Tag Archives: john boehner

  Have you been drinking again you miserable sot!?

Clinton Email Bombshell: John Boehner Probably Blackout Drunk Right Now

Can't you just taste his bitter, drunken, photoshopped tears?
Can’t you just taste his bitter, drunken, photoshopped tears? Monday brought us another end-of-month dump of like 7000 Hillary Clinton emails from the State Department, and the most important things we learned are: she likes The Good Wife and Parks and Recreation, she wrote the goofiest diplomatic email heading/message in history, and everyone says Boehner’s a drunk. She is definitely one email away from prison, now. Read more on Clinton Email Bombshell: John Boehner Probably Blackout Drunk Right Now…
  Ohio Republicans Mad About A Thing

Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names

Wuss Mountain, more like.
Surprised he didn’t rename it Hope The Terrorists Win Mountain. Emperor Obama has issued another fatwa, and this time it is about how it’s no longer okay for North America’s highest peak, which is located right in the middle of Ohio in Alaska, to be named after President William McKinley, but rather, it should be given a funny foreign Alaskan name, “Denali.” This is obvious government overreach, as all mountains got their names directly from Jesus, when they were formed, and He wanted this one to be named after a U.S. president. You have questions, we have answers. Read more on Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names…
  Read to find out which one!

John Boehner Said A Swear About Ted Cruz!

Dirty mouth!
Dirty mouth! The orange man who is the boss of the House of Representatives opened his orange face at a Colorado fundraiser and out came a cuss! And, boy howdy, we agree with him for once. He said the “J” word about Ted Cruz! Read more on John Boehner Said A Swear About Ted Cruz!…
  Everyone point and laugh at the losers

Dear Congress: We Hate You. XOXO, America

Dirty mouth!
Kiss THIS It has been a while since we pretended we didn’t already know the answer to the question: Do Americans like Congress, yes or no? Last time, the answer was “HAHAHA, you’re joking, right? I’d rather have head lice and a root canal!” (Not joking. That was the answer.) That was almost two years ago, before Republicans won the Senate and took complete control of Congress, with all their neat ideas about killing jobs and Obamacare and the environment and whatever other shiny thing is in front of their faces. Read more on Dear Congress: We Hate You. XOXO, America…
  New Genocide Needed So Wingnuts Can Find Fresh Metaphor

Watch Erick Erickson Shove This Coat Hanger Up GOP’s Vagina!

Little angel babies!
. Perpetual rage machine and Fox News contributor Erick Erickson is really, really mad that Planned Parenthood is getting rich off trafficking in murdered baby parts (which it isn’t, but shut up, he knows it is). Not only is he demanding a government shutdown if funding for Planned Parenthood isn’t immediately aborted, he also says that if the GOP doesn’t have the huevos to completely bring government to a halt over a bunch of misleadingly edited videos, then it’s damn well time for conservatives to destroy the Republican Party. More. Maybe they could start a whole new party just for anti-abortion absolutists, with a bloody fetus hanging on a cross for its symbol. Read more on Watch Erick Erickson Shove This Coat Hanger Up GOP’s Vagina!…
  Get him a hanky

Crybaby John Boehner Must Be On His Period Again

Tanned, ready, and drunk as fuck John Boehner is sooooo Mr. Sensitive Male — the Alan Alda of the House of Representatives, really — with all of his delicate feelings and all of his Merlot-flavored tears. So why is Boehner crying today? Did he break a nail? Get a tear in his stockings? Get dumped by someone he thought was really The One? Oh, no, he is crying because being interviewed for the Golf Channel — THE GOLF CHANNEL, PEOPLE! — really moves him a whole lot. To tears: Read more on Crybaby John Boehner Must Be On His Period Again…
  Also bad at doctoring

Rand Paul Canceling Government Again, Because Planned Parenthood (And Because He’s A Dick)

He went to some kind of medical school?
Hiya, Rand Paul, how are you being terrible today? Doing a “filibuster“? Yelling at all the girl journalists, for not journalisming at you like you like? Telling jokes about your college Aqua Buddha hijinks when you “kidnapped” a lady, HAHAHAHA? (Probably not that, actually.) Read more on Rand Paul Canceling Government Again, Because Planned Parenthood (And Because He’s A Dick)…
  Now It's Time To Go To Jail

Barack Obama Goes To Prison. Sorry, Wingnuts, He’s Just Visiting

You mean empathy isn't a dirty word? Even for *lawbreakers*?
Barack Obama made a bit of history Thursday, becoming the first sitting president to visit a federal prison. This follows a pretty impressive speech to the NAACP Wednesday, in which he said some things that, for a Democrat in earlier decades, would have prompted months of conservatives howling about the president being “soft on crime” — and other Democrats attempting damage control by sponsoring Get Tuff legislation. Read more on Barack Obama Goes To Prison. Sorry, Wingnuts, He’s Just Visiting…
  Have fun in jail

Disgraced Former Rep. And Roid-Rager Michael Grimm Going To Pokey, For Tax Criming

Michael Grimm, tax cheat
Remember Michael Grimm? Probably not, but we will remind you. He was a Republican congressman from New York that one time, until he had to resign because of how he didn’t report of all his wages and revenue and kinda sorta filed fake tax documents for his restaurant, Healthalicious, OOPS, which is UNLEGAL, as a former FBI agent should probably know. First he was all like, “Nah, I did not cheat on my taxes, because I am a moral man, a man of integrity, so I would never — ah, damnit, OK, you caught me, yeah I did that, I am guilty. But I will not resign from Congress, and you can’t make me!” Read more on Disgraced Former Rep. And Roid-Rager Michael Grimm Going To Pokey, For Tax Criming…
  You know who else made videos?

House GOP Knew About Planned Parenthood’s Fetus Parts Yard Sale Last Month, Didn’t Care

Not until you make them
By now, we all know about the gotcha video exposing Planned Parenthood for harvesting unborned baby parts — and their souls!!! — to sell on the black market, for money and for kicks. We also know the video is a family-sized crockpot of slow-roasted bullshit. (Yes, that is a thing we know. As we and everyone else have explained.) Read more on House GOP Knew About Planned Parenthood’s Fetus Parts Yard Sale Last Month, Didn’t Care…
  He Who Delta It Smelt-a It

Barack Obama Stoled All The Rain In California And Gave It To Iran, Says Drunk John Boehner

strictly enforced
Speaker of the Oompaloompas John Boehner took to the Facebook Tuesday to let America know why California has a drought. Now, you might think it has something to do with the decided lack of rain over the past few years, but you’d be fooling yourself. Nope, Boehner knows that the drought was caused by “liberal environmentalists’ backwards priorities” and of course Barack Obama: Read more on Barack Obama Stoled All The Rain In California And Gave It To Iran, Says Drunk John Boehner…
  Definitely More Said Than Done

Nancy Pelosi Sticks Confederate Flag In Republicans’ Eyeholes, Chaos Ensues

Sadly just a photoshop job
The fight over the Confederate Flag in the U.S. House of Representatives got weird Thursday, complete with shouting, bills being pulled off the floor, and, most terrifying of all, open and flagrant deployment of parliamentary procedure. The fuck-tussle was a sequel to Wednesday’s butthurt-fest by southern Republicans who sought to undo a Democratic move to limit display of Confederate flags in national cemeteries; in response, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi introduced a separate resolution that would have banned the display of Confederate symbols in the U.S. Capitol. Rather than going on record for or against the treason banner, Republicans voted instead to refer the bill to committee, essentially punting on the issue. Read more on Nancy Pelosi Sticks Confederate Flag In Republicans’ Eyeholes, Chaos Ensues…
  the world's greatest deliberative body

Republicans Have Secret Plan If SCOTUS Kills Obamacare. No, You Can’t See It.

Oh, yeah, good old-fashioned Nightmare Fuel
Rest easy, America: If the Supreme Court murders Obamacare over what amounts to a proofreading error later this month, Republicans are ready with a replacement plan, according to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. No, you can’t see it. It’s a surprise. Stop trying to peek. Stop it! There is too something in the box, just don’t shake it or you’ll ruin it! Read more on Republicans Have Secret Plan If SCOTUS Kills Obamacare. No, You Can’t See It….
  Bombs away!

House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War

You know how we do not have any money? And we are drowning in debt? And we should abolish the IRS and the Department of Education and repeal all healthcare and privatize Social Security and “fix Medicaid” by killing it dead so we can drown the U.S. government in a bathtub? And Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake is real concerned that we spend a whopping $135k a year to quarantine cocoa plants so they do not die from disease and infestation and we do not run out of chocolate, and that’s a horrible waste of taxpayer dollars, and that’s why we’re so broke? Read more on House Republicans Find Billions Of Dollars Under Couch Cushions, Will Spend It On War…
  And You Know That Notion Just Crossed His Mind

Speaker John Boehner Does Not Care For Your Stupid Railroad Safety Questions

Nina Paley liberates her inner Crumb
John Boehner is not going to just put up with reporters’ loaded questions about the safety of our railroads, dammit. Amtrak has plenty of money, and suggesting otherwise is just plain stupid, the Republican Speaker of the House insisted Thursday. Asked if there was any merit to the wacky idea that lack of funding for safety systems could have contributed to Wednesday’s deadly Amtrak crash in Philadelphia, the Boehner got quite testy indeed: Read more on Speaker John Boehner Does Not Care For Your Stupid Railroad Safety Questions…