My stars, what a fun Wonkette Weekend we are having! We decided to start posting everyday through the election after you people kept e-mailing us about how we are lazy. Well fine, you’ve got your weekend “phunnies,” lunatics, and it comes at the expense of Jesus sending us to Hell for working on a Sunday, so, um, yeah, there’s that, right? Not that any of you Muslims would understand. HA, we joke, we love posting (??) so much that we will now take a thorough look at the state of the Electoral Map for the first time in a while, for those of you who get off on incomprehensible math-porn. MORE »

HE SHOULD KNOW: Old John Murtha says Old John McCain is too old to be president. [Associated Press]

* John Boehner is not supposed to mention the immigration bill is “a piece of shit.” [On Call]
* Fred Thompson frees his son from the burden of leaching off his father’s PAC. [MoJo]
* John Murtha only eats breakfast with people whose planes he can buy. [Worldwidestandard]
* “Fucking Maureen Dowd is like launching a bottle rocket into the Grand Canyon.” [Rude Pundit]
* All you ever needed to know about political history you learned from watching Point Break. [McSweeneys]

* Robert Novak will let you call him “angel tits” if you just buy his book. [Political Wire]
* Real Christians know, “a Vote for Romney is a Vote for Satan.” [MoJo]
* Tom Friedman thinks Americans are too smart to listen to anything Lou Dobbs says. [Passport]
* John Murtha hates the war in Iraq, loves the war on drugs. [Hit & Run]
* John Edwards promises $400 haircuts for every American. [Captain's Quarters]
* Jim Lehrer senility check: He refuses to “assume the president of the U..S is lying.” Yup, lost it. [Romenesko]
* Dennis Kucinich will save the world if you’ll just say his fucking name right. [PrezVid]

* The instant Congress recognizes those Indian tribes in Virginia, you’ll get sweet, sweet “casino gambling in the Commonwealth.” [Congress Blog]
* But never hit the roulette table with Joe Trippi, that guy just can’t pick a winner. [Political Wire, On Call]
* The Politico: Reading at a 4th grade level should be no barrier to in-depth political news. [Romenesko]
* Communist John Murtha thinks everyone should have an equal opportunity to get ’sploded in Baghdad. [HuffPo]
* Staffers incessant wearing of Che Guevara themed novelty shirts proves the BBC is evil. [YouTube]
* Those presidential candidates are just so quirky. [McSweeney's]

Beloved bald eagles George and Martha thrilled Washington for years, but tragedy struck in the form of an evil eagle bitch who hated Martha. MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: Sam Farr’s offices mascot needs a name. It’s a platypus… Bush is giving the commencement address at a school in Murtha’s district. They will fight… House Taco Salad Wednesday controversy continues. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Adrian Fenty can’t stop running marathons. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Mike Love wants James Inhofe to be nicer to Al Gore, stop writing such pretentious songs… People are sarcastically vandalizing Louie Gohmert’s wikipedia page! … Bill Frist, douche, went into Cosi, grabbed free bread, left. [Examiner]
* Shenanigans: Look at a list of the ten “sexiest bachelors in Washington” and get depressed… Look at some new MySpace thing for political people and get depressed… Yvette D. Clarke hates Bob Hope. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: John Kerry obsessively checking his Amazon rank… People keep trying to make us care about Fred Thompson. [WP]

* John Edwards will make a “serious” announcement today at noon, but will continue to resent Elizabeth Edwards for life. [WP, NYT]
* “Partisan witch hunt” is on! House subpoenas K. Rova, Albeady Gonzales, JoBo, Blanche Miers and more! [WP, NYT]
* Al Gore comes back to Capitol Hill just as “shrill” and “accurate” as when he left. [WP, NYT]
* Anti-war protesters at the Capitol feel safe under the “impressive bulk” of John Murtha. [WP]
* Several of the fired attorneys were the top seed in their divisions. [USAT]
* Justice Department really has the black lung. [WP]
* Congressional budget processzzzzzzzzz. [WP]
* FDA moves to trim payola. [NYT, LAT]
* Iraq funding bill has more farm aid than Willie Nelson. [USAT]

Politico ed John Harris cops to being the guy responsible for “slow bleed,” the term that’s killed John Murtha’s Iraq-ending plan dead. He’s so guilty about it he wrote a couple hundred words noting how quickly it spread and how now everyone’s using it look at all the Nexis hits and oh woe is he he surely wouldn’t do that again! MORE »

* Dick Cheney’s sleep disturbed by exploding bombs after a long day of playing grab-ass with South Asian dictators. [WP, NYT, NYT]
* Majority of Americans bored to respond to polls favor withdrawal from Iraq. [WP]
* Hillary Clinton is “caught” under-reporting her charity activities — whatever will she do? [WP]
* Steny Hoyer is a scrappy battler who hates Pelosi, loves his dog. [WP]
* John Murtha is not trying to “slow-bleed” the troops. In fact, he wants to make sure that “it’s the president who is bleeding.” [WSJ]
* State Governors refuse to shut-up about poor kids without healthcare. [NYT]
* In the search for more money, politicians inevitably find their way back to Cali, Cali. [LAT]

* First Bush presser of ‘07 “confirms” there are Iranians in Iraq. [WP, NYT]
* This Iranian “Delta Force” is possibly operating outside of Iranian government control. Rambo couldn’t be reached for comment. [LAT]
* Debate over the Iraq “I told you so” resolution went pretty quick. Waiting for John Murtha to count up the $100 billion, however, will take longer. [WP, NYT]
* Rudy Giuliani might have to stop telling people to “get motivated” if he wants to “get elected.” [WP]
* Libby Trial bloggers almost like real reporters, but more witty. Oh so witty. [NYT]
* David Axelrod channels the political discourse of the angels, hangs with the brothers. [WP]
* With a loaded husband and a well-connected brother-in-law, you too can be a Democratic lobbyist! [WSJ]