Strife among the Olds! The principal actor in this particular Olds Drama, as in all Olds Dramas, is the elderly peacebomber John McCain, who is something like 87 years old. Standing opposite John McCain is the corrupt League of Olds, the AARP. Once friends, now foes, after the AARP recently *ruined everything* by endorsing ObamaCare, the chief tenet of which — and you can read this for yourself in plain language, on any number of Internet sites — is to kill white women and children over 65 years old. John McCain is so furious about this endorsement that he plans to use his powers as the elected President of the United States to bomb the AARP, so as to liberate it. MORE »

Here is the latest impossibly meaningless “Fight” between Sarah Palin and John McCain. Can it still be called a fight if there are A. no stakes, and B. the participants themselves even seem a bit unwilling? Anyway! “The AP said that Palin writes about receiving a bill for about $500,000 from the McCain campaign to pay for expenses relating to the vetting process that took place before she was named as the vice presidential nominee.” McCain’s campaign says this is untrue, and also, it really doesn’t seem to be the thing that in any reality would be true! Anyway, Stapleton calls the book “embargoed”—like LITERALLY—which allows her more time than usual to come up with one of her usual lies. [CNN]

The hottest topic among nerds in recent weeks/years has been that of Net Neutrality, the backers of which would like consumers to have free reign over the Internet as opposed to, say, telecom companies determining what shit you get to look at, for how much, and at which speeds, forever. The FCC is moving forward on preparing new rules preserving Net Neutrality, which has made the telecom lobbyists FURIOUS, meaning it’s probably a good thing that the FCC is making these news rules! The lobbyists have found as their spokesman on this issue a certain John “WALNUTS!” McCain, who knows most things about the Internet and insists that these new regulations will be bad for ‘Merka. He has introduced a bill called the “Internet Freedom Act,” which would keep the Internet free for poor corporations, as opposed to those well-moneyed “average consumer” special interests. MORE »

Did any of you evil men impregnate a lady on election night? Then you probably voted for Barack Obama! (It’s a real “win-win” situation, too, because this would mean you, the liberal, were able to make the lady get an abortion — and not take care of some baby!) MORE »

War-loving Bill Kristol — in his terrifying “Quick take from The Post’s opinion writers” — thinks that it is so hilarious for Barack Obama to receive and accept the Nobel Peace Prize that he need not even write about how hilarious it is, it is just that hilarious. He has a better suggestion for a recipient, though, and that would be the person who loves war most of all: “We could note that, if the Swedes Norwegians wanted to give the Nobel Peace Prize to an American, it would have been been better to give it to Sen. John McCain for having the guts to push through the surge in Iraq, which has brought relative peace to that country. But that would be overkill. The choice is so self-evidently Not a Parody that no explanation is required or possible.” Oh, pardon moi — “ha and/or ha.” Now he will have his afternoon tea. MORE »

American Face of Evil, Sarah Palin, has “written her book.” It is a whole 400 pages of book! The first 399 pages are simply her smearing baby poop over blank pages. It smells to high heaven! The title is… wait a second, we’re just getting our cyanide pill ready here, for when the post is over, because that’s what we’re going to do, take a cyanide pill… Going Rogue: An American Life. MORE »

JOHN McCAIN cut himself (”down the highway” not “across the street”) after NAVY lost to Ohio State, at American collegiate football. Hardly a surprise, considering those dapper Navy midshipmen can’t even beat a bunch of dirty beatnik bookworms at croquet. Can you even begin to imagine how disastrous it would be if MIT challenged Navy to a game of MARIO KART? … MORE »

Ooh, an interesting interview with Cindy McCain in the latest issue of The New Yorker!… wait… the latest issue of People magazine! We learn a number of things in this feature, “Cindy McCain’s Secret Struggle with Migraines,” most notably that she has a secret struggle with migraines. They are almost as painful as a torture session in the Hanoi Hilton, she claims, in this actual real-life quote: “Torture. Being tied to a chair for four days. I can’t imagine how unbearable that pain must have been, but yeah, I can, because a migraine may come close.” Absolutely. Maybe she should ask her doctor for (= steal) some Percocet or Vicodin, to alleviate the pain? [People]

Ha ha, we love it when situations call for WALNUTS! to become the voice of reason. Here is the exact question that this old lady, let’s call her “Medicare & Social Security Teat-Suckler #1,” poses to the Man Who Would Be President: “I would like to know how the president is getting by with all of this… money… it’s against the Constitution. Doesn’t he know that we still live under a Constitution?” [WILD APPLAUSE ERUPTS AFTER THIS DISASTROUS NONSENSE] Walnuts responds that, yes, he does know this [AUDIENCE: SMUG LAUGHTER] and even dares say that Obama respects the Constitution. The audience does not care for this sentiment. [YouTube]

John McCain, who loves town halls so much that one time last summer he ORDERED Barack Obama to appear with him at 7,000 of them (and hopefully pay for them!), has “gone librul” again, now that his own party’s official anti-health reform strategy is to piss all over his favorite “American tradition” throughout August with loud catcalls and armpit farts. Why is John McCain so condescending toward “people from small towns” and their Constitutional right to act retarded at civic functions? [Twitter]

Hey B’araq, Here’s another rotten egg for your breakfast poop salad: John McCain, the elderly gentleman born and raised in Arlington, Virginia, simply will not vote for the Mexican Supreme Court lady. Everyone values John McCain’s opinions and that is why he informed America of this decision on no less a stage than the floor of the United States Senate, in a Speech. MORE »