Tag: john kerry

What you're SUPPOSED to do in boarding school.

Alleged Prep School Rapist Only Did It Because There Was A School Sex Contest, Probably

Oh, to be back at boarding school! Mumsy and Popsy would seldom visit, and even then, only to meet with the headmaster about which one of our family names would christen the new Humanities building. And what fun we...
Why is Obama so afraid of this man?

Ted Cruz Tells Obama And Clinton To Stop Rubbing Their Lithe Bodies All Over Islamic Tyrants

Ted Cruz has apparently had enough of all the Hitler rhetoric over the Iran nukes deal, and is now suggesting that Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John Kerry want to have a hot swinger foursome with Iran and maybe...
Just pointing out the obvious

President Obama Politely Suggests Republicans Are Bunch Of A-Holes

Now that President Barry H. O'Bamz is this close to being SO outta here and SO done with all of our bullcrap, he really does not give a good goddamn. And he will say anything he wants to say....
I look like A Expert.

Sen. Tom Cotton Appalled How John Kerry Went To Iran To Crucify Jesus

Wee young Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas, who seems to be under the impression he is president of both U.S. America and Iran, is making opinions with his mouth again. Because see, Barack Obama and John Kerry went to...

John McCain Graciously Refuses To Tell Donald Trump To F*ck Himself In The Ear

Did you hear the one about how Donald Trump thinks John McCain is a L-O-S-E-R for getting captured and held as a prisoner of war that one time, in the Nam, for five and a half years? Of course...
Just put a Band-Aid on it, don't be so weak and unprofessional.

Donald Trump Can’t Believe People Don’t Like His Straight Talk On Loser POWs

Just in case you hadn't heard about Donald Trump's very special weekend shitshow, he had a terrible horrible no-good very bad Saturday at the Family Leadership Summit in Ames, Iowa, where he made the mistake of talking smack about...
Yes it's a pony. But it could have been a pic of Lindsey Graham. Count your blessings.

Lindsey Graham Isn’t A Scientist, But He Thinks Scientists Know Stuff. He’s Doomed.

Loath though we are to ever say anything especially nice about Lindsey Graham, given his penchant for wanting to send Americans to bomb as many distant lands as possible, we have to give him an "attaboy" on his remarkably...
Thanks to whoever already did this with Ahmedinejad instead of Hitler; we've updated to Rouhani

Iran Nuclear Deal Will Either Usher In New Era Of Peace Or End Of Civilization As We Know It

An agreement to limit Iran's nuclear development has been reached between Iran and the United States, plus five other nations that were so important to the negotiations that the New York Times named them all in the 33rd paragraph...
Your modern 'ethical standards' frighten and confuse me

Jeb Bush No Like Big Words

At long last we have an explanation for why Jeb! Bush fucks it up so bad every time he's asked to answer a question. BECAUSE WORDS IS HARD AND TOUGH. Big words with syllables are for ineffective fancypants elitists...
Thought about 'shopping Obama's face in there, but nahhh

Fidel Castro Wins Cold War, Hooray!

In news that probably ought to seem a lot more exciting to Cold War Babbies like Yr Wonkette, President Obama announced today that the U.S. and Cuba have finalized arrangements to reopen embassies in each other's countries. And while...
Trust no one

Email From Your Crazy Uncle: John Kerry Didn’t Wreck His Bike, ISIS Tried To Kill Him

Monday, we received an item in our email that was so mind-blowingly important that our minds were literally blown. It is rather messy in the office now. You may have thought that John Kerry was some kind of elitist...
Eat my Lycra bike shorts...which I have the sense not to wear near a photographer

Politico: Look At That Stuck-Up Elitist John Kerry With His Fancy Bicycle!

As you may have heard, Secretary of State John Kerry broke his right femur in a bicycle accident Sunday, and had to stay in a hospital overnight. Ah, but that accident happened in the snotty French country of France, while...

Martin O’Malley For President Of Pointing And Laughing At Sarah Palin

At first, when former Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley declared on Saturday that he also too would like to be president please, we were like, OK, whatever, sure, keep the Democratic primary race interesting, yay democracy. Plus, O'Malley did good liberal-y...
Commence freak out NOW

Iran Violates U.S. Constitution, Makes Deal On Nukes With Tyrant Obama

Despite Senate Republicans warning Iran there is simply no point in making a deal with the Obama administration on its nuclear program because the Constitution says he's not really the president anyway, behold: In a historic announcement, Secretary of State...
Now you drink all the Florida Man you want

Watch Us Get Nekkid In Church and Dunkin Donuts: Your Florida Roundup

See that guy up there? Yr Florida Correspondent has seen bigger. A giant alligator that was recently spotted on a Florida golf course has become a social media star. The huge gator, described as “a dinosaur looking reptile” on the club’s...
Aww shit, it's from Flint!

Marco Rubio Says Dumb Words About Iran, Is Dumb And Stupid. Huh!

Florida Senator Marco “Polo” Rubio, your next president in his own head, is a self-styled Deep Thinker and Very Serious Person™, and as such, he has Concerns with the deal “President” Obama is negotiating with Iran. (Of course Rubio,...