In Heaven, a secret cabal meets every Shrove Tuesday to match up nutjob religious leaders with the presidential candidates they will embarrass the most. John McCain's assigned kook is pastor John Hagee, an Evangelical preacher who loves Jews, the apocalypse, and long walks on the beach, and hates Mondays, broccoli, and Catholics. So it shocked everyone today when he acted like a complete hypocrite by refusing to stand by his crazy remarks about our papist brothers and sisters.
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Latest by Lionel Hutz Esq.: Dear Catholics,
As long as we can all agree that it is the gays and uppity women fault, I will stop bringing to peoples attention that you are silly pope worshipers.
Yours,
Rev. John Hagee more »
According to learned graphology experts, Hillary Clinton is rigid and disciplined; John McCain has a fiery temper; and Barack Obama communicates well. These deep insights arrived after careful consideration of a few writing samples of each candidate, although any five-year-old who watches the news for two minutes might reach the same conclusion.
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The untouchables who sit by the Ganges plucking human waste from the river hold the most thankless job in the world. The American vice president holds the second most thankless job in the world. So it's no surprise that most senators have zero interest in the position — except for Larry Craig, who admitted in a creepily protesting-too-much fashion that "I would say 'No, Hillary.'" What are some other hilarious things America's jokester senators might say to the presidential nominees if tapped for the number two spot?
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Latest by stolichnaya: Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.)"I don't get into hypotheticals. No, I haven't considered it. I don't have a clue, honestly."
Honestly. more »
John McCain is such a maverick that he acted like a jerk to a kid who asked him a perfectly reasonable question in one of his precious Town Hall Meetings in Michigan. And then after he intimidated and belittled this very nervous child who wanted to know why he opposed the Fair Pay Act, he went on The Daily Show and referred to her as "a very attractive young woman." Horrifying video footage after the jump.
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Oh no! Condi's stuck on repeat! Or maybe shuffle! She went places, she met people... but it all seems so familiar, like she's just coasting for the next eight months or something. I don't know about you, but there are some Condi reruns I'd much rather see, so let's use the magical, revelatory power of Photoshop to pump up the Condiweek that was... after the jump, natch!
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McCAIN CAMPAIGN DUMPS DOUG GOODYEAR: "The PR executive John McCain just tapped to help run the GOP convention quit today after a report that his firm once represented the Burmese junta that is now doing little to relieve its people from the devastation incurred by this week's cyclone." [Politico]
The presumptive Republican presidential nominee may not have the money, star power, or party affiliation of his opponent, but that doesn't mean he won't win the presidency this November! He just needs to spend his wooden nickels wisely and hope that Candidate Obama has 50 more scary preachers where the first lunatic came from. Other supersecret campaign techniques after the jump.
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The enfeebled Mexican liberal John McCain might be the presumptive nominee of the Republican party, but that didn't stop about 25 percent of the Republican voters in recent primaries from casting their ballots for such worthies as Alan Keyes, Ron Paul, Mike Huckabee, and "Undecided." So how will the candidate who is barely tolerated by most of his voters and enthusiastically loathed by a significant few hope to do in the fall?
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Is this scripted? Because even if it's scripted, Roberta McCain still appears to be babbling nonsense like a 96-year-old hobo, which she is. What is this about giving John McCain 27 bottles of scotch when he was born? [YouTube]
Cindy "Cougar" McCain said on this morning's Today show that she will "never" release her tax returns, because she is "not the candidate." No, but she has all of John McCain's assets (and some more, hummina hummina hummina), and she lets him use her private jet all the time, and she has a very public position, and she steals pills from children which is a felony. [YouTube]
In this clip from last night's Daily Show, John McCain exhibits his fantastic sense of humor by saying he has selected a fictional paranoid TV dingus as his running mate. But because "Dwight Schrute" is such a difficult name to remember (particularly if you are 1,000 years old and have never stayed up past 8pm to watch a very popular television show called The Office), John McCain has to keep the name written on a piece of paper in his pocket and read it in a very slow, deliberate voice.
Everybody wants to know if John McCain is equipped to serve out a full term in office before expiring of the Old Age Vapours, so his team is assembling a squadron of doctors to vouch for his excellent physical health. This is a man who broke every bone in his body, including the little dealies in his inner ear, before having them each systematically removed and then re-inserted at a 45 degree angle in a sterile Vietnamese Torture Prison. He also had half his face cut off because of Face Cancer.
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Can you imagine waking up in Indiana this morning, eating breakfast, maybe walkin' the ol' dog, not showering, getting in your car, driving to the local elementary school to vote in the Republican primary — the party that chose its nominee months ago! — signing in, showing your ID, getting into the booth and pulling the lever for Mitt "Willard" Romney? Can you imagine doing that? Can you imagine being that person, and having to live that person's life every single day?
OMG did you hear what colored people are up to "in their churches"? Well let's have one more moment of comic/feigned outrage over what those uppity black people are saying, as the Jeremiah Wright "scandal" will be the closest any of you white people ever get to a black church. Also, uh, this is what the fancy New York magazine Vanity Fair does these days: "Mash ups" of copyrighted video from The Simpsons and the entire two minutes of Reverend Wright's wacky history of sermons, which so far we've yet to hear a single person, you know, make any sort of coherent argument against. Anyway, John McCain is Grandpa Simpson, as we will scientifically prove, after the jump.
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John McCain yesterday said that we need the "League of Nations" to deal with pressuring Iran. The League of Nations was an international organization founded after World War I and disbanded after World War II. Today, John McCain was speaking at Wake Forest University and called it "West Virginia." Tomorrow, John McCain will likely be so old that his skin won't even work anymore. [via Jonathan Martin]
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No matter who the Democrats nominate for the Presidency this fall, the candidate's sure to be a slam dunk — because as much as they hate women and black people, most American citizens would rather chew off their own arms than elect a person over the age of 70. Thus John McCain will surrender to noble Defeat in November, the victim of a cruel public that hates him for his physical frailty and weak mind.
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Arianna Huffington says John McCain told her he didn't vote for George W. Bush in 2000, and she thinks this is some indication of "how far he's fallen." It could be that, or it could be that George W. Bush had ruined his chance at the presidency by racially smearing his young daughter only months earlier. [HuffPo]
For many Mexicans today is a day to celebrate what they call "Cinco de Mayo," which is Mexican for "Huzzah." And that is precisely how "Mexico John" is spending his time today, celebrating that is, sipping on frozen margaritas and eating liberal spare ribs at his terrorist shack in Sedona. Oh, what's that? He's also launching a Mexican version of his web site, so that his family can finally read about him. [McCain Espanol]
Wonkette
In Heaven, a secret cabal meets every Shrove Tuesday to match up nutjob religious leaders with the presidential candidates they will embarrass the most. John McCain's assigned kook is pastor John Hagee, an Evangelical preacher who loves Jews, the apocalypse, and long walks on the beach, and hates Mondays, broccoli, and Catholics. So it shocked everyone today when he acted like a complete hypocrite by refusing to stand by his crazy remarks about our papist brothers and sisters.
More »
McCAIN CAMPAIGN DUMPS DOUG GOODYEAR: "The PR executive John McCain just tapped to help run the GOP convention quit today after a report that his firm 
