But… maybe try sucking harder? [The Corner]
(Thank you to Wonkette Operative “Ruprick.”)

Ha ha ha ha ha hahha ahah, so good, but wait, where’s the… oh…OHHHH! The story itself is the punchline! And yet, what could the specific comedic mechanism be here? Maybe that it’s silly for the U.N. to do this when America is the richest and freest country in the world so obviously there couldn’t be any problems like this. DUH. More likely, though, Jonah just thinks the term “special rapporteur” is French and gay and made up. But it’s… the term they use? For these positions? Oh Jonah. One time he wrote a book about how American liberals are really Nazis! [The Corner via Gawker]

• What is ‘Max Baucus’? We simply do not know. [Matt Yglesias]
• Today’s RedState lecture: “How Limbaugh’s embodiment of MLK’s dream changed my life.” Please take notes because you’ll be tested on this material at the end of the semester. [RedState]
• How will Jonah Goldberg survive the impending zombie apocalypse?! Hiding in a spider hole at the bottom of Lake Superior might work, but then again, Lake Superior freezes in the winter and zombies can definitely definitely walk on ice and oh no oh no oh no no NO zombies zombies ZOMBIES! [The Corner]
• There are many sappy, vomit-inducing political ads that come and go in these United States, but Gavin Newsom’s takes the vomit cake. [The Caucus]
• Barack Obama grinds with a devastating Latina and then abruptly flees the dance floor because honestly he’s a married man and this is just torture. [Swampland]

• The Jews have excommunicated Matt Yglesias, which means he will no longer receive the weekly newsletter. Also, he has lost his peanut butter-and-jelly challah sandwich privileges. [Matt Yglesias]
• REDSTATE SIREN! Republican Senators are probably folding on health care! Why? For Pete’s sake, they have pocket rockets! [RedState]
• Jonah Goldberg. Born lobotomized? [True/Slant: Michael Roston]
• Ayn Rand is considered one of America’s most influential intellectuals, although almost everyone agrees that she is slightly less important than Star Wars Kid. [Hit & Run]
• Have you pre-ordered your copy of The Case Against Female Suffrage yet? Ha-Ha. We are doomed. [Think Progress]

Jonah Goldberg highlights one of the more controversial stances Irving Kristol took in his lifetime. But now school’s out, and Jonah’s fixin’ to get his chicken-finger-platter on and rent some classic Bruce Willis awesomeness! [Twitter via Instaputz, Blue Gal]

National Review is so fucking weird, Jesus Christ. Here’s their new thing, “National Review Calls Home,” which is like a giant hideous conference call between Jonah Goldberg and rented auxiliary humans Rich Lowry and Mark Steyn—and of course all the National Review subscribers, whom Jonah Goldberg will personally be calling from some sticky-buttoned corded phone somewhere. “During the call Rich, Jonah, and Mark will discuss the hottest issues of the day. You’ll get the opportunity to ask questions, answer surveys, or you can just sit back and enjoy hearing these great pundits and observers make sense of the current political scene.” Jonah Goldberg will actually illegally stalk his readers until they sign up for his fake open-source wingnut radio. [NRO]

• A religious pilgrimage to the sacred “stone dildos” of Freiberg. Starring Matt Yglesias. Rated E for Everyone. [Matt Yglesias]
• Donald Rumsfeld does not care for the ‘Wiki-wakka.’ [Think Progress]
• First Obama was a member of the secretive Muslin Templar. Then he converted to Socialism. Then Ernst Röhm invited him to join the Sturmabteilung. And now Barack Obama is the Burger King. How does Obama find time for so many extra-curricular activities? [RedState]
• Barack Obama Stole My Golf Ball. Obama fan fiction, by Roy Blunt. [Huffington Post]
• Jonah Goldberg made a mixtape, just for you. [The Corner]

How do we know for sure that the secret third half of the Lucianne/Jonah Goldberg conspiracy is not actually K-Lo? Because Joshua actually wrote to Wonkette on Friday night, when we all know perfectly well that Fridays are Jonah and K-Lo’s “Moral Netflix & Fish Sticks Night.” MORE »

Oh ho ho, a secret human, unearthed? We have found the Third Goldberg: Lucianne, Jonah, and now Joshua — who is running for New York City Council representing the Upper West Side! As a Republican, of course, so… yeah. Just a complete waste of time, this campaign. MORE »

• What will “blogger” mean in five years? Will “blogger” still be synonymous with “unemployed,” or will it have other meanings, like “someone who enjoys sex with dead people” or “a derogatory term for homosexuals”? Or both? Find out! In five years. [Matt Yglesias]
• Jonah Goldberg rightly points out that the Secret Service is not at all concerned about wackos tromping around town hall meetings with assault rifles and ammo belts slung over their shoulders. See: Animal Mother. [The Corner]
• It’s happening TODAY! Today, the White House will be graced by both Mama and Papa Clinton. Bill, Hillary, and Barack, in the same room! It’s the Holy Trinity — like David Vitter, an adult diaper, and a strumpet. This is how magic happens, ladies and gentlemen. [The Caucus]
• Justice Scalia gives some wise end-of-life counseling to a whiny death row inmate, who is “actually” innocent: Die. [Think Progress]
• Do you trust Obama’s slum lords? Of course we do, Michelle. With our lives. [Michelle Malkin]

• LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JONAH GOLDBERG: Unmockable. Just read it. Holy shit. Holy shit. [Townhall via Whiskey Fire]