Wonkette

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry is running for re-election and, while he’s at it, defiling what is sacred ground to many a Masshole: the local Dunkin’ Donuts. We get this tragic on-the-scene report from tipster “Troy.” MORE »

Maybe Senator Elizabeth Dole teaches a community college English class on the side and wants to show her students a cartoonish, real-life example of “irony,” because that’s the only way to explain her current episode of retardation. She has introduced an amendment to the HIV/AIDS/etc. relief bill nearing completion in the Senate that would rename it after dead Senator Jesse Helms, the famous hero who once said, “There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy.” This Senate bill, interestingly enough, will probably contain another amendment — this one from John Kerry and Gordon Smith — to remove the HIV travel and immigration ban for foreigners hoping to enter the United States. This ban, of course, began in 1987 and is called the “Helms Amendment.” So basically, Boo Elizabeth Dole! Elizabeth Dole has gonorrhea! [HuffPo]

Just four short years ago, John Kerry loved John McCain so much he repeatedly implored the angry little fraud to be his running mate in his ultimately failed bid for president. And John McCain said no, because he wanted to lose on his own, four years later! This caused irreparable damage to their wonderful fairytale friendship. MORE »

Democrat John Kerry and Republican John McCain have a lot in common: the name John, the Vietnam War, and their insanely wealthy, animatronic wives. So it’s only natural that Kerry tried mightily to get McCain to join his awesome losing team in 2004, theorizing that a warmongering Republican veep candidate would really get Democrats pumped. Thanks to highly placed Wonkette publishing spy “Matt,” who got an advance copy of Paul Alexander’s new book about Karl Rove, Machiavelli’s Shadow, Americans can know the Truth about what went down between Senator Longface and Senator Grumpus. Shocking excerpt after the jump. MORE »

It appears that Bill Clinton’s latest run for president will be his last, despite rumors that he may run again in 2012. “I want to say also, that this may be the last day I’m ever involved in a campaign of this kind,” he said at a rally in South Dakota today. “I thought I was out of politics, ’til Hillary decided to run,” he continued, “But it has been, one of the greatest honors of my life to go around and campaign for her for president.” Indeed, now that his wife will likely leave the race, President Clinton — the leader of the Democratic Party for 16 years — can no longer be involved in politics, much like he wasn’t when he didn’t campaign for John Kerry or Al Gore. [First Read]

Here is former presidential nominee John Kerry at a “student rally” at Tufts University the College of William and Mary in liberal Massachusetts Virginia. What is he saying? We’ll go with, “Why aren’t yours as big as the other one’s?” [College OTR]

Actually, no.

Wonkette’s own Liz Glover took her video camera and Polaroid to an April 1 party for “Our America,” a thing to help the low-income youth. As you can imagine, the powerful D.C. media wanted nothing to do with this (poor black kids are such downers), but John Kerry was there! MORE »

Hey look, John McCain had an acid flashback to his days in the Mexican Hanoi Hilton and yelled at poor human condition-chronicler Elisabeth Bumiller of the NYT. Why? Because she asked about his conversation with John Kerry in 2004 to become his running mate. About halfway through the video, you can hear Cindy McCain throw a gin tumbler at the plane’s wall, just before McCain’s aides were able to feed her her Xanax/Oxycontin cocktail coated in strawberry cream cheese. [via The Caucus]

AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK, ABROAD: “Helicopters carrying three senior U.S. senators made emergency landings Thursday in the mountains of Afghanistan because of a snowstorm.” Good sweet Jesus Christ God, how is America going to survive — we lost Joe Biden, John Kerry and Chuck Hagel to the ancient snows of the barren hinterland and its devilish tundra camels. Fortunately, Barack Obama FLEW LIKE SUPERMAN to this valley of ice monsters, swooped the foppish Senators away and whisked them to safe harbor. Again: Barack Obama has saved three senators from Taliban Bigfoot. [AP/Breitbart]