Former United States Attorney General Alberto Gonzales makes the perfect Vice Person of the Year, because he’ll always be someone’s bitch. His subservience to Bush presented itself through various Senate hearings, where even the most tabloidy of questions would spin him into the “I do not recall” zone. Did you authorize the firings of eight US Attorneys because they weren’t prosecuting the Demrats enough? I do not recall. Did you run to John Ashcroft’s bed that time to force his morphined ass into authorizing torturey goodness? I do not recall. Do you know that if you say “I do not recall” one more time, I’ll arbitrarily call you gay and make fun of you for being gay? I… do not recall. Haha, Alberto Gonzales is gay, he likes to kiss boys and stuff, don’t you Alberto? I do not recall.
At least that’s the best I can recall.
Tags: alberto gonzales, bitches, george w. bush, hearings, justice department, senate, vice person of the year, year end stuff
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After the House ethics committee held an embarrassing hearing earlier this month into whether baseball’s Roger Clemens took steroids at Jose Conseco’s house, once, the Justice Department may now get its turn. Congress has “asked the Justice Department to investigate whether Roger Clemens ‘committed perjury and made knowingly false statements’” to the ethics committee. Did it take him 30 minutes to drive from the golf course to Jose Conseco’s house instead of 20, which Clemens claimed? If it takes a tax hike to figure this out, the American people will gladly accept it. [
The Department of Justice announced today that it is charging evil Chinese spies — one of whom is American, like Jesus — with giving secrets to the evil Red China mainland. Being a Bush administration Department, however, they manage to find the silver lining in this press conference: it’s because our economy is so Free! See, the liberals would red-tape the secret-swapping market to death, and that’s why you should vote for Alan Keyes. [
The Times urges us all not to be fooled. Mukasey may seem moderate but he loves the Patriot Act, detaining Muslims, and Claus von Bulow. And he’s backing Rudy for Prez. So before you get all happy with Mr. Nice New Attorney General ‘Won’t Thow Me in GItmo Forever’ keep in mind that he will still be Mr. Attorney General ‘Tapping All My Phones Without a Warrant.’ 
Meet our new Attorney General, Michael Mukasey — he is qualified because he presided over “The Case of The Blind Sheik,” which sounds totally awesome. It’s like an Arthur Conan Doyle story! Anyway he’s a 9/11 hero and hey, the Democrats will confirm him, so Bush is on tv right now looking totally pissy because he didn’t get to nominate Ted Olson like he wanted to. So Bush has now given up talking about Mukasey and is just talking about how much he loves Alberto Gonzales, “dear friend and trusted adviser.” He’s gonna miss Al. Quick little intro there! To recap: 
Hey guys, another high-level Justice Department official quit yesterday! An Operative sent us the resignation email. We know nothing about this Regina Schofield woman except that she was the “Assistant Attorney General for the Office of Justice Programs,” which means she was a corrupt hack, probably. Hell, Gonzo said she 
Could it be — did Alberto Gonzales… lie? America’s Beloved Attorney General… a perjurer? The Justice Department’s Inspector General is investigating, and as part of that investigation they’ve sent out a handy “are you a political hack” questionnaire to hundreds of Justice employees. The Post has the .pfd — and you can fill it out at home!