There seemed to be a hilarious awards ceremony dinner in Washington last night thrown by the Media Research Center, which researches how liberal and gay the media is. It was called the “DisHonor Awards” — see what they did there? — and so a bunch of assholes came to make “Obamessiah” jokes. Joe the Plumber showed up is slob clothes as usual (because that’s his character!) and said, “God, all this love and everything in the room - I’m horny,” which appears to have scarred the entire Washington Post staff. [Washington Post/The Sleuth]

• One of the many, many middle-aged couples who own socialist sex boutiques in LA—a demographic that’s actually the plurality of Andrew Sullivan’s readers—would like a business/pleasure bailout please. [Daily Dish]
• At this thing called a “Defending the American Dream Summit”, famous bald prostitute Joe the Famous Bald Prostitute criticized Michael Steele, for such is the popular fashion of the times, for trying to make conservatism all about “hip hop,” a black language aphorism which the Politico will translate just in time for AC 360 tonight. [RedState]
• Just hang on in there America, until the 2009’s third quarter, when the economy will fix itself and apologize to everyone it has wronged. [AMERICAblog]
• Obama is going on about something again, what is it this time, oh, schools. Schools. Let’s make the kids do more math, and reading too! There. That should do it. [The Caucus]
• Human simulacrum Richard Gere has called out Madame Secretary Hillary Clinton! For apparently “misspeaking” about the role of human rights in the economic crisis. So, Hillary Clinton has been embarrassed, publicly, by an aging, vaguely sad gray-haired ladykiller. Interesting. [CNN Political Ticker]

Nothing’s more exciting on a Monday afternoon than when you’re trolling for another lame Meghan McCain news story and instead find a new instance of feuding between two of the five or six most comical GOP characters. What! Look at this! Joe the Plumber has lashed out at Michael Steele! Jonathan Krohn must be so embarrassed. MORE »

Joe the goddamn Plumber is suing a few gals in Ohio, state employees to be exact, for cheating with their computers! This latest publicity stunt of a civil action states that these three “violated his privacy when they gathered his personal information in a records search,” which they were not allowed to do. You may remember that this personal information included the revelations that his name was not Joe, that he was not a Plumber, and that he had a tax lien on his house. And it was only after the public learned about this things that Samuel Wurzelbacher really hit Jackpot! MORE »

Well dammit, it appears Joe the Plumber has successfully metamorphosed from rat-faced creep into literary sad sack in the space of about three months. Not so long ago he was riding high, saying dumb things on all the cable news shows and even going to Israel to lament how nobody censors the press in wartime anymore. But now he’s just another washed-up debut author who can’t move more than 5 books in a reading. MORE »

We know we’re asking a lot here, but as you watch young master Jonathan Krohn address the mouth-breathers at CPAC today, please be… nice… in your comments, as he is only 13 years old. In five years, when he is “legal,” you will be more than welcome to call him, say, a twat? But yes, this is what’s happening to conservatism: a 13-year-old is writing all of its important books and explaining governing philosophy to the adults (in age only). And you better believe that current GOP leader Joe the Plumber feels threatened. [HuffPo, YouTube]

We met our Boston buddy Garrett Quinn at the Republican convention in St. Paul last summer — he was a Ron Paul delegate, for reals! But politics could not get in the way of our mutual love of Guinness and Jameson, which is why young master Quinn is covering CPAC for your Wonkette! We’ve just thrown together this first post from a bunch of amusing emails he’s sending from the proceedings, as we try to figure out how to get pictures from his fucked-up Blackberry to Newell’s fucked-up Blackberry. The Future! MORE »

• Mexican urban legend Alberto Gonzales is unable to find a job and is comically blaming the recession for this. After Barack Obama redistributes the world’s wealth to atheist hobos, a dog is expected to have eaten Gonzales’ new job. [TPMMuckraker]
• Howard Dean is doing that thing again, on the Internet, in which he gets all the “young people” to make blood pledges to keep creating Facebook groups until he is friend-requested as President of Hospitals. [Ben Smith]
• The evils of Bernie Madoff went unchecked for so long because of linguistically confused SEC-on-SEC fighting. One SECer used the following collection of similes, metaphors and analogies to “paint a picture” of said fighting: “The SEC roars like a mouse and bites like a flea,” “the relationship between the SEC’s Boston and New York offices is about as warm and cordial as the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry” and the ominously alogical “You need old foxes to come in and police the hen houses.” [Top of the Ticket]
• Sarah Palin has big plans to hunt romantic comedy lead Ashley Judd with guns from a helicopter. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Joe the Plumber has returned from journalist sleepover camp in Gaza! (Ahhh 8 weeks went by so fast you guys!) He will now work as an adviser to the GOP, a job for which it is required that other (non-children) humans go along with the conceit that Joe, the fake non-owner of a non-small plumbing business, has actual, insightful advice about a given topic. [Crooks and Liars]

CNN’s Rick Sanchez and Joe the Wurzelbacher meet again! And this time Sanchez isn’t even talking to him in person, so he can just rant angrily like a blogger! (Fun!) It is most comical when he reads Joe’s war-babble like a third grader. [YouTube]

Ha ha, how awesome would it be if Joe “Sam” Wurzelbacher really didn’t have the money to get home from Israel and he had to stay there, forever, until the Israelis deported him for being such a horrible douche? (Or until he got esploded by a Hamas rocket, of course.) In honor of this fine Web site, your Wonkette will be starting a fraudulent PayPal collection scheme where we’ll be “raising money” to keep Joe in Israel/Gaza. All proceeds will be diverted to support Wonkette’s Patriotic Inaugural Ball. [Joe the Journalist aka Joe the plumber]

We really hate to give Pajamas Media traffic for this bullshit, but they’ve outwitted us with their lack of embed code… damn! YOU MUST WATCH this latest video from Joe the Plumber. He makes fun of REUTERS for not being as good at journalism as he is. Hey, someone who understands computers: please put this on YouTube, so we don’t have to go to this terrible gay death website anymore? UPDATE: Thanks! They’ll probably pull this sooner or later, but there are backups. [PJTV No link for you!]