Tag Archives: john kerry

  the fresh new face that everyone's talking about

Sen. Mo Cowan Becomes Most Prestigious Temp In Massachusetts

Hey, Barney Frank! We know you rilly wanted to be appointed to the Senate seat being vacated by John Kerry’s being appointed Secretary of State, and you’re kind of bummed that you didn’t get it, so we have a joke to cheer you up! Knock-Knock! For Christ’s sake, what is this, are you enfeebled? Naw, c’mon, Congressman, we love ya, play along! Knock! Knock! Oh, all right…Who’s there? The Interrupting Cowan! The Interrupting Co… MO!!!! Which is to say, we know fuck-all about newly appointed Sen. William “Mo” Cowan, so we will cut and paste some stuff from the Boston Globe story about him, like he was previously Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick’s former chief of staff, he will be a genuine caretaker senator, because he is not planning to run for the seat in the upcoming June 25 special election, and he is 43 years old (but looks like he just graduated or something. We didn’t look that good at 43). Also, after just three weeks, Elizabeth Warren is suddenly the state’s senior senator, which should be good for a bar bet somewhere. Read more on Sen. Mo Cowan Becomes Most Prestigious Temp In Massachusetts…
  that's a clown question bro

Idiot Senator Complains About Lack Of Benghazi Briefings He Skipped, Just Like The Other Idiots (UPDATE!)

Come on. What difference does it make that Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson, last seen getting clowned by Hillary Clinton, wasn’t at the intelligence briefing on Benghazi? At John Kerry’s somnolent confirmation hearing for Secretary of State on Thursday, Kerry showed up Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Galt’s Gulch), on the latter’s very serious public crusade to get to the bottom of the killing of the American Ambassador in Benghazi — revealing that Johnson himself didn’t attend the intelligence briefing. (SEE UPDATE BELOW.) Perhaps he was busy at the press conference where Walnuts, Graham, and whatsername, WHERE’STHEGIRL, were complaining that they weren’t getting intelligence briefings, while the intelligence briefing was going on. Read more on Idiot Senator Complains About Lack Of Benghazi Briefings He Skipped, Just Like The Other Idiots (UPDATE!)…
  teh stupid stands alone

NRO: Allies? We Don’t Need No Stinking Allies

Dear lord we already have Hagel fatigue. We already had to pretend that the GOP suddenly cares about gay rights and therefore Hagel = root of all evil. We have to listen to John McCain concern troll the hell out of the nomination because he will never ever not be butthurt about losing to Bamz in 2008. We have RealDoll Ted Cruz (no, really. Go look at the fucking photo at the upcoming link. He is made of wax) declaring that Hagel is unacceptable because he won’t get tough with Iran, which in turn will make us go to war with Iran. Best of all, we have the explanation that you have to oppose Hagel (and Kerry) because if you don’t, it just looks like the Republicans hated Rice because she is a brown lady person: Read more on NRO: Allies? We Don’t Need No Stinking Allies…
  thufferin' thuccotash

Barney Frank Talks To Table

It is sort of hard to hear what Barney Frank is saying here, when asked if he would take an appointment to John Kerry’s Senate seat from Massachusetts, because he lisps — YEAH, WE SAID IT — so we will just copy-paste this transcription from Politico, thank you Politico: Read more on Barney Frank Talks To Table…
  a very special special election

Obama Nominates Kerry, Nation Collectively Shrugs

Hi people of Massachusetts! Did you enjoy your brief flirtation with having two Democratic senators like a goddamn blue state should? Welp, that’s over thanks to the Kenyan socialist pretender! After some incredibly boring speculation, it looks like hangdog-faced John Kerry will be your new Secretary of State, America!! GET EXCITED: Read more on Obama Nominates Kerry, Nation Collectively Shrugs…
  don't go away mad just go away

Harry Reid Now Just Being Mean To Scott Brown For Fun

We’ll say this for Mitt Romney: He sure sets a low bar for the behavior of supposedly moderate Massachusetts Republicans! For instance, after Mitt spent a conference call with his big donors whining about how Barack Obama won the election by championing policies that will benefit Americans, Scott Brown’s post-loss press conference, where he (no doubt sullenly) mouthed platitudes about “bipartisanship,” looked positively statesmanlike. But that didn’t stop Harry Reid from just cold talking smack to reporters about what a dick Scott Brown was. Will Harry Reid regret this, when Scott Brown is inevitably re-elected to the Senate, in a month or two? Read more on Harry Reid Now Just Being Mean To Scott Brown For Fun…
  jill kelley for dod obvs

Senate Republicans To Swift Boat John Kerry All Over Again, For Larfs

So Hillary Clinton is going to leave the State Department some day, and on that day the Great Impostor is going to need to find someone to replace her. Who else has the kind of 24-hour energy, common sense, and danciness to replace her? Maybe Ellen? No, not Ellen, Ellen can’t get through the Senate, because she loves muff. But everybody has been talking about former total loser John Kerry for State, ever since he gave that DNC speech that was hilarious and did not suck, but now they are saying no, not State because that is where Susan Rice will lose her confirmation vote instead, but rather the Department of Defense instead, we guess? Because the Washington Post said so, and the Washington Post is the White House’s “draft email folder” for sending Congress sexts. Read more on Senate Republicans To Swift Boat John Kerry All Over Again, For Larfs…
  Ghost in the Voting Machine

Election 2012: Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid

Here is your Halloween Horror Story Scary Post! Victoria Collier has a terrifying account of electoral spookiness in the current Harper’s Magazine.* Spoiler alert: Collier suggests that it is entirely possible that the GOP will be able to rig computerized voting machines to ensure that Mitt Romney wins the Presidency…and further, there’s no way to tell for sure whether a Romney victory is the result of a legitimate vote count, or out-and-out electronic fraud. This is one of those stories where you can’t help wondering just how paranoid to be. On the one hand, Collier has solid evidence that something nasty could be happening in the computer shed. On the other hand, there’s no definite proof that it has happened…just lots and lots of suspicious maybe-traces. And nobody wants to be relegated to the tinfoil-hat brigade, which feels like the near-certain result of insisting that there’s a big ol’ conspiracy out there. Read more on Election 2012: Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid…
  taylor kitsch fan-fic

Mitt Romney Explains ‘Fictional Football Team Show’ Friday Night Lights To Hu-Mans

Well, we thought this story from Politico was another of their hilarious Roger Simonesque fan-fics (like the time, unlinkable for now, when he had literally everyone but your Wonket believing Paul Ryan calls Miffed Romney “Stench”). But no! As far as we can tell it is not a joke! Behold, Mitt Romney explaining a fictional football team show! Read more on Mitt Romney Explains ‘Fictional Football Team Show’ Friday Night Lights To Hu-Mans…
  take the hit

Romney’s Tax Man Cometh

Poor, poor Mitt. He and his dancing horse have been having a tough go of it lately. Turns out he may (or may not!) have lied to the SEC about the good times he had at Bain capital between 1999 and 2002, presiding over the disposal of dead fetuses unborn babies before retroactively retiring. Then a bunch of conservatives went on the teevee and demanded that he release more than two years’ of tax returns, except for the Governor of Alabama, who had just said that he thought that PEOPLE, not ROMNEY in particular, just PEOPLE should release their tax returns because of transparency. Even our favorite sexist morning show host Joe Scarborough (no offense to our second favorite sexist morning show host, Steve Doocy!) thinks Romney might have not paid any taxes for a couple years, but that he should just release them anyway and “take the hit.” But this tax returns business is just SILLINESS, because no matter how many tax returns he releases, “it won’t be enough!” It will just give the Obama people more fodder for their lies and distortions. And also, Teresa Kerry (who wasn’t running for president) didn’t release hers and “this wasn’t an issue” (except it was) so why should he, Mitt Romney, lord of the Free Market, master of time, and possessor of a record that is all about winning the future, have to release his? Read more on Romney’s Tax Man Cometh…
  massholes

John Kerry To Play Fellow Tall, Limp Massachusetts Patrician Mitt Romney In Debate Practice

John Kerry’s back on the presidential debate stage! He told you bums that he’d get back there, one of these days. Unfortunately, he’ll only be playing his 2012 lamer equivalent, Mitt Romney, in practice debates against President Obama. How debasing. But since John Kerry’s career at this point is “kiss as much Obama ass as possible until John Kerry is named Secretary of State,” he’ll proudly accept this call to make the very, very modest tweaks to his personality necessary to portray a perfect Mitt Romney. Read more on John Kerry To Play Fellow Tall, Limp Massachusetts Patrician Mitt Romney In Debate Practice…
  hawt speculations

Who Will Be America’s Next Most Historic Secretary of State?

With Hillary Clinton slow drifting off towards her retirement in the assisted living community of Memes, the Hot Question (not really) in all of Washington is, who will be our nation’s next “top diplomat” to bring us a shooting war in Libya? No, wait, the Hot Question is, who will win the presidential election? If it’s Romney, of course, General McWarDongle will take the reins at Foggy Bottom and declare nuclear war domestically. But if it’s Obama, we’ll likely get the most boring possible choice. Think of the most boring possible choice, now, and then click the clicky! (HINT: IT’S THE GHOUL IN THE TOP PHOTO.) Read more on Who Will Be America’s Next Most Historic Secretary of State?…
  lurch vs. robot

John Kerry: Mitt Romney Is No John Kerry

Political pundit people have been enjoying the idea that Mitt Romney has a “John Kerry problem.” After all, both Romney and Kerry are rich white establishment politicians — just like most politicians, on Earth. Political pundits love easy comparisons like that. But John Kerry took a break from whatever he does these days to say he’s met John Kerry, and Mitt Romney is no John Kerry. “I didn’t have trouble connecting,” Kerry said at some elitist New York speaking engagement. “I almost won the presidency.” Mitt Romney couldn’t even win Iowa, jeez! Read more on John Kerry: Mitt Romney Is No John Kerry…
  the jewish senator who saved christmas

Al Franken Lures Filibuster-Proof Majority of Senators With Secret Gifts

How do you trick 61 U.S. Senators into hanging out for a few hours without an eruption of bloodshed? You promise them a mystery holiday treat! It works on children, so why not? A very mischievous Al Franken snuck in a new “Secret Santa clause” to the Senate’s bazillion page protocol in an effort to bring a late-breaking smidgen of friendly behavior to the fancier chamber of Congress before the end of Government for the year/forever, hooray! (Do not worry, though, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell are still in the process of Ruining Everything with an acrimonious new deadlock over the payroll tax cut extension today.) So who got what (besides America, who gets nothing)??? Remember, kids, there’s a ten-dollar limit! Read more on Al Franken Lures Filibuster-Proof Majority of Senators With Secret Gifts…
  congress

50 Richest Members of Congress List Winner Worth $294 Million!

Roll Call published its annual list of the 50 richest members of Congress, a pleasant regular reminder to voters that the halls of government are filled sloppy with rich folk who have subzero personal incentive beyond the mental exercise of “imagining what it feels like to be poor” to write our nation’s rules. Here are the top ten! Read more on 50 Richest Members of Congress List Winner Worth $294 Million!…
  minty fresh ideas

Mitt Romney Takes Slogan From Loser John Kerry, Logo From Toothpaste

Mitt Romney found himself an empty news cycle this afternoon, so he finally announced his candidacy for president in a video carefully crafted to be more boring than President Obama’s first campaign video. In a way, Romney was taking an idea from his last campaign, which featured an inexplicable ad of him running. Now Mitt is standing above a running track, rather than on a course. See, things are different this time! Romney’s slogan, “Believe in America” was actually last used in August 2004 by loser John Kerry, when he was on a two-week, 21-state tour flailing like a bland loser while the Swiftboaters swiftboated him. Romney has also taken his logo from Aquafresh, of all things, which isn’t even one of the top two toothpastes in America. When Mittens steals something boring, he steals it from fellow losers. Read more on Mitt Romney Takes Slogan From Loser John Kerry, Logo From Toothpaste…
  senior senators

John Kerry Tells Media Harry Reid ‘Isn’t Just Dracula’

“Harry Reid isn’t just Dracula, he isn’t just Lazarus, he’s our leader and our whole caucus is thrilled that he’s unbreakable and unbeatable,” he said. Oh thanks, John Kerry — we were worried Harry Reid had pigeonholed himself into the two demographics of vampires and Bible characters. But is Harry Reid just a triceratops? [BBC] Read more on John Kerry Tells Media Harry Reid ‘Isn’t Just Dracula’…
  ketchup yachts

John Kerry Is Still the Richest Ketchup Heiress In Congress

Hooray, The Hill has released this year’s “50 Wealthiest People In Congress,” and it is an unusually informative eHow list (not to be confused with the celebrated “50 Most Sexual Congresspeople” thing, which we hate). Anyway, John Kerry won, again, because of ketchup: Read more on John Kerry Is Still the Richest Ketchup Heiress In Congress…
  the old college try

Climate Change Is Going to Have to Stop Happening Because Democrats Couldn’t Pass a Bill

Lindsey Graham told Democrats to “TALK TO THE HAND” and John Kerry freaked everyone out with his desperation, and now Democrats have officially given up on passing a bill that would limit greenhouse gas emissions, as they couldn’t get enough votes. Sorry, Nature! Looks like you’re going to have to figure out how to stop climate change yourself and stop depending on the U.S. government to solve all your problems. Go back to your public housing shack and try to find a job or something. Read more on Climate Change Is Going to Have to Stop Happening Because Democrats Couldn’t Pass a Bill…
  this is not a baseball blog stuef

Last Dregs of John Kerry’s Power Used For Baseball Thing

In 2004, when “the Internets” was a fresh joke reference, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry amassed an e-mail list of millions of people. He still has this list, so occasionally he sends messages to people’s old work e-mail accounts and junk AOL addresses. And perhaps to a few people who still use their 2004 address and have somehow still not unsubscribed from this. With nothing better to do in his life than send out e-mails to this huge list, John Kerry has composed a message imploring people to vote online for a baseball player for some baseball thing. Read more on Last Dregs of John Kerry’s Power Used For Baseball Thing…
  oh god john kerry's dumb face is making noise

Liveblogging the Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings, Part II

Ken has apparently died [IT IS CALLED “LUNCH AFTER WRITING FOR SEVEN HOURS,” JACK — Ed.], so here is a part two, at last, to this boring, meaningless ceremonial affair. Right now John Kerry and Scott Brown are the first “witnesses,” here to introduce Kagan and pretend they know she will be a good judge and not try to rape everybody who comes in front of the Supreme Court. Right now we can officially call it: She WILL be confirmed, as Scott Brown is apparently the Robin to John Kerry’s boring confirmation Batman, and also Robert Byrd’s ghost will be wheeled in later and allowed to vote to confirm her. Read more on Liveblogging the Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings, Part II…