Wonkette

A Wonkette St. Louis Radio Spy sends us a thrilling update on the John Ashcroft Saliva Auction, now taken down from eBay because it was too sexy for mainstream tastes. Our dreams of cloning a personal army of Ashcroft Sex Robots is slowly dimming. The sad report straight from a listener’s ears, after the jump. MORE »

Once upon a time John Ashcroft was widely regarded as the worst Attorney General ever, until Alberto Gonzales came along and showed America what a truly terrible Attorney General looked like. And then the news came about Gonzales and some other henchmen going to visit Ashcroft on his deathbed to sign some thing or other, and Ashcroft was like, “Eat a dick, Al,” which temporarily endeared him to the 400 Democrats who care about this stuff. The point is, some dude is auctioning off a glass that Ashcroft once drank out of … and the contents are included. MORE »

Former U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft was speaking at Skidmore College in upstate New York when he became a racist, a terrible racist, again. He accidentally referred to Barack Obama by his Christian middle name, “Osama.” Then the college liberals boo him, boo him some more, and then… wait, why is John Ashcroft still alive? Didn’t Alberto Gonzales pull the plug on him in that hospital room that time, so as to torture people? [YouTube via Saratoga Springs News]

On Monday, I directed you to an ultra-glamorous velvet painting of the secretary of state as an example of the wonderful world of Condi-inspired art. Since I was in a Condicentric mood (as usual), I never thought to see what else this gifted painter had to offer. Well, let me tell you, the Condi painting on black velvet was only the tip of a fabulous iceberg! Join me after the jump to marvel over Velvet Rove, Velvet Cheney, Velvet Ashcroft and… Velvet Lynndie England? Are these the most superfantastic portraits of our time? Probably!

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It’s so hard to decide sometimes whether Ashcroft is good or evil. He presided over the initial implementation of the Patriot Act, then got hounded by Gonzo on his deathbed about illegal wiretapping and now he’s gone back to defending the Patriot Act again. But, now, it’s with more torture-y goodness!

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After a number of press conferences in which he was uncomfortably photographed underneath a statue of a naked woman, John Ashcroft ordered the offensive titties covered up during his tenure. One of Gonzo’s first acts in office was to restore the breasts to their former naked glory. Yesterday, at new Attorney General Michael Mukasey’s swearing-in ceremony, Ashcroft was reunited with his nemesis. This is what we imagine it probably looked like. [Washington Post]

Jack Goldsmith is some guy who used to work at the DOJ, and so, natch, he’s got a book coming out. It’s called something like “Why I’m a Good Conservative and Not an Evil One” or something like that. The New York Times published an excerpt today, and OMG, is it boring? This is supposed to be the juiciest stuff from the forthcoming remainder-bin mold-gatherer, and all we get is this: MORE »

Here they are, in happier days: The Singing Senators barbershop quartet! Pictured from right, that’s Jim Jeffords, John Ashcroft, Larry “Wide Stance” Craig and Trent Lott, performing Judy Garland songs. They also performed a beloved selection of Barbara Streisand numbers and once opened for Rufus Wainwright Jr. Ha ha, just kidding, they weren’t actually any good so they didn’t open for anybody except the, uh, Oak Ridge Boys in Branson, Missouri. That part is apparently true.

The Singing Senators: Behind the Music [The Fed]

This week, Dawn Eden, Patrick Fitzgerald, Bill Emmott, John Bolton, John Boehner, and John Ashcroft were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump.

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In testimony before the Senate yesterday, former deputy Attorney General James B. Comey did the unthinkable: he made us sympathetic to John Ashcroft. Wholda thunk? MORE »

* Witness the giant cow balls of Pete Domenici, who uses the Justice Department for political mud-slinging and is happy to admit it. [WP, NYT]
* The “new” Iraq strategy - why worry? [WP]
* Barry Hussein and H Dot Clinton keep their eyes on the prize. [WP, NYT]
* Calling secretary of veterans affairs Jim Nicholson a partisan hack causes, “a calmness to come over him.” [NYT]
* Robert Gates isn’t Donald Rumsfeld, and that’s half the battle. [WP]
* John Ashcroft won’t shut his whorish mouth about the satellite radio merger. [WSJ]
* Ah, the ’70s: an age when Vice Presidential candidates with diagnosed mental illness were actually discouraged from running. [NYT]

The tipsters have gotten themselves on the “good” list and uncle Wonk’d has loads of stocking stuffers for an early Christmas. These presents might not be as good as the ones Laura Bush was seen buying, but you get what you pay for. Unwrap a jaywalking John Bolton, an over-caffeinated Katherine Harris, an anatomically correct Anderson Cooper, and an occasionally anonymous Dan Bartlett that comes with elephant sidekick, under the tree.

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It’s all cheap asses and skinflints in today’s Wonk’d with Clarence Thomas splurging on sesame chicken for his clerks, John Ashcroft trying to get to The Front Page before the free taco happy hour ends, and David Gregory hassling the hardest working independent booksellers in America. These succulent morsels plus what Mark Warner is still running for, and a GILF you’ve forgotten was still alive.

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