Now now, liberals, you can no longer smugly declare in political arguments, “the Republicans don’t even have a health care plan,” because they do! John Boehner released the GOP alternative plan a few days ago, and the CBO scored it, to much fanfare. It is but a modest (Very Responsible Centrist) plan to save America from the Muslims. One of its central tenets — and the health care thing you’ve been hearing Republicans blab on about most, after they’ve exhausted tort reform — is to allow consumers to purchase health care plans across state lines. Doesn’t that sound nice, for competition and pricing? But what if… what if many of the health insurers then set up shop in the “state” of the Northern Marianas, where there is not a single law against anything? MORE »

Gee whiz, not even plague-ridden rodents phase BARACK OBAMA! It’s true: Once upon a time young Barry Obama was talking on the telephone — as Chicago lawyers often do — when quite out of nowhere a grimy rat scurried across the floor and climbed up his leg. TONY REZKO had threatened to unleash the rats if the rent was ever late, but Barry thought he was just joshing and so did Barry’s law partner BILL AYERS, who feared all species of vermin and instinctively jumped out the window. But Obama? Obama was cool as a cucumber, and offered the rat a smoke … MORE »

Stray boys and cats are already camping outside of Target in hopes of procuring a SARAH PALIN NAUGHTY ALASKAN MAID HALLOWEEN COSTUME (one size fits all). Complete with a moose pelt mini skirt, an apron/Twitter feed, a GOP debit card and a boner-inducing book deal, industry analysts predict the nipple-hardening Alaskan get-up will be an easier sell than IRAQI WMDS! … MORE »

Michael Steele! It has been a full forty-five minutes since he has last tempted John Boehner to actually murder him. Things are quiet… too quiet. Back on The Streets when things were too quiet, this meant that one of the Street People had to make a move. You can bet your Boston Terrier that Michael Steele has internalized the Street Lessons. John Boehner would be a FOOL if for one second he really believed that Michael Steele considered the GOP’s threats to be hip OR hop, ho ho ho! Manifestly, that sort of arrogance would get him GUN-KILLED back on the Streets! Michael Steele’s hatred of John Boehner is literally the only possible explanation for Steele’s latest thing: publicly announcing how much he loves ACORN’s leader, despite, of course, despising the work that she does and everything she stands for. MORE »

Oh shit, yo! You know who simply did not care for Michael Steele’s “seniors’ bill of rights”? Well, yes, of course: seniors. But also Republicans, who had to call a Secret Republican Meeting for purposes of going around the room, counter-clockwise, and everyone saying one thing they hate most about Michael Steele. The most popular answer: any time he involves himself in policy, in any way. Upon hearing this, Steele responded with his famed composure:  “And at one point, Steele, a Washington native, said that his upbringing in the ’streets’ made him a fighter and that he was determined to continue fighting and aggressively defending the party.” MORE »

• John Boehner has yet to talk to a doctor who thinks his skin in a natural, healthy color. [Think Progress]
• Yes yes, so Barack Obama used “red pill” and “blue pill” in the same sentence, which all you cultured assholes think is just so funny and ironic. Jesus Lord. Are you upset the Wachowski brothers didn’t brief Obama on health care or something? [RedState]
• Like all the other 6-foot-5 giants in the world, Matthew Yglesias is a happy man. Don’t forget the little guys, Matt! [Matt Yglesias]
• Andrew Sullivan is still “on holiday” which means the Daily Dish is still an icanhascheezburger RSS feed. [Andrew Sullivan]
• So just how bad was yesterday? You remember. You were there. It sucked. [TPM]

Oh ho ho! Now how did we miss this? How did we miss the BOEHNER BEACH PARTY? Must’ve been one sloppy, sloppy meat market… for orange people. [Think Progress]

Aww, helpful orange minority leader John Boehner drew a pretty picture proving that health care in the United States is complicated. Others have already noted that if John Boehner cares about simplicity above all else, then he should throw his weight behind a single payer system. But Wonkette subtext operative “Kathleen” unearths the real scandal here: under the current draft of the House Health Plan, all doctors would be BLACK WOMEN, and all “consumers” would be AMERICAN (white), and the “health insurance exchange” would just be a Ponzi scheme to collect reparations cash. [Washington Monthly]

Here’s the hot new Republican YouTube, “Hey Half-Breed, Where Mah Job, Haw Haw,” produced by orange House Minority Leader John Boehner. The first-person documentary follows a retarded man wandering into AIG offices and hamburger saloons detectivin’ (unsuccessfully) for them there “stimulus jobs” that the Kenyan feller kept hollerin’ about. And then John Boehner appears and complains about how his dog is unemployed and on welfare. [YouTube]

Today, in our ongoing celebration of profane Republican lawmakers, we bring you the beloved Ohio smoke-mummy John Boehner. On Friday he very coyly suggested that Nancy Pelosi’s “Let’s All Give Anal Beads to the Polar Bears for Christmas” enviroterrorist legislation was not quite to his taste … MORE »

We will post a thorough report later this evening of last night’s Wonkette Field Trip to the annual Congressional Baseball Game, but until then, here’s the story of how a little boy’s heart was torn to shreds. All Intern Riley — clad in his finest pink “Sting” sweater — wanted at this game was a photograph with the Republican team’s mascot, Orange John Boehner. Riley even offered him a friendly Hitler salute! But just before Riley’s turn for dream-realization came up, Boehner cut off all photos. Is this how an orange professional sports mascot is supposed to treat children?