Tag Archives: joe biden

  Sins Of The Son

Old Handsome Joe Biden’s Son Hoovering Up All The Cocaine

Having the Royal Navy bring him the stuff was probably a mistake on his part
Vice President Joe Biden’s son Hunter was discharged from the Navy Reserve in February of this year after failing a drug test for cocaine, according to the Wall Street Journal. It’s a sad story, and pretty unremarkable, but thank god, the Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet, Gateway Pundit’s Kristinn Taylor, was able to find a way to make it a symptom of Joe Biden’s duplicity: Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden’s Son Hoovering Up All The Cocaine…
  Science: What Has It Done For Us?

Paul Ryan Pretty Sure Scientists Too Dumb To Be Sure about Global Warming

It's Banksy, in a canal, with a spray can.
Paul Ryan one-upped the rest of the Republican Party in a debate against his Democratic challenger Monday night. Most R’s have been content to say that they don’t have to express an opinion on the reality of climate change because “I’m not a scientist.” But Paul Ryan went one better and said that neither are scientists. Read more on Paul Ryan Pretty Sure Scientists Too Dumb To Be Sure about Global Warming…
  If 'Bitch' Is Even A Swear (Which It Isn't)

Old Handsome Joe Biden Said Another Swear!

When caffeine gets drowsy, it takes a little Joe Biden
Prepare for some pissing and moaning, probably, over Old Handsome Joe Biden just being Old Handsome Joe Biden again: Thursday, at a Harvard event, His Handsomeness said a swear, kinda-sorta: “Isn’t it a bitch, I mean … that vice president thing?” Biden joked, as the audience reportedly erupted with laughter. ”I’m joking. I’m joking. I’m joking. The best decision I ever made.” All of which leads one to wonder, once more, what Old Handsome Joe Biden has against dogs, like that time he just cold killed one. (OK, his motorcade did. Still, he’s a monster.) Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Said Another Swear!…
  Don't Read The Comments

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Child Labor’s Still Pretty Cool For Tobacco Growers

The best way to read your Sunday NYT
We depend on our Sunday New York Times for in-depth reporting on stuff that we may or may not care about, and on a good day we might even learn about something we had no idea we should have to care about, and now we can sound like a big know it all. Into that last column, let’s drop today’s story about teenagers who work 12-hour shifts on tobacco farms, like the 13-year-old we meet in the lede. But don’t worry, the growers provide safety equipment, of a sort: Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Child Labor’s Still Pretty Cool For Tobacco Growers…
  Joe Biden Swimming Deserves a Quiet Night

Old Naked Joe Biden

On clser examination, that's not OHJB doing the backstroke in a pool
The New York Daily News has the scoop on a new book that uncovers (Ha! Ha!) Old Handsome Joe Biden’s habit of swimming nude, just like John Quincy Adams, except not in the Potomac, so no lady reporters can sit on his clothes to get an exclusive interview. According to Wall Street Journal reporter Ronald Kessler’s The First Family Detail: Secret Service Agents Reveal the Hidden Lives of the Presidents, out later this week, Secret Service agents are a bit squicked out by the Vice President’s swimming attire: Read more on Old Naked Joe Biden…
  soul proprietorship

Old Handsome Joe Biden Looked In Putin’s Eyes, Saw No Soul; Spring Delayed Six Weeks

Oh, well tht would explain what happened.
There’s a big chewy profile of Old Handsome Joe Biden in the New Yorker today, and the pull quote that everyone’s repeating is Biden’s riff on George W. Bush’s soul-reading performance in 2001, when he looked Vladimir Putin in the eye and got “a sense of his soul.” Biden tells New Yorker reporter Evan Osnos this anecdote about meeting Putin in 2011, which we have no reason to think isn’t 100% gospel truth: “As I turned, I was this close to him.” Biden held his hand a few inches from his nose. “I said, ‘Mr. Prime Minister, I’m looking into your eyes, and I don’t think you have a soul.’ ” “You said that?” I asked. It sounded like a movie line. “Absolutely, positively,” Biden said, and continued, “And he looked back at me, and he smiled, and he said, ‘We understand one another.’ ” Biden sat back, and said, “This is who this guy is!” Strangely, no one has yet gone to press with the news that Joe Biden is a filthy atheist. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Looked In Putin’s Eyes, Saw No Soul; Spring Delayed Six Weeks…
  fap fap fap fap

Let’s All Watch Joe Biden Flirt With Shirtless U.S. Soccer Players

Oh, hello, shirtless U.S. soccer team! You are here to take some HOT SHIRTLESS LOCKER ROOM PIXXX with one Mr. Old Handsome Joe Biden, Vice President, Esq., si? (SE PUEDE.) Mr. Joe Biden, Handsome, is not afraid of your shirtless virility; he is a man’s man (and a lady’s man, and a mom’s man) (he is all the men) (but not #notallmen) (not our Joe). Read more on Let’s All Watch Joe Biden Flirt With Shirtless U.S. Soccer Players…
  dancin' fool

Old Handsome Joe Biden Can’t Take Teen To Prom, Sends Corsage And Undersecretary Of Commerce Instead

Talia Maselli of Newington, Connecticut, is officially Yr. Wonkette’s favorite teen of the day, because of her excellent taste in men. Last fall, she sent a prom invitation to her ideal date: Old Handsome Joe Biden. Smart girl, thinks ahead. Unfortunately the Veep couldn’t make it, even after this seemingly irresistible pitch: “I am inviting you so far in advance because I’m sure many 17-year-old girls send you prom invitations, and I had to beat them to it … I could only tolerate a high school dance if I was to be escorted by the most delightful man in America.” And if Biden didn’t go, she might ask out John Boehner instead, she said. “And we can’t have that now can we?” Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Can’t Take Teen To Prom, Sends Corsage And Undersecretary Of Commerce Instead…
  sweet carolina

Joe Biden Melts Hearts And Panties In South Carolina

Is our favorite vice president of all time, Old Handsome Joe Biden, guzzling some of those five-hour energy drinks we see advertised everywhere? Because word is he went to a Democratic Party fundraiser in South Carolina on Friday night and tore shit up, son. Probably going to be a mini-Democratic baby boom down in that area in about nine months. Not that OHJB has eyes for anyone except Dr. Jill. It’s just that his raw animal magnetism is such that he can make a lady pregnant with his eyes. He’s that awesome. OHJB was actually in Columbia to deliver the commencement speech at the University of South Carolina but took the time to head to the fundraiser and rally the troops. While there, he gave a speech that attendees described to CNN as “populist” and “Elizabeth Warren-like,” hitting on themes of how the middle class is still struggling economically while corporations are more beholden to their stockholders than their employees. OHJB channeling Liz Warren? Are your panties a total loss yet? Read more on Joe Biden Melts Hearts And Panties In South Carolina…
  dear mr. fantasy

Glenn Beck Pretty Sure That Joe Biden And Nancy Pelosi Will Holocaust Him Into Getting Tattoos

We’re perpetually amazed that Glenn Beck has a national platform — and a lot of money — to say things that would sound weird and paranoid even if they came from one of those guys that walks around wearing a “The World is Ending” sandwich board. What was Glenn going on about yesterday? Oh, nothing really, except how he won’t watch the hilariously awesome WHCD video that Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi were in, but he is pretty sure it is leading us all to concentration camps. Read more on Glenn Beck Pretty Sure That Joe Biden And Nancy Pelosi Will Holocaust Him Into Getting Tattoos…
  nobody got executed at least

Fine, Here Is Your President ‘Cracking Wise’ At The White House Correspondents Dinner

You may have noticed that we did not livebloog the White House Correspondents Dinner last night, because we were already well into an ether and risotto binge, and also it is not terribly funny, except in years when the President is making fun of Donald Trump while knowing that he is about to personally kill bin Laden. On the other hand, we also would never say no to a naked bid for web traffic, so here are some clips! First off, here is an actually funny thing, mostly, with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Old Handsome Joe Biden and OHJB’s actual-maybe brand-new Corvette Stingray. We liked Julia’s Kevin Spacey bit. After the jump, clips of Barry Bamz making with the carefully vetted funny, and Community Star Joel McHale maybe bombing, at least that’s what we heard after we got most of the risotto out of our pants. Read more on Fine, Here Is Your President ‘Cracking Wise’ At The White House Correspondents Dinner…
  that's so biden

Let’s All Watch Joe Biden Yell At Rapists (Video)

The White House has released a report on campus sex assault, which is good because apparently we forgot to Take Back the Night at Occidental, and Patrick Henry, and, hmmm, all the other colleges and universities in the entire land. Luckily, here is Joe Biden to YELL AT RAPISTS AND DOMESTIC ABUSERS. Let’s watch, together! Read more on Let’s All Watch Joe Biden Yell At Rapists (Video)…
  the grins of the father

Young Handsome Beau Biden Will Ride Dad’s Trans-Am To Delaware Governor’s Mansion

This is nice: Old Handsome Joe Biden’s son Beau, the Attorney General of Delaware, announced today that he won’t be seeking reelection to a third term in office this year, so that he can concentrate on running for governor in 2016. In a statement, he says that the governor thing just sort of snuck up on him and began taking over his mind, the result of finding a magical ring in a dragon’s cave: Over the past few months, as I’ve been planning to run for reelection, I have also been giving a great deal of thought to running for Governor in 2016. What started as a thought — a very persistent thought — has now become a course of action that I wish to pursue … After careful consideration, I have concluded that it is not right to ask for your support in 2014, knowing that my focus would be divided between doing my job as Attorney General while at the same time running as a candidate for Governor. That’s really pretty considerate of him, we think, and seems kind of unusual — isn’t the usual script to announce your reelection campaign, then deny that you have any definite plans for higher office until suddenly, a year and some into your new term, The People call you to serve? Read more on Young Handsome Beau Biden Will Ride Dad’s Trans-Am To Delaware Governor’s Mansion…
  you try being funny about this

Du Pont Heir Did Not Go To Prison For Sexually Assaulting His Babies Because Prison Is Hard On Rich People

So we were thinking this HuffPo article could not possibly be real, because this is the sort of shit that only happens on teevee when there was always one of the terrible caricatures of “liberal judges” on “Law and Order,” but unless Delaware now has its own not funny super depressing version of The Onion, this shit totally happened: super rich du Pont heir dude Robert H. Richards IV did not see one minute of jail time for sexually assaulting an infant, because he wouldn’t fare well in prison. The light sentence was hush hush for several years, but has just come to light in a lawsuit filed by Richards’s ex-wife. In related news, everything is awful. Read more on Du Pont Heir Did Not Go To Prison For Sexually Assaulting His Babies Because Prison Is Hard On Rich People…
  dumb jerks

Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Thinks Illegal Immigrants Are People

Joe Biden, he’s this guy. He’s a big dumb jerk of a guy who thinks illegal immigrants are “American,” as even if. “Eleven million people living in the shadows I believed are already American citizens,” Biden said. “These people are just waiting, waiting for a chance to be able to contribute fully, and by that standard, 11 million undocumented aliens are already Americans in my view.” Then there was a bunch of nonsense about “Teddy Roosevelt,” and “courage” and “a decent chance” for their children, some of whom are already citizens just because they were born here, as if that is even fair. Luckily, the commenters at CNS were there to set dumb jerk Joe Biden straight. Read more on Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Thinks Illegal Immigrants Are People…
  old handsome joe strikes again

Joe Biden Will Catch Your Rapist

You know how on “Law and Order SVU” they always take a rape kit at the hospital immediately following the assault and then like magic it gets run through a giant database and spits out the DNA of the rapist? Yeah, that does not happen, people. In real life, that rape kit gets taken and stuffed in a lab somewhere, joining a giant slew of untested kits. Joe Biden aims to change that because Joe Biden is the best. Vice President Joe Biden proposed $35 million in grant funding on Wednesday afternoon to help clear the hundreds of thousands of backlogged rape kits off the shelves of police stations and labs. Biden, who has made countering domestic abuse and sexual assault a cornerstone of his political career, told reporters that testing the backlogged kits helps police track down serial rapists, which provides “the ultimate closure for a woman.” Read more on Joe Biden Will Catch Your Rapist…
  that's our joe

Old Handsome Joe Biden Tries To Sell Canadian On Obamacare

There’s just something about Old Handsome Joe Biden that makes this kind of thing happen: Joe was in Scottsdale, Arizona, last week, and a local teevee news crew caught him doing his Biden Magic — sitting down next to a smiling young woman and urging her to enroll in Obamacare, because health insurance for the youngs is a good thing, and your parents will be reassured that you’re covered. And sure, the nice young lady, “Jackie,” turned out to be Canadian, but how was Joe supposed to know that without seeing the flag on her backpack? This one’s being called a “gaffe,” but it’s not like he was making fun of that country’s “bacon,” or “curling” or “whiskey,” now was he? Heck, she wasn’t even in a wheelchair, so for OHJB, this was a pretty good day. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Tries To Sell Canadian On Obamacare…
  they call it 'yogging' it's all the rage

Barack Obama And Joe Biden Run From Specter Of Great And Terrible Michelle Obama (Video)

See those men? Those are Barack Obama and Old Handsome Joe Biden, and they are “let’s moving,” because they are scared of the fiery wrath of Michelle Obama. Did you like the ’80s cop show styley music, like maybe it is the theme from Simon & Simon, or maybe it is TJ Hooker? Did you like that they kind of run a little bit like moms? Did you like that they are not very good at “acting”? Don’t lie, you super fapped, because it is our Bamz and our OHJB, and that means it is NOT Cory Booker and Chris Christie, who put out a far superior “funny video,” that you unaccountably hated. But beyond “hey look a silly video and drink your water,” are there implications for Mommy Wars, and Intersectional Feminist Fights? Of course there are, don’t be RIDICULOSE. Read more on Barack Obama And Joe Biden Run From Specter Of Great And Terrible Michelle Obama (Video)…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Wants Obama To Be More Like Reagan, Invade Grenada To Save Ukraine Maybe

The crisis in Ukraine brought out the usual “Obama is weak” trolls, and some foreign policy experts like Oliver North wished that the president would take firm action, just like Ronald Reagan did. Jon Stewart notes that Reagan’s “just do it” approach was great, if you don’t mind a little blowback after a few years. Read more on Jon Stewart Wants Obama To Be More Like Reagan, Invade Grenada To Save Ukraine Maybe…
  clipbait

Watch Seth Meyers And Amy Poehler Drool All Over Old Handsome Joe Biden, Just Like Any Of Us Would (Video)

Bill O’Reilly got Barack, Jimmy Fallon got Michelle, so it’s only fair that Seth Meyers would get the Vice President. If any other special Teevee events come along, they’ll have to choose between Dr. Jill Biden or the President Pro Tempore of the Senate; it’s in the Constitution. (Do Al Haig jokes even work anymore?) Read more on Watch Seth Meyers And Amy Poehler Drool All Over Old Handsome Joe Biden, Just Like Any Of Us Would (Video)…
  OHJB

LaGuardia ‘A Third World Country’? Say It Ain’t So, Joe Biden!

We give much love to Old Handsome Joe “Now You’re Jack Kennedy!” Biden because he is excellent and pretty much the perfect wacky, free-wheeling, avuncular Vice Presidential complement to Barry’s somnolent rationality. But we also have integrity, so we are gonna call Joe Biden out: New York’s fine LaGuardia airport is not like “a third world country,” as he said during a recent performance of his popular traveling show Infrastructure Revue & Burlesque, of which POLITICO has made this supercut. Uh oh, it’s a #slatepitch! Read more on LaGuardia ‘A Third World Country’? Say It Ain’t So, Joe Biden!…