Tag: john boehner

Liberal Icons Everywhere

Let’s Meet The Dirty Cabal Of ‘Liberals’ Who Control The ‘Liberal Media’

Did you guys watch CNBC's shitty GOP Debate? True to their "First In Business" tagline, those free market champs gouged America with pay access for the privilege of watching a gaggle of hacks complain about any question that wasn't,...

Congress Gives Paul Ryan Speaker’s Gavel, To Choke On

What a long strange stumble down the stairway to hell for Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan. Sorry, Paul "D, as in Dingleberry Double Douche Didn't Want The Job Anyway" Ryan. The boy wonder policy wonk who crafted a "budget" his beloved...
Obviously

The Top 29 Things The ‘D’ In Paul Ryan’s New Fancy Speaker Name Stands For

HEY LADIES, big news! Paul Ryan is officially the Republican Party's nominee for new doomed speaker of the House of Representatives. (The full House will vote for him on Thursday; Democrats are expected to support the GOP's choice, if...
Life of the sexxx party

Sloppy Sexxxy Drunk Lindsey Graham Way Better Than Regular Kind, Still Won’t Be President

A funny thing happened on the way to the Republican kids' table early bird pre-show "debate" for second-tier losers: Sen. Lindsey Graham got hammered. According to the bar full of journalists knocking it back with the South Carolina senator and...
I'm sure it will work THIS time

Boehner Announces Committee To Investigate How Planned Parenthood Did Benghazi

Having so successfully gotten to the bottom of what really happened at Benghazi -- Sidney Blumenthal gave the stand-down order, on YouTube, and then partied all night with Hillary -- House Republicans are ready to prove again how effective these...

How The Wingnut Freedom Caucus Took Congress Hostage: A Wonksplainer

Colloquially speaking, the Freedom Caucus is the spoiled asshole millennial who can’t find his dick with Lindsey Graham’s hands but is demanding the corner office straight out of college. Metaphorically speaking, it's the shit-stained pile of week-old garbage creating nothing but misery and...

Paul Ryan Grabs His Ankles For GOP Wingnuts, Will Be Speaker Until They Kill Him Too

A super SEXCITING thing happened on Capitol Hill on Thursday. Yes, Hillary Clinton became president during the Benghazi hearing, doy, but we're talking about the other sexciting thing: the end of Rep. Paul Ryan's political future! Ryan had reluctantly agreed to run for speaker of...
This is Hillary's 'Are you shitting me?' face. We saw it a lot.

Benghazi Republican: Why Didn’t Hillary Have Lesbian Sleepovers With Ambassador Stevens?

So ... um ... this just happened at the Benghazi hearing, and we do not even know what the even. Republican Kansas Rep. Mike Pompeo -- you remember him from this morning, he's real jealous of how Hillz has friends and...
See? Running scared, all right.

Benghazi Committee Republicans Super Jealous They Don’t Get Cool Emails Like Hillary

We are only a few hours into Hillary Clinton chewing gum and kicking ass at the Benghazi Committee hearing, but we have already learned a new thing. No, not that the Republicans on the committee are gonna look like...

Happy Benghazi Day! Watch Hillary Clinton Admit She Did Benghazi, For The LOLs

It's here, it's finally here! Hillary Clinton is testifying before Congress, for the first time ever except for the other time she already did, to answer questions that have already been answered a million times. And maybe now we will...

House Wingnuts Will Let Paul Ryan Be Speaker, But Only If He Wears ‘Kick Me’ Sign

Previously, on "As The House GOP Burns": Wonky Wisconsin Wunderkind Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Stairway To Heaven) had reluctantly agreed to swoop in and save the damsels in distress. The damsels in distress being, of course, the Republicans who have eated...
lying liar who lies

Paul Ryan Agrees To Be Next GOP Speaker To Resign In Disgrace

T'was mere weeks ago that we said Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan was not quite idiot enough to agree to be the next speaker of the House. Well, fool us twice and can't get fooled again. After weeks of pathetic...
Borned stupid.

Everybody Hates Ted Cruz: George W. Bush Edition

It is a well-known fact that there is nobody in the world who REALLY loves Ted Cruz. All the people who say they do are just kinda faking it because they don't want to be mean, even though Ted...

Let’s Meet The Sexy Montana Navy SEAL Stud Who Will Obviously Be Next House Speaker!

When I first met Wonkette in person, at the 2012 Republican National Convention, she was drunkenly helping me post an exclusive about an unhinged Obama-bashing ad (focused laser-like on Obama's destructive surrender-bowing tendencies), which I had just obtained from...

Dear Republicans, Could You Please Stop Crying And Do Your Jobs For Five Minutes?

With all of the drunk-quitting and SEX SCANDALS and absolute all-out civil war DRAMA in the Republican Party, and grown-ass men crying (literally, CRYING!) because the nihilist wing of the party is so mean, you probably forgot there's this small...
Just plain sad

What Does The Speaker Of The House Do, Other Than Adultery? A Wonksplainer

Republicans are avoiding the race for speaker of the House like how Rick Santorum avoids post-coital eye contact with goats. The job that is second in line for the presidency is only attracting whackjobs, arsonists, and tin foil hat-wearers....