Tag Archives: john mccain

  Vote Graham or he'll drone this dog

Lindsey Graham Running For President, Will Kill You For Your Thoughts If Elected

Dream on
Sen. Lindsey Graham, the southern gentleman from South Carolina, has been threatening for months to run for president, promising to be an excellent president for rich white men everywhere and to “literally use the military” to force Congress to do his bidding. Why does he think he can win? Who exactly does he think will vote for him? No idea, but we laughingly welcome him to the race, as he announced on Monday his intention to announce his intention to run for president, which is how presidential campaigns work nowadays. And he’s got a real optimistic Reaganesque morning in America pitch to voters: Read more on Lindsey Graham Running For President, Will Kill You For Your Thoughts If Elected…
  WALNUTS! studies abroad

John McCain Accidentally Joins Ukrainian Government, Bye John McCain!

He is very excited about his new job!
Hurray, John McCain finally gets to be president of something, and it is Ukraine! Oops that’s not right. John McCain has been appointed as a special presidential advisor in Ukraine, and either they forgot to tell him, or he applied for the job from a Craigslist ad and forgot all about it because OLD WALNUTS, but regardless, he never made sure it was allowed under Senate rules, so he may not get to become king of Ukraine after all: Read more on John McCain Accidentally Joins Ukrainian Government, Bye John McCain!…
  None Dare Call It Stupid

Oath-Keepers Founder: Let’s Hang John McCain For Being Hitler

In a better, stronger America, this sticker would be larger. Damn you, John McCain!
Hey, what are those charming Oath Keepers up to this week, as part of their Keeping of Oaths? How about the anti-government militia group’s founder, Stewart Rhodes, calling for Sen. John McCain to be tried for treason for his many crimey crimes and then “hung by the neck until dead,” maybe? Or in Militia-land, just another day of protecting America from its own elected government. Read more on Oath-Keepers Founder: Let’s Hang John McCain For Being Hitler…
  Trigger warning for GWB

George W. Bush Emerges From Spider Hole To Trash-Talk Obama’s Middle East Strategy. Really.

Fuck this guy
Ever since leaving the White House, the worst president in America’s history has mostly kept his stumbling idiot wordhole shut, because he is a man of integrity, and he would never stoop so low as to criticize President Obama, as he explained in 2009: Read more on George W. Bush Emerges From Spider Hole To Trash-Talk Obama’s Middle East Strategy. Really….
 

GOP Will Confirm Loretta Lynch For A.G. Just As Soon We Outlaw Abortion Some More

Good job, asshole
Poor Attorney General Eric Holder has been trying to quit his job since September. And you’d think, given the way Republicans hate his intestines and all his other parts too and want to impeach him for seizing all our guns, not disbanding the IRS, homo-lovin’, and blacking while black, they’d be eager to see him leave. But no, they are committed to making him attorney general for life, by refusing to hold a vote to confirm the president’s replacement nominee, Loretta Lynch. Why? Is Lynch worse than Holder? Nah, Senate Republicans have already agreed she’s fine enough, they guess, and they’d like to confirm her, no really. Maybe they’re even sorry she’s had to wait longer for confirmation than the previous seven AG nominees combined. So what’s the hold up? Payback, bitches: Read more on GOP Will Confirm Loretta Lynch For A.G. Just As Soon We Outlaw Abortion Some More…
  wtf?

Republicans Actually Say Out Loud They Are Not Loyal To America, To Pollsters, With Their Mouths

Just plain sad
After all these years of hearing So. Much. BULLSHIT! about Barack Obama — he’s a secret Muslim, he’s a secret Kenyan, he’s a cokehead, he’s a gay, he’s the devil, he’s the anti-christ, he’s Hitler, he’s a this that the other thing ARGGGHHHH! — we have no right to be shocked anymore by anything any Republicans say or do to let us know just how much they hate the president. Read more on Republicans Actually Say Out Loud They Are Not Loyal To America, To Pollsters, With Their Mouths…
  Tell us what you really think

Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck

Go on some more please!
Sen. Harry Reid (D-Boxing Ring) has rarely shied away from using his smack-talking Stern Words to smack-talk, sternly, but now that he is officially retiring at the end of this term, he really does NOT give an aerodynamic fuck at a mobile pastry. Read more on Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck…
  bless his heart

Mean Girl Lindsey Graham: Even Hillary Clinton Could Fix Iran Better Than Stupid Rand Paul

A little eye-cream could spruce up that side-eye, just saying.
The Confirmed Bachelor Prince Of The Low Country is throwing some MEAN shade at official 2016 presidential loser Rand Paul! Who’s smarter than Rand Paul when it comes to keeping Iran from getting nukes, according to Sen. Lindsey Graham? The answer is EVERYONE, including that liberal Hillary Clinton. Talking to the Face The Nation teevee program, Graham said that the only 2016 candidate who would do worse than tyrant Obama in negotiating with the Iranians is that loser Rand Paul, who hilariously announced his presidential run on Tuesday. Read more on Mean Girl Lindsey Graham: Even Hillary Clinton Could Fix Iran Better Than Stupid Rand Paul…
  You Come At The HENGHHHH? You Best Not Miss

John McCain Has An Announcement To Make Too, Pick Him, Pick Him!

My friends, my friends, my friends...FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN
After that thrilling speech by Rand Paul (mostly we just heard the trombone-voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown cartoons), are you Wonkers ready for some real excitement? Then you should probably go see a matinee of Furious 7, because this article is about John McCain announcing that he’ll run for a sixth term in the Senate. Wait! Come back! Maybe there’ll be sideboob in here somewhere! Like, not even gross old man sideboob, either. Read more on John McCain Has An Announcement To Make Too, Pick Him, Pick Him!…
  The MOST SHOCKING STORY You'll Read Today

Top Staffer For Republican Senator Resigns In Ginormous Sexxytimes Scandal!

Fun's over, fellas
In what could be the most shocking political sex scandal of the day, or at least the midafternoon lull, a top aide to Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-New Hampshire) has resigned after being caught in a disappointingly embarrassing, sad prostitution sting. There weren’t even any real prostitutes, for heaven’s sake! David Wihby, which is a really fun name to say, was Ayotte’s state director in New Hampshire and also a member and vice chair of the Manchester School board; he got caught this weekend in what sounds like the lamest sting operation ever: Read more on Top Staffer For Republican Senator Resigns In Ginormous Sexxytimes Scandal!…
  lighten up francis

Traitor Republicans: Can’t Obama And Iran Take A Joke?

Hmm, yeah, still not funny
Oh, those Republicans, just jokin’ around all the time about how President Obama was born in Kenya (still fresh!) and reads his speeches from TelePrompters (that never gets old!) and is not going to be president forever, so Iran should not even bother negotiating its nuclear program with this particular lame duck White House. Read more on Traitor Republicans: Can’t Obama And Iran Take A Joke?…
  Here have some news n stuff

Congressjerk Darrell Issa So Grateful Rudy Giuliani Finally Impugned Obama’s Patriotism

He does not even seem nice
Now that ex-mayor and forever scumbag Rudy Giuliani has finally, for the first time ever, raised the question of whether Barack Obama really and truly loves America — because that question has never been asked before — some Republicans couldn’t be happier: Read more on Congressjerk Darrell Issa So Grateful Rudy Giuliani Finally Impugned Obama’s Patriotism…
  peace in our time except for all the war

Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now

Perhaps you recall that for the last year or so, ever since those child-murdering dickbags who go by the name the Islamic State started making a nuisance of themselves in the Middle East — and we started bombing them, because America — various members of Congress have been demanding (demanding!) that the president ask them to grant him an Authorization for the Use of Military Force, basically a permission slip to do what he’s already doing anyway. Read more on Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now…
  build the dang fence around congress

Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans

He's in charge here
Some days we almost feel sorry for John Boehner, what with having to herd the feral cat farm that is the House Republican caucus while simultaneously convincing the Beltway’s Very Serious People that he, too, is a Very Serious Person who wants to Get Things Done and Has Ideas and Jobs, Jobs, Jobs. So when the feral cats are demanding that he Impeach!!!1! over the fake Benghazi scandal or the fake IRS scandal or Obamacare or not deporting all the Messicans or not having the proper amount of melanin for a POTUS, The Boehner has to find a way to mollify the raving, addled lunatics who would just as soon depose him and arrest the president for TREASON, without looking like a raving, addled lunatic himself, lest he lose the power and position he clearly holds so dear. Read more on Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans…
  No country for Lindsey Graham

Forget Bushes And Clintons: John McCain Will Start Dynasty With ‘Illegitimate Son’ Lindsey Graham

Southern gentleman and South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham appeared on “Meet the Press” on Sunday — guess John McCain was busy blah blahing on all the other Sunday shows — to say that he is definitely considering running for president if he can find enough rich white men to vote him into office. (Nope, he cannot. But he already knows that, on account of how he said so in 2012, when, in an odd moment of honesty he confessed that his beloved Grand Ol’ Party is “not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long term.”) Read more on Forget Bushes And Clintons: John McCain Will Start Dynasty With ‘Illegitimate Son’ Lindsey Graham…
  Yup this should work

Republicans Demand Obama Declare Holy War, Invade France

Good plan
It used to be that Republicans wouldn’t have to hate President Obama so much if only he had the Dad Jeans to call terrorist attacks by their rightful name, which he has never done. But that was ages ago, and now that the president, ever the appeaser, has started using the T-word for the first time ever, there’s a whole new standard. Sure, the president said the slaughter at Parisian satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo’s office was a “terrorist attack” and that his administration would “help bring these terrorists to justice.” But that’s still sort of wishy-washy in today’s even more terroristical climate, don’t you think? How do we know he really, truly understands the seriousness of a terrorist attack if he’s only willing to call it a terrorist attack? Read more on Republicans Demand Obama Declare Holy War, Invade France…
  pow! right in the kisser!

2014: The Year Bristol Palin And Her Mom, Ol’ Whatsername, Made All Our Dreams Come True

She's all out of makeup, frankly.
There’s this lady, Sarah Palin, you wouldn’t know her. She flitted through the public consciousness for a hot minute in 2008, and then was never heard from again. Haha, spoiler alert, yes she was. We’re sorry. But aside from all Sarah Palin’s usual hijinks, most of which involved either racism or grift (because like we said, “usual”), there was one glorious moment in 2014 in which all the Palin clan’s true class became as crystal clear as the finest Coors Lite. And it lasted like a month. Read more on 2014: The Year Bristol Palin And Her Mom, Ol’ Whatsername, Made All Our Dreams Come True…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: The Greatest Gift Of All

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
This week, Sarah Palin pumped out a lot of Christmas-themed content, showing us that it is truly better to give than to receive, so long as you’re giving to the Sarah Palin Channel. On closer inspection, all her Christmas videos are from the same filming session, thus further proving our theory that the Sarah Palin Channel is the most ruthlessly efficient grift going. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: The Greatest Gift Of All…
  Maybe they hate us for our stupid

Donald Trump And Fox & Friends: It’s Cool, Sydney Hostage-Takers, CIA Was ‘Just Following Orders’

YOOOOGE idiots
You may be aware of a hostage situation in a Lindt chocolate shop in Sydney, Australia. Because it appears to be politically motivated, and the gunmen have reportedly displayed an ISIS (or Muslim or Those People, who knows!) flag in the window, it is therefore the perfect opportunity for the idiots at Fox & Friends to invite Expert On All Things Donald Trump to explain this situation, and of course how it is further evidence that America now sucks, thanks a lot, Obama! Trump is an expert on Those People, and as the Fox hosts point out, he also lives near a Lindt chocolate shop. So he’s got that added personal insight. Read more on Donald Trump And Fox & Friends: It’s Cool, Sydney Hostage-Takers, CIA Was ‘Just Following Orders’…
  he looks good with a beard! no an actual beard

Jerk Obama Laughed At Michele Bachmann’s Great Idea To Bomb Iran, What A Jerk

We will always love you, The Bachmanns
via Michele Bachmann’s Facebook page Man, we are really going to miss Rep. Michele Bachmann. And not just because of her fabulous fashion sense and even more fabulous husband sense, or her riveting speeches on how much she loves God and freedom, but also because of sparkly rhinestones like this. Read more on Jerk Obama Laughed At Michele Bachmann’s Great Idea To Bomb Iran, What A Jerk…
  Rectal Infusions Of American Exceptionalism

Fox News Explains America Is The Best, So Who Cares About Torture?

This isn't about democracy, this is about politics. Which Democracy doesn't need.
The nice folks at Fox News are pretty darn angry about the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on the CIA’s post-9/11 torture program, but not about anything revealed in the report. No, the great patriots at Fox are mostly angry that the report is being released at all, especially at a time when it will distract from the very important appearance of Obamacare Archfiend Jonathan Gruber, who’s testifying before a House panel today. Obviously, the Dems are just trying to cover up the War Crimes of the Affordable Care Act by nattering on about some Muslims who got their feelings hurt. OK, and at least one guy who was a case of mistaken identity died of hypothermia, and two other guys who were tortured even though they had already worked as CIA informants. But they never called the American people stupid, now did they? You see, it’s all about priorities. Let’s see how Fox Fair And Balanced the shit out of the torture report today! Read more on Fox News Explains America Is The Best, So Who Cares About Torture?…