Think about how YOU would feel if YOU were Joe Wilson right now, guys! He’s sorry okay?? STOP IT STOP BEING MEAN JUST STOP IT. [YouTube]

On yesterday’s edition of the television program Fox News Sunday, Chris Wallace dared ask his guest, weird Joe Wilson, if he hates Barack Obama because of his black race. (It is common for white people to hate/enslave black people in South Carolina.) Wilson was all, no c’mon man! Then he empirically proved that he is best friends with the black Michelle Obama: “I respect President Obama. Actually, there’s a relationship in a way … his wife, ah, her family’s from Georgetown [South Carolina], ah, my family’s from next door, in McClellanville, so I, ah, have a great respect for the president.” WE BET THESE FAMILIES HUNG OUT ALL THE TIME. [Daily Intel via The Awl]

Yeah yeah yeah, here’s Joe Wilson’s video where he’s like, “I called Obama a nancy on teevee, which was bad, now give me buckets of money.” But that’s not what this post will be about! Instead, we will study this important headline from The Hill: “Wilson took caffeine pills in 2007.” What a girl! In 2007! MORE »

• Al-Qaeda is celebrating the eight year anniversary of 9/11 by being impotent, broke, and mired in petty bureaucratic struggles. [The Guardian]
• Democrats don’t want to send more troops to Afghanistan, despite Obama wanting this more than anything else in the world, basically. [New York Times]
• Turns out that human beings can beat THE SWINE with one preventative shot, not two, which means twice as many pregnant gals, seniors, and babies (the “at risk groups”) will be able to avoid getting the flu. [New York Times]
• Here is your comprehensive Joe Wilson Exegesis, complete with South Carolina Civil War-to-Segregation Fun Facts. Joe Wilson actually comes from a storied political lineage of retards, is the point. [Washington Post]
• To little fanfare, Motorola has unveiled its new Google phone thing and literally no one cared enough to buy more Motorola stocks. Terrible, simply terrible. [Reuters]
• GM has everything to lose and nothing to gain from its new “May the Best Car Win”-themed PR strategy. [AP]

OKAY, ONE MORE PELOSI ANIMATED GIF: Nothing will ever compete with the 21st Century pop-art masterpiece that is today’s Wall of Pelosi animated gif seizure triumph, but we could not let this final submission vanish down the Memory Hole of Socialism, so here you go, and good night, and Happy September the Eleventh Eve! Make sure to leave out some pedophilia literature to distract the old Republican guys who will bust into your house tonight and try to scare everybody to death! [Thanks to Wonkette operative "David D."]

• RANDOM DEMOCRAT IN SOUTH CAROLINA GETS RICH, FOR DOING NOTHING: We have been watching the campaign donation tally since last night for Democrat Rob Miller, 2010 opponent of weird shouter guy Joe Wilson, and holy baloney. Earlier today it was $100,000, then $150,000, but according to whatever most recent e-mail whatever liberal organization just sent out, it is now $450,000! Think of all the free Joe Wilson apparel he can buy with this sum, especially with those “South Carolina prices.” [AP]

• The pundits are now referring to Afghanistan’s deformed democracy as America’s “awkward third nipple.” [Matt Yglesias]
• Hundreds of sexy wingnut biddies have propositioned Screamin’ Joe Wilson with shots of tequila and lap dances. [Think Progress]
• Speaking of Ol’ Screamy, when was the last time you won a douchey tee shirt? [True/Slant: Michael Roston]

• “Did Obama Encourage Iran’s Brutal Crackdown?” That, and so much more! [Weekly Standard]
• Matt Taibbi, guest editor of AMERICAblog. [AMERICAblog]

Here’s some guy, “Ben Konop,” running for something in Toledo, we don’t know what. Maybe high school president? Sure, let’s say “Toledo High School President.” Or mayor, whatever, there cannot be that many things to run for, in Toledo. Anyway, congratulations to the world’s sleepiest heckler, for still weirdly ruining this young man’s press event. [Justin Billau via Matt Welch]

OBAMA ACCEPTS THAT WINGNUT’S APOLOGY: Okay now can people stop suggesting that Rep. Joe Wilson be CENSURED or impeached or forced to resign or whatever? His obnoxiousness stands out quite well already; there’s no need to watch Arlen Specter or Nancy Pelosi pretend to badger him for a week. [ABC News]

So very many of you friendly bored people responded to our solicitation for animated .gifs of Nancy Pelosi looking horror-struck at Joe Wilson’s “YOU LIE” outburst, so we will just post them all! Every submitter, as promised, will get to make out with/finger-bang Intern Riley for five minutes in a closet of your choice. (Just e-mail him to set up a time. If he turns down any of you, he will be fired.) MORE »

It is a MEDICAL FACT straight from the basement laboratory of Dr. Charles Boustany that Congressional MVP Joe Wilson has won the Internet for the Republicans today! Hooray! Do not forget though, in your excitement for Wilson’s accomplishment, to pay proper respect to Lindsey Graham and Eric Cantor, who deserve other, lesser athletic superlatives! Last night, Graham and Cantor set USA records in the Who’s Paying Attention the Least competition. Let’s honor them! MORE »