Tag Archives: john cornyn

  don't even try to suggest he's wrong

Ted Cruz Too Smart For Real Senate Rules, Prefers The Ones He Made Up

S-M-R-T
Let us never, ever forget that Sen. Ted Cruz is smarter than all of us put together. He was a member of the Constitutional Corroborators when he was just a wee lad in Texas, reciting the Constitution — from memory! — at civic centers, and singing the praises of the free market, glory hallelujah. Also, he was a master debater at Princeton, and by the time he arrived at Harvard Law School, he was so convinced of his own intellectual superiority that he would not even lower himself to study with any of his fellow students who’d attended “minor ivies.” Read more on Ted Cruz Too Smart For Real Senate Rules, Prefers The Ones He Made Up…
  Molotov!

Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!

Now the evil scheming begins
Well, that wasn’t so hard! After waiting for a nearly record-setting 166 days to be confirmed, Loretta Lynch was finally sworn in as U.S. Attorney General by Vice President Joe Biden, who presumably saved his congratulatory groping for after the ceremony. Read more on Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!…
  Her Name Is Rios And She Derps Upon The Sand

AFA Lady Sandy Rios: Why Waste Time On Dumb Fake ‘Sex Trafficking’ When We Should Be Stomping Out The Gay?

Not the best font match, I'll admit
Sandy Rios, the American Patriarchy Association’s “governmental affairs director,” is not happy at all with the Republicans in the Senate this week, but not so much because they’re holding up the confirmation of Loretta Lynch for the sake of putting some anti-abortion language into a bill to help victims of sex trafficking. Rios actually couldn’t give a rip about Lynch — who is evil, because appointed by Obama — but she’s pretty cheesed that the Senate is wasting precious legislative time on a bill addressing sex trafficking, which Rios is fairly sure is hardly even a thing at all, especially when compared to the existential crisis our once-proud nation faces from The Gays. Read more on AFA Lady Sandy Rios: Why Waste Time On Dumb Fake ‘Sex Trafficking’ When We Should Be Stomping Out The Gay?…
  If Obama hadn't done it none of this would be a problem

GOP So Mad Obama Failed To Plan For GOP Destruction Of Obamacare

The other day we introduced you all to our new favorite people, the World Net Daily-style commenters recruited as plaintiffs in the latest Republican lawsuit to destroy Obamacare forever and ever. The case is called King v. Burwell, and it’s a complex lawsuit, but let’s try to spell it out: Under the Affordable Care Act, subsidies are provided to qualifying people in order to help them pay for their insurance, and they are provided by state insurance exchanges, and in states that were too lazy/wingnut to set up said exchanges, the federal government handles the subsidies. Read more on GOP So Mad Obama Failed To Plan For GOP Destruction Of Obamacare…
  No Requests For 'Coal Miner's Daughter'So Far

Loretta Lynch Won’t Impeach Obama, Obviously Not Suitable Attorney General

Still claims not to be Eric Holder, reportedly has not yet died of old age
Wednesday was the first day of Loretta Lynch’s confirmation hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and so far, it looks like Republicans may consider her too “nominated by Barack Obama” to be confirmed as attorney general. In a fairly basic bit of identity clarification, Ms. Lynch claimed, in response to a question from Texas Sen. John Cornyn, that she is in fact a wholly different human being than the current attorney general: Read more on Loretta Lynch Won’t Impeach Obama, Obviously Not Suitable Attorney General…
  He's a total RINO

GOP Senate Drops Words ‘Civil Rights’ From Subcommittee About Civil Rights, Because They Get It

we don't need no
In a move calculated to remind Tea Baggers and gun fondlers that yes, he totally gets it, John Cornyn (R-Texas), the incoming Chairman of  the Senate Judiciary Subcommittee on the Constitution, Civil Rights, and Human Rights, dropped the parts of the subcommittee name that don’t really matter or apply to anyone who matters, and renamed the panel the Subcommittee on the Constitution. Read more on GOP Senate Drops Words ‘Civil Rights’ From Subcommittee About Civil Rights, Because They Get It…
  known unknowns

Texas Senator John Cornyn Sure Wishes More Americans Could Have Died In Iraq

Texas Senator and evil hosebeast John Cornyn is pretty unhappy with Barack Obama for his failure to keep Iraq out of the hands of radical militants, and wants some answers. If more and more of Iraq is falling to al Qaeda-affiliated militias, then just what the hell was that whole war for? Read more on Texas Senator John Cornyn Sure Wishes More Americans Could Have Died In Iraq…
  larouche larouche larouche is on fire

LaRouchite Lady Running In Texas Unclear How Elections And Hitler Comparisons Work

Remember the Golden Era of Lyndon LaRouche circa the mid-1980s where you couldn’t go anywhere without getting accosted by the LaRouche people sporting that weird shiny glimmer in the eye that is the sign of a true believer zealot? Do you miss them now that there are only random pockets of LaRouchiness happening in the world? Don’t be sad! If you mosey on down to Texas, you can get a full-on dose of LaRouche from Kesha Rogers, who is running for John Cornyn’s seat as a Democrat and managed to pull enough votes to force a runoff in the primary. Kesha Rogers expects her Senate platform of impeaching President Barack Obama and repealing Obamacare to carry her to victory in the Texas Democratic primary — and said that Obama’s support for “Nazis in Ukraine” makes him like Hitler. Rogers, an acolyte of the cultish fringe political icon Lyndon LaRouche, was able to make it to the runoff in the Democratic primary for Sen. John Cornyn’s (R-TX) seat with 21.7 percent of the vote in Tuesday’s primary. She now faces dentist David Alameel to get the nomination and face Cornyn. Democrats, fearing Rogers as the Democratic nominee, have actively worked try and stop her from making it past the primary. She sounds like she has a great grasp of foreign AND domestic policy! Read more on LaRouchite Lady Running In Texas Unclear How Elections And Hitler Comparisons Work…
  expunge cake

Steve Stockman Will Put All You Jerks In Jail For Criming Him By Publishing His 1977 Mugshot

Texas Congresswhatever Steve Stockman would just like you all to know that he is totally vindicated and absolutely proven to be the victim of a horrible smear by evil forces aligned with Sen. John Cornyn, who Stockman would totally be beating in today’s primary election, if only Cornyn weren’t polling at 62% — which he wouldn’t be were it not for all those slurs against Stockman, accusing him of having been arrested on drug charges in Michigan back in 1977. Because the truth is, says Stockman, he was never ever convicted of a crime in Michigan in 1977, and anyone who says otherwise, or even reproduces Stockman’s mugshot (reproduced above), is a dirty criminal liar, according to a statement that may be on his website (which was out of order Tuesday morning). So just shut up and vote for Steve “Definitely Never a Felon” Stockman. Read more on Steve Stockman Will Put All You Jerks In Jail For Criming Him By Publishing His 1977 Mugshot…
  the lone slur state

Texas Senate Candidate Doesn’t Get Why Wetbacks All Upset He Said ‘Wetbacks’ Should Be Shot

The PC police are at large in Texas, just cold ruining life again for decent godfearing men who are merely talking about protecting their property and their nation. Latest member of this oppressed victim class: U.S. Senate candidate Chris Mapp, whose free speech rights are imperiled just because he called illegal border-crossers “wetbacks” and said that ranchers should be allowed to shoot them on sight. Criminy, it’s not like he called all Mexicans wetbacks and called for them to be shot, just the illegal ones. Have some perspective, people. Read more on Texas Senate Candidate Doesn’t Get Why Wetbacks All Upset He Said ‘Wetbacks’ Should Be Shot…
  the most interesting trainwreck in the world

Stop Libeling Steve Stockman With Facts About His 1977 Drug Charges

Still more weirdness from Texas Congressthing Steve Stockman, who is making a strong bid for “Strangest Elected Human Who Isn’t Rob Ford” 2014. Stockman has lately been very whineful about ads run by Texans for a Conservative Majority, a PAC supporting Sen. John Cornyn. The ads question Stockman’s integrity, and the good congressman filed a libel suit last week against the PAC, accusing them of lying like lying liars and “falsely asserting that he was charged with a felony.” “This case involves some of the most outrageous, malicious defamation ever recorded in Harris County,” the suit reads. Well, that would indeed be a very unkind lie to tell about congressman Stephen Ernest “Steve” Stockman! Unless of course maybe he actually had been arrested for a felony in Michigan and had talked openly about the arrest back in the 1990s when he was first in Congress. Then you would have to wonder about his current connection to reality, even accounting for the fact that he is Steve Goddamn Stockman. Read more on Stop Libeling Steve Stockman With Facts About His 1977 Drug Charges…
  missing inaction

Texas Rep. Steve Stockman Vanishes, Supposedly Still Running For Senate

You might think that someone running against an incumbent senator would be a bit more visible, but Texas Rep. Steve Stockman, who’s running against John Cornyn, seems to have disappeared from Washington and hasn’t voted in the House since January 9. He’s missed everything since then, including a chance to vote no on the budget. Stockman has made a single campaign appearance in Texas, and also went to Egypt with some other House members; otherwise, he’s been out of sight, which is maybe a bit odd with the primary coming up on March 4. Has anyone checked the Appalachian Trail? Read more on Texas Rep. Steve Stockman Vanishes, Supposedly Still Running For Senate…
  clash of the white 'uns

Texas Wingnut Steve Stockman To Primary John Cornyn For Senate, Tila Tequila To Primary James Inhofe

In a surprise last-minute move, Texas congressidiot Steve Stockman filed to run for John Cornyn’s seat in the Senate just a few minutes before the deadline. So now we can look forward to yet another internecine Republican fight between the guy who invited Ted Nugent to be his guest at the State of the Union, and the guy who says that Barack Obama only pursued a nuclear deal with Iran to distract attention from Obamacare. We remember the days when Republicans howled at Ned Lamont for “purging” Joe Lieberman from the Democratic primary, a one-man Cultural Revolution. You won’t see us doing that. Let David Duke primary David Vitter! Let an insane person (okay, an even more insane person) primary James Inhofe! Let’s let shit get real! Read more on Texas Wingnut Steve Stockman To Primary John Cornyn For Senate, Tila Tequila To Primary James Inhofe…
  hindus buddhists and other muslims

Michelle Obama Now Ruining White House With Foreign Godless Pagan Un-Christian Hindu Festival Of Light

Namaste! And Happy Hindu Festival of Lights, or Diwali, Wonketteers! Did you even know that Diwali is a thing that you are missing right now if you are not of the Hindu persuasion, or maybe Michelle Obama? Because Michelle Obama, Lady of all things First, knows it is Diwali, and is hosting a ceremony today, in yet another endeavor to ruin the White House forever and ever, with her multi-culti tributes to things that are not about being a proper First Lady, like this is a country with all kinds of faiths and beliefs and diversity or something dumb and ridiculous like that. Read more on Michelle Obama Now Ruining White House With Foreign Godless Pagan Un-Christian Hindu Festival Of Light…
  where overpromising meets underperforming

Senate GOP Rolls Up Sleeves, Gets To Work Blocking Every Obama Appointment

After a gloriously fulfilling celebratory circle-jerk for not ‘killing the hostage’ of the global economy, the Senate took a well-deserved two-week vacation. Unfortunately, tradition requires that they come back and find new ways to grab headlines without actually doing anything. While the Senate GOP would like nothing more than to get medieval on Ted Cruz’s ass for dropping their approval numbers slightly lower than a Christmas stocking full of Santorum, our hero Stormin Mormon Harry Reid is going to try to accomplish something, per Politico: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) said on Tuesday he intends to push ahead on six nominations, several of which are proving controversial among Republicans. What could possibly go wrong?  Read more on Senate GOP Rolls Up Sleeves, Gets To Work Blocking Every Obama Appointment…
  also the federal reserve killed kennedy

Janet Yellen To Be First Woman To Lead Shadowy Cabal Of Central Bankers, Jews At Insidious ‘Federal’ ‘Reserve’

Here’s some gubmint news that has NOTHING to do with the SHUTDOWN SLIMDOWN!!1! Breaking the unwritten rule that during a shutdown all news must be related to how the opposition is ruining America, Our Guiding Star of Socialist Dictatorship, His Royal Supreme Lordship Barack H. Obama, has put forth a nominee to be the next Chair of the Federal Reserve! We know you can barely contain your excitement — we honestly peed ourselves a little. Per The Hill: President Obama nominated Janet Yellen as the next chairman of the Federal Reserve Wednesday. Huh… Janet is a funny name for a guy. Waaaaiiiiitttt a second – OBAMA NOMINATED A CHICK!! He does realize that this is, like, a banking/finance job, right? Well, let’s see how the GOP will somehow use this as the next front in their War on Womyn.  Read more on Janet Yellen To Be First Woman To Lead Shadowy Cabal Of Central Bankers, Jews At Insidious ‘Federal’ ‘Reserve’…
  crazy old men

Texas Senator John Cornyn: We Must Burn The Government To Save It

Sometimes you have to burn the village to save it, every soldier knows that, which means it also totally makes sense that you have to shut down the government and then completely deprive it of revenue to fix it. Hear that? Just SHUT THAT SUCKER DOWN, the economy won’t mind at all. And then when you power it back on, drown it in a bathtub, and this is how we will solve all of our problems. Of course, while it’s down, you might not be able to access certain services you have come to depend on (LOSER!) but guess whose fault it is? OBAMA’s, of course. Here, let John Cornyn (R-Idiot) explain at you: Read more on Texas Senator John Cornyn: We Must Burn The Government To Save It…
  #winning

Protests Work! Cornyn & Rubio Drop SOPA, Obama Rejects Keystone

Here’s a little good news to cheer up your Wednesday: Today’s anti-censorship protest across the Internet has already forced Republican senators Marco Rubio and John Cornyn to drop their support of the SOPA bill. Already! Rubio and Cornyn weren’t just supporters, though — Rubio co-sponsored the legislation that would allow the U.S. government to shut down almost any website for almost any reason, and Cornyn heads the GOP’s Senate campaign group. Read more on Protests Work! Cornyn & Rubio Drop SOPA, Obama Rejects Keystone…
  gong sound effect

Democrats To Blame Those Rotten Chinese For Economy This Fall

Democrats DO NOT want to lose their majorities in Congress this November. But the economy sucks, so by the laws of physics, voters will not vote for the party in power. Does this mean Democrats should just give up and actually work on passing things they really believe in? NO. Does it mean they should slyly try to blame the economy on other things to distract the voters? YES YES YES. So what’s the deal with Red China, folks? Why have they ruined our entire economy forever? Read more on Democrats To Blame Those Rotten Chinese For Economy This Fall…
  corporate branding exercises

Gal Who Used To Lie For Dick Cheney & John Cornyn & Bush Admin. Energy Dept. Will Now Lie For BP

Troubled oil giant BP, which just wants its life back, is having a “bad news year” and needs the kind of experienced press flak who’s got plenty of experience lying for America’s most evil people. This is, after all, America — despite the Gulf of Mexico’s mysterious “Mexican Name” that keeps Sarah Palin confused every night on Twitter (“Well if it’s so Mexican then where’s the Taco Bells?”). So, BP hired Dick Cheney’s former press secretary, Anne “Anne Kolton” Womack-Kolton, as the disaster company’s new spokeslady. Everything about this hire is perfect. Read more on Gal Who Used To Lie For Dick Cheney & John Cornyn & Bush Admin. Energy Dept. Will Now Lie For BP…
  republican logic

NOMINEES WITHOUT JUDICIAL EXPERIENCE ARE GREAT, EXCEPT WHEN THEY’RE … DEMOCRATS! Senator John Cornyn (Wingnut-TX) thought it would be “very beneficial” to have a bird-brain non-judge like Harriet Miers on the Supreme Court, because she would have a non-judicial “grounding in reality and common sense” lacking in professional judges. But Elena Kagan is a terrible choice “because she lacks judicial experience.” [Political Wire via Wonkette operative “Matt N.”] Read more on …
  great scandals of our time

John Cornyn Hates Sports And America

NRSC head “Big John” Cornyn of Texas has been having some difficulties on the Twitter Machine in the last 24 hours. He has been attempting to show Americans that he loves college basketball, just like normal people do. Yesterday he wished good luck to two teams that had played the night before, which he later corrected with a profound Twitter Apology. It’s still unclear if America will forgive him, but now, after today’s incident, far less likely. Read more on John Cornyn Hates Sports And America…