Wonkette

He might be a young, callow religious nutball with an unhealthy testicle fixation, but Bobby Jindal is not dumb! This spring when everybody was cold speculatin’ about whether he’d be selected for Republican Vice Presidential nominee, Bobby Jindal was busy slowly backing away from the tragic band of idiots known as the McCain campaign. MORE »

For the past six months, the National Enquirer has devoted 148% of its coverage to the extramarital affairs of political types. This month’s installment brings you Cindy McCain’s torrid face-sucking antics with a “a long-haired man who resembles ‘a washed-up ’80s rock musician.’” Ugh, gross. MORE »

How many times has John McCain told this awful joke about sleeping like a baby? (He goes to sleep for two hours and wakes up crying, wokka wokka.) Answer: ONE MILLION TIMES. But now that he is not threatening to run our country, he does not seem so terrible! He is a pleasant, sassy older gentleman, the distant relative you like sitting next to at Thanksgiving dinner, until he has one too many glasses of sherry and starts telling you about the hot Jewess he dated back in Casablanca, during the war. [The Tonight Show]

Sarah Palin went on the Today show wearing the same faux-bondage pink jacket she wore the day after the whole “Wasilla hillbillies raiding Neiman Marcus” scandal broke. (This is why there will never again be a woman candidate for public office, because women’s fashion choices are so mercilessly deconstructed by evil bloggers, etc.) She talks at length about the remarks she prepared to give before John McCain’s concession speech. She worked on these remarks for a week, with some top speechwriters! But then, inexplicably, she was told to just shut her yap and stand there like a normal VP candidate while McCain gave the first and only gracious speech of his campaign. This Palin is a real firecracker. Has she thought about running for president? [MSNBC]

Remember when the election ended on Tuesday? Well, SECRET: it didn’t. Now that racist colonel Saxby Chambliss has been forced into a Senate runoff in Georgia against Democratic challenger Jim Martin (Dec. 2 — mark yr calendars!), the entire political world will descend on the former penal colony for one last romp in the swamp! John McCain has agreed to campaign for Chambliss already; Sarah Palin wants to campaign but, um, “scheduling conflicts;” and Jim Martin wants Barack Obama to come down and galvanize his merry band of black people straight to the polls! Obama has not agreed yet, however, since he now has to fix a global economy and not get us nuked. Presidents should be able to multitask though, right OBAMER? Let’s hope the reunion tour is every bit is “fun” as the general election was. [AJC]

It is 1945 all over again. A major historical War for the White House has ended forever, and the liberals won. The liberals do not usually win these things because they are scared of fighting, so who knows how this happened. Whatever. They can “govern” till the cows come home. The real story now is the new post-election Cold War that’s rapidly developing between McCain aides, Palin aides, conservative bloggers, conservative teevee hosts, conservative columnists… basically any GOP operative with a half-decent Rolodex and a certain moral flexibility. They are all shitting on each other. This is the greatest Cold War we’ve ever had the pleasure of covering. Let’s try to make some sense of it. MORE »

It does not sound like John McCain is terribly bummed about losing the election. Who can blame him? Just 72 hours ago he was staring down the barrel of four terrible years of Congressional gridlock, war, an economic depression, and co-governing with an aggressively stupid wingnut who could not manage a clothing budget, let alone an actual budget. But now John McCain can reclaim his old mantle of Noble, Doomed Loser and spend weekends at his swank Sedona ranch, quietly throwing back some of Cindy’s sedatives and plotting how he will romance his way back into journalists’ (and America’s!) hearts. MORE »

While millions of FOX News viewers were busily fantasizing about the inevitable race riots that would leave Oakland, Philly, Detroit, and Chicago in smoking ruins following Barack Obama’s crushing defeat Tuesday night, nobody thought to wonder what would become of the bitter Klingons who might be sad if Barack Obama actually won. Well, here’s your answer: they get drunk and bite people’s noses and then just sort of … fall over. MORE »

Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, a creepy-looking unlicensed handyman in Toledo, was a comical example of how desperate the McCain team became in the final two weeks of the campaign. Because this unappealing idiot was videotaped making a brief untrue claim to Barack Obama, who happened to be campaigning in Ohio near this idiot’s home, John McCain spent his final debate either talking directly through the teevee cameras to “Joe the Plumber” or grotesquely rolling his eyes and grimacing. The next day, Wurzelbacher’s story was easily proven false, and then he proceeded to embarrass the McCain campaign almost every day until, we hoped, he completely vanished forever on Tuesday. It is time to again say good-bye to this clown of lies. MORE »

Oh, America, what will we do without our Long National Election Nightmare? We’ll do what we always do: Gossip, “scoops,” Joe Biden gaffes, etc. Joe Lieberman! That will be funny, whatever happens to old anus-face. And we’ve already lost so many seemingly irreplaceable human jokes, and it turned out that they were all immediately forgettable, too: Drunken Jenna & Barbara, Krazy Katherine Harris, folksy moron “Hollywood Fred” Thompson, rat-faced fascist Rudy Giuliani in his ladies’ clothes, gay instant-message masturbator Mark Foley, all the hilarious racists such as Jesse Helms and Zell Miller and Trent Lott, etc. So we’ll soon forget all the dumb-ass attention whores who amused us this year, too. Let’s start saying good-bye, together. MORE »