Tag: john boehner

Love, America

Congress Reaches New Levels of Suckitude With Funding Bill: A Wonksplainer

A few years ago, Congress got rid of earmarks because of corruption. In Jurassic Park, we learned that nature will find a way. In the same vein, our GOP overlords in Congress are teaching us that corruption will find...

How Paul Ryan Failed As House Speaker In Record Time: A Wonksplainer

Paul Ryan gained the Speaker’s Gavel after everyone and their mother determined that he was THE ONLY ONE who could save the GOP from disastrous dumbassery after Crybaby McDrunkerson decided to peace out. While Ryan demurred like a coy...

Send Your Fundie Sister Some Hope On A Rope Soap This War On Christmas Season!

"You could stay in the alley behind my Burbank soap factory," the lady was saying in the Wonkette comments. It didn't seem a better offer was coming in for places in Los Angeles to park the Wonkette Mobile Command...

Pissed Off God Levels Toledo For Failing To Elect Prophetess Opal Covey Mayor

Hey, Toledo, whatcha doin? Not smoking legal pot? WE HEARD. And we also heard you had "reasons" for not legalizing it. Whatever, you do you, with your "principles." But we aren't even having this conversation right now, Toledo, because...
Liberal Icons Everywhere

Let’s Meet The Dirty Cabal Of ‘Liberals’ Who Control The ‘Liberal Media’

Did you guys watch CNBC's shitty GOP Debate? True to their "First In Business" tagline, those free market champs gouged America with pay access for the privilege of watching a gaggle of hacks complain about any question that wasn't,...

Congress Gives Paul Ryan Speaker’s Gavel, To Choke On

What a long strange stumble down the stairway to hell for Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan. Sorry, Paul "D, as in Dingleberry Double Douche Didn't Want The Job Anyway" Ryan. The boy wonder policy wonk who crafted a "budget" his beloved...
Obviously

The Top 29 Things The ‘D’ In Paul Ryan’s New Fancy Speaker Name Stands For

HEY LADIES, big news! Paul Ryan is officially the Republican Party's nominee for new doomed speaker of the House of Representatives. (The full House will vote for him on Thursday; Democrats are expected to support the GOP's choice, if...
Life of the sexxx party

Sloppy Sexxxy Drunk Lindsey Graham Way Better Than Regular Kind, Still Won’t Be President

A funny thing happened on the way to the Republican kids' table early bird pre-show "debate" for second-tier losers: Sen. Lindsey Graham got hammered. According to the bar full of journalists knocking it back with the South Carolina senator and...
I'm sure it will work THIS time

Boehner Announces Committee To Investigate How Planned Parenthood Did Benghazi

Having so successfully gotten to the bottom of what really happened at Benghazi -- Sidney Blumenthal gave the stand-down order, on YouTube, and then partied all night with Hillary -- House Republicans are ready to prove again how effective these...

How The Wingnut Freedom Caucus Took Congress Hostage: A Wonksplainer

Colloquially speaking, the Freedom Caucus is the spoiled asshole millennial who can’t find his dick with Lindsey Graham’s hands but is demanding the corner office straight out of college. Metaphorically speaking, it's the shit-stained pile of week-old garbage creating nothing but misery and...

Paul Ryan Grabs His Ankles For GOP Wingnuts, Will Be Speaker Until They Kill Him Too

A super SEXCITING thing happened on Capitol Hill on Thursday. Yes, Hillary Clinton became president during the Benghazi hearing, doy, but we're talking about the other sexciting thing: the end of Rep. Paul Ryan's political future! Ryan had reluctantly agreed to run for speaker of...
This is Hillary's 'Are you shitting me?' face. We saw it a lot.

Benghazi Republican: Why Didn’t Hillary Have Lesbian Sleepovers With Ambassador Stevens?

So ... um ... this just happened at the Benghazi hearing, and we do not even know what the even. Republican Kansas Rep. Mike Pompeo -- you remember him from this morning, he's real jealous of how Hillz has friends and...
See? Running scared, all right.

Benghazi Committee Republicans Super Jealous They Don’t Get Cool Emails Like Hillary

We are only a few hours into Hillary Clinton chewing gum and kicking ass at the Benghazi Committee hearing, but we have already learned a new thing. No, not that the Republicans on the committee are gonna look like...

Happy Benghazi Day! Watch Hillary Clinton Admit She Did Benghazi, For The LOLs

It's here, it's finally here! Hillary Clinton is testifying before Congress, for the first time ever except for the other time she already did, to answer questions that have already been answered a million times. And maybe now we will...

House Wingnuts Will Let Paul Ryan Be Speaker, But Only If He Wears ‘Kick Me’ Sign

Previously, on "As The House GOP Burns": Wonky Wisconsin Wunderkind Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Stairway To Heaven) had reluctantly agreed to swoop in and save the damsels in distress. The damsels in distress being, of course, the Republicans who have eated...
lying liar who lies

Paul Ryan Agrees To Be Next GOP Speaker To Resign In Disgrace

T'was mere weeks ago that we said Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan was not quite idiot enough to agree to be the next speaker of the House. Well, fool us twice and can't get fooled again. After weeks of pathetic...