Tag: john boehner

Beloved cartoon character Elmer Fudd proclaims it's Rabid Season

Team Of Evils: Jeff Sessions Was Too Racist To Be A Federal Judge, But He Could Be Your Next Attorney General!

Yes, that election happened. And here's your proof that it's not just a bad dream.

Nancy Pelosi Just Cold Trollin’ Paul Ryan Now, And Also She Hatin’

Pelosi can't stop chuckle-snorting about what a weenus Paul Ryan is, and it's GREAT.
But...but...I need my paycheck!

Wingnut Tea Party Jerk Renee Ellmers Loses Primary, Calls Woman Fat, Like You Do

Rep. Renee Ellmers, a Tea Party darling who was a reliable voice of wingnuttery on cable TV news, lost her primary election Tuesday after her seat was redistricted. We wish her a fond farewell and a well-deserved obscurity.
History's Greatest Monster, 2016 Edition

CONFIRMED: Hillary Is Sleaziest Email Criminal Since Colin Powell

Did Hillary do something wrong? Yeah. Did everybody else do something wrong too? Yeah. IS EVERYBODY SORRY FOR WHAT THEY DID?

Dead Breitbart Appalled By Hillary Staffer’s Dirty F*cking Potty Mouth

If there's one thing we can all agree on at Wonkette, it's that the only thing worse than a lady is a cusser. Make that a cussing lady and we run for the hills! So we empathize with what Dead...
Soon we can get back to insurance industry death panels the way Thomas Jefferson intended

House Lawsuit Makes Obamacare Worse, Just Like They Wanted. Hooray!

A federal judge ruled Thursday to kill Obama with fire, or at least shine a really warm light bulb on part of it.

RIP Ted Cruz, For Now You Are Dead. A Wonkette Post-Mortem!

Did you guys hear the news? NO, Ted Cruz did not die in a fire made out of dildos soaked with the blood of the risen Christ, why would you think that?! But you probably DID hear that Ted...
Dirty mouth!

Pity John Boehner Won’t Say What He Really Thinks About Ted Cruz

John Boehner is easy, breezy, and beautiful these days, ever since he sobbed his way out of his position as speaker of the House. We can only imagine how many adult beverages he's had since then, but we're hoping...
He's thinking of ideas right now.

New House Speaker Paul Ryan Has Some Ideas, You Guys!

Fresh-faced dumb baby House Speaker Paul Ryan woked up all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning! He did his P90X, said his affirmations into the mirror, and then tweeted out an idea he had been having, about how it would be...
OK not ALL the little children, according to Republicans.

Teabagger Congressman Furious With Obama For Stealing Jesus From Teabaggers

Remember Dave Brat? He is the teabagger who decided Virginia congressman Eric Cantor was a stinkin' liberal, primaried him from the right, and beat him, thus depriving Cantor of all his future hopes and dreams, and forcing John Boehner to...
Just imagine it's a pith helmet or whatever

Ben Carson Was Going To Be Chief Neurosurgeon Of Congress One Time Too

Another exciting installment in the Choose Your Own Adventure series that is Ben Carson's fascinating whoa-if-true (but probably not true) life story! According to reliable source Ben Carson, in 2014 -- long before Republicans forced Speaker John Boehner to quit his job, leaving...

President Obama Cries Like A Drunk Ex-Speaker Over Dead Kids, What A Pussy

It's National Gun-Grabbin' Day, with President Obama finally -- finally! -- delivering the tyranny we've all been waiting for. During his speech at the White House (so typical of him, acting like he's got a right to sully the White House with...
Love, America

Congress Reaches New Levels of Suckitude With Funding Bill: A Wonksplainer

A few years ago, Congress got rid of earmarks because of corruption. In Jurassic Park, we learned that nature will find a way. In the same vein, our GOP overlords in Congress are teaching us that corruption will find...

How Paul Ryan Failed As House Speaker In Record Time: A Wonksplainer

Paul Ryan gained the Speaker’s Gavel after everyone and their mother determined that he was THE ONLY ONE who could save the GOP from disastrous dumbassery after Crybaby McDrunkerson decided to peace out. While Ryan demurred like a coy...

Send Your Fundie Sister Some Hope On A Rope Soap This War On Christmas Season!

"You could stay in the alley behind my Burbank soap factory," the lady was saying in the Wonkette comments. It didn't seem a better offer was coming in for places in Los Angeles to park the Wonkette Mobile Command...

Pissed Off God Levels Toledo For Failing To Elect Prophetess Opal Covey Mayor

Hey, Toledo, whatcha doin? Not smoking legal pot? WE HEARD. And we also heard you had "reasons" for not legalizing it. Whatever, you do you, with your "principles." But we aren't even having this conversation right now, Toledo, because...