Tag Archives: jon stewart

  Here have some news n stuff

Correction: Barack Obama Is Not In Fact The Antichrist

But it says so in the Bible!
Best newspaper correction ever or BEST EVER?Here’s the original letter. It’s quite something: Who and what is Barack Obama? Obama claims nobody can stop him or change anything he’s done. This evil must come to pass before the Lord’s return and the rise of the Antichrist, but you better know what evil you’re dealing with. Nobody is promised another minute of life upon this earth, and judgment comes at the time of your death. Read more on Correction: Barack Obama Is Not In Fact The Antichrist…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Brian Williams Gets Six Months, Jon Stewart Gets Life (Video)

Whaaat?
Tuesday night was just one big bucket of breaking media news, what with NBC news anchor Brian Williams getting suspended without pay for six months, effective immediately, and Jon Stewart announcing that he is leaving the Daily Show forever, effective eventually. Brian Williams has got to be feeling pretty darn lucky about the timing — Maddow leads with his suspension, of course, but what people will be talking about is Stewart’s departure. In fact, following her own show, Maddow went over to Lawrence O’Donnell’s studio and sat in on the panel discussing the changes — the Williams announcement got five or ten minutes, and the Stewart news took up the rest of the program. Read more on Morning Maddow: Brian Williams Gets Six Months, Jon Stewart Gets Life (Video)…
  We can't even count high enough

23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome

So you know how Fox News, America’s No. 1 News Source for Your Racist Uncle, got into that little dustup with Le Gay Paree over, you know, how France and England had created a bunch of Muslims-only Shariah paradises where good and decent Christian folk weren’t allowed, which, well, wasn’t compleeeeeeeetely accurate? Of course you do. Dok told you all about it, and we know that you read this mommyblog and recipe hub with the fervor of a teenage boy on Pornhub. And so you also know that the mayor of Paris is not entirely thrilled: Read more on 23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome…
  Why aren't the Obamas in bad-parent jail?

Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Beyonce Still Hasn’t Resigned In Disgrace

Mike Huckabee, perpetual maybe-presidential candidate, wrote a book about what’s wrong with America. Everything, basically, is wrong with America — including the Obamas allowing their daughters to get their hippity-hop on to Beyonce’s whore music. But it’s not as if he wanted anyone to notice that. That anyone in the media is all, “Huh? What?” just proves his point that America is a cesspool of Indecency and Immorality and other I-words. (The Huckster is also fond of the greatest I-word in the Bible, which no Republicans ever talk about, ever, but it rhymes with dimpeachment.) Read more on Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Beyonce Still Hasn’t Resigned In Disgrace…
  But It Wasn't A Chicken! It Was A Baby!

Fine, Here Is Your Big Colbert Report Farewell Number

Are we sure Randy Newman didn't write that song?
Stephen Colbert did his very last show last night, and while it couldn’t possibly top the majesty and brilliance of the Seinfeld finale, it also didn’t close out the series with a clip show, either. Read more on Fine, Here Is Your Big Colbert Report Farewell Number…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Biblical Computer Programming, Obama’s Race Czar, And Other Horrors

Sudo bring me a muffin.
It’s time for another Derp Roundup, the occasional feature where we pressure-wash all the crud off our open browser tabs and bring you some stories that didn’t quite merit their own posts, but were too stupid to ignore altogether. Please administer brain bleach with caution. Read more on Derp Roundup: Biblical Computer Programming, Obama’s Race Czar, And Other Horrors…
  clip bait

Jon Stewart: ‘Mitch McConnell Is Literally, Biologically A Tortoise’ (Video)

On Thursday’s Daily Show, Jon Stewart did that thing he does where he makes us all feel a little bit better about an awful, terrible, no good, very bad week after “the Democrats got taken out back and Old Yeller-ed by the American electorate.” And he did that other thing he does where he makes us laugh at the pitiful and trite news coverage of this week’s election, with a classic Daily Show montage. Read more on Jon Stewart: ‘Mitch McConnell Is Literally, Biologically A Tortoise’ (Video)…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Calls Midterm Elections ‘A Tectonic Skullf*cking’

Here's your new congressional seal
On Wednesday’s Daily Show, Jon Stewart says he didn’t have a chance to watch the results of Tuesday’s election (we’re not entirely sure we believe him; that may be one of those sarcasm satire jokey things), but according to the show’s montage of reports from all your favorite new channels, the night was a “tectonic skullfucking.” Read more on Jon Stewart Calls Midterm Elections ‘A Tectonic Skullf*cking’…
  I'm On A Vote Mothafukka

Watch Jon Stewart’s Favorite Midterms Batsh*t Moments (Video)

nautical times
Jon Stewart brings us more yummy electoral goodness, starting with a brief montage of precious election moments: Mitch McConnell’s bizarre b-roll ad and subsequent #McConnelling, Charlie Crist’s fan, Joni Ernst cutting nutz, and New York Republican Michael Grimm and his beautiful fraud indictments — not to mention his offer to break a reporter in half “like a boy” for asking a question about it (somehow, Stewart really doesn’t mention it). Read more on Watch Jon Stewart’s Favorite Midterms Batsh*t Moments (Video)…
  Election Day clipbait

Jon Stewart: Welcome To ‘Democalypse 2014: Come On Republicans, Just Go Ahead And Take Over Already’

On the eve of Election Day, The Daily Show previews what Tuesday will probably look like and then reviews the ever-so-rational arguments of the Republican Party: If you’re looking for rational argument about how best to govern, you have to turn to the Republicans. Our nation’s true statesmen. Read more on Jon Stewart: Welcome To ‘Democalypse 2014: Come On Republicans, Just Go Ahead And Take Over Already’…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Electoral Dysfunction Edition

Wonkette does not allow magic scrolls, either.
Is it Saturday already? Must be time to put on the old Hazmat suit — which we never leave the house without now, on account of the ‘bola — and go skim off the worst of the dumbth in the comment queue for you, our dear readers. It’s an eclectic grab bag of goo this week, but we see that we moved some folks to political activism! Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Electoral Dysfunction Edition…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Literally Eviscerates The Koch Brothers, Through A Window

We detect sarcasm
The Daily Show has a new advertiser, and it is Koch Industries, owned by those “lovable scamps” Charles and David. Jon Stewart graciously and very sincerely welcomes the new sponsor, who is simply trying to appeal to Stewart’s “not yet dying” audience. And how does he describe Koch’s charming ad about how heartland American the company is? Read more on Jon Stewart Literally Eviscerates The Koch Brothers, Through A Window…
  Both Sides Don't Actually Do it

It’s OK, America, Crossfire Can’t Hurt You Anymore. Again. (Video)

That's one way to celebrate an anniversary
Can you believe that it’s been exactly 10 years (OK, yesterday) since Jon Stewart went on CNN’s Crossfire and told Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson (who still wore a bowtie at the time) that their show was “hurting America”? Read more on It’s OK, America, Crossfire Can’t Hurt You Anymore. Again. (Video)…
  Ozymandias Ain't Got Nothing On This Guy

Bill O’Reilly Has Won Forever, So Rest Of Media Can Just Go Home Now

He will now take his ball and go home
Fox News Walking Ego Bill O’Reilly had a little chat with his own network’s Media Buzz Sunday, and told host Howard Kurtz that the lamestream media doesn’t bother him anymore, because he has WON against them. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Has Won Forever, So Rest Of Media Can Just Go Home Now…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Literally Disembowels Secret Service, Feeds It To Unused Guard Dogs (Video)

Jon Stewart is just as flummoxed by the Secret Service’s recent string of screw-ups as anyone else, and the details of the Omar Gonzales’s fence-jumping and unguided White House tour just left him all the more astonished. The Secret Service didn’t release dogs, for instance, because they were worried the dogs might attack agents. Read more on Jon Stewart Literally Disembowels Secret Service, Feeds It To Unused Guard Dogs (Video)…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart’s Got Some Schoolhouse Rock For You Hip Kids (Video)

This doesn't end well
Jon Stewart is on top of all the latest hot issues in the midterms, like the Iowa debate between Senate contenders Joni Ernst and Bruce Braley, where each tried to out-folksy the other. Or the exciting process of introducing doomed legislation largely for the purpose of running on it, or slamming opponents for having voted against it: “Congress has now greatly simplified the process for passing laws, in that it does not.” Read more on Jon Stewart’s Got Some Schoolhouse Rock For You Hip Kids (Video)…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart On Latte Salute Poutrage: ‘F-ck You And All Your False Patriotism’ (Video)

It's right there in Federalist #51
It is a time of war, and the executive and legislative branches aren’t playing well together. Congress itself is divided — can the president act militarily without specific congressional authorization, or must he be hamstrung by partisan squabbles? Jon Stewart addressed our current constitutional puzzle on Thursday’s Daily Show: Read more on Jon Stewart On Latte Salute Poutrage: ‘F-ck You And All Your False Patriotism’ (Video)…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Does Kegstands On The Senate. Eviscerates And Defenestrates Them Also Too

Whose Gridlock Is It, Anyway?
It’s midterms time, and Jon Stewart has his eye on the most important issues in the 2014 Senate elections: In Kentucky, Alison Lundergan Grimes showed Mitch McConnell the proper way to hold a gun, giving Stewart an excuse to do his McConnell as Cecil Turtle bit, ah-yup, so just go ahead and watch already. But there’s also the great debate over whether Alaska Sen. Mark Begich really rides a snow machine, and, more recently, the brouhaha (from a Sanskrit word meaning “Jesus, people think this is a big deal?) over Louisiana Sen. Mary Landrieu helping a college man from LSU do a kegstand (went in dumb — come out dumb too). “Who wants to do lines off my ass? Come on, everybody! Let’s party — the survival of Obamacare depends on it!” Read more on Jon Stewart Does Kegstands On The Senate. Eviscerates And Defenestrates Them Also Too…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Super Excited About Syria, the ‘iPhone 6 Of Wars’ (Video)

We must protest: Daily Show is capable of much better segment titles
Jon Stewart is just as thrilled as anyone about the brand new war/not war against ISIS in Syria, leading with a clip of CNN’s Don Lemon and Alisyn Camerota breaking the news: “We’ve been waiting for this moment for weeks and here it is tonight!” burbled Camerota, leading Stewart to exclaim, Read more on Jon Stewart Super Excited About Syria, the ‘iPhone 6 Of Wars’ (Video)…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart To House Science Committee: ‘Are You F-cking Kidding Me?!?!?’ (Video)

The stupid is on fire in here
Jon Stewart took a moment to talk about the weekend’s climate change march in New York, and wondered why it’s even necessary to have a march about global warming — after all, isn’t the climate science settled? Ah, but then he remembered: there’s this thing called the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology, which is largely made up of Republicans who think that science is whatever Koch Industries says it is. Stewart looked at last week’s hearing on the Obama administration’s new carbon emissions rules, which as we’ve already noted included Indiana congressgoober Larry Bucshon explaining he doesn’t believe scientists, since all their big-money research depends on finding evidence of global warming. Read more on Jon Stewart To House Science Committee: ‘Are You F-cking Kidding Me?!?!?’ (Video)…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart: F-ck You, Shakespeare, F-ck You. (Video)

Really, who *hasn't* wanted to yell 'Fuck you, Shakepeare!' at one time or another?
Like Yr Wonkette, Jon Stewart has a soft spot for Old Handsome Joe Biden, that loveable cutup and advocate for victims of domestic violence. But golly, OHJB can put his foot in it, can’t he? Like how he referred to bankers who foreclosed on homes during the financial crisis as “Shylocks” the other day (oh, come on, Joe!). This also gave Stewart the chance to give Shakespeare the “Fuck you!” he’d been waiting 400 years to deliver. Then, fresh off apologizing for the “Shylocks” remark, America’s Goofy Uncle referred to Asia as “the Orient,” which is not the preferred nomenclature, Dude. “Orient? Shylock? It’s like Biden hasn’t been out of the house since 1962!” Read more on Jon Stewart: F-ck You, Shakespeare, F-ck You. (Video)…