Tag Archives: jon stewart

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Jon Stewart Beats The Crap Out Of The NFL, Risks Two-Game Suspension (Video)

Exculpatory is such a great word
Jon Stewart went after the NFL’s spate of domestic abuse scandals Wednesday, reviewing the league’s initially lax treatment of Ray Rice and Greg Hardy, followed by indefinite suspensions — but only after public outrage at the mild penalties. “It’s the kind of firm decision making we’ve come to expect. From people who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.” But don’t worry, the NFL hired a panel of four women to advise them on domestic violence policy. “So we’re done here.” Stewart noted that a business has to be in pretty bad shape “when you have to appoint your own in-house Special Victims Unit.” Read more on Jon Stewart Beats The Crap Out Of The NFL, Risks Two-Game Suspension (Video)…
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You’ll Never Believe Who Jon Stewart Just Endorsed For President! (Video)

yeah, that one hurt
Jon Stewart had some fun with the seemingly eternal pre-campaign campaign season Tuesday, as Hillary Clinton flew to Iowa so she could once again announce that she may soon have an announcement to make about running for president. And now that she’s attended the 37th annual Tom Harkin Steak Fry, the die is cast. Maybe. (Stewart was most surprised to hear that retiring Sen. Harkin has a steak fry at all, especially after “all those years spinning my wheels at Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan’s Crawfish Boil.”) Read more on You’ll Never Believe Who Jon Stewart Just Endorsed For President! (Video)…
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Jon Stewart: Lindsey Graham Still Panicked About Boogeymen Under His Bed (Video)

We're all gonna die!
There’s a foreign policy crisis out there in the great big world, and that means it’s time for Sen. Lindsey Graham to take to Fox News and tell us just how imperiled we are. And so on Fox News Sunday, on Fox News, Sunday, Graham warned that President Obama had better get some troops on the ground and destroy ISIS “before we all get killed back here at home.” Read more on Jon Stewart: Lindsey Graham Still Panicked About Boogeymen Under His Bed (Video)…
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Jon Stewart Returns From Long Weekend, Finds Out We’re Going To War Again (Video)

Jon Stewart: Wartime anchor mode
Jon Stewart got back from the Toronto film Festival and found out from cable TV that America’s ready to go to war again. So he immediately transitioned to “network anchor war footing” by putting on the largest Old Glory lapel pin possible. He’s ready! This time, the bad guys are ISIS, and darn it, they’re just the worst: Read more on Jon Stewart Returns From Long Weekend, Finds Out We’re Going To War Again (Video)…
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Daily Show Reporter Curiously Unafraid Of Terrifying Refugee Children (Video)

Liberal monster urges un-American agenda of 'comapssion' and 'caring'
The Daily Show sent new guy Michael Che to take on the border panic in this lovely segment that tries to understand why America is threatened to its very core by Central American 8-year-olds. As with a lot of the best Daily Show “reporting,” a lot of the heavy comedic lifting ends up being done by the clueless rightwing asshole Che interviews, “Minutemen” leader Jim Gilchrist, who’s more than happy to provide a pile of Know-Nothing nativist idiocy for Che to play off: Read more on Daily Show Reporter Curiously Unafraid Of Terrifying Refugee Children (Video)…
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Jon Stewart Astonished Old Senators Who Look Like Balls Could Be Sexists (Video)

He seems pleased with that graphic
Jon Stewart has found the real scandal in the story of the sexist comments aimed at Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand by unnamed male colleagues in the Senate. One warned her “Don’t get too porky,” while another grabbed her stomach and said “Don’t lose too much weight now, I like my girls chubby.” With no consensus on No Fat Chicks v. Chubby Chasers, Stewart says, Congress is pathetic: “Even when it comes to shitty sexism, the Senate is gridlocked. They can’t get anything done.” Read more on Jon Stewart Astonished Old Senators Who Look Like Balls Could Be Sexists (Video)…
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Jon Stewart’s Mind Literally Blown By Rick Perry’s Indictment

No one who smirks in a mugshot could be evil
Jon Stewart isn’t quite sure what to make of this Rick Perry indictment. Is it just the trick of a cruel comedy god to keep satirists from having fun during the 2016 primaries, or is it, like his smirking mug shot, actually going to make Perry look even cooler, as the innocent victim of a coldhearted, politically motivated vendetta by a Republican special prosecutor who’s out to get him? Following a montage of clips from conservative talking heads saying they thought the indictment made Perry look good, Stewart concludes that it’s all just a matter of “rebranding”: Read more on Jon Stewart’s Mind Literally Blown By Rick Perry’s Indictment…
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Jon Stewart Warns ISIS: The Ultimate Terror Lies Ahead, And It Is Bureaucracy (Video)

Activate super suction!
Jon Stewart has this helpful tip for revolutionary Islamist groups: “First rule of Evil: Try not to have your acronym remind people of ’70s live action children’s television shows.” But who are these guys, anyway? If you listen to cable news, they’re pure evil, like a cancer, the worst terrorists ever, and UNSTOPPABLE. But what can we do about them? That’s a gimme: Airstrikes, which are, Stewart says, America’s equivalent of club soda. Something on your shirt? Airstrikes! Terrorist takeover of much of Iraq? You know it. And what else? Wolf Blitzer asks if maybe a secret alliance with Bashar Al Assad might be a good idea, to which Stewart gives the only reasonable reply: “You know, it is shit like this that makes you almost regret us destabilizing the region in the first place.” Funny how that worked out, huh? Read more on Jon Stewart Warns ISIS: The Ultimate Terror Lies Ahead, And It Is Bureaucracy (Video)…
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Jon Stewart Returns, Fixes Ferguson And Everything Else (Video)

As we’ve noted before, Jon Stewart should not be allowed to go on vacation, ever. During his late-June break, ISIS took over a huge chunk of Iraq, the House sued the president, and Israel went to war in Gaza (again). And two days into Stewart’s most recent summer hiatus, Michael Brown was shot to death by a cop in Ferguson, Missouri. The weirdest stuff seems to happen when there’s no Jon Stewart around to mock it. Read more on Jon Stewart Returns, Fixes Ferguson And Everything Else (Video)…
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Jon Stewart Literally Disembowels Congress (Video)

OK, they've had funnier graphics. They can's all be brilliant
Jon Stewart had some choice words for Congress Thursday, noting that they were heading off to vacation without having accomplished a blessed thing — and given the Daily Show’s taping schedule, the writers didn’t even have a chance to include the complete failure of the House’s immigration bill. Still, he’s not all that surprised that nothing’s getting done: this is the U.S. Congress we’re talking about after all. Read more on Jon Stewart Literally Disembowels Congress (Video)…
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Wild-Eyed Commies Jon Stewart And Stephen Colbert Being Un-American Again

Won't someone think of the corporations?
Here’s a rare two-fer: Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert both did segments Wednesday on the phenomenon of corporate “inversion” to escape U.S. taxes — the scheme whereby a U.S. company buys a smaller foreign company, then re-invents itself on paper as if its U.S. operations were merely a subsidiary of that foreign company. As Great American Patriot Allen West points out, it’s corporations’ patriotic duty to make as much money as they can while avoiding taxes, and to try to stop it would be socialism, and maybe a little perverted. Read more on Wild-Eyed Commies Jon Stewart And Stephen Colbert Being Un-American Again…
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Jon Stewart Finally Addresses Japan’s Pussy Boat Crisis (Video)

Jon Stewart brings us the story of Megumi Igarashi, a Japanese artist who was arrested on suspicion of breaking obscenity laws when she tried to sell 3D printouts of her vulva (let’s be precise, OK?) to help crowdsource a project to build a kayak built from a much larger 3D printout of her ladygarden. Why, yes, it IS Friday. Read more on Jon Stewart Finally Addresses Japan’s Pussy Boat Crisis (Video)…
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George Takei Tells How He Was Sent To An Internment Camp At Age 5. And Somehow It’s Not Horrifying!

We all love George Takei
Last night’s Daily Show brings us George Takei, who’s gone from pretend starship helmsman to real-life human rights hero and kept an excellent outlook on everything, somehow. Takei is on a press tour for his autobiographical documentary, To Be Takei, and instead of the usual interview fodder — his career on the popular “Star Wars” TV series or his work as a gay rights activist — Jon Stewart instead asked Takei to talk about his childhood experience in an internment camp during World War II. The amazing thing, and one of the reasons we just love George Takei, is that he can talk about the horrible irony of saying the Pledge of Allegiance in an elementary classroom and looking out at barbed wire and guard towers while saying “with liberty and justice for all” … and he can tell the story so calmly, summing it up with his father’s explanation years later: Read more on George Takei Tells How He Was Sent To An Internment Camp At Age 5. And Somehow It’s Not Horrifying!…
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Jon Stewart Can’t Believe How Obamacare Got Blown, Right In The Ear (Video)

It's Spanish for
The DC Circuit Court’s ruling on the ACA Tuesday was, according to everyone on cable, “a major blow to Obamacare,” as Jon Stewart dutifully notes with clips of a slew of cable news people saying it was a huge, catastrophic, major deadly blow. As you recall, the appeals court insisted that a bit of sloppiness in drafting be interpreted as narrowly as possible — since the law says subsidies will go to those who buy insurance “through an exchange established by the state,” two Republican appointees held that there’s no way the law actually allows subsidies for those who bought insurance on the federal exchange. Says Stewart, I’m just happy both judges got to work that morning, assuming that once they hit stop signs, their days ends. Until the law expressly provides a “go” sign, we can in no way ascertain the intent of the framers of the sign. Read more on Jon Stewart Can’t Believe How Obamacare Got Blown, Right In The Ear (Video)…
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John McCain Said Jon Stewart Often ‘Absolutely Wrong.’ That May Have Been A Bad Idea (Video)

Oh, it is ON
On Fox News recently, John McCain told Howard Kurtz that Jon Stewart was unfair to Republicans, but that it didn’t matter because Stewart is merely one of those lying late-night comedians: “When he says things that are absolutely wrong he gets away with it … It is what it is. I frankly have no beef with late night comedians who make fun of politicians. That’s the nature of the business.” Well Jon Stewart will not let this aggression stand, man. Read more on John McCain Said Jon Stewart Often ‘Absolutely Wrong.’ That May Have Been A Bad Idea (Video)…
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Jon Stewart Finds Lighter Side Of Malaysian Airliner Shootdown (Video)

Here’s Jon Stewart, giving us both of the plausible scenarios in last week’s downing of Malaysia Airlines flight 17: maybe it was shot down by poorly-trained pro-Russian separatists in Ukraine, using surface-to-air missiles provided by Russia. Or there’s the other possibility, floated by those Russian separatists: the plane was loaded with corpses and then made to crash, and the government of the Netherlands is merely pretending that a lot of its citizens were killed to make the separatists in Ukraine look bad, because you know how those Dutch are. And just to sum up what a weird world we live in, Malaysia Airlines now routes its flights from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur over a less dangerous place: Syria. Read more on Jon Stewart Finds Lighter Side Of Malaysian Airliner Shootdown (Video)…
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Jon Stewart Thinks Sarah Palin’s ‘Time To Impeach’ Clock Is Off (Video)

Having just come off his break, Jon Stewart is still catching up with some stuff that we’ve already covered, like f’rinstance Sarah Palin’s big Let’s Impeach Obama announcement from a week or so back. He handily disposes of her nutty comparison of America to “the battered wife” who finally says “No mas,” pointing out that now that she’s “finally finished with mangling the English language, and has moved on to making Spanish incomprehensible. She’s like a serial killer of language.” (And now, a “read more” link that takes you to the rest of the story on Wonkette, and man does THAT feel weird.) Read more on Jon Stewart Thinks Sarah Palin’s ‘Time To Impeach’ Clock Is Off (Video)…
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Jon Stewart Upgrades America’s Comedy Infrastructure (Video)

On Wednesday’s Daily Show, Jon Stewart took a brief detour into the unsexy but important topic of infrastructure funding, which may not immediately seem like comedy gold, but the bit worked. Our Great Nation’s roads and bridges are in terrible shape, and the means by which Congress has traditionally paid for the federal highway trust fund, gas taxes, is not an option in Tea Party Washington. And so instead, the road to avoiding bridge collapses is paved with clusterfucks. It’s educational, it’s informative, and it’s funny, and we finally learn the true motto inscribed over the doors of the Capitol building: “A Latin phrase meaning ‘Fuck it, we’ll probably all be dead in ten years anyway.'” Read more on Jon Stewart Upgrades America’s Comedy Infrastructure (Video)…
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Jon Stewart Literally Parboils Jerks Who Fear Immigrant Children (Video)

Jon Stewart took on the latest round of rightwing anti-immigrant panic Tuesday night, reminding us of that simple lesson that we all learned as children: “I was always taught by my parents to follow the Golden Rule: Whenever you see a kid in trouble, yell at them in a language they don’t understand.” Read more on Jon Stewart Literally Parboils Jerks Who Fear Immigrant Children (Video)…
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As Usual, World Went All To Hell While Jon Stewart Was On Break (Video)

When Jon Stewart takes a vacation, he usually returns to find that some eminently mockable story has broken while he was away. He was on break when Dick Cheney shot that guy in the face, for instance, and when Sara Palin quit (as governor, that time). But returning from this most recent two-week break, Stewart thinks the entire world has gone mad: the border crisis, the Republicans suing Obama, Iraq falling apart as ISIS takes over huge parts of the country, and for those who prefer the taste of “Catastrophe Classic,” Hamas is shooting rockets ineffectually at Israel and Israel is converting large swaths of Gaza to rubble: “Tastes great, more killing.” Read more on As Usual, World Went All To Hell While Jon Stewart Was On Break (Video)…
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We Got Mad About A Thing In Today’s Happy Links!

Haha, today was the day we were finally able to use the term *shots fired* like the thugs we are. Why? Because we debuted Kaili Joy’s new fabulous column, I Am Mad About A Thing. It is the most important thinkskolumn feelsplanation since Maureen Dowd did first put fancy pen to the finest paper. Now on to the links! Read more on We Got Mad About A Thing In Today’s Happy Links!…