Wonkette

A week ago today, we bitterly presented the World’s Worst Wonk’d. The “D.C. celebrity sightings” consisted of George Will buying another fucking book at Borders, and a fireman who had once been on local teevee. We demanded that you people get it together, and you got it together! Huzzah for Wonkette Operatives! This week, Fred Thompson, Robert Mueller, Tom Ridge, Juan Williams, Marion Barry, Ben Bernanke, Ken Mehlman, Robert Novak, Dana Milbank, Mark Warner, and David Frum were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. The most voyeuristic fun ever in Wonkette’s Five Long Years of History, after the jump. MORE »

• The Warped Tour still exists, now includes Joan Jett. Hurry your ass up ’cause it started at 11AM. From $29.75 at Nissan Pavilion at Stone Ridge. [Ticketmaster]
• Melissa Etheridge. 8PM. $35-$100 at Constitution Hall. [also Ticketmaster]
• “Playful Purity–Klee and the Art of Children” at the Phillips Collection. Paul Klee deeply loved children. 6&7PM. [The Phillips Collection]
• Juan Williams has a book called Enough. “He’s picking up where Bill Cosby left off and taking on ‘phony leaders, dead-end movements, and the culture of failure’ that is holding black Americans back. He deals with everyone from big-city mayors to the civil-rights establishment to rap musicians in his incisive call for change.’” [P&P]

Having finally recovered from Prom, Chatology returned to her perch on the couch to sit through 3.5 hours of bone-grindingly obvious talking points. We’re used to butt-punishing workouts, but this is not our favorite among them. That said, a surprisingly sexy Sunday morning. ALSO: Can’t get enough of that wacky Bush impressionist? We can.

Top Topics:
• Michael Hayden, spook or just creep? Rep. Pete Hoekstra makes news by negation: Hayden “is the wrong man at the wrong place at the wrong time.” McCain is more loving.
• ‘06 sickness/Congressional “culture of corruption,” with Republicans showing Reaganesque — which is to say, delusional — optimism.
• Goss’s departure: Not did he jump or was he pushed but rather, “Pushed, shoved, or run over with a truck and stomped on the face?”

Quotes to live by:
• Saxby Chambliss on Hayden: He is “just a class individual” (as someone who questioned the patriotism of a paraplegic, he knows class!)
• George Stephanopolous makes right wing bias hunters’ heads explode: “That was not one of the top four pieces of legislation that Speaker Pelosi…ah, I don’t know why I have that stuck in my head today…”
• Chris Wallace masters the obvious: “I don’t have to tell you, you are the chairman of the intelligence committee.”
• George Will teases the Kennedy story: “One reason this story touched all of this city’s erogenous zones…”
• Bill Kristol looks on the bright side: “I’m looking forward to getting more sex into this scandal.”
• David Brooks auditions to be Maureen Dowd: “This has more layers than a Tom Clancy novel.”

Your full-on weekend chat soup after the jump.

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Last night Fox celebrated the birth, ten years ago, of “Fox News Sunday,” with a star-choked alcohol-soaked party at Cafe Milano. And Wonkette Emerita Ana Marie Cox was there. Her exclusive party report, replete with celebrity encounters, the booze-aided dispensation of social niceties, and a subtly threatening Karl Rove (who “knows” us, if you know what he means), all provided free of charge, after the jump.

(Picture by Patrick Gavin/FishbowlDC)

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This Sunday’s shows undertook a major military operation. Between the anniversary of the invasion of Iraq and “Operation Swarmer,” talking heads all but saluted. Russ Feingold managed to grab some of the spotlight, and his motion to censure President Bush gave Bill Kristol another chance to rock Chris Wallace’s world: Feingold “is smarter than the Democratic congressional leadership” and “deserves credit for taking a principled stand, and I honestly think he’s winning this debate.” That sound you heard is Nancy Pelosi’s head exploding. Dick Cheney did “Face the Nation” but did not make much news beyond the world’s most awesome Freudian slip: “Most of my predecessors spent a good part of their time as President–Vice President running for President.

Also, debuting this week on ABCNews.com was “The Green Room,” a brave attempt to wring every possible bit of hot air from the “This Week” panel while they stand around uncomfortably after the show wraps in the nondescript, motel-ish decor of ABC’s DeSale St. digs. Personally, I have always found pre-show green room chatter more interesting (everyone’s trying out their lines) and the whole thing strikes me as an empty attempt to show us another side of people who are basically one-dimensional, but I applaud this Taylorite approach to news content and hope that less practiced pundits do something stupid and/or inspired backstage in the future.

Top topics: Iraq, Feingold’s censure motion and by extension the NSA wiretap program.

One-hit wonders: Boston College’s Sweet Sixteen chances (”Meet the Press”); Joey Cheek, humanitarian (”This Week”); Mark McClellan, TREKKIE (”Fox News Sunday”)

Quotes to live by:
• Dick Cheney admits that shooting someone in the face is “one of those situations that’s difficult, that generates controversy.”
• Chris Wallace, SUPER GENIUS: “It seems to me that the Senators who are most critical of [the NSA wiretapping] program are the ones who know the least about it.”
• George Will lays it out: “We need to define victory down.”
• Sam Donaldson is totally high: “Russ Feingold threw the long ball… but it might connect, as the Washington Redskins learned in the mid-70s.”

Also, Shorter Chris Matthews Show: David Gregory observed that “George Bush is the George Clooney of Washington… but that’s a little bit of a patina.” Wha?

Full rundown appears after the jump.

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This week’s Sunday shows were best viewed with 20/20 hindsight.

Top topics: Dubai ports deal (dead) and the Southern Republican Leadership Conference straw poll (meaningless). This was leavened with some talk of Iraq and a single, lonely reference to Saturday’s Gridiron show.

Quotes to live by:
• Chris Wallaces curses us out: “Do the Democrats have — pardon the expression — a Newt Gingrich?”
• Bill Kristol also has the first Arctic Monkeys seven-inch: “I liked McCain before it was cool for conservatives to like McCain.”
• Everyone (except surprise mystery guest Joe Biden) avoids saying they’re running for President, though Huckabee does announce for 2016.
• Hospice-bound Art Buchwald stays wry: “I believe in God, but I’m not too certain that the people who are telling me that ‘it’s God’s will’ are the people I want to be listening to.”

Full rundown after the jump.

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Editors’ note: Don’t miss Ana Marie Cox’s Washington Post live chat, starting today at 11:30 AM. You can access it here, where you can also find a link for submitting questions to the Original Wonkette about BlackBerry disaster averted. Happy chatting!

Chatology this week slightly enlivened by the appearance of Stephen Colbert, though it was offset by Chairman of Joint Chiefs Peter Pace doing a half-Ginsburg; he has the kind of whispery monotone that made us fall asleep during filmstrips in health class. Most notable segment: Bill Kristol channeling Arianna Huffington in his disappointment in the administration, causing massive freakout on the Fox set and Chris Wallace to utter the Quote of the Week: “My whole universe has been rocked.”

Top topics: Potential (or ongoing?) civil war in Iraq; Katrina tapes; Dubai port deal.

One hit wonders: Two hits for the criminal investigation into Pat Tillman’s death (MTP and FNS); Oscar talk on “This Week”

Quotes to live by:
• Stephen Colbert on his Oscar expectation: “a lot of jokes [about] abortion… it’s a funny word, like guacamole.”
• Peter Pace moderates his view on Iraq: “I wouldn’t put a great big smiley face on it.”
• Juan Williams on DHS/FEMA infighting: “I’m going to put that off to two big boys having something in the back yard.” Well, someone saw “Brokeback Mountain.”

Full coverage continues after the jump.

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In this edition of Chatology, Department of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff pulls a half-Ginsburg, spinning through both Meet the Press and This Week. On various issues, Chertoff blames Michael Brown, Mary Matalin blames the media, Joe Lieberman blames Chertoff, Evan Bayh blames the Democrats, and David Gregory blames himself. Random wisdom from Ari Fleischer: “You can be right and still be bonkers.” Speaking of which: Cheney is “almost like the wizard dealing with the muggles” — Howard Fineman.

Full rundown and highlights after the jump.

[Ed. note: Don't miss Ana Marie Cox's appearance at the National Press Club, this Wednesday, February 22, at 6:30 PM. For more details, as well as information about how to obtain tickets to this free event, click here.]

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Throughout the day, we’ve delivered celebrity sightings of Bob Novak, that human-animal hybrid; more Supreme Court justices than you can shake a stick at; and the man that everyone’s talking about, Jack Abramoff.

Now we bring you an added bonus: a sighting of a possible future POTUS, Senator John McCain!

Sitting in National, waiting to catch the shuttle flight to NYC, when McCain sits down in front of me. Multiple people keep coming up to him to talk. A woman in her mid 50’s comes up and says, “Why, Senator McCain, you are so much better
looking in person!” McCain says thank you.

As she leaves, I lean in and say, “Senator, I know how hard it is to be so devilishly good looking.” McCain starts cracking up, and I continue by saying, “I’m glad that worked — it was that or a Jack Abramoff
joke!”

The laughing stops; McCain proceeds to raise his paper over his face. I get up and walk away.

Good stuff! And the fun’s not over yet. Go the jump page — click on that pointing finger — for sightings of such boldface names as Susan Collins, Tony Williams, Mark Warner, Karl Rove, Joe Lockhart, Paul Begala, Bill Frist, and many more!

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