Tag Archives: john roberts

  Boo hoo

Supreme Court Losers Lose Their Sh*t Over Gay Marriage, And It’s Delightful

It's the end of the world! Except not
It turns out that not every single U.S. American is sexcitedly happy dancing because the Supreme Court confirmed that, per the Constitution, the Constitution is for everybody. Like, some of the justices on the Supreme Court (but not enough of them to matter, HAHAHAHA). Join us, as we read their word-weeping for their beloved institution of inequality, which is dead as fried chicken now, huzzah! Read more on Supreme Court Losers Lose Their Sh*t Over Gay Marriage, And It’s Delightful…
  Give them another five years

Every Single GOP Candidate Has A Cunning Plan To Murder Obamacare On Day One

It's like health care only different
The highest court of unelected activist judges in the whole Us of America declared, for the second time, that Obamacare haters need to hush now and take a nap because that shit is kosher, yo. Which does not mean the Republican Party or any of its “presidential” “candidates” are going to do that. The Affordable Care Act may be the super-duper twice-certified constitutional law of the land, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be repealed and replaced with something even MORE better, dunno what yet, that’s not what matters right now! Read more on Every Single GOP Candidate Has A Cunning Plan To Murder Obamacare On Day One…
  bad analogies

Dumb Guy Has Best SCOTUS Argument Against Gay Marriage: Buttsex And Abortion Are Not Crimes!

Say what now?
We have seen many laughable rationalizations for upholding bans on marriage equality over the years, and especially in the last few months before the Supreme Court rules, once and for all, that those bans are not constitutional. (Yes, that’s probably definitely we are pretty darn sure going to happen real soon.) Bigots say equality will mean the end of the world or at least make politicians get drunk and crash their boats into children. And it will cause a million more abortions and force dudes to have to explain periods to their daughters, can you EVEN IMAGINE. Read more on Dumb Guy Has Best SCOTUS Argument Against Gay Marriage: Buttsex And Abortion Are Not Crimes!…
 

Supreme Court Rams Gay-Marriage Nonsense Down Your Earholes. A Wonkette Transcriber!

It's the end of the world! Except not
Tuesday was the last chance for bigots to explain to the Supreme Court why it is constitutional to deny equal rights to gay people because you think they have icky sex. The Court had two questions to consider: First, is it okay for states to prohibit gays from doing marriage together because “tradition” and “ewww gross” and “states’ rights” and “some people don’t like it” and “WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!”? Second, is it okay for states that prohibit marriage equality to tell already gay-married gay couples from other states that their marriages do not count, because this here is Kentucky (for example) damnit, and we do not like you liberal state gay types, for America? And freedom? Read more on Supreme Court Rams Gay-Marriage Nonsense Down Your Earholes. A Wonkette Transcriber!…
  RIP Obamacare maybe?

Supreme Court Gets Another Chance To Impeach Obamacare

Maybe SCOTUS will pull the plug on grandma after all
Did you think Obamacare was settled law just because it is the law, and settled, and the Supreme Court agreed that yes, it is the law, and settled? Ha, idiots! As Republicans have been telling us since before President Obama even signed the Affordable Care Act, they will vote to repeal it as many times at it takes — so far, more than 50 — until it is gone forever. And after Tuesday’s election, Sen. Mitch McConnell and House Speaker John Boehner said AGAIN that they are going to fix all the things the president has done to destroy America by repealing Obamacare, for real this time, which will create jobs somehow, not sure how that works, Republican magic, probably. Read more on Supreme Court Gets Another Chance To Impeach Obamacare…
  Omission Accomplished

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism

He Kept Us Mostly Safe Kind Of
Well, fans of Christianist textbooks, just like in 1989, we’re just about at the end of history once again, or at least the end of our two rightwing Christian textbooks, almost. Last week, our 11/12th-grade textbook, United States History for Christian Schools (Bob Jones University Press, 2002), closed out* with a discussion of the 2000 election, so this week, we’ll rely solely on the the most fanciful textbook we’ve ever seen, A Beka’s 8th-grade America: Land I Love (2006), which advised us that George W. Bush’s “most important” qualification was that he “unashamedly identified himself as a born-again Christian” who “took a bold stand against moral evils such as abortion and gay rights.” And his presidency was almost as wonderful as Reagan’s, we learn, largely because Dubya rescued us from the horrors of the Clinton years. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism…
  hey remember obamacare?

How Obamacare, John Roberts, and Pennsylvania (Nearly) Screwed My Mom

“He said, ‘If you like your plan, you can keep your plan.’ Oh yeah?” This was my mother yelling at the president, which I hadn’t heard her do since Bush II. This was a woman who can hardly believe how much the Republican Party has changed since she registered to vote for Richard Nixon. Who voted for Obama twice. “And I would again,” she says. “I really think he’s been good.” But that night on the phone, a hundred miles away, she sounded like she was rehearsing a CPAC keynote. She reminded me of an angrier, Philly-inflected Julie Boonstra, the Michigan cancer patient whose Obamacare “horror story” gave the Koch-backed group Americans for Prosperity an undeniably effective multimedia weapon in February. I was skeptical. I knew that the Boonstra story actually ends with a Washington Post fact check finding that, far from being disadvantaged by Obamacare, Boonstra “will save more than $1,200 a year.” So, I started asking questions. And it turned out that my mom did indeed seem to be getting screwed. Read more on How Obamacare, John Roberts, and Pennsylvania (Nearly) Screwed My Mom…
  welcome to post-racial america

Whoops, Looks Like Tennessee Forgot To Stop Racisming

You know what’s wonderful? Living in a post-racial America, where everyone is judged based on the content of their character and not the color of their skin. For example: Tucker Carlson is a dick not because of his race, but because he is a cosmic turd wrapped in leaking anal polyps sent here to punish us for some unknown sin. Hell, racism is so far in The Past that John Roberts and SCOTUS said we don’t need no stinkin Voting Rights Act. But apparently Tennessee never got the memo: Read more on Whoops, Looks Like Tennessee Forgot To Stop Racisming…
  lawsplaining

Larry Klayman Just Kicking Around The Idea That John Roberts Was Blackmailed, No Big Deal

Writing about Larry Klayman has become almost a Mad Libs level of easy. We could just plug in “Klayman” and “court” and “NSA” and “Obama” and come up with a story every day that is pretty close to whatever Larry Klayman is actually talking about. Today, Larry Klayman mixes it up a bit, veering into speculating that maybe — just maybe! — Chief Justice John Roberts was blackmailed into voting to uphold Obamacare. Someone really needs to explain to Larry that (1) that’s ridiculous and (2) as a lawyer, Larry should know a little something about slander per se. Let’s lawsplain! Read more on Larry Klayman Just Kicking Around The Idea That John Roberts Was Blackmailed, No Big Deal…
  standing athwart history yelling derp

National Review So Mad Someone Let Sonia Sotomayor Race Bait All Over A Supreme Court Opinion

Earlier this week, we lawsplained at you about how the decision in Schuette v. BAMN, upholding a Michigan voter referendum banning consideration of racial preferences in college admissions, was a terrible fucking thing that was nothing but parts of the Court yelling MOB MOB RULE Y’ALL. We had hoped that would be the end of our discussion and we could go lick our wounds/make plans to move to Canada , but we forgot that Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote a dissent in the case, which meant that the racists that dwell at  National Review  had to crawl out from their spider hole and weigh in with a herp and a derp about how the Wise Latina is just too emotional to do the law stuff like the menz can. Read more on National Review So Mad Someone Let Sonia Sotomayor Race Bait All Over A Supreme Court Opinion…
  the tyranny of the majority

Super Cool Supreme Court Decision Makes Mob Rule Magically Constitutional

You know what’s cool? Mob rule. Mob rule is the new hottness. Fuck state legislatures. Fuck the courts. Screw representative democracy. Just put your votes to the people, and if the people happen to decide that they do not really dig on the gays having rights or the blahs getting ahead in life, that’s totally cool, because the majority said so! At least that’s our takeaway from today’s Supreme Court decision, Schuette v. Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action, which upheld a Michigan voter referendum that banned any consideration of racial preferences in college admissions. First, let’s lawsplain a little bit about how we got here. About a decade ago, when we still had Justice O’Connor on the court and therefore had a swing Justice who was a rational creature instead of a preening peacock like Justice Kennedy, the Court heard a case, Grutter v. Bollinger, about whether the University of Michigan law school — which is a baller top law school — could take race into account in its admissions and ensure a diverse student body. Every every everybody weighed in, mostly in favor of the University. Military leaders pointed out that diversity is critical in the officer corps to ensure effective command of a diverse enlistee military. Fortune 500 leaders said that maybe it would be nice if future business leaders were exposed to different perspectives and races so that they could be global thought leaders. And so on. Read more on Super Cool Supreme Court Decision Makes Mob Rule Magically Constitutional…
 

What Are Corporations Lying About Today?

Corporations are people, my friend, as John Roberts has previously pointed out. Chief Justice Roberts thinks those corporations’ shareholders should be able to demand disclosure of corporations’ political expenditures, and he’s pretty sure that companies will abide by their shareholders’ mandates, because what are you, a communist? So we cannot count how many times John Roberts must have uttered “Oh my stars and garters” with his pretty Harvard mouth after he read this report from Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington: The report shows companies frequently are failing to disclose what they say they will. […] In addition to the discrepancies in contribution amounts, CREW found some companies’ contributions to 527 organizations appeared to contradict their stated policies about political giving, published on their websites, in their corporate reports, and in proxy statements. All of this gets very wonky very quickly, so if you don’t know the difference between a 527 and a 501(c)(4), let us Wonksplain at you: COMPANIES PROMISED TO TELL THEIR SHAREHOLDERS IF THEY GAVE ANY MONEY TO POLITICIANS, AND THEN THEY JUST LIED INSTEAD. “Big deal,” you snark, “companies lie all the time!” Ah, correct! Your jaded worldview has won the Internet today, long may you reign. But here’s why this matters. Read more on What Are Corporations Lying About Today?…
  food glorious food

You Can No Longer Sue General Mills Even If They Serve You A Big Bowl Of E Coli

Here at Wonk we’ve been a fan of Cheerios-pushing cereal maker General Mills, both because Cheerios are fucking great and because they love the gays. But we are not really into their latest thing, which is basically telling people that if they interact with them in any way online, they’ve given up their right to sue the company. General Mills […] has quietly added language to its website to alert consumers that they give up their right to sue the company if they download coupons, “join” it in online communities like Facebook, enter a company-sponsored sweepstakes or contest or interact with it in a variety of other ways. Instead, anyone who has received anything that could be construed as a benefit and who then has a dispute with the company over its products will have to use informal negotiation via email or go through arbitration to seek relief. That is, as we say in the law profession, some bullshit. Read more on You Can No Longer Sue General Mills Even If They Serve You A Big Bowl Of E Coli…
  next step is to make them beg for treats

What Better Way To Teach Teachers Than Forcing Them To Repeat Things As If They Are Children?

Are you one of those people who think teachers are overpaid union thugs that are just lazy and work like 2 months out of the year? If so haha you are on the wrong blog and get thee to a Pajamas Media or a National Review Online ASAP. If you’re down with teachers, hang out with us and watch this terrible video that shows what teachers have to endure under the guise of “professional development.” Are you freaked out by that video, even if you do not know what professional development is? Yes you are, because you are watching a bunch of adults crammed into a children’s classroom, squished into those little kid desks, being forced to recite everything the instructor says. Read more on What Better Way To Teach Teachers Than Forcing Them To Repeat Things As If They Are Children?…
  that's so gay

Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays

Marriage is the most sacred institution of all the institutions ever instituted by god and America’s Founder Jesus “Whitey” Christ exactly 6,000 years ago. Unfortunately, members of the Grand Old Party are looking to limit the federal government’s recognition of some marriages, specifically those that involve an excessive number of dicks and those that contain no dicks at all. Texas’s Rep. Randy Weber (R-Dick) is leading the charge to “prevent the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages for couples who live in states that do not permit these unions,” according to The Hill. We here at Wonket are disappointed in such a RINO approach to gay marriage. If Weber really cared, he would be pushing for a Constitutional Amendment totally disenfranchising Americans instead of this bullshit piecemeal approach to disenfranchisement.  Read more on Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays…
  misty watercolor memories

Larry Klayman Was Very Excellent At Being Larry Klayman In 2013: A Retrospective

Did you know that when Yr Wonket counts its blessings, we count Larry Klayman first and always? You probably did not know this, but it is god’s own truth, because if there were no Larry Klayman, there would be so much less Wonket. For real, we wrote about Larry Klayman like a dozen times this year, and that only includes the times that Larry Klayman was the subject of the post rather than a bit of derp in passing. He’s a one-man litigation tornado whirlwind hurricane force of nature, and he has the great good fortune to behave remarkably stupidly even when he is not lawyering. Let’s take a fond look back at the year in Larry, shall we? Read more on Larry Klayman Was Very Excellent At Being Larry Klayman In 2013: A Retrospective…
  contender for the hyper bowl

North Carolina State Senator Hits Nazi-USSR-Terrorist Trifecta Of Obamacare Hyperbole

We’re actually a little sympathetic to North Carolina state Sen. Bob Rucho, who twattered this over the weekend. Metaphors are hard, and sometimes when you really dislike something, it’s hard not to just pile on. After all, for heaven’s sake, people have been comparing Obamacare to the Nazis, or to the gulags, for years now. So why not just slop in a little of everything? And so we learned just how bad the Supreme Court’s upholding of the ACA truly is: “Justice Robert’s pen & Obamacare has done more damage to the USA then [sic]the swords of the Nazis,Soviets & terrorists combined.” Honestly, nothing that hasn’t been said before; why is anyone disputing this? Read more on North Carolina State Senator Hits Nazi-USSR-Terrorist Trifecta Of Obamacare Hyperbole…
  no need for women's bodies to shut this thing down

Government Shutdown Saga, Part Eleventy-Flurve

Whoever said that manufacturing was dead was clearly not in the “Congressional crisis” industry. You may have thought that supply was low, or that demand was waning, but Congress is back yet again to manufacture another crisis and shove it down your throat, whether you want it or not. What are we collectively gagging on this week? Government shutdown! Hoorah! We already told you what was gonna happen if/when the government shuts down, but there are so many fun tidbits that it didn’t all fit in one post. Ready for Round 2?  Read more on Government Shutdown Saga, Part Eleventy-Flurve…
  John Roberts and Obamcare sittin' in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Rand Paul: If John Roberts Loves Obamacare So Much, He Should Gay Marry It

We are just over a week from Obamacare officially kicking off the apocalypse and destroying our freedoms and Holocausting America and blah blah frickin’ blah, and we are already looking forward to cashing in our sweet, sweet government socialized Marxist Hitlerized medicine because we are SO SICK of all the equine manure Republicans have been projectile vomiting from their faces about Obamacare. We cannot wait until Oct. 1, just so we can say, “See, the world did NOT end, we just got slightly lower health insurance premiums and slightly expanded coverage, now STFU forever!” Read more on Rand Paul: If John Roberts Loves Obamacare So Much, He Should Gay Marry It…
  At Least They Don't Wear Wigs

Antonin Scalia’s New Judicial Philosophy: Us And What Army?

Here’s a thing Justice Scalia said during oral arguments on the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act (AKA B. Hussein Soetoro’s Diktat on the Punitive Application of Collectivist Death Panels v. Bald Eagle) that is quite typical of him: “An equally evident constitutional principle is the principle that the Federal Government is a government of enumerated powers and that the vast majority of powers remain in the States and do not belong to the Federal Government. Do you acknowledge that that’s a principle?” A better question might be: Does Scalia? We are just asking because he did not mention this “principle” in his petulant dissent, best read in hisses, (pdf) in United States v. Windsor, the case where Justice Kennedy bestowed his Federal Dignity upon the gays. It’s kind of weird that Scalia didn’t bring this up, seeing as endlessly grumbling “Where in the Constitution does it say ____?” is pretty much his entire judicial philosophy. Read more on Antonin Scalia’s New Judicial Philosophy: Us And What Army?…
  ethics reviews are so hot right now

Nerd Out Nice Time: Chief Justice Roberts Does A Good Thing

Remember that time when we turned you on to the sweet sweet sounds of Edith Jones, super-racist federal judge? Well, Chief Justice Fancypants John Roberts does not like her new sound. In fact, he’s given it the never-coveted zero stars AND tacked on a formal ethics review: Chief Justice John Roberts of the U.S. Supreme Court formally ordered on Wednesday that a rare public judicial misconduct complaint against 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Edith Jones be reviewed by officials in a different circuit — one based in the nation’s capital. This is kind of a big fucking deal, you guys, because it pretty much never ever ever happens. Read more on Nerd Out Nice Time: Chief Justice Roberts Does A Good Thing…