JOHN KERRY IS SO DIPLOMATIC, HE SHOULD BE SECRETARY OF STATE!: When a reporter suggested that he had become the “de facto secretary of state,” Kerry grew flustered, sputtering, “I don’t want — you know, I don’t even — I don’t think that’s appropriate, de facto, whatever, whatever.” [Washington Post]

• Unpopular elected official Harry Reid is just all about including the public option on the new health care bill. [New York Times]
• John Kerry is so busy and fulfilled chairing the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that he totally doesn’t even have time to think about 2004. [Washington Post]
• A team of pilots flying a commercial airliner overshot their destination, the Minneapolis airport, by 150 miles yesterday. The FAA first blamed terrorism but is now blaming sleep, the terrorism of trying to stay awake at work. [CNN]
• Legislation stating that violence against gay people is, legally-speaking, a hate crime is THISCLOSE to becoming law. All Obama has to do is sign the dotted line, which he will. [Los Angeles Times]
• Barry is trying to convince Iran to fulfill all its uranium enrichment needs overseas somewhere. Iran is trying to cultivate an arsenal of nuclear weapons. These things may be mutually exclusive! [AP]
• Britain is still in the midst of its own recession. Ehh, and everyone though the third quarter was going to be the turnaround one for the economy over there. Alas. [Reuters]

• Do you want to take a ride about the “Zobama Xpress,” a children’s school bus that apparently runs on racism, dry ice, and tone deafness? Yes we can! [The Washington Independent via Andrew Sullivan]
• New GOP Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Rush Limbaugh is now demanding that Colin Powell become a democrat. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Probationary adult Michael Steele was secretly forced to relinquish basically all rights responsibilities and powers of his terrible new job. [Daily Kos]
• Ketchup heiress John Kerry has gravely offended America’s newspapers, by casually remarking upon their demise. [HuffPost]
• And speaking of newspapers, why is the Anchorage Daily News trying to hold Sarah Palin down by insisting upon publishing stories about her? [RedState]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
So obviously, living in America today is one long roller-coaster ride of joy and despair and rage, because of the Depression and the Politics. And so our political cartoons reflect this our discordant reality. Why should we expect sanity and levelheadedness in newsprint when we cannot find it life? Join us on an ink-stained journey into the heart of darkness, as the cross-hatched drawings scrawled out furiously in some dank, half-empty newsroom reveal the terrifying secrets that lie within America’s heart. MORE »

Wonkette male makeup expert “Ratty” points out that Senator Kerry appeared on Meet the Press this weekend looking like he’d swung by the M.A.C. counter on the way to the studio. This is not the first time we have seen such horrible makeup errors on MTP in general, and John Kerry in particular. Do none of these people consult a mirror before they go onstage in their clown faces? [MSNBC]

What is this “chairman’s prerogative” John Kerry is invoking here? Gross. [YouTube]

Gawker commenter “likebitchisabadthing” sends us this alarming photo from one of them grabber-claw machines at a Friendly’s restaurant. See that weird cellophane-wrapped mummy in the middle, the one that says “John Kerry for President”? What is up with that, man? Is Kerry already planning a coup? See the close-up after the jump. MORE »

• Even though the Secretary of State job is off the table, maybe John Kerry will still be able to disappoint America as Secretary of the Interior. [Marc Ambinder]
• Joe Biden is not resigning from the Senate as part of a tricky seat-saving maneuver that will secure the position for his son Beau. [MSNBC]
• Mike Huckabee wants you to send him the most untoward stand-outs from your collection of amateur home videos. [Political Ticker]
• The new Draft Sarah Committee, or “2012DSC” in idiot, is up and running. There’s a photo of your gal tending to some moose blood soup on the cookstove and seven steps for supporting the effort, one of which includes “bookmarking this website.” [Jonathan Martin/2012DSC]
• Daily Kos is doing its part to make sure every resident of every state wishes Howard Dean a happy birthday. And then as a birthday president, some of Dean’s cheapest friends sent him an old graffitied trash can, because they hate him. [Daily Kos]

UGGGH JOHN KERRY. The sad horsey lost his 2004 run at the presidency by issuing a stream of terrible proclamations throughout the campaign, which George Bush’s oppo team immediately made into commercials: stuff like, “I voted for the $87 billion before I voted against it.” He was also dull and utterly uncharismatic and bad at campaigning. After he lost the election, he insisted on spamming every single one of his supporters, constantly, with retarded emails that made them loathe him even more. MORE »

• Here is accredited sorcerer Nate Silver’s last projection ever. Tomorrow he will have to go back to his Alaska: baseball. [FiveThirtyEight]
• O.P.R.A.H. has already chosen her ceremonial muumuu for Obama’s Eyes Wide Shut-themed inauguration. [Top of the Ticket]
• Obama might want John Kerry to be his French Secretary of State. Old Man Windsurf’s name is reportedly on a “very short list.” [Matthew Yglesias]
• The New York Times‘ fancy Web-Site will finally put to use all those sonnets you wrote about your Muslim Lady Laura. [New York Times]
• Palin, stopping at some Alaskan pet shop called the “Mocha Moose,” told reporters that her only regret this election is “the blogosphere.” [Jonathan Martin]

An actual 10,574,901 national and state polls have been conducted today, did you know that? No you didn’t, because you people cannot count that high. So here’s what you “need to know,” according to our fancy data robots at Wonkette. MORE »