Tag Archives: joe the plumber

  Freakout Level: Pants-Filling

Wingnuts Sure Oklahoma Beheading Suspect Proves Jihad Is Here

Alton Nolen, from a prior arrest
The wingnuttosphere is very excited about the implications of a terrible crime today at Vaughan Foods, a warehouse and distribution facility in Moore, Oklahoma (disgusting details follow, no way around it): Read more on Wingnuts Sure Oklahoma Beheading Suspect Proves Jihad Is Here…
  reasoned debate

Joe The Plumber Is Human Garbage, Again

Leading conservative intellectual Joe the Failed Politician Not-Plumber has decided that he has not spewed forth enough frothing filth to remind us all of what a horrible shitpile he is. First, he told the parents of dead kids in Isla Vista to STFU and quit whining about their tragedy because he is a classy fellow. But that was just the tip (heh heh) of the iceberg of stupidity that is Samuel Wurzelbacher: “Guns are mostly for hunting down politicians who would actively seek to take your freedoms and liberty away from you,” Wurzelbacher wrote on Thursday in a blog post on his website. Hahaha, that probably gave Gabby Giffords a good chuckle!  Read more on Joe The Plumber Is Human Garbage, Again…
  another country heard from

Joe The Plumber Has Opinion No One Asked Him For And No One Is Interested In Hearing

Of all the dimwitted leaking anal polyps rushing to write nine million words this weekend about Friday night’s terrible murder spree, of all the jabbering imbeciles determined to scream that “Guns don’t kill people!” and “Should we ban knives too, libtard?” and “My freedoms, you shall not take them!”, you know what washed-up cultural figure we most anxiously hoped would weigh in? No, not Sarah, Snow Queen of the Tundra. Obviously we were waiting to hear from Samuel Wurzelbacher, aka Joe the Not-Plumber, who took to his website to hunt and peck the letters he needed for words to compose this masterpiece. Read more on Joe The Plumber Has Opinion No One Asked Him For And No One Is Interested In Hearing…
  but is it good for the jews?

High School Kids Give Holocaust The Respect It Merits: Nazi V. Jews Beer Pong

Some high school children have some Jews very very angry (for a change; lol Jews, right?) with their classy reenactment of the Holocaust, via Beer Pong (above). Note how much harder it would be to get one’s ball into the Nazi cups, as they are not clustered together as are the Jews'; this reflects with historical accuracy the advantage the Nazis had, probably because, as in Joe the Plumber’s totally smrt analysis, the Jews did not have guns and definitely not because Jews were a tiny tiny minority beset on all sides by a populace that had been trained to consider them subhuman vermin. Oy gevalt! Read more on High School Kids Give Holocaust The Respect It Merits: Nazi V. Jews Beer Pong…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab-Bag Of Grotesqueries

Welcome, kids, to Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we give our browser tabs a Silkwood shower, then inspect the drains for stories that are too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not enough to hang a full blog post on. We recommend that you apply the mood-altering substance equivalent of a wire brush to your brain before reading further. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab-Bag Of Grotesqueries…
  angry americans

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why So Skimmy, Wonkette?

Oh, gosh, kids, have we got a treat for you! Yesterday, we brought you the braindroppings of a Clinton conspiracy lackwit, Robert Morrow, who wants the world to know about the Clinton’s secret shame: Chelsea is not Bill’s daughter, but is in fact the biological daughter of Webster “Webb” Hubbell, an idea Morrow has been flogging since at least 2008. Well! Our story did not meet with Mr. Morrow’s approval! Yes, we heard from an actual conspiracy guy! He was especially displeased by our acknowledgment that we found him a tad prolix: “We have to admit we started skimming in there somewhere.” – Wonkette Why skim? Does reading about Bill Clintons numerous RAPES & SEXUAL ASSAULTS somehow not interest you that much? Or Hillary covering for a rapist, pervert and serial sexual predator for most of her adult life? Why so “skimmy” … because that is the critical issue here. Why so skimmy? Because we do not hate our poor suffering brain enough to read every inept word of your screed, mostly. It was amusing, but only in a TimeCubey kind of way. (And no, we haven’t read every word of TimeCube — for what it’s worth, Robert Morrow is more convincing than TimeCube. Just slightly. There’s your blurb, man.) Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why So Skimmy, Wonkette?…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

Weep, Ye Mighty, For Fallen Soldier ‘Joe’ The ‘Plumber’

There is not a reason in the world to click on the video above of fallen Wonkette hero “Joe” the “Plumber” flapping his gums at his election loss party, except to note his killer rags. Dude, you were running for Congress. You think the flannel might be a touch … less formal than the occasion demands? Nah, fuck it man. You are “authentic” and “real” just like your fake name and fake occupation! And now you are dead. Let us gather our rosebuds and meet back on the other side of the jump to remember the manifold gifts “Joe” the “Plumber” has given to your Wonkette, lo these many years. Read more on Weep, Ye Mighty, For Fallen Soldier ‘Joe’ The ‘Plumber’…
  mother schmucker

Joe The Plumber II: The Bidening

You will remember 2008, yes? When “Joe the Plumber” seized the nation’s imagination and served as the nation’s templar for our hopes that there was a secret groundswell of angry anti-Obama voters who would make the race close and give reporters something exciting to cover on Election Night? And then how none of that happened and McCain lost in ignominy and Sarah Palin was not our first hot lady Vice President? Well, Joey the Biden went back to Toledo (where Joe the Plumber is completely failing to run for elected office), and was confronted by an eater at a restaurant who TOTALLY OWNED HIM and maybe that means that Ohio is close and Obama won’t win maybe? Read more on Joe The Plumber II: The Bidening…
  you didn't pay that

GOP’s New ‘Joe The Plumber,’ ‘Chris The Baker,’ Just As Tawdry As The Last One

Oh, did the Republicans make someone their new national hero for being rude to a Democrat, in this case our dream lover, Old Handsome Joe Biden? They did? That’s so weird, we would never have guessed. You will remember this “Chris the Baker” fellow from cupcake-blocking Joe’s appearance in his cupcakery, because he was mad that Obama said he didn’t build that. Well, Chris the Baker might have built it! But he also built another place, which he reportedly fled in the middle of the night with his rent unpaid. Why are all these people who refuse to pay their bills so staunchly Republican? Oh, did we just answer our own question? We did! Read more on GOP’s New ‘Joe The Plumber,’ ‘Chris The Baker,’ Just As Tawdry As The Last One…
  imaginary friends

That Joe the Plumber Idiot Has A Black Friend Now

Dung-pile peasant turned right-wing avatar Sam Wurzelbacher, who likes to pretend his name is Joe and also likes to pretend he is a plumber, has a black friend! She’s really likes Sam the Unemployable Guy Who Pretended To Be A Plumber and she’s also a big fan of President Obama. Probably, because she’s a black! That’s what makes her friendship with Sam so remarkable. Sam’s black friend is named “Mother Georgia,” which doesn’t sound like an actual name so much as one of those condescending nicknames white people gave to their African-American nannies in movies featuring Emma Stone. But let’s take Sam, who pretends his name is Joe, at his word that Mother Georgia’s real name is actually Mother Georgia. Read more on That Joe the Plumber Idiot Has A Black Friend Now…
  he rests his case!

Joe The Plumber Has Brilliant Analysis Of What Caused The Holocaust

What caused the Holocaust? (Or per Business Insider, “Why are the sources of anti-Semitism?”) Well, you could be boring about it and point to the rich vein of anti-Semitism going back to the Middle Ages in those parts of Bavaria where Hitler was strongest, and add in his need for an “other” to blame for Germany’s terrible economic situation after the Treaty of Versailles. But what are you, in grad school? Nope, much better to just go online and see what the militia folks are saying, like “Joe” the “Plumber” did! Mr. The Plumber, who apparently would like some more attention, please, has a new ad out that explains that gun control caused both the Holocaust and the Armenian genocide. That is some First Class trolling there, Joe, but you forgot one tiny, teeny thing: Read more on Joe The Plumber Has Brilliant Analysis Of What Caused The Holocaust…
  and chachi too

Who Would Win In A Barfight: Joe The Plumber Or Joe The Biden?

Handsome Old Joe Biden explained the other day that being a Bain executive doesn’t make you any more special or ready to be president than would being a plumber. Maybe we are wrong (we are not wrong) but it sounds to us like Handsome Old Joe is standing up for the working man, the middle class workers or blue collar workers, and saying being a fat-cat corporate vulture doesn’t give you any more special expertise than those other Joes have! You’re not so special, Mr. Fancy Pants, we hear Joe yelling, all sexy like, in our perfect shell-shaped ear. “Joe” “the Plumber” took great offense to this, because he’s a fucking idiot. Here, watch Mr. the Plumber try to use words and sentences to pick a fight. Read more on Who Would Win In A Barfight: Joe The Plumber Or Joe The Biden?…
  death and taxes

Joe The Plumber Explains To Stupid Hippie Why Paying Taxes Is Cool (VIDEO)

Hey stupid Occupy hippie! Why don’t you love paying taxes, like “Joe” “the Plumber” does? Taxes are cool, they pay for parks and police! Also, it is your patriotic duty to pay your fair share and not, say, divert all your “bread” (that is “money” in hippie language) to your accounts in the Caymans! Or maybe it is only unemployed people that Mr. The Plumber thinks should pay awesome taxes, not job creators like Joe himself, who is busy creating jobs (his) by running for Congress, we guess. For a while there in Mr. The Plumber’s “Fun $5 Friday” video (which you can watch below!), we were worried he was going off conservative script by going on and on and on about how he LOVES TAXES THEY ARE THE COOLEST, but then we realized nah, he doesn’t REALLY love taxes, he just hates all those people who are too poor to pay them even more! Stupid freeloaders, with your signs and your demonstrating and your #Occupy movement. Don’t got a job, huh? Can’t “go to work,” and “feed your family”? Why don’t you just run for Congress and pay yourself $5,000 a month like Joe? Idiots. Read more on Joe The Plumber Explains To Stupid Hippie Why Paying Taxes Is Cool (VIDEO)…
  barack & me

Joe The Plumber: What Could Obama Possibly Be Doing That Is More Important Than Joe The Plumber?

Joe the Plumber went to the White House, you guys, and he stood outside the gates and couldn’t get in. That is no way to treat some random schlub running for Congress from … let’s see … Ohio! Sad face! What is the newest Michael Moore doing in his hot new film “Barack & Me”? Just complaining, mostly. He is very sad and mad and other words that mean those words, because Barack Obama is too busy “golfing” to meet with the world’s most famous “plumber,” “Joe the.” So Joe goes and stands in line with the other common folk, including a large group in matching chartreuse, and then the large group in matching chartreuse is gone, but Joe is still there! It is almost as if it was his turn to go in but that would not have made good film of him getting turned away from the White House! Why does the White House hate Joe the Plumber, and America? “Dear Mister President,” says Joe’s blog post, “I stopped by your house the other day because I wanted to talk with you about what’s happened since we last met.” [Blah blah blah, et cetera, golf, fancy vacations, job creators, blah] Mister President, I think it’s time you and I continued our conversation. I tried early and late, but you weren’t home and I couldn’t find anyone to take a message. Perhaps you had a good score at the golf course today? Any luck getting more campaign donations? I’m sure that’s taking up a lot of your energy. Read more on Joe The Plumber: What Could Obama Possibly Be Doing That Is More Important Than Joe The Plumber?…
  they sure know how to title a video

Joe The Plumber/Future Congressman Whining About ‘Gotcha’ Questions Already

Back before Joe the Plumber fell into an Internet spidy-hole and was still actually getting interviewed (granted, only by things called “Christianity Today”), America’s sweetheart let slip with some—how to put this delicately—fucking nuts comments about the “queers” and how he would never let them near his children. Ha, so heartland, right? Well, Joe recently took the opportunity to let everyone know he’s more rancid than ever! (If you were concerned.) Read more on Joe The Plumber/Future Congressman Whining About ‘Gotcha’ Questions Already…
  welcome back old friend

Joe The Plumber May Become Congressman The Plumber

Before being a “job creator” was even a thing, Joe the Plumber bravely and famously confronted then-Senator Barack Obama to carp about problems from his made-up financial future as one of these as-yet unheard of “job creators.” Now this same angrily prescient heartland shaman is only months away from unfettered bitch session access to his old pal Barack, during which he will get to complain about more fictional concerns, only this time based on America’s made-up financial future! Yes, Joe the Plumber, our favorite unflushable from 2008, successfully completed the difficult transition from child star to adult entertainer, and won last night’s Republican primary in Ohio’s 9th congressional district, using the more matoor-sounding stage name “Joe Wurzelbacher.” JOE THE PLUMBER IS BACK YAY FOR POLITICS! Read more on Joe The Plumber May Become Congressman The Plumber…
  all dead in ohio

Super Tuesday Murdered By Meh Wednesday

What’s up, Cleveland Plain-Dealer? Pretty exciting night, there, yes, with your still hanging chads or somesuch but “advantage Romney,” certainly what ho? So many exciting Politics in O-hi-o, with Elf Queen Consort Dennis Kucinich losing his fabled place in the hearts of Hippie-Americans as Keebler cookie-maker-in-chief to nice lady and new Elvish Queen Marcy Kaptur. Heryn ohtar lalaith! Kaptur will go on to fight Sam “Joe” “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher to the death, in the Capitol, for the glory of the coalminers in District 13. Then also too Mean Jean Schmidt lost the House seat she had defended with Rottweilers, a miniature Pinscher, and “liberal” smearings of American veterans and armed forces, like so: Read more on Super Tuesday Murdered By Meh Wednesday…
  walmerica's greatest heroes

Joe the ‘Plumber’ & Kirk Cameron Plot Moral Crimes At CPAC

What are these two future co-presidents of Walmerica talking about, high above the commoners at CPAC? Nothing that makes any sense, that is for sure! Also is there some sort of Behind the Music style sob story to explain why 1980s teen teevee heartthrob Kirk Cameron is now reduced to hanging out with a spoiled pot roast like Samuel Wurzelbacher? Read more on Joe the ‘Plumber’ & Kirk Cameron Plot Moral Crimes At CPAC…
  joe the dumber

Has-Been Creepazoid ‘Joe The Plumber’ To Run Unsuccessfully For Congress

OH FINALLY:  here is this thing we briefly forgot about but will now post “for comedy” announcing that Samuel “Joe the Grifter Tax-Delinquent Fake Plumber” Wurzelbacher decided he is running as a Republican for a seat in the crappier chamber of Congress even though God begged him not to and Joe hates Republicans. Such a promising start! There are probably many other hundreds of delusional Americans out there running for Congress who have a frosty chance in hell of winning, but this particular washed-up Pajamas Media wingnut sleepover party sex columnist is still fun to mock because he is an actual worse fraud than a Nigerian prince scam email plus Santa Claus put together. Read more on Has-Been Creepazoid ‘Joe The Plumber’ To Run Unsuccessfully For Congress…
  joe the dumber

Dim Beefcake Joe the Plumber Might Run for Congress

The GOP of Ohio was having another one of their weekly “drunk, diapered ‘n dominated!” orgies one night recently, and out of the swirl of morning-after shame and closeted self-loathing they decided they’d order a mindless manly piece of man man to… what, run for Congress? Sure, that about compensates. And that is the only reason why Joe the Plumber is now apparently being pushed by the Ohio GOP to run for Congress: Read more on Dim Beefcake Joe the Plumber Might Run for Congress…
  the forgetables

‘An Evening With the Joe’s': History’s Greatest GOP Meeting of Minds

Tonight, history will be made. “Join the launch of the historic effort to Defeat Barack Obama with America’s most influential and conservative ‘Joe’s’ at the pre-launch party,” says the invitation. “No,” you’re thinking to yourself. “But — it’s impossible, right? They can’t get all three.” OH, BUT THEY CAN. The Tea Party Express’ Our Country Deserves Better PAC is pulling out all the stops and apostrophes for “An Evening With the Joe’s,” featuring Joe Miller, Joe the Plumber, and Sheriff Joe Arpaio. (Apparently McCarthy couldn’t make it.) And according to an e-mail sent out by the Tea Party Express’ Joe Wierzbicki (WE SEE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE!), the librul news media have been mocking them for this event and its “pack of losers,” so if you don’t show up to it Obama will be elected. Is that what you want? Read more on ‘An Evening With the Joe’s': History’s Greatest GOP Meeting of Minds…