Tag Archives: john mccain

  Wonkette dance party

Here’s A Jaunty Gay-Hatin’ Campaign Song For Republicans, Since They Can’t Use Any Others

Republican creative type.
Republican candidates have this problem every single time they try to do campaigns. They think, “Hey, I have always loved that song by [insert artist here], I’ll use that!” And then they get a cease-and-desist letter, or a lawsuit, from the artist, saying “I hate you so much, you are not worthy of my song, you dirty disgusting wingnut.” It happened last week, when dumb Donald Trump thought it would be a good idea to use Neil Young’s “Rockin’ In The Free World” during his campaign announcement. No dice, Donald. But there is hope on the horizon! Read more on Here’s A Jaunty Gay-Hatin’ Campaign Song For Republicans, Since They Can’t Use Any Others…
  Detainees: They Can't Be Beat

Senate Votes To End Torture, Not That We Ever Did That

An elegant enhanced interrogation method from a more civilized age
As we know, the United States of America does not torture people. George Bush said we didn’t, and then Barack Obama officially ended it with an executive order, mostly, and then last fall the Senate released its report on all the torture that didn’t happen, and on Tuesday, the U.S. Senate voted to outlaw torture, which America has never done, but now we’ll really not do it ever again. Unless we decide we need to, maybe. But we almost certainly won’t, because we never have. Even though it works, and we like it! Read more on Senate Votes To End Torture, Not That We Ever Did That…
  Here have some news n stuff

Official ‘Kick Me’ Sign Now Available From Jeb! Bush Campaign Swag Shop

Jeb — sorry, Jeb! — Bush is joining the GOP clustermess, despite our sincere advice to spare himself the shame and not do that. He even has this handy logo that’s just been collecting dust in his basement since the ’90s, so might as well. And in case you haven’t heard him the first dozen times, he pinky-swears again that he is NOT going to be just like his brother: Read more on Official ‘Kick Me’ Sign Now Available From Jeb! Bush Campaign Swag Shop…
  they see him ridin' they hatin'

President Lindsey Graham Doesn’t Need First Lady, Hos Can Just Take Turns

The Lindsey Graham Sex Game Show, Starring Lindsey Graham
Confirmed bachelor and official ladies’ man Sen. Lindsey Graham, who is under the impression he is running for president, got asked a real tough question Tuesday: Hey, since you don’t have a pretty, doting wife, who will be the First Lady of America when you are president? Graham’s answer was very bad! No for serious, this is what he said, to the Daily Mail: Read more on President Lindsey Graham Doesn’t Need First Lady, Hos Can Just Take Turns…
  Send Lawyers Guns And Money. Mostly Money

Arizona Muslim-Hater Needs $10 Million To Save His Family, Mean GoFundMe Won’t Let Him Have It

Poor bastard can't even afford a shirt
Great American Patriot Jon Ritzheimer has had a wonderful and terrible week. He’s the nice fellow with the “Fuck Islam!” t-shirt who organized that big “Free Speech (and Hate Islam) Rally” at the Islamic Community Center of Phoenix last Friday, where armed idiots showed up to exercise their sacred right to be dicks, and to prove that Islam is very scary. Happily, the rally came off without anyone getting shot, thanks to a huge police presence. Oh, but Mr. Ritzheimer is now in fear for his life, because some idiots on Twitter threatened him, and now he needs to go into hiding to save his family, so would you all please donate to his GoFundMe? He figures $10 million should be enough to tide him over. Read more on Arizona Muslim-Hater Needs $10 Million To Save His Family, Mean GoFundMe Won’t Let Him Have It…
  war

Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!

Nope.
Dignified and genteel Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Other Southern White Guys) announced today that he will be seeking to lose the presidential election to Hillary Clinton, and he has two messages for US Americans: 1. He is the toughest, most badassed dude in the race, and all the foreigns are terrified of him; and 2. He is The Moderate Candidate who will bring Americans together, after our eight-year nightmare with the divisive Kenyan Socialist Commie named B. Hussein Obama. Read more on Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!…
  They hate us for our freedoms or maybe just Rand Paul

Hero Rand Paul Saves America From NSA Spying, At Least Until Tuesday

I'm here to protect your freedom or at least ask for your vote
The Senate took the highly unusual step of working on the weekend to pass the USA Freedom Act — after it failed to do so and took a whole week off for Memorial Day anyway, like all regular Americans do. But while Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had wanted to pass a clean bill to protect our freedoms from the terrorists who want to read all our sexts and listen to our phone calls — oh wait, that’s the National Security Agency, not the terrorists, whatever — one brave senator stood in the way and blocked the bill, for freedom or at least for grandstanding and fundraising for his laughable presidential campaign: Read more on Hero Rand Paul Saves America From NSA Spying, At Least Until Tuesday…
  Not so excellent news for him though

Excellent News! John McCain Might Get His Butt Kicked, By A Girl

Not a good day to be John McCain
The crusty old crankypants senior senator from Arizona — who will never give up! never surrender! never stop being SO GODDAMNED BITTER about that time he didn’t get to be president, and then that other time he didn’t get to be president — has a problem, and that problem is that nobody likes him at all. (Except for his bastard son Sen. Lindsey Graham, but he doesn’t count, because no one likes him either.) But for reals, pretty much everyone hates John McCain. Democrats, obviously, but even in McCain’s blood red home state, he is WAY unpopular, as a recent poll shows: 71 percent of “very conservative” conservatives think he is sucking at his job like a porn star, but not in a good way. So it’s EXCELLENT NEWS for people who are not John McCain that Democratic Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick has announced she will save you, Arizona, from another six years of John McCain sucking on your behalf: Read more on Excellent News! John McCain Might Get His Butt Kicked, By A Girl…
  Vote Graham or he'll drone this dog

Lindsey Graham Running For President, Will Kill You For Your Thoughts If Elected

Dream on
Sen. Lindsey Graham, the southern gentleman from South Carolina, has been threatening for months to run for president, promising to be an excellent president for rich white men everywhere and to “literally use the military” to force Congress to do his bidding. Why does he think he can win? Who exactly does he think will vote for him? No idea, but we laughingly welcome him to the race, as he announced on Monday his intention to announce his intention to run for president, which is how presidential campaigns work nowadays. And he’s got a real optimistic Reaganesque morning in America pitch to voters: Read more on Lindsey Graham Running For President, Will Kill You For Your Thoughts If Elected…
  WALNUTS! studies abroad

John McCain Accidentally Joins Ukrainian Government, Bye John McCain!

He is very excited about his new job!
Hurray, John McCain finally gets to be president of something, and it is Ukraine! Oops that’s not right. John McCain has been appointed as a special presidential advisor in Ukraine, and either they forgot to tell him, or he applied for the job from a Craigslist ad and forgot all about it because OLD WALNUTS, but regardless, he never made sure it was allowed under Senate rules, so he may not get to become king of Ukraine after all: Read more on John McCain Accidentally Joins Ukrainian Government, Bye John McCain!…
  None Dare Call It Stupid

Oath-Keepers Founder: Let’s Hang John McCain For Being Hitler

In a better, stronger America, this sticker would be larger. Damn you, John McCain!
Hey, what are those charming Oath Keepers up to this week, as part of their Keeping of Oaths? How about the anti-government militia group’s founder, Stewart Rhodes, calling for Sen. John McCain to be tried for treason for his many crimey crimes and then “hung by the neck until dead,” maybe? Or in Militia-land, just another day of protecting America from its own elected government. Read more on Oath-Keepers Founder: Let’s Hang John McCain For Being Hitler…
  Trigger warning for GWB

George W. Bush Emerges From Spider Hole To Trash-Talk Obama’s Middle East Strategy. Really.

Him?
Ever since leaving the White House, the worst president in America’s history has mostly kept his stumbling idiot wordhole shut, because he is a man of integrity, and he would never stoop so low as to criticize President Obama, as he explained in 2009: Read more on George W. Bush Emerges From Spider Hole To Trash-Talk Obama’s Middle East Strategy. Really….
 

GOP Will Confirm Loretta Lynch For A.G. Just As Soon We Outlaw Abortion Some More

Good job, asshole
Poor Attorney General Eric Holder has been trying to quit his job since September. And you’d think, given the way Republicans hate his intestines and all his other parts too and want to impeach him for seizing all our guns, not disbanding the IRS, homo-lovin’, and blacking while black, they’d be eager to see him leave. But no, they are committed to making him attorney general for life, by refusing to hold a vote to confirm the president’s replacement nominee, Loretta Lynch. Why? Is Lynch worse than Holder? Nah, Senate Republicans have already agreed she’s fine enough, they guess, and they’d like to confirm her, no really. Maybe they’re even sorry she’s had to wait longer for confirmation than the previous seven AG nominees combined. So what’s the hold up? Payback, bitches: Read more on GOP Will Confirm Loretta Lynch For A.G. Just As Soon We Outlaw Abortion Some More…
  wtf?

Republicans Actually Say Out Loud They Are Not Loyal To America, To Pollsters, With Their Mouths

Just plain sad
After all these years of hearing So. Much. BULLSHIT! about Barack Obama — he’s a secret Muslim, he’s a secret Kenyan, he’s a cokehead, he’s a gay, he’s the devil, he’s the anti-christ, he’s Hitler, he’s a this that the other thing ARGGGHHHH! — we have no right to be shocked anymore by anything any Republicans say or do to let us know just how much they hate the president. Read more on Republicans Actually Say Out Loud They Are Not Loyal To America, To Pollsters, With Their Mouths…
  Tell us what you really think

Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck

Go on some more please!
Sen. Harry Reid (D-Boxing Ring) has rarely shied away from using his smack-talking Stern Words to smack-talk, sternly, but now that he is officially retiring at the end of this term, he really does NOT give an aerodynamic fuck at a mobile pastry. Read more on Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck…
  bless his heart

Mean Girl Lindsey Graham: Even Hillary Clinton Could Fix Iran Better Than Stupid Rand Paul

A little eye-cream could spruce up that side-eye, just saying.
The Confirmed Bachelor Prince Of The Low Country is throwing some MEAN shade at official 2016 presidential loser Rand Paul! Who’s smarter than Rand Paul when it comes to keeping Iran from getting nukes, according to Sen. Lindsey Graham? The answer is EVERYONE, including that liberal Hillary Clinton. Talking to the Face The Nation teevee program, Graham said that the only 2016 candidate who would do worse than tyrant Obama in negotiating with the Iranians is that loser Rand Paul, who hilariously announced his presidential run on Tuesday. Read more on Mean Girl Lindsey Graham: Even Hillary Clinton Could Fix Iran Better Than Stupid Rand Paul…
  You Come At The HENGHHHH? You Best Not Miss

John McCain Has An Announcement To Make Too, Pick Him, Pick Him!

My friends, my friends, my friends...FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN
After that thrilling speech by Rand Paul (mostly we just heard the trombone-voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown cartoons), are you Wonkers ready for some real excitement? Then you should probably go see a matinee of Furious 7, because this article is about John McCain announcing that he’ll run for a sixth term in the Senate. Wait! Come back! Maybe there’ll be sideboob in here somewhere! Like, not even gross old man sideboob, either. Read more on John McCain Has An Announcement To Make Too, Pick Him, Pick Him!…
  The MOST SHOCKING STORY You'll Read Today

Top Staffer For Republican Senator Resigns In Ginormous Sexxytimes Scandal!

Fun's over, fellas
In what could be the most shocking political sex scandal of the day, or at least the midafternoon lull, a top aide to Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-New Hampshire) has resigned after being caught in a disappointingly embarrassing, sad prostitution sting. There weren’t even any real prostitutes, for heaven’s sake! David Wihby, which is a really fun name to say, was Ayotte’s state director in New Hampshire and also a member and vice chair of the Manchester School board; he got caught this weekend in what sounds like the lamest sting operation ever: Read more on Top Staffer For Republican Senator Resigns In Ginormous Sexxytimes Scandal!…
  lighten up francis

Traitor Republicans: Can’t Obama And Iran Take A Joke?

Hmm, yeah, still not funny
Oh, those Republicans, just jokin’ around all the time about how President Obama was born in Kenya (still fresh!) and reads his speeches from TelePrompters (that never gets old!) and is not going to be president forever, so Iran should not even bother negotiating its nuclear program with this particular lame duck White House. Read more on Traitor Republicans: Can’t Obama And Iran Take A Joke?…
  Here have some news n stuff

Congressjerk Darrell Issa So Grateful Rudy Giuliani Finally Impugned Obama’s Patriotism

He does not even seem nice
Now that ex-mayor and forever scumbag Rudy Giuliani has finally, for the first time ever, raised the question of whether Barack Obama really and truly loves America — because that question has never been asked before — some Republicans couldn’t be happier: Read more on Congressjerk Darrell Issa So Grateful Rudy Giuliani Finally Impugned Obama’s Patriotism…
  peace in our time except for all the war

Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now

Perhaps you recall that for the last year or so, ever since those child-murdering dickbags who go by the name the Islamic State started making a nuisance of themselves in the Middle East — and we started bombing them, because America — various members of Congress have been demanding (demanding!) that the president ask them to grant him an Authorization for the Use of Military Force, basically a permission slip to do what he’s already doing anyway. Read more on Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now…
  build the dang fence around congress

Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans

He's in charge here
Some days we almost feel sorry for John Boehner, what with having to herd the feral cat farm that is the House Republican caucus while simultaneously convincing the Beltway’s Very Serious People that he, too, is a Very Serious Person who wants to Get Things Done and Has Ideas and Jobs, Jobs, Jobs. So when the feral cats are demanding that he Impeach!!!1! over the fake Benghazi scandal or the fake IRS scandal or Obamacare or not deporting all the Messicans or not having the proper amount of melanin for a POTUS, The Boehner has to find a way to mollify the raving, addled lunatics who would just as soon depose him and arrest the president for TREASON, without looking like a raving, addled lunatic himself, lest he lose the power and position he clearly holds so dear. Read more on Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans…