Tag: john edwards

This is what Ted Cruz looks like when he begs for money.

Is Ted Cruz Adulterous Foreign-Born Whore? Maybe!

People, we may have to issue a correction here. We reported at you this morning that Ted Cruz had, for the first time in his life, growed himself a dick. Of course, we meant that in the sense that...
That thing will never fly. Center of gravity is all out of whack.

Everything You Need To Know About Iowa’s Hot Throbbing Caucus: A Wonksplainer

After all the campaigning and stump speeches and far fewer corndog-eating photos than we would have hoped for, the Big Day is finally here: Happy Birthday, Pauly Shore! Also, it's the Iowa Caucus, a mysterious ritual that nobody cared...
Shut the fuck up.

Mike Huckabee Will Be President Of Making All The Ladies Stop Saying Gay Cusses!

Former Arkansas governor and current traditional values hall monitor Mike Huckabee announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination for president today in Hope, Arkansas, because he is from there, just like Bill Clinton! The theme of the day was...

Here Is Your Rick Perry Mugshot And All The Other Great Ones Too

Tuesday was the day for Gov. Rick “Yosemite Sam” Perry to turn himself into the authorities for fingerprinting, mugshot-taking, and general merriment over the extremely thin felony charges he faces over defunding the Travis County Public Integrity Unit. Finally, we...

Rielle Hunter Is ‘Sorry’ She Fell In Love With Your Husband, Ghost Elizabeth Edwards

It has taken seven years and the united hatred of a country that normally couldn't agree on whether the sun is blocked by the rotation of the earth or whether it is eaten by the moon every night. Oh,...

Hillary Is Going To Come Out! Exclusive! Must Credit Wonkette For Writing About the Enquirer!

Remember John Edwards? You do, and you are sad about it, yeah? Your own little progressive Icarus who flew too close to the bright hot sun of the National Enquirer and then fell to earth, wings aflame, or hurtled...

Cheer Up Congress, At Least You Are More Popular Than That Dude Who Knocked Up Rielle Hunter

Waah, everyone hates Congress, just because it is filled with adult babies who have managed to hold 1,237 votes on repealing Obamacare and outlawing abortion, but couldn't manage to find time to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act, because...

John Edwards And Rielle Hunter Broke Up Last Week, Or Possibly In 2008

You guys, extra-sad news! John Edwards and Rielle Hunter, who as far as we knew six days ago were America's number one committed couple, are now totally broken up. Well, they're still a family, because when you...

Rielle Hunter and ‘Johnny’ Edwards Consummate Greatest Love Story Of Our Time

Watch out Liz and Dick, and Romeo and Juliet, and Buttercup and Wesley, and Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, and Bristol Palin and that creepy Gino guy: Rielle Hunter is here to write the gauzy, Vaseline-lensed story of her...

John Edwards Jury Sick of Dealing With It, Mean Judge Makes Them Continue Dealing With It (UPDATE)

Don't you love that smell when the entire media realizes it's just wasted an hour on nothing? Such has been the case this afternoon, when the big news orgs announced that a JOHN EDWARDS VERDICT HAS BEEN REACHED and...

Ew Gross What No (John Edwards)

Thanks ABC, for this delightful WIN on the only possible thing that might matter in the GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL John Edwards trial for venality, indecency, and grossness. Since the alternate were identified last Thursday, it has been...

Rielle Hunter Needed Healer’s Help For ‘Wrong Sauce’ On Reuben Sandwich

It is hard to know who is less popular in Wonkville: lunatic hippie Rielle Hunter, or her tousled-locked boy lover, John Edwards. It is also hard to know who is less popular in the Young household -- the Youngs...

Edwards Wanted To Be Supreme Court Justice, Was Insulted By Rich Dowager

You know what the difference is between America's elite, the 1 percenters and the fast-rising politicians, and slobs like you? Planning. Like, you, for instance, have no plans for the day, and are trying to relieve the...

Barack Obama Equals Rielle Hunter’s Baby Daddy, According To Woman With Pulitzer

Kathleen Parker won a Pulitzer Prize once for her op-eds, and is it any wonder when she pens such beautiful columns as this one, decrying the president's schedulers for letting him go to North Carolina when Democrats have Behaved...

Husband of the Century John Edwards Purchased Human Lady Flesh From ‘Millionaire’ New York Sex Pimp

OH GOOD. Noted humanitarian and best guy ever John Edwards is not only seeking to make another human maybe with perfect soulmate Rielle Edwards. Nope. His name has also come up in conjunction with some sex-trafficking investigation in Manhattan,...

Maybe Baby! National Enquirer: John Edwards Still Putting Penis in, Trying to Impregnate, Rielle Hunter

Primpy shitsack "human" "man" John Edwards, who at one point was actually the progressive choice in the 2008 primaries -- and Christ, we dodged that bullet -- is still putting his penis in the vagina of flakey terrible person...