Tag Archives: justice

  exoticists

Obama Loves Fancy Imports, Such As Dijon Mustard And Terrorists

President Obama, in addition to his many duties as Illegitimate Muslin Overlord of the United States, runs a secret and lucrative sideline business importing the international meat delicacy known as “Guantanamo Bay manflesh.” His first import arrived in New York this week, and John Boehner does not like this one bit. Read more on Obama Loves Fancy Imports, Such As Dijon Mustard And Terrorists…
  national embarrassments

Conviction Of Violent Creep O.J. Simpson Advances The Cause Of Racial Justice

O.J. Simpson did exactly two admirable things in his life: he played football well, and he was in The Towering Inferno. Besides that he was a completely unhinged wife-beating and likely double-homiciding egomaniacal lunatic with impulse-control problems. If you are the LA Times’ resident turdburglar Jonah Goldberg, you look at O.J. Simpson’s depressing, shameful, and entirely predictable decline — culminating in his recent prison sentence for armed robbery — and say, “Hmm, what does this have to do with that other black gentleman I have heard of, Barack Obama?” Read more on Conviction Of Violent Creep O.J. Simpson Advances The Cause Of Racial Justice…
  uncle ted's expensive cabin

Brave Alaskans Liveblog Ted Stevens’ Trial So We Don’t Have To!

Uncle Ted Stevens, the elderly fraud who “gets hysterical when he has to spend his own money,” will soon be going to trial for various lies related to the renovation of his Alaskan Sex Cabin in the wilds of Girdwood. The good people of the Alaska Wilderness Political Fund will be liveblogging the whole agonizing ordeal, from jury selection to the part where Ted Stevens snaps on the witness stand and declares “This whole court’s out of order!” and gets wheeled off for shock treatments while his Inuit pal throws a marble wash station out the window. Catch it all here. [A Bridge to Justice] Read more on Brave Alaskans Liveblog Ted Stevens’ Trial So We Don’t Have To!…
  and justice for all

WE ARE TOO BUSY COVERING THE LATEST SEX SCANDAL IN WASHINGTON TO KNOW ABOUT BLOGS VS. THE ASSOCIATED PRESS: The AP wanted a blog to not quote the AP, which is lame and anti-legal and whatever, so then the Justice League of Bloggers held a secret meeting in the AP’s underground lair, in space, and now our former corporate overlords at Gawker are being accused of being “some kid” for not giving respect knuckles to the invisible blogger alliance of justice, because of the “latest sex scandal in Washington.” [Gawker] Read more on …
 

Spitzer Still Free, But Hooker Booker Faces 25 Years

Even though Eliot Spitzer was a frequent client of illegal prostitution companies — which he spent all his time trying to shut down, when he wasn’t actually using the hooker services — and even though he transported Kristen-Ashley (and probably many others) across state lines for white slavery sex acts, there are still no charges filed against him. But a woman who answered the phone and arranged the meetings between the prostitutes and their customers? She faces up to a quarter century in federal prison. [Reuters] Read more on Spitzer Still Free, But Hooker Booker Faces 25 Years…
 

Scalia Tells Haters To Get Over Bush v. Gore

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia would like all you Sad Sallies who are still sore over the 2000 election (which he personally decided, on a bet) to hike up your panties and get over it. “That was like so ten minutes ago,” he tells 60 Minutes‘ Leslie Stahl in an interview to be aired this weekend. Scalia explains that he is great friends with Ruth Bader Ginsburg and other known liberals whom he has had the graciousness not to murder or even jail in their many years on the Supreme Court. And then he lets loose with a shocking revelation! Read more on Scalia Tells Haters To Get Over Bush v. Gore…
 

Gonzales’ Whiny Speech to DoJ Employees

As Attorney General Gonzales faces increasingly shrill cries for his resignation, and now threats of impeachment, perhaps we ought to take a minute to hear from the man himself. A week and a half ago, he addressed Department of Justice employees via “J TV,” DoJ’s internal tv station, to assure them that he will never, ever, ever leave them, and that he’s fuckin’ innocent. A Justice Employee sent us the speech this weekend, and it’s an entertaining little document of self-delusion. Read more on Gonzales’ Whiny Speech to DoJ Employees…
 

DoJ Protecting Your Right to Love God, Hate Gays

The Department of Justice has adopted a hilarious new interpretation of “Civil Rights” which has critics criticizing with rage. “Civil Rights” now means “the right of organizations to discriminate as much as they want as long as they do it in the name of the lord our god.” And also going after human trafficking instead of hate crimes, because Justice is a zero sum game. Read more on DoJ Protecting Your Right to Love God, Hate Gays…
 

Monica Goodling Brings Down the House

And what did we learn from Monica Goodling’s testimony before Congress today? * The Justice Department former White House Liason admitted that the Justice Department various bad things we all know they did. * She then accidentally admitted that Alberto Gonzales lied in his testimony.. * McNulty lied too. * Alberto Gonzales still has the support of George W. Bush and James Sensenbrenner. * She was way cuter before. * To be hired by the Justice Department, you need to prove your conservative bona fides. To ensure immunity from prosecution once you resign in disgrace, though, you need only demonstrate a willingness to blame everything on a different top former DoJ official. Read more on Monica Goodling Brings Down the House…
 

Gonzo to Not Care About No Confidence Vote

Now that Paul Wolfowitz has finally lost the secret game of Resignation Chicken between him and Alberto Gonzales, the Attorney General can pretty much feel free to resign whenever he likes. Al being a stubborn and fairly stupid sort, though, he will probably want to rub his victory in Paul’s face by waiting for an actual real-life “vote of no confidence.” Read more on Gonzo to Not Care About No Confidence Vote…
 

Senate Soooo Mad at Gonzo

We tried to get a screencap of Schumer or Feinstein talking about Gonzales from CNN’s Pipeline thing but by the time we got it loaded up they’d finished. So here is a turtle fighting a cat. Read more on Senate Soooo Mad at Gonzo…
 

Ashcroft Takes Heroic Stand, Seventh Seal Apparently Broken Three Years Ago

In testimony before the Senate yesterday, former deputy Attorney General James B. Comey did the unthinkable: he made us sympathetic to John Ashcroft. Wholda thunk? As Ashcroft lay in an intensive care unit suffering from gallstone pancreatitis, Andrew Card and Alberto Gonzales raced to the hospital to ask him to sign the President’s illegal warrantless wiretapping executive order. Ashcroft apparently thought the program was illegal — who knew that all that time he secretly hated America as much as the Democrats! — and refused, even in his weakened state, to change his mind. Read more on Ashcroft Takes Heroic Stand, Seventh Seal Apparently Broken Three Years Ago…
 

Another Guy Who Isn’t Gonzo Quit

A deputy Attorney General announced he’s stepping down today, as Alberto Gonzales continued to sit in his office all day cackling and lighting cigars with letters of resignation. Paul McNulty, who we think was also Philip Marlowe’s incompetent cop friend, is quitting the Justice Department to… wait, we don’t really understand his reason at all. Read more on Another Guy Who Isn’t Gonzo Quit…
 

SCOOTER LIBBY: INNOCENT

…of one charge. That would be the false Statement to the FBI about his chat with Matt Cooper. Totally, 100% innocent. WE KNEW IT ALL ALONG, THIS ENTIRE TRIAL HAS BEEN A FARCE. Read more on SCOOTER LIBBY: INNOCENT…