• LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JONAH GOLDBERG: Unmockable. Just read it. Holy shit. Holy shit. [Townhall via Whiskey Fire]

• The Weekly Standard used strategically placed ellipses to suggest Joe Klein thinks Iran is “breezy” with freedom, which is patently false. Joe Klein thinks Iran is “overflowing” with buckets of candy corn. Get it right or apologize, Weekly Standard. [Swampland]
• Be it Hamas, Hezbollah, Chavez, Castro, corn syrup, Heinrich Himmler, unibrows or the sinking of the Lusitania — in the battle of Good versus Evil, Barack Obama endorses Evil. Always. [RedState]
• Internet sensations Matthew Yglesias and Ezra Klein are reading Infinite Jest together, and they’re keeping a diary about it. Because the world needs more of those WordPress things. [A Supposedly Fun Blog]
• Henry Paulson and Fareed Zakaria will mate, and they will ask Matt Taibbi to be the child’s godfather. Also: Fareed Zakaria is a ham-head. [Matt Taibbi]
• Jonah Goldberg’s pet snail is dead! “Gary never caused trouble, never talked back, helped keep his tank a cleaner, better place and made everyone smile.” If only Michelle Obama could be a little more like Gary. [The Corner]

According to the new National Review, Sonia Sotomayor’s particular flavor of Mexico is secretly in Asia, where she practices radical Buddhism! Or does the cover art actually go with the top headline, about Jonah Goldberg answering His Critics? Is it simply a photograph of Jonah Goldberg, from the same photoshoot as this? [TPM]

• Jonah Goldberg, the fellow who harnessed the powers of alchemy to transmutate his vomit into a New York Times best-seller, is — surprise surprise — a flaming Trekkie. [The Corner]
• Nazi sympathizer Barack Obama wants to visit Dresden, the capital of East Germany. Fine. But he better not say anything about that time we melted Dresden with giant fireballs from the sky, because we’re not sorry and we’d, like, totally do it again. [Power Line]
• Some lady on the Internet has concluded, “Aspirations for a career, independence, and individuality are in competition with a female’s deep and permanent biological makeup.” The National Organization for Women now will present Congress with a revised Equal Rights Amendment protecting every young wife’s biological right to a Valium prescription. [Right Wing News]
• A certain Burger King in Tennessee knows a thing or two about Global Warming: namely that it is a sack of crap conjured up by the Elders of Zion. [AMERICAblog]
• Speaking at the National Press Club, Bullshitter Dick Cheney opened with an aggressive 9/11 Gambit, at which point black should have played the Logic Defense. Acutely aware of his tactically superior position, Cheney was able to move his pawn up to the eighth rank, where he exchanged it for “THE IRAQ WAR SAVED LIVES.” Checkmate. 1-0. [Think Progress]

Hooray, we made a Jonah Goldberg post on The Corner! Time to break out the sparkling cider HMM? Jonah simply does not care for this website’s devastating investigative “reporting” (got an e-mail, determined the source was credible enough and the content was harmless, posted it as gossip — JUST LIKE B. WOODWARD), and says that he DID stand for the President… briefly… barely… shouldn’t even have to stand for that fucking guy… and that the problem was boredom. He went to a black-tie Washington reporters’ banquet but wasn’t expecting to be bored. MORE »

We already know that National Review Internet overlord Kathryn Jean Lopez was none too pleased with the Washington political/media establishment’s behavior at the White House Correspondents Dinner, where Barack Obama and Wanda Sykes refused to praise Rush Limbaugh for keeping America safe these past eight years. But now a deep-undercover Wonkette operative who was sitting a table over from Jonah and K-Lo’s — well within earshot — presents us with a disturbing report of how the two “were insufferable all night long,” and should never be allowed in public again. MORE »

“Weird news,” indeed. Christ! Can’t you people keep your foul third-rate romance/low-rent rendezvous off the freakin’ Internet, which really doesn’t need more pornography, and certainly not the kind you two would create. Ugh. Thanks, Sadly, No!, for the year’s supply of Nightmare Fuel. [The Corner]

Yesterday Jonah Goldberg committed the surf ‘n’ turf of Republican sins: (1) he posted something on The Corner on Easter Sunday, so Jesus will probably have to kill him, and (2) what he posted was praise for Barack Obama, the noted communist! Now he is being attacked by some readers and more importantly Rush Limbaugh, who is HUNGWY. MORE »

It has happened — IT! YOU KNOW OF WHAT WE SPEAK. Jonah Goldberg and Kathryn Jean Lopez have officially merged to become the ultimate destructo-bot of carnage and murder and death as foretold by ancient prophecy: The Fat Mexican Secretary. For there is currently a column by “Jonah Goldberg” on National Review called “Big Bedfellows,” and there is also currently a column by “Kathryn Jean Lopez” on Townhall called “Big Bedfellows,” and they’re the same article about how they fuck all the time, maybe. MORE »

A Democratic Hill staffer with a clear “liberal bias” writes to TPM, offering a taste of what we can expect from the Internet in a post-Gregg world: “It’s hard not to think that Gregg’s withdrawal, with the grumbling about the census and the stimulus, was not timed to cause the most damage possible to the Obama administration. Releasing the statement just as Obama took the stage in Peoria was clearly designed to undermine the President’s event. The fact he scheduled a presser only seems to confirm it… MORE »

• Here are the predictions of Igor Panarin, some sort of soothsaying Slavic gypsy, in which China, Mexico, and Canada all go halfsies on a ruined United States. [Gawker]
• How does Bush sleep at night? With Barney, the demonic hallucination-inducing terrier thing. [GQ]
• The Republican National Committee is going rogue! The RNC is holding leadership talent shows without involvement from the actual Republican Party. [CNN Political Ticker]
• The Governor of Oregon would like to institute a “mileage tax” instead of a gas tax, under which drivers would pay for roads based on how much they use them. Jonah Goldberg’s panties are in such a twist over this idea that he will quote Macbeth for no conceivable reason. [The Corner]
• The MSM has declared that Caroline Kennedy is unfit to be a human being, let alone Replacement Hillary, because of the frequency with which she says “you know.” [Politico]