Tag Archives: john edwards

  Fuckabee if you're nasty

Mike Huckabee Will Be President Of Making All The Ladies Stop Saying Gay Cusses!

Gonna teach America some manners again!
Former Arkansas governor and current traditional values hall monitor Mike Huckabee announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination for president today in Hope, Arkansas, because he is from there, just like Bill Clinton! The theme of the day was “going from Hope to Higher Ground,” because using “hope” as a theme has never been done before, by a presidential candidate from Hope, Arkansas. There was nice uplifting music, like that Tony Orlando stuff Huckabee loves, and quite unlike that whore Beyoncé music the Obamas love, which Mike Huckabee knows is from the devil. Unfortunately, Ted Nugent was not there to help Huckabee sing about bitches’ pussies, BY WHICH WE MEAN KITTY CATS. Read more on Mike Huckabee Will Be President Of Making All The Ladies Stop Saying Gay Cusses!…
  rogues gallery

Here Is Your Rick Perry Mugshot And All The Other Great Ones Too

Tuesday was the day for Gov. Rick “Yosemite Sam” Perry to turn himself into the authorities for fingerprinting, mugshot-taking, and general merriment over the extremely thin felony charges he faces over defunding the Travis County Public Integrity Unit. Finally, we would have the answer to the question that has plagued us ever since the charges were announced: Glasses or No Glasses? As you can see above, Yosemite Rick went with No Glasses and a tight grimace that says “I can’t believe I have to put up with this shit,” like a businessman who got pulled over for a DUI after a couple too many bourbons at his Midland country club. Read more on Here Is Your Rick Perry Mugshot And All The Other Great Ones Too…
  oh did she mention she has a new book out?

Rielle Hunter Is ‘Sorry’ She Fell In Love With Your Husband, Ghost Elizabeth Edwards

It has taken seven years and the united hatred of a country that normally couldn’t agree on whether the sun is blocked by the rotation of the earth or whether it is eaten by the moon every night. Oh, and it has taken having a new book out, but forget that. Rielle Hunter is sorry. She apologizes. She did not know when she fell in love with John Edwards that it was selfish and wrong and terrible and cunty and the worst. And she did not know when she fucked him that she would fall in love with him, which was selfish and wrong and cunty and the worst. Read more on Rielle Hunter Is ‘Sorry’ She Fell In Love With Your Husband, Ghost Elizabeth Edwards…
  she wants the world to know she's got to let it show

Hillary Is Going To Come Out! Exclusive! Must Credit Wonkette For Writing About the Enquirer!

Remember John Edwards? You do, and you are sad about it, yeah? Your own little progressive Icarus who flew too close to the bright hot sun of the National Enquirer and then fell to earth, wings aflame, or hurtled into the sun, or exploded or something. We do not know because we skipped Greek classics in high school to get high instead. Anyway! Remember John Edwards? Remember that one time the National Enquirer got a thing right? And now we have to actually pay attention when they “break” (make up) a big “story” (fanfic fap fantasy) about how Hillz is just a big lesbo: Read more on Hillary Is Going To Come Out! Exclusive! Must Credit Wonkette For Writing About the Enquirer!…
  what about satan?

Cheer Up Congress, At Least You Are More Popular Than That Dude Who Knocked Up Rielle Hunter

Waah, everyone hates Congress, just because it is filled with adult babies who have managed to hold 1,237 votes on repealing Obamacare and outlawing abortion, but couldn’t manage to find time to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act, because Eric Cantor hates Native American women (thanks to “Elizabeth Warren,” probably). So Public Policy Polling released the results of its head-to-head match-ups of “Congress” vs. things like “head lice” and “Nickelback,” and Twitter was very pleased to announce that people love lice and Nickelback more than they love Congress. But we think they are seeing the glass as half-empty of carbolic acid, when it should be half-full of carbolic acid! Let us discover, together, the people and vermin who are less popular than Congress. Read more on Cheer Up Congress, At Least You Are More Popular Than That Dude Who Knocked Up Rielle Hunter…
  a nation mourns

John Edwards And Rielle Hunter Broke Up Last Week, Or Possibly In 2008

You guys, extra-sad news! John Edwards and Rielle Hunter, who as far as we knew six days ago were America’s number one committed couple, are now totally broken up. Well, they’re still a family, because when you knock up your crazy new age-y campaign videographer and/or are knocked up by a married sleazeball presidential candidate, and then have a baby, you are basically linked for life, but “as of the end of last week, John Edwards and I are no longer a couple,” Rielle told important journalistic teevee show Good Morning America. So if you step outside and find that it’s raining even though the forecast called for clear skies, that’s probably angels crying! (Or maybe just water dripping from an air conditioning unit in a fifth-floor window.) But are John Edwards and Rielle Hunter still in love, despite breaking up? It’s impossible for us to say for certain, but yes, almost certainly yes. Read more on John Edwards And Rielle Hunter Broke Up Last Week, Or Possibly In 2008…
  skanks

Rielle Hunter and ‘Johnny’ Edwards Consummate Greatest Love Story Of Our Time

Watch out Liz and Dick, and Romeo and Juliet, and Buttercup and Wesley, and Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, and Bristol Palin and that creepy Gino guy: Rielle Hunter is here to write the gauzy, Vaseline-lensed story of her Great Love with the world’s best husband, father, and all around guy, John Edwards, and it is a tale of Chivalrous and Romantic Love that will leave you breathless! Like for instance, how John Edwards denied paternity of their lovebaby because he was “temporarily insane” from 2008 until two weeks ago! “He was temporarily insane” and “needed serious help” when he denied paternity of their child in August 2008, she writes. “Think about it: Sane healthy people do not deny their children, especially on national TV, simply because they are afraid of their abusive spouse’s reaction. Only a mentally off person would do that,” she says. Edwards publicly acknowledged the 4-year-old only after the judge declared a mistrial on May 31. Read more on Rielle Hunter and ‘Johnny’ Edwards Consummate Greatest Love Story Of Our Time…
  The Trial of the Century

John Edwards Jury Sick of Dealing With It, Mean Judge Makes Them Continue Dealing With It (UPDATE)

Don’t you love that smell when the entire media realizes it’s just wasted an hour on nothing? Such has been the case this afternoon, when the big news orgs announced that a JOHN EDWARDS VERDICT HAS BEEN REACHED and WOULD BE ANNOUNCED AT 3:00. Finally! It had been like 10 days with these jurors “deliberating.” Why is “justice” taken so seriously in this country, occasionally? Just throw the guy in the slammer or don’t, it would be funny either way. But alas, no verdict was ANNOUNCED AT 3:00. It turns out the jury had only reached a decision on one of six counts and wanted to wrap things up and flee the courthouse. The judge made them return to deliberations, however. This is seeming very, very Blago Trial I, today. But what the hell do we know? (UPDATE: THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.) Read more on John Edwards Jury Sick of Dealing With It, Mean Judge Makes Them Continue Dealing With It (UPDATE)…
  eyebleach

Ew Gross What No (John Edwards)

Thanks ABC, for this delightful WIN on the only possible thing that might matter in the GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL John Edwards trial for venality, indecency, and grossness. Since the alternate [jurors] were identified last Thursday, it has been impossible to ignore the dynamic between Edwards and one of the female alternates, an attractive young woman with jet-black hair, who seems to have been flirting with Edwards for days. Read more on Ew Gross What No (John Edwards)…
  crazy sluts

Rielle Hunter Needed Healer’s Help For ‘Wrong Sauce’ On Reuben Sandwich

It is hard to know who is less popular in Wonkville: lunatic hippie Rielle Hunter, or her tousled-locked boy lover, John Edwards. It is also hard to know who is less popular in the Young household — the Youngs being the couple who agreed to fake the husband’s affair with Hunter (and paternity of Edwards’ sex mistake) to cover for the once-and-future veep and Supreme Court justice, and who now seem to be having all the fun in the world testifying against him. We are not sure what Rielle Hunter being a total asshole has to do with John Edwards’ campaign finance violations, but prosecutors are not skimping on the details. For instance! [Cheri] Young described, too, how she and Andrew wrote several checks, including one for $8,000, to help Hunter pay for her spiritual adviser’s services. Hunter, she said, even called in the adviser for help when she complained, at a Colorado diner, that her Reuben sandwich had the wrong sauce. But what kind of sauce was the wrong sauce for a Reuben sandwich? Read more on Rielle Hunter Needed Healer’s Help For ‘Wrong Sauce’ On Reuben Sandwich…
  gross trial of the century

Edwards Wanted To Be Supreme Court Justice, Was Insulted By Rich Dowager

You know what the difference is between America’s elite, the 1 percenters and the fast-rising politicians, and slobs like you? Planning. Like, you, for instance, have no plans for the day, and are trying to relieve the ennui by reading a blog about dick jokes and politics, and maybe later you’ll try masturbating or something, and then after that you’ll probably cry spontaneously, in public, which will be embarrassing, because you didn’t plan some solitary cry-time. But John Edwards! John Edwards had it all planned out! First he was going to be president, then vice president, then president again — we all knew that! But fun under-oath testimony this week revealed that then he planned to be vice president again, and when that didn’t work out, decided he’d be Attorney General for a bit and then move on over to the Supreme Court, where he’d have a cool job for life. And it all would have worked if his crazy slut of a mistress had only planned to not have his child! (Oh, he also called his mistress a “crazy slut,” by the way). Read more on Edwards Wanted To Be Supreme Court Justice, Was Insulted By Rich Dowager…
  restoring honor to the white house

Barack Obama Equals Rielle Hunter’s Baby Daddy, According To Woman With Pulitzer

Kathleen Parker won a Pulitzer Prize once for her op-eds, and is it any wonder when she pens such beautiful columns as this one, decrying the president’s schedulers for letting him go to North Carolina when Democrats have Behaved Badly there? It is not the audacity of hope, but the Incompetency of Arrogance (real thing!) that has caused Barack Obama not to run away in girlish terror from one of the 57 states over which he presides. It isn’t that Obama has anything to do with either [John] Edwards or [Jay] Parmley, but he risks being dragged into the fray. You don’t want to be in the same camera frame or news cycle with the least attractive members of your party. Moreover, plenty of media will be on hand to ask uncomfortable questions, such as, for example: “Mr. President, will you be visiting the grave of Elizabeth Edwards while in the state?” Read more on Barack Obama Equals Rielle Hunter’s Baby Daddy, According To Woman With Pulitzer…
  'night johnboy

Husband of the Century John Edwards Purchased Human Lady Flesh From ‘Millionaire’ New York Sex Pimp

OH GOOD. Noted humanitarian and best guy ever John Edwards is not only seeking to make another human maybe with perfect soulmate Rielle Edwards. Nope. His name has also come up in conjunction with some sex-trafficking investigation in Manhattan, which has uncovered that he was purchasing sexxx with money during the presidential bid that was only cut short because his wife Elizabeth was about to die of horrible cancer. Ev’rybody got a warm happy feeling now? So glad. Read more on Husband of the Century John Edwards Purchased Human Lady Flesh From ‘Millionaire’ New York Sex Pimp…
  do not pass go. do not collect $200.

Maybe Baby! National Enquirer: John Edwards Still Putting Penis in, Trying to Impregnate, Rielle Hunter

Primpy shitsack “human” “man” John Edwards, who at one point was actually the progressive choice in the 2008 primaries — and Christ, we dodged that bullet — is still putting his penis in the vagina of flakey terrible person Rielle Hunter, and according to the Daily Mail’s regurgitation of the National Enquirer, is possibly open to the idea of making yet another small human with her/the rest of America vomit out its own eyeballs. From the Daily Mail’s cadging of the work of America’s No. 1 John Edwards News Source the Enquirer: Rielle Hunter is reportedly hoping to become pregnant before Edwards’ trial in April, after which he could be sentenced to up to 30 years in jail. GO TO JAIL, JOHN EDWARDS! GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL! Read more on Maybe Baby! National Enquirer: John Edwards Still Putting Penis in, Trying to Impregnate, Rielle Hunter…
  herpes can kill you now?

John Edwards Waging Heroic, Life-Threatening Battle With Karma

Famous sleazeball John Edwards still cannot quite yet stand trial for the million or so dollars in alleged campaign finance violations he racked up during his failed 2008 bid to get America to elect him President before they realized he was screwing around on his cancer-stricken wife, because he has some kind of life-threatening mystery ailment that requires an operation and is apparently more serious than a “hair emergency” or whatever you would immediately imagine to yourself if you heard that John Edwards was claiming he was too ill to attend his own trial. Read more on John Edwards Waging Heroic, Life-Threatening Battle With Karma…