Tag Archives: jokes

  Right-wing humor is as good as it's always been

Here Are The Racist Emails That Landed Sh*tty Ferguson Officials In The Unemployment Line

Good thing they didn't send their emails to Strongbad, he would have gotten SO MAD.
If former court clerk Mary Ann Twitty, of Ferguson, Missouri, had been paying any attention to Hillary Clinton’s lessons, she might still have a job right now. Same goes for Rick Henke and William Mudd, who used to be police captain and police sergeant, respectively. Instead, it never occurred to them that “hey we send each other racist haw haw jokes all the time, maybe we should delete them, or maybe do this over Snapchat,” and they were relieved of their jobs in March. Well, now we actually get to see the emails! Were they talking about how much they wanted to lynch slaves or how Barack Obama should go back and live with the monkeys in Africa? Less of the former, more of the latter. Read more on Here Are The Racist Emails That Landed Sh*tty Ferguson Officials In The Unemployment Line…
  epic fail

Let’s Point And Laugh At Ted Cruz Trying To ‘Joke’ And Failing Miserably. For Fun!

President Ted Cruz (R-Not Really)
Here is a video of Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Needs New Material) trying to charm the International Association of Fire Fighters in Dallas this week, with some jokes! Apparently, conservatives eat up this crap and cheer and thump their chests and say “Oooh, Cruz for president!” A firefighters’ union, though? Not so much: Read more on Let’s Point And Laugh At Ted Cruz Trying To ‘Joke’ And Failing Miserably. For Fun!…
  He'll be here all week ... unfortunately

President Lindsey Graham Will Literally Invade Congress, With An Army (But Not Literally)

What a jokester
Supposedly, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham would like to be president, at least of the rich white penis parts of America. Ha, just kidding, that was a joke! But he keeps telling “jokes” that don’t work out well for him — on account of how they are not funny and make him look like A Asshole — and then he has to be all, like, “Ha, just kidding, that was a joke!” One time, he even said he was sorry for making a “joke,” when he called Nancy Pelosi an ugly old over-surgeried hag. Ha. Ha. Ha. Read more on President Lindsey Graham Will Literally Invade Congress, With An Army (But Not Literally)…
  shut up narc

US Senator Jeff Sessions Is A Buzzkill And A Total Narc

Oh noes! The nation’s top Law Enforcement Officer made a joke about weed! Doesn’t he know that pot kills and that it is NO LAUGHING MATTER? What is our once-great nation even coming to when the FBI Director can say something as horrible and shocking as the thing that was said in a hearing by James Comey on Monday! Explaining that the Bureau is having a hard time recruiting “white hat” hackers to fight cybercrime, Comey admitted that the FBI was “grappling with the question” of whether to loosen the restriction on hiring people who have ever smoked the Devil Weed, and even joked — joked!!!!! — that some of the prospective job candidates “want to smoke weed on the way to the interview.” And yet, instead of being cool with it, and maybe even doing some lines (hah!) from the classic “Dave’s not here” routine, Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions had to go and be a total narc about it. Read more on US Senator Jeff Sessions Is A Buzzkill And A Total Narc…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab Bag Of Grotesqueries

Duuuuuudes. Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the (*koff!*) weekly feature where we roll up whatever seeds and stems are left from stories that weren’t quite compelling enough to make a full post, but too stoopid to ignore altogether, and then we, uhhhh… hahahahahaha Yeah, we totally do, man. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab Bag Of Grotesqueries…
  the projection room

Why Won’t Barack Obama Just Shut Up About This Rodeo Clown Already?

Just in case anyone’s not completely tired of the saga of Tuffy Gessling, the rodeo clown who wore a Barack Obama mask (god knows we are), the always incisive folks at WND have this temporal anomaly of a headline about Obama’s appearance on Saturday Night Live in 2007: “No way! Look who’s wearing Obama mask now[!]” The story is mostly a collection of quotes about the mask nontroversy, plus a clip of Obama appearing in a sketch in which he appears at a Halloween party wearing a Barack Obama mask. WND asks, in all seriousness, Will this man be ridiculed, banned for life after similar stunt? We missed the part of the SNL sketch where the crowd cheered the prospect of Obama getting run down by a bull, or the bit where another performer played with the mask’s big ol’ nigra lips, but sure, totally the same thing that just happened now. Read more on Why Won’t Barack Obama Just Shut Up About This Rodeo Clown Already?…
  reality...what a concept

Ebony And Daily Caller Locked In Existential Debate About Nature Of Jokes, Reality

Yesterday we closed our story about wingnut outrage over Ebony Magazine’s “We Are Trayvon” covers by noting that Ebony was taking the fuss in stride, as reflected in this tweet: “We have so many Tea Party readers and followers. To lose all zero of them due to our September cover would be devastating.” We also noted that the interwebs were having more than a bit of fun with the idea, as #whitepeople boycottingEBONY was also burning up the Twitterverse. Ah, but is there in fact an actual boycott of Ebony? In actual reality, there is not, for indeed, such a notion is utterly absurd! It is, in fact, the sort of absurdity that one might mock with a sarcastic hashtag, even! But wait! What if those dumb liberals actually believe that white conservatives are boycotting Ebony? The Daily Caller’s leering homunculus Patrick Howley took that angle and ran with it, breathlessly revealing that Ebony had been “duped” — and by a “disgraced reporter,” no less! Hahaha, foolish liberals! You made a joke about a conservative boycott that does not exist, which means you are laughing at nothing! Read more on Ebony And Daily Caller Locked In Existential Debate About Nature Of Jokes, Reality…
  what stops a bad joke about a gun?

Massachusetts Sheriff Makes Funny Comedy Joke About How Obama Should Get Shot, Why Don’t You People Have A Sense Of Humor?

We’ve decided that there’s only one thing more difficult than coming up with a funny joke about assassinating the president, and that is coming up with a creative lede for a story about the latest small-time GOP bigot to make a stupid joke about assassinating the president. It’s all been done, even the meta stuff, and now here comes Plymouth County Sheriff Joseph D. McDonald, Jr., who tried out his comedy chops at a Massachusetts Republican Party St. Patrick’s Day breakfast this weekend with a hilarious joke about how America would be a better place if Barack Obama had a bullet in his head: McDonald offered a joke about Barack Obama being visited in a dream by three past presidents, who offered advice on how to improve the country. Lincoln’s advice: “Go to the theater.” The joke was reportedly met with “scattered laughter.” Read more on Massachusetts Sheriff Makes Funny Comedy Joke About How Obama Should Get Shot, Why Don’t You People Have A Sense Of Humor?…
  he who reported the smell dealt it

Washington Free Beacon Super Squicked Out By Stinky Girls

This morning, Obama campaign spokeswoman Jen Psaki was on MSNBC (obviously, what with all the socialisms). Remarking how busy the campaign was, she said that she’d just gotten off the campaign and been able to shower for the first time in two days. …Wait for it…wait for it… The Washington Free Beacon decided to go hard on this lady’s vagina-filth and make a thing out of it. (Clip below the fold.) Read more on Washington Free Beacon Super Squicked Out By Stinky Girls…
  a series of tubes

Breitbart Wants Comcast To Block His Website, Apparently

Today there seems to be some sort of joke on Breitbart.com, which would be a nice change — after all, we like politics, and we like jokes, so this should be a real treat! So anyway, the joke goes like this: “once, I knew a leftist that was SO DUMB — (how dumb was he?) –- well he was SO DUMB that he thought he could build a business using LEFTIST principles which would never work because of the unregulated nature of the world wide web which currently makes it attractive to private investment in a way that net neutrality will not which is why there are no leftists in the private internet business! And also, Marxism!” Get it? Get it?? That’s ok, neither does your Wonkette, on account of the fact that it might not actually be a “joke” in the way that one would normally conceive of a “joke.” And also because Seton Motley, the author of this joke article essay? doesn’t seem to understand how the Internet came about or how it works, not to mention what the Internet has to do with his lede, which concerns Obama poking his head into executive boardrooms across the country and screaming “YOU DIDN’T BUILD THAT!” Read more on Breitbart Wants Comcast To Block His Website, Apparently…
  bye jon bye!

Catholic League Declares Itself To Have Broken Jon Stewart’s Spirit

Jon Stewart performed two sold-out nights in Florida over the weekend, and the Catholic League is ALL OVER IT. Jon Stewart making Florida laugh while making fun of Florida was enough to set off a torrent of Jon Stewart Google alerts in the Catholic League’s inbox, and the organization was the thrilled to find that the Daily Show host actually mentioned them during at least one of his performances, in Clearwater. Buried deep in a (praise-filled) review of the show in the Tampa Bay Times, the reviewer writes that Stewart brought up the fact that the Catholic League has “boycotted” Stewart over his recent joke about women placing a manger between their legs to prevent medical professionals from probing into them unneccessarily. Apparently, in a “moment of seriousness” on Saturday, Jon Stewart declared that he doesn’t really care that the Catholic League has boycotted him, and that has resulted in the Catholic League thinking that it has WON! Read more on Catholic League Declares Itself To Have Broken Jon Stewart’s Spirit…
  flotus files

FLOTUS Body Double Parties With Britney Spears, Probably On U.S. Dime

Yawn, there goes Michelle Obama again, partying in Europe with a bunch of celebrities when she is supposed to be doing her job (locking Malia in her room until she eats her broccoli). This time, our FLOTUS is not even trying to mask her frivolous night out as “official business,” shamelessly eating at an Indian restaurant with Britney Spears, Mr. Bean and Pavarotti while Americans’ tax dollars most likely paid for every single samosa. Actually, though, it was not Michelle Obama herself that enjoyed the party in Burton-on-Trent, Staffordshire, whatever that is. It was her secret body double! So how much money does that Michelle Obama steal from the pockets of hardworking Americans? Read more on FLOTUS Body Double Parties With Britney Spears, Probably On U.S. Dime…
  grovel harder

Joe Biden Smooths China Relations With Joke About How They Own U.S.

The White House sent official court jester Joe Biden for a visit with U.S. corporate parent company China to do a little self-deprecating diplomacy dance routine for China’s annoyed rulers to convince them the wayward middle management in Congress won’t sink their investments. Richard Nixon used to just be able to mail a few ping-pong players to Beijing and get a nice “we’re cool now” note from the head office, which actually still sounds like a better idea than mailing Joe Biden to Beijing, but here we are. Now, in 2011: “You ARE national affairs,” Biden quipped to Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping. What other hilarious jokes does Joe Biden have for China?  Read more on Joe Biden Smooths China Relations With Joke About How They Own U.S….
  fascinating lives of murderers

New Osama Bin Laden Details For a Hungry Media

The past few days, the media have engorged themselves on a litany of little details about Osama bin Laden’s living conditions at the time of his death. But today, they’ve seen to hit a wall. Look, government officials, it’s not like they’re going to look into the veracity of whatever you give them, just throw some stuff their way! What are they going to do, start reporting other stories again? That sucked! So in an effort to provide new reports about what was going on in that mansion, we’ve made up some new details, for the good of us all: Read more on New Osama Bin Laden Details For a Hungry Media…
  other people who snark for a living

Supreme Court Just an Institutionalized Zinger Contest

Other ways in which Scalia is exactly like that irritating uncle of yours: Chief Justice Roberts has a light, witty touch, while the laughter that follows a long hypothetical question from Justice Breyer can feel like an expression of relief. Justice Scalia, by contrast, will repeat jokes mercilessly, raising questions about whether he has artificially increased his laugh count. Read more on Supreme Court Just an Institutionalized Zinger Contest…
  here's a video of a bunch of people who can all die

Good Ol’ Boy Bush Joking About Iraq War Quagmire Again

Haha, that whole audience of people who didn’t have to shoot or be shot by Iraqi insurgents for years on end thinks this is a very funny joke! But, of course, the thing is that Bush did have an exit strategy when he tried to leave that event in China. The strategy just didn’t work. It was when he decided to invade and take over a very large country on the other side of the world that he didn’t have an exit strategy. But that’s mere quibbling when you’re too stupid to experience regret. [YouTube] Read more on Good Ol’ Boy Bush Joking About Iraq War Quagmire Again…
  how anorexics are created

Socialist Practical Joker Puts Thumb (Foot) On Scale of Capitalism (Scale of People’s Weight)

President Barack Obama jokingly puts his toe on the scale as Trip Director Marvin Nicholson, unaware to the President’s action, weighs himself as the presidential entourage passed through the volleyball locker room at the University of Texas in Austin, Texas, Aug. 9, 2010. That’s your prez! Always with the jokes! (When he’s not GOLFING.) Nice catch, Souza. [Flickr] Read more on Socialist Practical Joker Puts Thumb (Foot) On Scale of Capitalism (Scale of People’s Weight)…
  nutbag

Michelle Malkin Decries Scourge of Librul Comediennes Saying She Has Testes

Remember Michelle Malkin? Apparently Aisha Tyler does, because she mentioned on a radio show that she would like to kick Malkin “right in the nuts if I met her.” Michelle Malkin has seen this, has gasped and hyperventilated in horror, and does not like these funny librul ladies mocking her “sexuality,” which is apparently what you’re doing when you say a woman has testicles. “Left-wing female comedians are proving that they can be as crude and stupid as their male counterparts,” Malkin said. We must rid the world of people who joke about balls! Read more on Michelle Malkin Decries Scourge of Librul Comediennes Saying She Has Testes…
  Polite send-offs

Gettin’ Snarky With Ed Markey, America’s Ice-Chunk Comedian

Wheatgrassachusetts Congressman Ed Markey (no relation to Biz Markie) took to his MarkeyMemo to make a little joke about the big piece of ice that broke off the Petermann Glacier in northern Greenland, and what his global warmth-denying frenemies can do, thank you very much. Read more on Gettin’ Snarky With Ed Markey, America’s Ice-Chunk Comedian…
  taxpayer-funded senates

Ben Nelson Is Funnier Than Even The Funniest Black Comedians

You commies are always so upset with terrible Sen. Ben Nelson that you miss the whole friggin’ point of his existence: Ben Nelson shits humor. Think of the two funniest things ever, now. That’s right: Ben Nelson was the comedian behind both the knock-knock construction and the JFK assassination! And as the Washington Post tells us this morning, he has even more jokes that he loves to play on his humorless legislative colleagues, so as to endear himself to them. Let’s laugh at his jokes! Read more on Ben Nelson Is Funnier Than Even The Funniest Black Comedians…
  who is this clown comedian!

AL FRANKEN WANTS TO STOP THE TEEVEE: “I came to Washington to stand up to the lopsided influence of special interests on behalf of middle class Minnesota families, and opposing this merger is an opportunity to do just that. And as much as I don’t trust Comcast and NBC to be honest brokers on this deal, I am trusting you to help me build support for my positions on issues like this one. And as usual, by ‘support’ I mean ‘money.'” WHAT A CRASS JOKE FIRE HIM. [TPM] Read more on …