Tag Archives: jon huntsman

  Misty Corndog Cramming Memories

Where Were You When Michele Bachmann Became Princess Of Iowa 4 Years Ago?

We were a more innocent nation back then
It was a simpler time, a time before Benghazi, a time before the Obamacare computers were all kerflooey, a time when America still believed it was possible for a bright-eyed crazy lady who never quite focused on your face but could really deep-throat a foot-long corndog could become president. Actually, only rightwing loons in Iowa believed that. But it’s hard to believe that it was only four short years ago when Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll, putting her on the path to the nomination, or at least several completely bizarre debate appearances and an eventual decision by the Associated Press to give up on fact-checking the insane drivel coming from her mouthparts. Read more on Where Were You When Michele Bachmann Became Princess Of Iowa 4 Years Ago?…
  ooh a rumor to spread

Hot Blog Rumor: Maybe One of Those Huntsman Boys Gabbed To Harry Reid About Romney’s Taxes

The Internet is rapidly zeroing in on the identity of Harry Reid’s source, the one who was like “oh yeah Harry, that guy, Romney, no taxes from that guy,” which Harry Reid reiterated on the Senate floor, destroying any semblance of what had previously been a sense of good faith and comity between the two parties in the World’s Greatest Deliberative Body. After a couple of weeks, Kos and Cannonfire nosed around a bit and found themselves with a lead: Oh, duh, it’s probably someone from the other rich Mormon political family that owns the other half of Utah, the Huntsmans — Jon Jr. and pop Jon Sr. They’re not the first to surmise that Reid’s source came from within powerful Mormon circles, where secrets do not appear to be safely kept. But they are the first to google around for a few more nuggets of circumstantial evidence and crap it out into a blog post, because why not? Read more on Hot Blog Rumor: Maybe One of Those Huntsman Boys Gabbed To Harry Reid About Romney’s Taxes…
  meritocracy 2.0

To Which Television Job Is This Latest Vapid Political Daughter Entitled?

Abby Huntsman is the 26-year-old daughter of Utah owner and 94th-place finisher in the 2012 Republican primaries, Jon Huntsman. She made a couple of wacky YouTubes with her two sisters (“hehe, look at how funny we are, we’re so crazy, aren’t we precious?”) before her father lost, in shame. And now, what’s this, she wants to parlay this experience into a job at a major media network, as is her birthright? Well hell, let’s crown her as owner of Viacom and editor of the New York Motherfucking Times and bow our heads in prayer. Read more on To Which Television Job Is This Latest Vapid Political Daughter Entitled?…
  the files are in the computer

Americans Elect Going The Way Of MySpace, Barack Obama Currently In Fourth Place

Americans Elect, the organization that tried to get America to nominate a centrist third-party candidate using the futuristic World Wide Web, has basically admitted defeat. Yes, in America, an idiot can become president, but a well-meaning yet mysterious group of people who took the time to actually get on the ballot in 27 states cannot make a website that actually works. Via Politico, the Americans Elect organizers said Tuesday that, basically, Americans are very interested in nominating a third-party candidate, yet when we say Americans we really mean the 18,000 or so Americans who were able to use our website without wanting to stab themselves in the eye. “There is…an almost universal desire,” said Kahlil Byrd in a statement that appears on the website, “among delegates, leadership and millions of Americans who have supported AE to see a credible candidate emerge from this process.” “Millions,” that is optimistic. Anyway, it looks like there is technically a “leader” in all this, and his name is………………Ron Paul. Jon Huntsman is in second place with a whopping 3,834 votes, followed by Bernie Sanders and in fourth place, BARACK OBAMA. Read more on Americans Elect Going The Way Of MySpace, Barack Obama Currently In Fourth Place…
  oh the humanity

Obama Attempts to Win Back America With Tiny Musical Moment

Thursday night at a fundraiser in Harlem, Obama was having a way better time than the Republican candidates, and at one point broke into song, honoring Reverend Al Green, who was at the event. Obama sang “Let’s Stay Together” (indeed) for about six seconds, in the middle looking down at the podium for a reflective pause the way he always does, even apparently while singing. It turns out this is not a one-time occurrence. Back in 2008, Obama sang six seconds of Aretha Franklin, and at a different event while he was Senator, he serenaded Dionne Warwick with six seconds of Dionne Warwick, and advised that if you wanted to charm a lady, you put on a Dionne Warwick record. Read more on Obama Attempts to Win Back America With Tiny Musical Moment…
  bootlegs

Huntsman Daughters Interview Romney Bobblehead in Lost Video

Huntsman daughters Abby, Liddy and Mary Anne had a couple of great videos during their dad’s mercurial campaign. They were the only entertaining part — besides, maybe, “Did you hear what I just said?” — of the whole thing. But their best work was never actually released…until now! An ABC News station got a hold of this Romney-bashing video, in which the two non-blondes in the trio don blonde wigs to match their sister Liddy and interview a bobbleheaded version of Mitt Romney on a show they call “Foxes and Friends.” The girls were declared to have “gone rogue” by a campaign insider a couple of months ago, so it’s no wonder this was never officially released. Now it does, happily, take the shine off Huntsman’s already completely unbelievable and dull endorsement of Romney. Read more on Huntsman Daughters Interview Romney Bobblehead in Lost Video…
  bah!

Perry Dropping Out to Play More Scrabble With Huntsman

Rick Perry is finally dropping out of the Republican race Thursday, and will endorse Newt Gingrich because it’s just more fun that way. He will now return in shame to Texas to command-in-chief his Burundi-sized army and obsessively read over all his old emails to Jesus for clues about why Jesus dumped him and maybe whatever else Rick Perry used to do besides dare to dream about the presidency, troll eBay for bulk hair products, probably. Was it something he said? Read more on Perry Dropping Out to Play More Scrabble With Huntsman…
  game show hosts

Unloved Moderate Mormon Millionaire Dropping Out of GOP Race

Citing widespread evidence that Republicans don’t love him because he would basically govern like Barack Obama, an unloved moderate Mormon millionaire will drop out of the Republican presidential contest today. Despite many endorsements, lots of money, a handsome appearance and an attractive family of preppy white people, the candidate has never been embraced by GOP primary voters — in large part because he believes in the wrong American Jesus. The candidate will endorse the other unloved moderate Mormon millionaire currently doing better in the caucus/primary tally. Read more on Unloved Moderate Mormon Millionaire Dropping Out of GOP Race…
  gay old party

Gay Republicans — OPENLY Gay, We Mean — Very Pleased With Romney/Paul/Huntsman Three-Way

While being an openly gay Republican seems about as sane as carrying a nail-studded two-by-four around so you can mutilate yourself on the half-hour, the “Log Cabin Republicans” continue to be an actual thing. And they have put out a statement about tonight’s exciting New Hampshire primary results. They’re quite pleased with the results! Read more on Gay Republicans — OPENLY Gay, We Mean — Very Pleased With Romney/Paul/Huntsman Three-Way…
  quick and dirty

So Mitt Romney Won New Hampshire, Let’s Hang Out

Mitt Crazy Eyes/9000/My Twinn Doll Romney has been declared the winner of the New Hampshire primary, seizing 37.3 percent of the vote, according to AP, with 43 percent of precincts reporting as of the time that this post was delivered to the Internet. Ron Paul is second with 23.4 percent, and Jon Huntsman scurried up to third place with 17.4 percent. Read more on So Mitt Romney Won New Hampshire, Let’s Hang Out…
  hypetty hype hype

Could Huntsmania Actually Have an Impact in New Hampshire?

As of two hours ago, the fickle folk of the Granite State have begun voting in the first-in-the-nation primary. Last night, the registered voting population of the petite hamlet of Dixville Notch launched the primary season with their weird tradition of voting 11 hours before everybody else. Nine people showed up. Due to History and the village’s uncanny ability to predict the outcome of the Republican nomination race (perfect record since 1960), this was viewed by tweeting humans as important and prescient. Amusingly, President Obama won more votes than everyone else, with three votes. Huntsman and Romney tied at two apiece, which is the only proof we have right now that Huntsmania, the eager flocking of Romney haters (and Obama defectors?) to relative safety under the bomber-jacket-clad wing of former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman, exists. It’s a little late, is it not? OR IS IT? Read more on Could Huntsmania Actually Have an Impact in New Hampshire?…
  pissing on the sabbath

Thanks For Ruining Our Weekend, GOP! Liveblogging Debate #666

Ready to ruin your Saturday night? Then please join us, as we liveblog the New Hampshire ABC News secret-handjob 2012 debate. Let’s hurt together, the way Santorum would want Jesus to hurt us, should we accidentally have the buttsex. Mitt Romney, known as “the guy who is really spending a lot of money to be the nominee, despite nobody liking him at all,” has a chance to … oh who knows. Maybe a circuit will blow! Rick Santorum might finally “come out,” if you know what we mean! Read more on Thanks For Ruining Our Weekend, GOP! Liveblogging Debate #666…
  saying how we really feel

Boston Globe Endorses Huntsman By Process of Mittlimination

The Boston Globe, not exactly a bastion of conservative dreamweaving, endorsed Jon Huntsman in an editorial appearing in Friday’s paper. The craziest thing about this is not that the Globe chose the ur-underdog, because who doesn’t love an underdog whose name is not Rick Santorum, but that the Globe described 2012 as “an historic opportunity for the Republican Party.” SO SOON? Read more on Boston Globe Endorses Huntsman By Process of Mittlimination…
  race card tricks

Paultards Hate Huntsman for Knowing Chinese, Adopting Foreigners

The New Hampshire contingent of Paultards is stooping to core-of-the-earth lows today with a new ad featuring Napster-era audio quality, proof alone that the ad was definitely not made by Paul’s official moneybags campaign, but the freaks on the fringe of the fringe, who are still learning how to use a computer. In the ad, these cinematic visionaries show candidate Huntsman speaking in Mandarin and ask, “American values? Or Chinese?” and then insult Huntsman’s Indian- and Chinese-born adopted daughters. Oh boy. Read more on Paultards Hate Huntsman for Knowing Chinese, Adopting Foreigners…
  endangered species

Jon Huntsman Donating To Himself For a Few Days

Republican fringe-moderate candidate Jon Huntsman sent out an e-mail to supporters the other day announcing that he would match any donations received until midnight on January 4, that being the first day of the rest our lives following tonight’s roll in the Iowa hay. While perfectly legal — there’s no limit to the amount of capital gains a bajillionaire can sink into his or her (her!!) political campaign — it doesn’t feel or sound or smell legal. “I am adding a wrinkle,” Huntsman wrote. A wrinkle? Read more on Jon Huntsman Donating To Himself For a Few Days…
  war on xmas

‘Twas the Night Before Iowa … (A Visit From St. Reagan)

‘Twas the night before Iowa, when all through the state, The wingnuts were fuming, their heads fat with hate. The caucus was planned, in just over a week, Yet the GOP candidates were unelectable freaks! The reporters were nestled in bedbug motels. Their noses recoiling from strange Iowa smells, Of corn syrup fields, and thick manure dollops, and visions of Newt giving trinkets to trollops. Read more on ‘Twas the Night Before Iowa … (A Visit From St. Reagan)…