Tag Archives: john kerry

  dehydration makes you stupid

Marco Rubio Says Dumb Words About Iran, Is Dumb And Stupid. Huh!

Stay thirsty, my friends
Florida Senator Marco “Polo” Rubio, your next president in his own head, is a self-styled Deep Thinker and Very Serious Person™, and as such, he has Concerns with the deal “President” Obama is negotiating with Iran. (Of course Rubio, a vacuous cypher, was one of the 47 traitors Republican senators who sent that har-har-just-kidding letter telling Iran that the fake president’s negotiations don’t really count, and of course he tried to raise money off of it.) Read more on Marco Rubio Says Dumb Words About Iran, Is Dumb And Stupid. Huh!…
  Omission Accomplished

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism

He Kept Us Mostly Safe Kind Of
Well, fans of Christianist textbooks, just like in 1989, we’re just about at the end of history once again, or at least the end of our two rightwing Christian textbooks, almost. Last week, our 11/12th-grade textbook, United States History for Christian Schools (Bob Jones University Press, 2002), closed out* with a discussion of the 2000 election, so this week, we’ll rely solely on the the most fanciful textbook we’ve ever seen, A Beka’s 8th-grade America: Land I Love (2006), which advised us that George W. Bush’s “most important” qualification was that he “unashamedly identified himself as a born-again Christian” who “took a bold stand against moral evils such as abortion and gay rights.” And his presidency was almost as wonderful as Reagan’s, we learn, largely because Dubya rescued us from the horrors of the Clinton years. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism…
  reunited and it feels so good

Are You Ready For Make-Up Sex With Mitt Romney, America?

America, are you ready to take a chance again? Are you ready to have the white-hot flames of passion lick at your nether regions? Are you pining for a real man who will sweep you off your feet? Are you wishing you’d never lost that lovin’ feeling? Then America, you are so ready for the Mitt Romney resurgence. Yes, Mitt is back, baby, and he is blander than ever. Read more on Are You Ready For Make-Up Sex With Mitt Romney, America?…
  clipbait

John Lewis Reads Maya Angelou, Because You Forgot To Cry Yesterday

Last night on CBS Evening News, they closed with a lovely little segment of famous — and non-famous — people reading snippets of Maya Angelou’s “I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.” We were worried that we were including a bit too much Maya, since we had two pieces yesterday, but then we remembered there is no such thing as too much Maya. Read more on John Lewis Reads Maya Angelou, Because You Forgot To Cry Yesterday…
  Judgment Day. Also Judge Dredd.

Louie Gohmert Fears John Kerry Is A Wizard Who Has Cursed Israel And Will Bring God’s Wrath Upon U.S.

GOHMERT!
Louie Gohmert, always on the lookout to prevent the doom of our nation, is extremely upset with John Kerry for having suggested that maybe it is a bad thing the way they treat the Palestinians and that maybe they should stop and sign a peace treaty before it goes further and they have Apartheid. Which they already kind of do. He feels he must warn us now that Kerry is obviously an evil wizard who has put a curse/hex/mahlook on Israel and who will stop at nothing to bring about God’s Wrath Upon America. Luckily for Israel, my sainted Nonnie swears that first part can be dealt with by dropping some olive oil into water and praying to the Virgin Mary, but what of us? Read more on Louie Gohmert Fears John Kerry Is A Wizard Who Has Cursed Israel And Will Bring God’s Wrath Upon U.S….
  clipbait

Rachel Maddow Brings You Louie Gohmert’s Asparagus, John McCain’s Peener Joke, And Anarchy in the Ukraine

So this was kind of surreal: Rachel Maddow tossed together three mostly-unrelated clips with the excuse of illustrating “three stages of political conflict that fall short of an actual war.” As analysis, it’s a bit superficial, at best, but as a framing device for three disparate instances of weirdass political conflict, it gets the job done, aight. Oh, but those clips — there’s some prime assholery on display here, starting with Louie Gohmert’s huffing last year about how Eric Holder had “cast aspersions on my asparagus” — yes, that is what the man said, and god only knows why. Then today, Holder brought up the asparagus all over again, so to speak. And it was beautiful. Read more on Rachel Maddow Brings You Louie Gohmert’s Asparagus, John McCain’s Peener Joke, And Anarchy in the Ukraine…
  barry and frankie were lovers

Barack Obama Meets New Pope, Converts Him To Islam

Did you all know Barack Obama is gallivanting around the world, telling the Hague he is going to blow up Manhattan we think (?) and then jetting off to see his fellow communist, New Pope, Francis I? Who does he think he is? Russell Crowe? We did not even know our Barry was gone, since all the news has been on Michelle Obama’s jaunts to Communist China, where she is probably executing pro-democracy forces for sport, with tigers maybe. Which brings us to the important question: Are Barack Obama and Michelle Obama even allowed to be out of the country at the same time? What about the succession? WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE? (It is Al Haig.) Read more on Barack Obama Meets New Pope, Converts Him To Islam…
  larouche larouche larouche is on fire

LaRouchite Lady Running In Texas Unclear How Elections And Hitler Comparisons Work

Remember the Golden Era of Lyndon LaRouche circa the mid-1980s where you couldn’t go anywhere without getting accosted by the LaRouche people sporting that weird shiny glimmer in the eye that is the sign of a true believer zealot? Do you miss them now that there are only random pockets of LaRouchiness happening in the world? Don’t be sad! If you mosey on down to Texas, you can get a full-on dose of LaRouche from Kesha Rogers, who is running for John Cornyn’s seat as a Democrat and managed to pull enough votes to force a runoff in the primary. Kesha Rogers expects her Senate platform of impeaching President Barack Obama and repealing Obamacare to carry her to victory in the Texas Democratic primary — and said that Obama’s support for “Nazis in Ukraine” makes him like Hitler. Rogers, an acolyte of the cultish fringe political icon Lyndon LaRouche, was able to make it to the runoff in the Democratic primary for Sen. John Cornyn’s (R-TX) seat with 21.7 percent of the vote in Tuesday’s primary. She now faces dentist David Alameel to get the nomination and face Cornyn. Democrats, fearing Rogers as the Democratic nominee, have actively worked try and stop her from making it past the primary. She sounds like she has a great grasp of foreign AND domestic policy! Read more on LaRouchite Lady Running In Texas Unclear How Elections And Hitler Comparisons Work…
  john mccain in planes falls mainly on ukraine

Sarah Palin Was Right About That Putin, Rootin’ And Tootin’ All Over Ukraine

One day, 17 or 8 or 92 years ago, when wise and beneficent Leadership Shower Sarah Palin was first becoming the national Thought Leader we know and know today, she said a thing, and that thing was that Barack Nobummer was such a weak homosexual girly man (paraphrase) that Vladimir Putin would do sex in his bottom (Nobummer’s bottom) and then he would invade Crimea. That is, Putin would invade Crimea, obviously, since to invade Crimea you have to BE a MAN. Well Sarah Palin would like you to know that she was right, IDIOTS, and who is even laughing now! Also, she added, “flimmer globbin salumission anye enya rumi raffi tinkywinky dipsy laa-laa po spiritu christo jeanne claude OW!” because that was when the copperhead that she was handlin’ for Jesus struck. Read more on Sarah Palin Was Right About That Putin, Rootin’ And Tootin’ All Over Ukraine…
  pope and change

Comrade Obama To Meet Comrade New Pope, Plot Together To FEMA Camp All Capitalists

Rejoice, Comrades! Commissar of State John Kerry said today that Comrade Obama and Comrade New Pope will meet “at some point in the near future.” The glorious coming together of the God King of Islamic Marxism and the Papist Enemy of the Free Market is expected to mark the start of a worldwide People’s Revolution, or at least to result in a veritable frothgasm of rightwing butthurt. Read more on Comrade Obama To Meet Comrade New Pope, Plot Together To FEMA Camp All Capitalists…
  the cause of and solution to all diplomatic problems

Obama’s State Department Full Of Gutter Alcoholics

We are in the wrong bidness. For serious, we thought that blogging meant we could be drunk all the time (check), work in our pajamas (check), and rant semi-coherently with terible grammer (check and check). BUT YOU GUYS, we are officially quitting and joining the State Department, because you gotta see their benefits. As the government shutdown neared, the State Department splurged on $180,000 worth of liquor. Booze. Mommyblogger’s little helper. Whatever you want to call it. And that’s only PART of their liquor total for the year, which topped $400,000. Fuck this blogging shit — we are moving to Foggy Bottom to live the good life with Secretary Kerry.  Read more on Obama’s State Department Full Of Gutter Alcoholics…
  how is diplomacy formed?

White House Will Happily Pretend Yesterday’s Syria Breakthrough Was Their Plan All Along

We watched Storage Wars last night instead of the President’s address on Syria, but we read the transcript and we give it a B. Hit the right marks, soaring rhetoric kinda phoned-in. So now let’s commence the giving of mad Syria props because the new narrative is that they solved it with a year of brilliant diplomacy and derring-do. Cool narrative, right? If it’s your bag, here is what you’ll have to believe in order to construct a reality in which Obama and his team did a great job on Syria, and that’s why Assad says he’ll give up his chemical weapons: Read more on White House Will Happily Pretend Yesterday’s Syria Breakthrough Was Their Plan All Along…
  how to succeed in foreign affairs without really trying

Obama, Kerry Are Idiot Savants Of Foreign Policy As Syria Agrees To Surrender Chemical Weapons Like Soonish

The story so far: Barack Obama said: “I am terrible at foreign policy, therefore I will say a bunch of stuff I only half-mean, such as that there’s a red line, and that I’m going to bomb everybody, but it will be obvious I don’t want to, and everyone will think I’m a moron.” Then John Kerry said: “I am even worse at foreign policy than the president and I can say definitively that what is about to happen will never happen.” (KERRY: “[Assad] could turn over every single bit of his chemical weapons to the international community in the next week … He isn’t about to do it, and it can’t be done, obviously.”) Then — HUH!? — Syria said: “Here, actually you can have all our chemical weapons that we did not use and would never use, we are pretty good at murdering people without them after all.” Then Russia said: “We are relevant again!” Then John McCain said: “I would still like to bomb somebody, please.” Read more on Obama, Kerry Are Idiot Savants Of Foreign Policy As Syria Agrees To Surrender Chemical Weapons Like Soonish…
  bombast from the past

Pat Buchanan Wants To Know ‘Just Whose War Is This?’ Spoiler Alert: The Jews The Jews The Jews (And The Saudis)

Oh, Pat Buchanan, you must be having a fine old time with this Syria thing. There’s a crisis in the Middle East, so let’s see if we can possibly look behind the curtain and see who’s REALLY driving the agenda, because of course it can’t simply be the Obama Administration scrambling to come up with something to do in response to a gas attack on civilians. And you will never in a million years guess who Pat Buchanan, writing for serious journalism outlet WND, thinks is behind the push for military action against Syria, unless you read our headline: SCARY FOREIGNERS AND JEWS. Read more on Pat Buchanan Wants To Know ‘Just Whose War Is This?’ Spoiler Alert: The Jews The Jews The Jews (And The Saudis)…
  know when to hold em know when to fold em

John McCain: Poker? He Doesn’t Even … Oh Never Mind

Remember that time John McCain went on all the teevees to yell about how we really needed to be having some very important classified meetings about BENGHAZI!!!!11!!1, at the exact same time some very important classified meetings about BENGHAZI!!!!!11!!1 were actually happening? Well, fool him once, won’t get fooled again, because this time he actually showed up by God, just don’t think that that meant he was going to, like, pay attention or something. Syria what now?  Please, John McCain has gotten himself one of them crazy iphone thingies and man, there is POKER on there, and who cares about Syria any way???? Read more on John McCain: Poker? He Doesn’t Even … Oh Never Mind…
  we call it riding the gravy train

Pennsylvania’s Screaming Parody Of A Wingnut Police Chief Now Too Radical For ‘Oath Keepers’

So you remember that charming young man, Mark Kessler, the police chief for Gilberton, Pennsylvania? He’s the guy who wants to “cleanse” America of all the enemies of liberty, like libtards who all “take it in the ass.” He also posted a video where he shot up targets that he labeled “Nancy Pelosi” and “John Kerry” and so on, but he also says he’s not in favor of armed rebellion, at least not just yet. That guy. Well since we are in the mood today for updates, how about an update on Chief Asshat? Yes, please, Salon’s Alex Seitz-Wald, we would read that! We bet this guy just has a million wingnut supporters coming out of the woodwork… Meanwhile, a group of pro-gun law enforcement and military officials with whom Kessler has aligned himself say they want nothing to do with the chief. “Chief Kessler is not working with Oath Keepers, nor is Oath Keepers working with him,” Elias Alias, who sits on the Oath Keeper’s board of directors, said in an email to Salon. Oh no…the libtards have gotten to the Oath Keepers, too! It’s the only possible conclusion! (Also, “Elias Alias” is totally a name for a punk rock singer, not a militia guy.) Read more on Pennsylvania’s Screaming Parody Of A Wingnut Police Chief Now Too Radical For ‘Oath Keepers’…