• Your name is John Ashcroft, and you are in the hospital recovering from life-saving surgery that replaced your gallbladder with a pig’s heart. It’s a good thing you have so many caring friends! Tom Ridge sent you a bald eagle named Freedom, and Karl Rove gave you a beautiful bouquet of fired US attorneys — put those in a vase! And George Bush, well, he personally delivered something very special to your bedside, while you were napping. [TPM]
• Bill Clinton is pledging a fraternity! But what will his frat name be? Chuckles? William Whitebread? Broseph Bill? Spectacular men need spectacular names. Phi Beta Sigma needs your help! [HuffPost]
• Eric Holder says he might consider shaving his mustache off. And Dick Cheney’s secret CIA human organ black market might be investigated. Listen closely, Christian Soldier: the liberals are trying to distract us. The Attorney General ain’t shavin’ nothing, and don’t even worry about Cheney, we’ll find him a new heart. These are just distractions! [RedState]
• America’s leading Orwell scholar Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA) has declared, “Quality health care at an affordable price is gonna kill people.” Yes yes, and 2 + 2 = 5. Stop boring us with the obvious, Broun! You and thousands of other Americans passed 7th grade pre-algebra. [Think Progress]

Former Bush White House counsel and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales — whose great political achievements include conspiring with John Yoo to destroy the U.S. Constitution with MEMOS, chasing down then-AG John Ashcroft in the hospital to get him to authorize illegal domestic warrantless wiretapping programs while he was hopped up on anesthetics, and firing tons of U.S. Attorneys for not prosecuting enough Democrats during election years — has been hired to teach college students about government. This is definitely not what Thomas Jefferson & Ben Franklin had in mind when they founded Texas Tech University. [Austin American-Statesman]

SCREW YOU, MUSLIMS! The Supreme Court ruled today that Bush Administration officials cannot be sued for polices that led to 700+ Muslims in the United States being “arrested, roughed up and locked in a maximum security prison” after the 9/11 attacks. So, John Ashcroft and Robert Mueller are free to continue plotting against us. [LA Times]

There’s one thing Missourians love more than competitive eating, and that’s voting for dead people. Remember that one time, in 2000, when they elected that dead governor rather than see that rascal Senator John Ashcroft stay in power? Thank goodness, because otherwise Ashcroft really could have done some damage, to Democracy! MORE »

A Wonkette St. Louis Radio Spy sends us a thrilling update on the John Ashcroft Saliva Auction, now taken down from eBay because it was too sexy for mainstream tastes. Our dreams of cloning a personal army of Ashcroft Sex Robots is slowly dimming. The sad report straight from a listener’s ears, after the jump. MORE »

Once upon a time John Ashcroft was widely regarded as the worst Attorney General ever, until Alberto Gonzales came along and showed America what a truly terrible Attorney General looked like. And then the news came about Gonzales and some other henchmen going to visit Ashcroft on his deathbed to sign some thing or other, and Ashcroft was like, “Eat a dick, Al,” which temporarily endeared him to the 400 Democrats who care about this stuff. The point is, some dude is auctioning off a glass that Ashcroft once drank out of … and the contents are included. MORE »

Former U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft was speaking at Skidmore College in upstate New York when he became a racist, a terrible racist, again. He accidentally referred to Barack Obama by his Christian middle name, “Osama.” Then the college liberals boo him, boo him some more, and then… wait, why is John Ashcroft still alive? Didn’t Alberto Gonzales pull the plug on him in that hospital room that time, so as to torture people? [YouTube via Saratoga Springs News]

On Monday, I directed you to an ultra-glamorous velvet painting of the secretary of state as an example of the wonderful world of Condi-inspired art. Since I was in a Condicentric mood (as usual), I never thought to see what else this gifted painter had to offer. Well, let me tell you, the Condi painting on black velvet was only the tip of a fabulous iceberg! Join me after the jump to marvel over Velvet Rove, Velvet Cheney, Velvet Ashcroft and… Velvet Lynndie England? Are these the most superfantastic portraits of our time? Probably!

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It’s so hard to decide sometimes whether Ashcroft is good or evil. He presided over the initial implementation of the Patriot Act, then got hounded by Gonzo on his deathbed about illegal wiretapping and now he’s gone back to defending the Patriot Act again. But, now, it’s with more torture-y goodness!

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After a number of press conferences in which he was uncomfortably photographed underneath a statue of a naked woman, John Ashcroft ordered the offensive titties covered up during his tenure. One of Gonzo’s first acts in office was to restore the breasts to their former naked glory. Yesterday, at new Attorney General Michael Mukasey’s swearing-in ceremony, Ashcroft was reunited with his nemesis. This is what we imagine it probably looked like. [Washington Post]

Jack Goldsmith is some guy who used to work at the DOJ, and so, natch, he’s got a book coming out. It’s called something like “Why I’m a Good Conservative and Not an Evil One” or something like that. The New York Times published an excerpt today, and OMG, is it boring? This is supposed to be the juiciest stuff from the forthcoming remainder-bin mold-gatherer, and all we get is this: MORE »