo truces, yay culture war that is how Republicans will win yesterday, today, and tomorrow, boo Gerald Ford (!), and boo taking away the ‘civil rights’ that is allowing people to vote on other people’s civil rights. YAWN, LADIES. It doesn’t even have the piquancy of K-Lo’s twitstream, which at least is hilariously focused on how we are oppressing the bishops by not allowing them to Torquemada other people’s sex lives for them, and also how she tweets novenas like twice a day (and also retweets her own NRO posts like 9 times each, just ICYMI). And nowhere does it question Maggie about how getting ditched by a dude when she was a preggers co-ed leads to the math science of words (LOGIC!) that lesbies and gheyz can’t marry each other because that guy didn’t marry Maggie Gallagher SAD FACE EMOTICON. So let’s check in on just one question, one VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION, about why is the Supreme Court infringing on religious liberty by not making evangelical Christianisms the law of the land? Read more on Universe Implodes Under Combined Weight of Maggie Gallagher, Kathryn Jean Lopez’s Giant Brains…
  thanksgiving at the corner

K-Lo Posts Her Dream Recipe: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers

Important National Review Online pundit Kathryn Jean Lopez only really gets excited twice a year: When she makes up another excuse to get people to send her a bunch of porn, and when Thanksgiving comes around so she can post a Real American recipe involving ten smashed-up anus burgers stuck up the body cavity of some factory farm turkey. Read more on K-Lo Posts Her Dream Recipe: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers…
  paper or plastic?

‘Religious Freedom!’ Cries Crazy Texas Bigot What Don’t Want No ‘Negroidal Person’ Bagging His Vittles

Hey, crazy Texas bigots! Got any freedom of religion lawsuits you’d like to file today? Oh, it’s against your religion to have a black man bag your groceries? Sure, that will do! Little Green Footballs brings us the heartwarming News Journal tale of this Texas man a-whoopin’ and a-hollerin’ about how he don’t want no “negroidal person” touching his food, while bagging it at the grocery store. The store owner — who has just earned himself an Opposite Day Chick-fil-A love-in — told the crazy bigot he couldn’t shop at that grocer’s no more. And now the crazy bigot has filed suit, because they oppressed his religious freedom to not have black people bag his food. Read more on ‘Religious Freedom!’ Cries Crazy Texas Bigot What Don’t Want No ‘Negroidal Person’ Bagging His Vittles…
  sluts

NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Just Doesn’t See What All The Fuss Is About S-E-X

Kathryn Jean Lopez, better known by her gang moniker, K-Lo, is a pill. She is unpleasant and obsequiously pious and constantly telling all other American Catholics how they’re doing Catholicism wrong by actually following the edicts of Vatican II (which said Catholics should follow the dictates of their own consciences). She moans a lot about how unfair and unconstitutional it is to tell the Church they are not in fact in charge of their employees’ personal lives if the Church is not in fact paying the bill. She calls this an attack on religious liberty, and logically and persuasively and not at all histrionically explains that by classifying birth control as “preventative medicine,” the government has now “classified fertility as a disease.” In an earlier and much-missed American epoch, she would have been Goody Lopez, calling in the witch-burners on Goody Greensmith. But now? With her latest musings for NRO — of which she is the editor — we just feel sort of deflated and sad for her. Why are people so obsessed with sex? she asks her interviewee, over and over in slightly differing forms. What’s the big freaking deal? Oh, K-Lo. Read more on NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Just Doesn’t See What All The Fuss Is About S-E-X…
  that's not racial transcendence

NRO Hires Racisty Racist It Can Dig Up, For Racism

It seems like just two months ago that the august and erudite National Review Online was having to face its terrible shame and can all its writers for being bald horrible racists. And yet their newest fellow likes to write things about how the Founding Fathers didn’t let black people vote for a reason. And also why we should declare all Muslims (ALL OF THEM) enemy combatants and get it over with. That second thing, the Muslimy one, that is just your typical Tuesday on the #WARBLOGS, so nobody will pay that one no nevermind. But that thing about black people, and why they (oh, and women, because someone has pecker issues) shouldn’t be allowed to vote? That does seem to be beyond the pale in the Civilized Right. (HAHA, yeah, no it isn’t, we totally lied.) Read more on NRO Hires Racisty Racist It Can Dig Up, For Racism…
  rock me sexy jesus

Kathryn Jean Lopez Would Like You To Know She Has An S&M Relationship With The Lord

Hey National Review person K-Lo, what’s up! Have you had some time yet to regret your even dopier than usual column? Would you like to? Great, let’s get started! “I Have A Dopey Question For Time Magazine,” K-Lo begins, and yes, stopped clock/blind pig, etc. See Time Magazine had its annual let’s-blow-everybody issue, and sexxxy Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards was in it, for sexiness, and she was written about by famous whore Sandra Fluke. So K-Lo wants to know, if people are getting the assignments for perceived affinities with their subjects, why she herself didn’t get the gig to write about Timothy Cardinal Dolan? Because why should Jon Meacham get to do it just because he has a Pulitzer and stuff? She supposes she should be grateful that a lamestream media publication would write about a Catholic at all, considering how we in the media have been WARRING them, but she must — MUST — take exception to one particularly nice thing Meacham wrote, because he forgot to put in all the sexy stuff from 9 1/2 Weeks: Read more on Kathryn Jean Lopez Would Like You To Know She Has An S&M Relationship With The Lord…
  inquisition slash fiction

K-Lo’s Wingnut Blog, ‘National Review Online,’ Tells Newt Gingrich To Quit

Wingnut Catholic slash-fiction blog National Review Online insisted, at 4 a.m. today (!), that fake Catholic convert Newt Gingrich quit losing the GOP primary and instead let authentic Catholic wingnut Rick Santorum continue losing against Mormon liberal Mitt Romney. This is apparently news, even though Kathryn Jean Lopez has always loved Rick Santorum nearly as much as she loves Joseph Ratzinger in his lovely Prada slippers and bejeweled hat and silken dress. Will Newt respect the decision of K-Lo and immediately drop out of the race, to allow Rick Santorum a longer public moment to discuss sperm and gynecology and the right holes to ejaculate into, etc.? There is, after all, a sense that America needs this, for the next 10 or 11 months straight. Read more on K-Lo’s Wingnut Blog, ‘National Review Online,’ Tells Newt Gingrich To Quit…
  valentine's day massacre

Kathryn Jean Lopez Asks Someone To Tell Her About Being Married

It’s Valentine’s Day, everybody — otherwise known as “the saddest day at National Review Online.” But NRO editor Kathryn Jean Lopez isn’t one to hide behind her sadness and resignation and Jonah Goldberg screensaver (when he was young and kind of cute). Instead, K-Lo asked a “marriage expert” to explain why she cannot seem to find the happiness Jesus Christ intended for her, in the form of wedded bliss to some tough guy, maybe Tony Soprano, so she wouldn’t have to live out her days as a spinster blogging in an apartment. Imagine the house she could have, in New Jersey! And children, just running around the way children probably run around, on the lawn or whatever. A lawn with a crucifix-picket fence, maybe. Some flowers or whatever, an herb garden. And this might be the night Tony comes home all ginned up and randy, with the sedan parked haphazardly on the lawn! Baby No. 3 could be created tonight. Read more on Kathryn Jean Lopez Asks Someone To Tell Her About Being Married…
  alms for the poor

For Only 50¢ a Day, You Too Can Save a Kathryn Jean-Lopez’s Life

In rotation with Santa Claus, apparently this too is now a pop-up ad on the National Review‘s website. Please, as you enjoy your bounty and familial love this holiday season, please think of the less fortunate. Please, think of the young K-Lo in the streets of Mumbai, trying to blog from underneath the rubble of Jonah Goldberg. [via Wonkette operative “Elon G.”] Read more on For Only 50¢ a Day, You Too Can Save a Kathryn Jean-Lopez’s Life…
  has she ever even *had* sex?

K-Lo Getting Hairy Palms Because of All the Nasty Sexytime On the ‘Puter

Ever since National Review Online’s old maid Kathryn Jean Lopez heard about sex a few weeks ago, she has been frantically typing with one hand about all the dirty, dirty, dirty pornography on the Internet which is so filthy, so hawt, so nasty. (Actually, K-Lo “discovers” the p0rN every year about this time. It’s like some gross mating dance done by a weird prairie turkey.) Read more on K-Lo Getting Hairy Palms Because of All the Nasty Sexytime On the ‘Puter…
  keep that up and you'll go blind

Porn-Crazed Kathryn Jean Lopez Begs For ‘Steady Stream of E-mails Coming Into My Inbox’

Lonely National Review Online blogger Kathryn Jean Lopez regularly rhapsodizes over three untouchable Man-Gods (the Pope, Ronald Reagan and Jonah Goldberg) and sternly disapproves of almost everything else in our Earthly Realm, especially Pornography. Now, however, K-Lo is literally begging readers of her hilarious group-blog “The Corner” to send their porn confessions — all because some lady called “Anonymous” posted some tragic thing blaming naked pictures on the Internet for making her husband abandon her and her nineteen children. So sad, this modern world. Read more on Porn-Crazed Kathryn Jean Lopez Begs For ‘Steady Stream of E-mails Coming Into My Inbox’…
  rumors on the internet

ACORN Will Return With the Aztecs and Mitt Romney In 2012

Oh you thought ACORN went away forever? You are an April Fool because ACORN is just “reinventing” itself and when its good and ready it’ll resurrect and freak everyone out, just as Jesus once did. [RedState] Read more on ACORN Will Return With the Aztecs and Mitt Romney In 2012…
  important developments

K-Lo Finally Gets ‘Black Man Puts Feet On Desk’ FWD

Months later, the wingnuts finally got around to forwarding their “getcher feet offa mah Merkin desk, Obama bin Lyin’, its from Queen Vic dagnabbit” email to National Review abortion dragon Kathryn Jean Lopez. Since K-Lo Does Not Read Wonkette, someone should forward her that Bush picture, and then maybe she’d shut up and return to life on Planet Earth. [Twitter] Read more on K-Lo Finally Gets ‘Black Man Puts Feet On Desk’ FWD…
  hahahahaha

‘Fake’ Hitler Ruins K-Lo’s Pretend America

You guys, come on! The teabaggers just wanted to dress up like George Washington and have a “virtual slave state constitutional convention” and you meanies went and ruined it all, just because the teabaggers are a bunch of delusional idiots who somehow think a wide-open website won’t be, uh, desecrated if they wish real hard or something. Plus, here’s a rare picture of K-Lo outside of her apartment, where she’s usually weeping in her Snuggie to old Reagan speeches. Read more on ‘Fake’ Hitler Ruins K-Lo’s Pretend America…
  snowpocalypse ii: the indiana jones

Haw Haw Arugula Haw K-Lo Haw

This reminds, us, we have to go buy arugula right now, or K-Lo will chop off Active Senator Rick Santorum’s dick! THE SNOW IS STARTING TO STICK. [Instaputz]
  do not want

Jonah ‘K-Lo’ Goldberg Having LA Affair With Itself?

“Weird news,” indeed. Christ! Can’t you people keep your foul third-rate romance/low-rent rendezvous off the freakin’ Internet, which really doesn’t need more pornography, and certainly not the kind you two would create. Ugh. Thanks, Sadly, No!, for the year’s supply of Nightmare Fuel. [The Corner] Read more on Jonah ‘K-Lo’ Goldberg Having LA Affair With Itself?…