Tag Archives: justice

 

Gonzales’ Whiny Speech to DoJ Employees

As Attorney General Gonzales faces increasingly shrill cries for his resignation, and now threats of impeachment, perhaps we ought to take a minute to hear from the man himself. A week and a half ago, he addressed Department of Justice employees via “J TV,” DoJ’s internal tv station, to assure them that he will never, ever, ever leave them, and that he’s fuckin’ innocent. A Justice Employee sent us the speech this weekend, and it’s an entertaining little document of self-delusion. Read more on Gonzales’ Whiny Speech to DoJ Employees…
 

DoJ Protecting Your Right to Love God, Hate Gays

The Department of Justice has adopted a hilarious new interpretation of “Civil Rights” which has critics criticizing with rage. “Civil Rights” now means “the right of organizations to discriminate as much as they want as long as they do it in the name of the lord our god.” And also going after human trafficking instead of hate crimes, because Justice is a zero sum game. Read more on DoJ Protecting Your Right to Love God, Hate Gays…
 

Monica Goodling Brings Down the House

And what did we learn from Monica Goodling’s testimony before Congress today? * The Justice Department former White House Liason admitted that the Justice Department various bad things we all know they did. * She then accidentally admitted that Alberto Gonzales lied in his testimony.. * McNulty lied too. * Alberto Gonzales still has the support of George W. Bush and James Sensenbrenner. * She was way cuter before. * To be hired by the Justice Department, you need to prove your conservative bona fides. To ensure immunity from prosecution once you resign in disgrace, though, you need only demonstrate a willingness to blame everything on a different top former DoJ official. Read more on Monica Goodling Brings Down the House…
 

Gonzo to Not Care About No Confidence Vote

Now that Paul Wolfowitz has finally lost the secret game of Resignation Chicken between him and Alberto Gonzales, the Attorney General can pretty much feel free to resign whenever he likes. Al being a stubborn and fairly stupid sort, though, he will probably want to rub his victory in Paul’s face by waiting for an actual real-life “vote of no confidence.” Read more on Gonzo to Not Care About No Confidence Vote…
 

Senate Soooo Mad at Gonzo

We tried to get a screencap of Schumer or Feinstein talking about Gonzales from CNN’s Pipeline thing but by the time we got it loaded up they’d finished. So here is a turtle fighting a cat. Read more on Senate Soooo Mad at Gonzo…
 

Ashcroft Takes Heroic Stand, Seventh Seal Apparently Broken Three Years Ago

In testimony before the Senate yesterday, former deputy Attorney General James B. Comey did the unthinkable: he made us sympathetic to John Ashcroft. Wholda thunk? As Ashcroft lay in an intensive care unit suffering from gallstone pancreatitis, Andrew Card and Alberto Gonzales raced to the hospital to ask him to sign the President’s illegal warrantless wiretapping executive order. Ashcroft apparently thought the program was illegal — who knew that all that time he secretly hated America as much as the Democrats! — and refused, even in his weakened state, to change his mind. Read more on Ashcroft Takes Heroic Stand, Seventh Seal Apparently Broken Three Years Ago…
 

Another Guy Who Isn’t Gonzo Quit

A deputy Attorney General announced he’s stepping down today, as Alberto Gonzales continued to sit in his office all day cackling and lighting cigars with letters of resignation. Paul McNulty, who we think was also Philip Marlowe’s incompetent cop friend, is quitting the Justice Department to… wait, we don’t really understand his reason at all. Read more on Another Guy Who Isn’t Gonzo Quit…
 

SCOOTER LIBBY: INNOCENT

…of one charge. That would be the false Statement to the FBI about his chat with Matt Cooper. Totally, 100% innocent. WE KNEW IT ALL ALONG, THIS ENTIRE TRIAL HAS BEEN A FARCE. Read more on SCOOTER LIBBY: INNOCENT…