Tag Archives: justice department

  here's the church here's the steeple open the doors and see all the oy vey

Ted Cruz Will Save Jew Churches From The Homosexuals

King of the Jews
Hey Jewish people, how was your weekend? Did you go to Jew Church and get very upset because you don’t want President Obama to force your Jew Church to do gay weddings? OBVIOUSLY YOU DID. But don’t worry anymore, because when he is president, Ted Cruz will shut all that down and your Jew Church will be safe forever, PRAISE JESUS! Cruz explained his worries to fellow sane person Glenn Beck last Thursday: Read more on Ted Cruz Will Save Jew Churches From The Homosexuals…
  SWAT On The Wrist

Justice Department: Maybe Police Treating Ferguson Like Fallujah Was A Bad Idea

A bit like the end of Close Encounters, only with tear gas.
A draft Justice Department report on the police response to demonstrations in Ferguson, Missouri, last summer finds — and we hope you’re sitting down here — that the heavily armed police were heavy-handed in their tactics, poorly coordinated, and tended to make tensions between police and protesters worse. Who’d have guessed? Read more on Justice Department: Maybe Police Treating Ferguson Like Fallujah Was A Bad Idea…
  Won't Someone Think Of The Soccer Moms?

Head Foot-The-Ball Guy Resigns In Huge FIFA Scandal We All Care About Very Much

Art swiped shamelessly from the incomparable Bill Griffith. OK, with some shame.
Wow, have you been following the incredibly fascinating FIFA scandal as closely as we have? As sports-related fuck-tussles go, it’s like the Chicago Black Sox times DeflateGate plus BENGHAZI! It’s all about corruption and bribery in the governing body for soccer, or “real football,” which is a sport that the rest of the world has had wars over, and which Americans grudgingly haul their children to practice for in minivans, until they decide soccer is uncool and they’d rather spend all their time playing videogames and masturbating. Anyway, last week the U.S. Justice Department, in cooperation with Swiss authorities, arrested and indicted a whole bunch of FIFA officials on big-time corruption charges. And now, because the ongoing investigation has begun to maybe implicate FIFA’s president, Sepp Blatter, we learned Tuesday that Sepp Blatter is resigning as president of FIFA, which means we won’t have Sepp Blatter to kick around anymore, which is sad considering that kids in poor third-world slums actually play soccer by kicking around an inflated sepp bladder. It’s all they have. Read more on Head Foot-The-Ball Guy Resigns In Huge FIFA Scandal We All Care About Very Much…
  Promise to never do it again

Too Big To Fail Banks Sorry For Scheming To Steal All The Money In The World

While you're down there...
In a story so shocking it’s not shocking at all, news comes today that six of the too-biggest-to-failiest banks in the entire world worked together in secret to control currency prices, for SIX YEARS, and thus enriched themselves in the process. And now they have to pay $5.8 billion in fines, because they are guilty guilty GUILTY. No, really, act surprised: Read more on Too Big To Fail Banks Sorry For Scheming To Steal All The Money In The World…
  Nice time! Kind of!

Hurray, Montana Says Cops Can’t Steal All Your Sh*t And Sell It For Cash Anymore!

Ooh nice squad car, where'd ya get it???
Civil asset forfeiture laws around the country are fucking terrible. You know, those laws that say the cops can take your car, your money, and anything else you own, just because they THINK it might could have been used in a crime, even if you haven’t actually been convicted of that crime. Then they sell it and they get to keep all the sweet, sweet profits, to use for whatever the department wants or needs or happens to see on sale at the Big Lots. Yeah, THOSE laws. But, there is a light at the end of the asset-seizing tunnel, at least in Montana, because the nice Democratic governor up there, Steve Bullock, has signed a law, HB 463, that says you can’t be doing all that shit anymore: Read more on Hurray, Montana Says Cops Can’t Steal All Your Sh*t And Sell It For Cash Anymore!…
  That There's Some Bullshit

Wyoming Won’t Have You Going Around Taking Pictures Of Their Cow Sh*t Infested E. Coli Rivers

OK, sure, this photo is from New Jersey. But it's cows in a stream. There's your disclaimer. Freakin' PolitiFact.
Congratulations, Wyoming! You just passed what may be the dumbest anti-science law of the year, and that’s saying something, just considering that Texas and Florida are still states (at least until Texas is neutralized by Jade Helm). Just how odious is Wyoming’s new dumb law? Basically, it makes it illegal for any private citizen to collect water samples (or take photographs) on any “open land” for the nefarious purpose of giving data to a state or federal regulatory agency. Excuse us, please, but WUT? Read more on Wyoming Won’t Have You Going Around Taking Pictures Of Their Cow Sh*t Infested E. Coli Rivers…
  Maybe there IS somethin' to see here

Justice Department Looking Into Why Baltimore Police Department Is So F*cked Up

She'd like a word with you, Baltimore
Our new (finally) Attorney General Loretta Lynch has been on the job for all of five seconds, but she’s already making it clear she will carry out Eric Holder’s secret plan to reverse-racism race war America. Lynch announced on Friday that the Department of Justice’s Civil Rights Division is opening an investigation into the Baltimore Police Department, because Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake asked her to (or maybe the secret race war thing): Read more on Justice Department Looking Into Why Baltimore Police Department Is So F*cked Up…
  Won't someone think of the scandals?

Idiot Texas Rep Calls For Department Of Clinton Investigatin’, To Investigate The Clintons

Look at 'em schemin'
Whew! We were concerned there for a moment that Congress wasn’t going to bother looking into the the latest SCANDALOUS SCANDAL about Billary Clinton, since the media (except for the New York Times, the Washington Post, Fox, every single news network, and your grandma’s blogspot) have ignored it, but Texas Republican Rep. Ted Poe assures us that, nope, Congress is ON that mofo for sure. Read more on Idiot Texas Rep Calls For Department Of Clinton Investigatin’, To Investigate The Clintons…
  Assholes on Parade

People Are Finally Going To Jail For Iraq War Crimes. No, Really!

Four Blackwater mercenaries were sentenced Monday for the 2007 massacre of 17 unarmed Iraqi civilians in Nisour Square, with three of the thugs getting 30-year sentences and their leader getting a full life in prison, which as of today makes them the only people to have gone to jail for the clusterfuck of horror that was the Iraq War. Small victory? It might have seemed like a slam dunk case for just about anyone who has ever even heard of the word “murder,” but would you like to learn all about how the Bush administration tried their absolute hardest to fuck it all up? Let’s Wonksplore. Read more on People Are Finally Going To Jail For Iraq War Crimes. No, Really!…
  A New Jersey Politician In A Corruption Scandal? Mercy!

NJ Sen. Robert Menendez Indicted; Sorry, Daily Caller, No Fake Underaged Hookers This Time

You're looking especially Muppetlike today, Senator
Sen. Robert Menendez (D-New Jersey) has been indicted on corruption charges by the Justice Department in a bribery scandal that Yr Wonkette would never even cover if the guy had been a Democrat. He’s accused of receiving campaign contributions and a lot of fancy la-dee-da travel on private jets and vacations in the Dominican Republic in exchange for doing political favors for Salomon Melgen, a Florida eye doctor whom Menendez insists is just a really good friend who he enjoyed hanging out with and occasionally tossing the occasional port security contract, as friends do. Read more on NJ Sen. Robert Menendez Indicted; Sorry, Daily Caller, No Fake Underaged Hookers This Time…
  Won't Someone PLEASE Think of George Zimmerman?

George Zimmerman: God Made Me Do It

Screengrabs are fair use, right? Yeah, pretty sure they are. We can always add a pony so it's parody.
Now that the Justice Department has declared George Zimmerman a swell human being who merely shot and killed Trayvon Martin but didn’t violate his civil rights, Mr. Zimmerman sat down for a spontaneous, not-at-all scripted-sounding interview with his divorce lawyer, Howard Iken, who apparently doesn’t just do divorces, but is also branching out into journalism. Watch out, Terry Gross, Howard Iken is gunning for your time slot! We’d embed the video, but that is Not Allowed; you can view the whole abomination here. Read more on George Zimmerman: God Made Me Do It…
  Billo's Seen Cops Shot Too

Oh, NOW Bill O’Reilly Thinks Irresponsible Words Can Inspire Violence

Call him irresponsible...and he will DESTROY YOU.
Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Bill O’Reilly would just like to see a little more responsibility on the part of the media in how they cover sensitive issues, because as he’s recently discovered, language can have consequences! In a piece on the shootings of two police officers in Ferguson early Thursday morning, O’Reilly explained the link between violent words and violent deeds: “As we saw here in New York City, inflammatory rhetoric can get police officers killed.” You know, violent rhetoric like telling your black son that he needs to be extra careful around the police, or saying that police shouldn’t be shooting black people quite so often. Read more on Oh, NOW Bill O’Reilly Thinks Irresponsible Words Can Inspire Violence…
  Maybe More Guns Would Help?

Fox News: Eric Holder Really Should NOT Have Shot Those Cops In Ferguson!

The other chyron for the story: 'Street Justice: Police officers shot in wake of DOJ Report'
While two police officers were still hospitalized after being shot in Ferguson, Missouri, early Thursday morning (they have since been released), and police have no suspects, Fox News and other rightwing sources have identified the true culprits: Attorney General Eric Holder and everyone who’s ever protested against police brutality. Read more on Fox News: Eric Holder Really Should NOT Have Shot Those Cops In Ferguson!…
  don't let the door etc.

Just About Every White Person In Ferguson Resigning For Being A Racist Disgrace

A bit like the end of Close Encounters, only with tear gas.
The fallout continues in the city of Ferguson, Missouri, following the Justice Department’s report on how the city pretty much ran its police force as a revenue-collection operation aimed at transferring money from black citizens to the city’s general fund. On Wednesday, Chief of Police Thomas Jackson announced, “with profound sadness,” that he is resigning, effective March 19. Read more on Just About Every White Person In Ferguson Resigning For Being A Racist Disgrace…
  Not even poetic justice

Scumbag Deadbeat Ferguson Judge Resigns To Spend More Time Not Paying His Taxes

The face of shame
Ronald J. Brockmeyer is the municipal judge in Ferguson, Missouri, who up until about five minutes ago had the nasty habit of tossing the local non-white poors in debtors’ prison for failing to pay their traffic tickets and other minor fees and fines, while, gosh, he was busy fixing his own traffic tickets for himself and his buddies. As one does if one is an actual scumbag, which the Justice Department’s report revealed Brockmeyer indeed is. And not just a scumbag, but a deadbeat scumbag who currently owes more than $170,000 in back taxes, like some kind of guy who doesn’t pay his debts and would probably get himself tossed in jail if he had the misfortune of appearing before a jerk-faced judge like, say, Ronald J. Brockmeyer. Read more on Scumbag Deadbeat Ferguson Judge Resigns To Spend More Time Not Paying His Taxes…
  department of "welp"

Justice Department Has Some Thoughts On The Ferguson P.D.

Sorry, dude.
On Wednesday, the Justice Department released two reports related to last summer’s events in Ferguson, Missouri. One report dealt with Officer Darren Wilson’s shooting of Michael Brown. The other dealt with the city of Ferguson being run by a bunch of racist shitheels who used the mostly black and impoverished civilian population as a perpetual revenue-generating machine instead of treating them like human beings. Guess which report the wingnutgentsia seems most interested in! Read more on Justice Department Has Some Thoughts On The Ferguson P.D….