Tag Archives: john bolton

  It's the Derp-Derpiest Time Of The Year

Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place

Bachmann kept trying to get the Riddler into Conversion Therapy
Oh, dear lord, Iowa is going to be like a superdense mass of Dumb this weekend, as Rep. Steve King and Citizens United host the “Iowa Freedom Summit” — kind of a Moronic Convergence of rightwing political hacks all coming together to hang out with the man who proclaimed that DREAM Act kids were mostly “drug mules with thighs calves the size of cantaloupes” [how quickly we forget!] and who fretted about the president hosting a “deportable” at the State of the Union. Read more on Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place…
  the tyranny of choice

Why Wait For The Primaries? GOP 2016 Poll Lets You Pick Terrible Candidates Now

Reince Priebus tweeted out an invitation today to go “Pick who you want to be the next president,” via the RNC’s excellent new survey toy. And what a broad selection of fine candidates there is, even though no one’s announced yet, even at this late date. The choices include people who will almost definitely run (Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio), some last hurrah losers of previous campaigns (Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum), as well as some solid “Who’s that again?” names for the veepstakes (Mike Pence, Brian Sandoval). And then there’s a few people we’d love to see in the race solely because they’d be excellent sources of blog posts (John Bolton, Sarah Palin, Allen West). But where’s Elder Statesman Mitt Romney? Read more on Why Wait For The Primaries? GOP 2016 Poll Lets You Pick Terrible Candidates Now…
  if being wrong is wrong she don't wanna be right

John McCain And Jennifer Rubin Sittin’ In A Tree, Being W-R-O-N-G

Oh, golly, John McCain. You probably should have given this a bit more thought, maybe. When Jennifer Rubin says that you and the other two “amigos,” Kelly Ayotte and Martin Short Lindsey Graham, are “distinguished pols of the week,” because she thinks you’ve “been right about a lot of things lately,” that’s not necessarily the kind of achievement you especially want to brag about. Read more on John McCain And Jennifer Rubin Sittin’ In A Tree, Being W-R-O-N-G…
  bring the boys back home

GOP Suddenly Super-Opposed To Freeing American POWs For Some (Obama) Reason (Obama)

Over the weekend, you may have heard, the United States secured the release of its only POW from the ridiculously long war in Afghanistan. Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, who had been held by the Taliban since he apparently wandered away from his base in June of 2009, was swapped for five senior Taliban commanders at Guantanamo Bay. The five men were transferred to Qatar, where they will be monitored by the Qatari government and placed under a one-year travel ban. Hooray, you might have thought to yourself, this kid who never should have been in Afghanistan in the first place gets to come home. Stupid liberal, don’t you know that Emir Hussein Obama of the Sultanate of Kenya has only made the world more dangerous for America now? Read more on GOP Suddenly Super-Opposed To Freeing American POWs For Some (Obama) Reason (Obama)…
  international statesman

Mike Huckabee Offers Creative Renovation Advice For United Nations Building

Former Arkansas governor, teevee talker, and maybe serious presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is doing That Thing He Does once again, throwing red meat to the right wing, probably to be followed by an appearance on the Daily Show where he impresses Jon Stewart with how nice and avuncular he is. But for now, the wingnut fantasies: On Saturday’s Fox & Friends, Huckabee said that the United Nations’ failure to condemn or authorize action against Syria was reason enough to play out a John Birch Society fantasy: “Let’s jackhammer the whole thing off, float it into the East River and be done with it,” Huckabee said We don’t quite get this rightwing fascination with tearing up the UN building and stomping on the pieces — or maybe if you’re John Bolton, just the top 10 stories — but sure, Huck, why not. Or maybe the UN should slide down a rusty razor into a vat of lemon juice. Or we should shoot it into space. Or cover it in honey and let fire ants crawl all over it, then cook the ants and the UN with a giant magnifying glass. Yeah, that’d be cool. Read more on Mike Huckabee Offers Creative Renovation Advice For United Nations Building…
  Congress? We Don't Need No Stinking Congress

GOP Done Being Mad Obama Isn’t Asking For Permission To Bomb Syria; Now Mad … You Get The Idea

So that was some kind of long weekend, eh? Whilst Americans were all mandatorily eatin’ ribs and shooting babies out their twats in accordance with the official definition of that which is Labor Day (thanks, Union Thugs!) President Obama went into the Rose Garden to confuse everyone with speeches about some place called “Syria” and “chemical weapons” and also something about “congressional authorization before bombing shit” and fucking up everything “I want to go to war noooow” presidents who totally never heard of the War Powers Act have gotten off on doing for 40 years. Leave it to the Constitutional scholar, we mean, obvious black guy, to pull some sort of rope-a-dope on Congress, which much prefers to whine about his “executive overreach” every five minutes to now be all pissed about him wanting them to get involved somehow. Read more on GOP Done Being Mad Obama Isn’t Asking For Permission To Bomb Syria; Now Mad … You Get The Idea…
  everybody's a critic

WaPo’s Jennifer Rubin: John Bolton Is Louis CK And George W. Bush Is Mother Teresa

What is it like to be inside Washington Post columnist Jennifer Rubin’s head? Swimming in that soup of confusion and anger all the time? Living with the pressure of pushing out 6, 7, 8 posts per day about just how everyone is wrong and you are right and Bamz is killing us all with healthcare? Say what you will about Rubin, she is not lazy. She is clocking her perpetual grievances and right-wing takeover fantasies on the regular. She’s a veritable workhorse of wrong, a Clydesdale of rage. We can’t even keep up with all her arglebargle, so we had to just pick a few things at random. How about the incredibly bright political future of John Bolton, or his presidential prospects in 2016? Oh hell yeah we’re gonna talk about that. What’s that you say? She wrote about how George W. is the biggest lifesaver of all time? FUCK YES. Read more on WaPo’s Jennifer Rubin: John Bolton Is Louis CK And George W. Bush Is Mother Teresa…
  feel the groundswell!

Secret Conservative Group ‘Groundswell’ Plotted World Domination Through Unbeatable Combination Of Hashtags And Whining

David Corn has a big scoopy scoop today and it is a dose of pure, uncut, unadulterated schadenfreude injected directly into our veins. And we hate needles! Still, we shot up and our eyes rolled back in our head and we went slack and drooled on ourselves, and within ten minutes or so we were ready for more. Schadenfreude is a helluva drug. There is just so much good stuff in this tale of Groundswell, a collection of intellectual luminaries of conservatism like, uh, Frank Gaffney, John Bolton, Clarence Thomas’s wife Ginni Thomas, and tube of chocolate-chip cookie dough lookalike Matt Boyle. The group began meeting earlier this year in the offices of Judicial Watch to plot public-relations strategies and drive conservative messaging and talking points. Because the problem with conservatism in this day and age is simply the packaging, so let’s get the most batshit crazy conservatives working on changing the package! Read more on Secret Conservative Group ‘Groundswell’ Plotted World Domination Through Unbeatable Combination Of Hashtags And Whining…
  Julius Rosenberg Weeps

NSA Leaks: Too Many Dare Call It ‘Treason’

Lord but is this NSA shitfuffle giving some of our elected officials and political figures a chance to do their best impressions of spaghetti-western-era Clint Eastwood (which for our money is the best era Clint Eastwood – we would rather forget about the old-man-ranting-to-an-empty-chair era.) Let us take a look at this children’s treasury of emotional children talking tough about shooting the messenger while ignoring the message. Read more on NSA Leaks: Too Many Dare Call It ‘Treason’…
  dead horse: beaten!

How Sad, Fox News Is Going To Have To Run A Pathetically Stupid Correction Again

Here is a video of Fox & Friends anchorstiff Brian Kilmeade talking to Diplomacy Expert — if by “diplomacy” you mean “Let’s bomb Iran” — John Bolton about Benghazi, trying to find one more person to accuse of Doing It Wrong. Today’s lucky contestant is national security adviser Tom Donilon, who Kilmeade accused of being “missing” during the attacks, although former Secretary of State Clinton testified to Congress that she was in contact with him throughout the night. Kilmeade also wondered why Donilon was completely absent from the White House on the night of the attacks, unless maybe you count the parts when he was photographed in the Oval Office standing a few feet away from Barack Obama, who was also not there, or should have been in the Situation Room, because it is a way better room to be in, haven’t you even seen The West Wing? The MIT Department of High-Energy Theoretical Politics hailed Kilmeade’s comments as a breakthrough in Quantum Punditry and urged further investigation of this innovative Schrödinger’s White House concept. Read more on How Sad, Fox News Is Going To Have To Run A Pathetically Stupid Correction Again…
  wheels within wheels man

Concussion-Gate: Hillary Clinton Perpetrates America’s Most Nefarious Coverup

For us, the worst part of this Benghazi incident (NEVER FORGET! WORSE THAN 9/11 AND WORLD WAR TWO AND STAR WARS EPISODES 1-3 COMBINED!) is that we have to hear what John Bolton thinks about anything at all. Unless we need a helpful primer in how to demand to be in an organization we loathe or how to grow a foolproof  foodtrap mustache, we have no need of John Bolton thank you very much. We are both grateful to, and angry at, Media Matters. They watch John Bolton (and Fox News!) so we don’t have to, but then they write about it and we still have to talk about John Bolton (and Fox News!) and how Hillz is just faking that concussion so she doesn’t have to testify about our nation’s greatest overseas tragedy: Read more on Concussion-Gate: Hillary Clinton Perpetrates America’s Most Nefarious Coverup…
  Still Not Watergate

Bitter Old Senators And Hot Young Thing Deeply Troubled By Americans’ Inexplicable Refusal To Freak Out Over Benghazi

Egad! Horrible lying liar Susan Rice and acting CIA Director Mike Morrell met with senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham, and new amiga Kelly Ayotte, and she scurrilously admitted that what she said on TV talk shows five days after the Benghazi attacks was factually incorrect because she didn’t have all the facts at the time she said that the attack was being investigated. McCain, Graham, and Ayotte immediately told reporters that the real scandal here is that when Rice went on TV, she said a thing that turned out not to be true, simply because the CIA had told her that thing, and instead of simply saying “we don’t know,” she said that they thought maybe it was one thing, but they were still looking into it. How dare she mislead the American people like that! No, really, that is the actual controversy, as near as we can figure out. Read more on Bitter Old Senators And Hot Young Thing Deeply Troubled By Americans’ Inexplicable Refusal To Freak Out Over Benghazi…
  oh man

No, John Bolton, They Were Just Laughing At A Dick Joke

Yesterday Joe Biden was yakkin’ about foreign policy at NYU and said, “I promise you, the President has a big stick. I promise you.” All of the students laughed at this, because, ha ha, penis. Yes, that’s what they were laughing at, John Bolton. They were not cracking up at the perceived irony of this statement and Barack Obama’s actual record of asserting power versus that of Teddy Roosevelt. Dick jokes, John Bolton. They’re everywhere. Read more on No, John Bolton, They Were Just Laughing At A Dick Joke…
  social issues math

Mitt Romney Somehow Liberal Now For Hiring Gay GOP War Salesman

The Mitt Romney campaign hired a gay! But that’s just a matter of statistics, right, because come on, the Gay Old Party, et cetera? No, this Richard Grenell, Romney’s new “national security and foreign policy spokesman,” is an openly gay gay Republican. Uh-oh, this must be liberal Massachusetts Mittens trying to “move to the center” now that the general election has begun, by freely associating with known homosexuals. It is just as the Etch a Sketch foretold! Yes, it is all very centrist. So centrist of Mitt Romney, hiring a gay. Centrist centrist centrist. Well, centrist except for the part about Grenell being a George W. Bush appointee who directed communications strategy for the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations when the United States was busy telling lies to everyone in the United Nations about Iraq’s fictional weapons of mass destruction. But uh, still centrist, right? Read more on Mitt Romney Somehow Liberal Now For Hiring Gay GOP War Salesman…
  toilet humor

Newt Gingrich Needs Two Times As Many Bathrooms As Everyone Else

Here is some particularly gross gossip unearthed by the Smoking Gun that somehow met the “news” qualification at the Washington Post: according to this rider from a 2010 speaking engagement in Missouri, Newt Gingrich’s lengthy demands include two bathrooms in his hotel room, because he is just that full of shit. But all things considered, this is the least disgusting thing we have learned about Newt Gingrich so far in history. A quick six-second search is guaranteed to turn up something even worse… let’s see, oh here we go, apparently Newt Gingrich is breaking the law now by announcing he wants John Bolton to be his Secretary of State? Read more on Newt Gingrich Needs Two Times As Many Bathrooms As Everyone Else…
  better than holy water

Single Photograph Will Keep You From Ever Thinking About Sex Again

Do you have a “pretend sex addiction”? Or, if you’re lucky enough to occasionally be around people who drunkenly agree to have sex with you, do you lack interest in “real sex” because of the hot Internet trend of becoming physically numb/impotent when trying to make sexytime with an actual warm human body because of the inexhaustible supply of tawdry pornography on your iPhone, which you cannot stop looking at for even one minute? In other words, do you want an easy way to break yourself from the cripplingly awful tedium of Internet porn addiction? We have a solution for you, young people of America! No longer will you lose entire days of your “search for employment or a community college that will take you back” to the wickedness of free naked people pictures. Just bookmark the following image and click it whenever you’re tempted. Read more on Single Photograph Will Keep You From Ever Thinking About Sex Again…