The research goblins over at TPM and the New York Times are busy at work devouring thousands of pages of newly released documents regarding the US attorney firing scandal. At an undetermined point in the future, these specially evolved goblins will excrete a powdery white substance and several pages of “analysis,” or at least a few juicy quotes from Karl Rove about how he is guilty of unspeakable crimes against David Iglesias, the US attorney in New Mexico who was fired “for poor performance” (meaning, because he did not aggressively pursue Republican allegations of voter fraud). MORE »

Former Bush White House counsel and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales — whose great political achievements include conspiring with John Yoo to destroy the U.S. Constitution with MEMOS, chasing down then-AG John Ashcroft in the hospital to get him to authorize illegal domestic warrantless wiretapping programs while he was hopped up on anesthetics, and firing tons of U.S. Attorneys for not prosecuting enough Democrats during election years — has been hired to teach college students about government. This is definitely not what Thomas Jefferson & Ben Franklin had in mind when they founded Texas Tech University. [Austin American-Statesman]

• FUCK OFF AND DIE: Ahh, looks like our old friends still care deeply about the integrity of the Justice Department: “Former Bush administration officials are lobbying behind the scenes to push Justice Department leaders to water down an ethics report criticizing lawyers who blessed harsh detainee interrogation tactics, according to two sources familiar with the efforts. In recent days, attorneys for the subjects of the ethics probe have encouraged senior Bush administration appointees to write and phone Justice Department officials, said the sources, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the process is not complete.” [Washington Post]

It may be your lucky day, libtards! All you want are DoJ torture memos, uncut, NO REDAX, and now look at the breaking news: “In the fullest account to date of the questioning of al Qaeda suspects, government officials issued long sought documents that catalogue a list of tactics — from sleep and food deprivation to beatings — that Bush lawyers said comported with the law. The memos, which date to 2002, contain few redactions, despite a fierce battle within the Obama administration about the benefits of releasing the information.” TOUCHE, Obama… but rest assured that the very serious and important and serious news blogger Glenn Greenwald is furiously highlighting right now and will soon determine how much you care about so-called “legal statutes.” [WP]

• TED STEVENS IS FREE: Everyone’s favorite white-guilt-inducer, Attorney General Eric Holder, has decided to drop all charges against mean old Ted Stevens, because why not. The Justice Department prosecution team apparently didn’t present all the evidence it had, and it was mean to witnesses. They are all being investigated. ET CETERA. [NPR]

Barry Obama’s pick for Deputy Attorney General, David Ogden, apparently “coasted” through his Senate hearing today, which is great news…for John McCain! FOR PORNOGRAPHERS. You see, Ogden’s appointment has come under much wingnut scrutiny in the last several days because Ogden (bless his soul) has served as a successful lawyer for Big Porn, including Playboy and, uh, The Internet Porn Company. He even secured the right of blind people to masturbate to braille-porn (”The Second Amendment”). MORE »

• SENATE CONFIRMS HOLDER IN HISTORIC HISTORY VOTE: The Senate voted 75-21 tonight to confirm Establishment Washington lawyer Eric Holder as “the new Alberto Gonzales.” Eric Holder is black, making him the first Marc-Rich-Pardon-Clearing Attorney General in American history. Let’s celebrate by waterboarding Michael Mukasey! [Washington Post]

• THEY’RE MORE LIKE ‘GUIDELINES’: Attorney General Michael Mukasey announced today that former Justice Department officials like Monica Goodling will not face prosecution for hiring D.O.J. staffers based explicitly on their political views — i.e. how many awesome things they could say about Alberto Gonzalez in 20-second lightning round interviews. Mukasey’s statement came replete with a classic Bush Administration sound bite: “not every wrong, or even every violation of the law, is a crime.” Ha ha, the top legal official in the country just said that “violation of the law” and “crime” are different. [AP]

After the House ethics committee held an embarrassing hearing earlier this month into whether baseball’s Roger Clemens took steroids at Jose Conseco’s house, once, the Justice Department may now get its turn. Congress has “asked the Justice Department to investigate whether Roger Clemens ‘committed perjury and made knowingly false statements’” to the ethics committee. Did it take him 30 minutes to drive from the golf course to Jose Conseco’s house instead of 20, which Clemens claimed? If it takes a tax hike to figure this out, the American people will gladly accept it. [MSNBC]

The Department of Justice announced today that it is charging evil Chinese spies — one of whom is American, like Jesus — with giving secrets to the evil Red China mainland. Being a Bush administration Department, however, they manage to find the silver lining in this press conference: it’s because our economy is so Free! See, the liberals would red-tape the secret-swapping market to death, and that’s why you should vote for Alan Keyes. [AP/Google]

Former United States Attorney General Alberto Gonzales makes the perfect Vice Person of the Year, because he’ll always be someone’s bitch. His subservience to Bush presented itself through various Senate hearings, where even the most tabloidy of questions would spin him into the “I do not recall” zone. Did you authorize the firings of eight US Attorneys because they weren’t prosecuting the Demrats enough? I do not recall. Did you run to John Ashcroft’s bed that time to force his morphined ass into authorizing torturey goodness? I do not recall. Do you know that if you say “I do not recall” one more time, I’ll arbitrarily call you gay and make fun of you for being gay? I… do not recall. Haha, Alberto Gonzales is gay, he likes to kiss boys and stuff, don’t you Alberto? I do not recall.

At least that’s the best I can recall.