Wonkette

* Chuck Hagel will announce his ‘08 candidacy on Monday. Or he’ll do something else. Or he’ll do nothing. [Political Wire]
* Iranian defense minister defects to U.S. with decades of knowledge of government-backed terror operations, secret hummus recipe. [Passport]
* Scooter’s SCOTUS drinking buddies control whether he’ll have new soap-on-a-rope shower buddies. [Inside Court TV]
* It takes more than just a flat head to get Jon Tester’s hair like that. [The Sleuth]
* Air America knows you’re no one until you failed spectacularly, twice. [MoJo]
* Pete Domenici’s new lawyer feels the same way. [TPM Muckraker]
* They may not be real Mitt Romney supporters, but they play ‘em on the Internet. [techPresident]
* Henry Kissinger uses panel discussions on global poverty to get ass. [Radar]
* Monopolist talks competitiveness with communist congressmen — yay America! [The Swamp]

* Heard on the Hill: Former Jack Kingston spokesman starts media consulting firm, argues that politicians need to be more like Kid Rock… Anonymous wag sends out email from the made-up “House Select Committee on Global Warming, Energy & Happy Feet.” [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: There will be lots of political celebrities in Nancy Pelosi’s box tonight. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: New Rep. Paul Hodes is a kids band with his wife Peggo. The band is called “Peggosus.” … Here comes Henry Waxman’s kid to be a DC lobbyist! [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Drudge overwhelms Senate website… Jon Tester tries to quiet the Senate, shouts “Have order in the House.” … Rep. Don Young: “”I am wearing this red shirt today; it’s the color of the bill that we are debating, communist red.” [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Dem strategist Jack Quinn suffered a concussion after a skiing accident… Rep. Virginia Foxx sponsored a bill honoring Christmas tree sellers, owns a Christmas tree nursery. [The Politico]

Stock up on whisky and bullets, because there’s another Bush speech next week: the State of the Union address. Forgot about that one, did you? MORE »

Nearly every sighting this week comes from the exact same place, several at the exact same time. Wonkette operatives didn’t even need to use their sharp eyes to spot these old men in a barrel. Apparently, Bistro Bis is the be-seen restaurant du jour. Or maybe it was all along — the closest we come to a power lunch is eating a burrito really fast. But John Kerry, John Bolton, Jon Tester , Jim Lehrer, and Steve Kroft have more discriminating palates. You get all of them, and one Senator too busy working on his abs to respect his elders, by indulging your Mecury-in-retrograde-moon-is-in-the-seventh-house fantasies on the other side of the worm hole.

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How do you top the most graceless political loss in recent history? If you’re Crazy Conrad Burns, you emerge in Washington a week later muttering nonsense, making weird threats to Robert Byrd, yelling at reporters and chasing your soon-to-be unemployed staffers up the Capitol Dome like some Phantom of the Opera in an ill-fitting cowboy hat. MORE »

* Republican controlled lame duck final session of the 109th Congress begins today. Only innocuous, non-controversial legislation expected to go through — but the White House is still hoping to push for the authorization of domestic wiretapping and the confirmation of John “Mustache of Fury” Bolton as ambassador to the UN. [NYT, WP]
* Nancy Pelosi supports John Murtha for House majority leader citing his early support for withdrawal from Iraq. [WP, NYT]
* Incoming Senate leadership also beating their out-of-Iraq drums, “We need to begin a phased redeployment of forces from Iraq in four to six months.” [NYT, LAT]
* Newly independent Joe Lieberman, establishing himself as the generic brand alternative on Iraq, says the Democrats’ plan “to pick up an leave” is wrong. [WP]
* California and Nancy Pelosi are all about the pork. [NYT, LAT]
* Everything you never wanted to know about Jon Tester. [NYT]
* George H. W. Bush: “I have some rights of memory in this kingdom, which now to claim my vantage doth invite me.” [Newsweek]

• Pakistani newspaper reports, “Macaca communities in Virginia have taken their sweet revenge.” [Comedy Central Insider]

• It was Robert Gates’ experience exaggerating enemy military strength that landed him the job. [Rising Hegemon]
• Nancy Pelosi really is planning to impeach Bush — and only Malkin knows the truth. [Michelle Malkin]
• Allen tells Webb, “Don’t rearrange the furniture, I’ll be back in 2012.” [MoJo Blog]
• Jon Tester: “I too have dabbled in pacifism.” [Tbogg]
• Republican losses cause Rush Limbaugh to feel “liberated,” meaning he is now free to recycle Clinton era talking points about the evil Democratic establishment. [Media Matters]
• Howard Dean will not rest until he has counted every last Republican vote. [Scrappleface]
• Jesse Jackson Jr. can’t stop eating perogies and dancing polka; excitement about the new congressional majority has turned him white. [The Swamp]

Jon Tester just declared victory on the teevee, cooly noting that the candidate who gets the most votes usually wins. MORE »

Crazy Conrad already tried to ban Montana reporters from attending his “Victory Party” because the Billings Gazette committed the sin of running a USA Today poll showing he was doomed. MORE »

Already famous for catching all the terrorists who drive taxis by day and kill by night, hilariously pretending his employees are illegal aliens, taking massive bribes from Jack Abramoff and cold hatin’ on firefighters, Crazy Conrad Burns is finally in trouble for something related to his actual job in the Senate. MORE »