Tag Archives: joe biden

  you try being funny about this

Du Pont Heir Did Not Go To Prison For Sexually Assaulting His Babies Because Prison Is Hard On Rich People

So we were thinking this HuffPo article could not possibly be real, because this is the sort of shit that only happens on teevee when there was always one of the terrible caricatures of “liberal judges” on “Law and Order,” but unless Delaware now has its own not funny super depressing version of The Onion, this shit totally happened: super rich du Pont heir dude Robert H. Richards IV did not see one minute of jail time for sexually assaulting an infant, because he wouldn’t fare well in prison. The light sentence was hush hush for several years, but has just come to light in a lawsuit filed by Richards’s ex-wife. In related news, everything is awful. Read more on Du Pont Heir Did Not Go To Prison For Sexually Assaulting His Babies Because Prison Is Hard On Rich People…
  dumb jerks

Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Thinks Illegal Immigrants Are People

Joe Biden, he’s this guy. He’s a big dumb jerk of a guy who thinks illegal immigrants are “American,” as even if. “Eleven million people living in the shadows I believed are already American citizens,” Biden said. “These people are just waiting, waiting for a chance to be able to contribute fully, and by that standard, 11 million undocumented aliens are already Americans in my view.” Then there was a bunch of nonsense about “Teddy Roosevelt,” and “courage” and “a decent chance” for their children, some of whom are already citizens just because they were born here, as if that is even fair. Luckily, the commenters at CNS were there to set dumb jerk Joe Biden straight. Read more on Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Thinks Illegal Immigrants Are People…
  old handsome joe strikes again

Joe Biden Will Catch Your Rapist

You know how on “Law and Order SVU” they always take a rape kit at the hospital immediately following the assault and then like magic it gets run through a giant database and spits out the DNA of the rapist? Yeah, that does not happen, people. In real life, that rape kit gets taken and stuffed in a lab somewhere, joining a giant slew of untested kits. Joe Biden aims to change that because Joe Biden is the best. Vice President Joe Biden proposed $35 million in grant funding on Wednesday afternoon to help clear the hundreds of thousands of backlogged rape kits off the shelves of police stations and labs. Biden, who has made countering domestic abuse and sexual assault a cornerstone of his political career, told reporters that testing the backlogged kits helps police track down serial rapists, which provides “the ultimate closure for a woman.” Read more on Joe Biden Will Catch Your Rapist…
  that's our joe

Old Handsome Joe Biden Tries To Sell Canadian On Obamacare

There’s just something about Old Handsome Joe Biden that makes this kind of thing happen: Joe was in Scottsdale, Arizona, last week, and a local teevee news crew caught him doing his Biden Magic — sitting down next to a smiling young woman and urging her to enroll in Obamacare, because health insurance for the youngs is a good thing, and your parents will be reassured that you’re covered. And sure, the nice young lady, “Jackie,” turned out to be Canadian, but how was Joe supposed to know that without seeing the flag on her backpack? This one’s being called a “gaffe,” but it’s not like he was making fun of that country’s “bacon,” or “curling” or “whiskey,” now was he? Heck, she wasn’t even in a wheelchair, so for OHJB, this was a pretty good day. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Tries To Sell Canadian On Obamacare…
  they call it 'yogging' it's all the rage

Barack Obama And Joe Biden Run From Specter Of Great And Terrible Michelle Obama (Video)

See those men? Those are Barack Obama and Old Handsome Joe Biden, and they are “let’s moving,” because they are scared of the fiery wrath of Michelle Obama. Did you like the ’80s cop show styley music, like maybe it is the theme from Simon & Simon, or maybe it is TJ Hooker? Did you like that they kind of run a little bit like moms? Did you like that they are not very good at “acting”? Don’t lie, you super fapped, because it is our Bamz and our OHJB, and that means it is NOT Cory Booker and Chris Christie, who put out a far superior “funny video,” that you unaccountably hated. But beyond “hey look a silly video and drink your water,” are there implications for Mommy Wars, and Intersectional Feminist Fights? Of course there are, don’t be RIDICULOSE. Read more on Barack Obama And Joe Biden Run From Specter Of Great And Terrible Michelle Obama (Video)…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Wants Obama To Be More Like Reagan, Invade Grenada To Save Ukraine Maybe

The crisis in Ukraine brought out the usual “Obama is weak” trolls, and some foreign policy experts like Oliver North wished that the president would take firm action, just like Ronald Reagan did. Jon Stewart notes that Reagan’s “just do it” approach was great, if you don’t mind a little blowback after a few years. Read more on Jon Stewart Wants Obama To Be More Like Reagan, Invade Grenada To Save Ukraine Maybe…
  clipbait

Watch Seth Meyers And Amy Poehler Drool All Over Old Handsome Joe Biden, Just Like Any Of Us Would (Video)

Bill O’Reilly got Barack, Jimmy Fallon got Michelle, so it’s only fair that Seth Meyers would get the Vice President. If any other special Teevee events come along, they’ll have to choose between Dr. Jill Biden or the President Pro Tempore of the Senate; it’s in the Constitution. (Do Al Haig jokes even work anymore?) Read more on Watch Seth Meyers And Amy Poehler Drool All Over Old Handsome Joe Biden, Just Like Any Of Us Would (Video)…
  OHJB

LaGuardia ‘A Third World Country’? Say It Ain’t So, Joe Biden!

We give much love to Old Handsome Joe “Now You’re Jack Kennedy!” Biden because he is excellent and pretty much the perfect wacky, free-wheeling, avuncular Vice Presidential complement to Barry’s somnolent rationality. But we also have integrity, so we are gonna call Joe Biden out: New York’s fine LaGuardia airport is not like “a third world country,” as he said during a recent performance of his popular traveling show Infrastructure Revue & Burlesque, of which POLITICO has made this supercut. Uh oh, it’s a #slatepitch! Read more on LaGuardia ‘A Third World Country’? Say It Ain’t So, Joe Biden!…
  make it work

Laura Bush, Feminist Hero: When There Is A First Gentleman, We Should Fat-Shame Him And Laugh At His Clothes

We usually don’t get around to praising Laura Bush much in these parts. Our feelings on her tend to run the gamut from “meh” to “oh, do shut up.” But we are pretty into her latest interview, where she says that she would be totally down with scrutinizing a future First Gentleman the way we now dissect everything that FLOTUS wears, what makeup she rocks, and how she gets her hair did. Former first lady Laura Bush proposed that the future first gentleman should get the same scrutiny about his looks and style as first ladies have faced in recent decades. Asked in a recent C-SPAN interview whether the media focuses too much on the first lady’s hair, makeup and clothes, Bush said, “Yes. For sure.” “But I don’t think we can get around it. Maybe when we finally have a first gentleman,” she said. The interview was taped for C-SPAN’s continuing First Ladies series and airs Monday. “And maybe we should be that way about the first gentlemen, also, really critique the way they look all the time. Their choice of tie, or their hair style. Whatever. Or maybe their weight,” she said. Read more on Laura Bush, Feminist Hero: When There Is A First Gentleman, We Should Fat-Shame Him And Laugh At His Clothes…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Breaks GOP State Of The Union Spinners In Half, Like A Boy (Video)

Jon Stewart is in beautiful form in this analysis of post-SOTU Republican talking points. The only problem with the night’s theme — Obama just doesn’t want to do Bipartisanship — Stewart says, “is that it’s total bullshit..Premium, Grade-A grass fed free range bullshit. Collected and packaged by hand…” And then he starts getting mean. Read more on Jon Stewart Breaks GOP State Of The Union Spinners In Half, Like A Boy (Video)…
  seems everything's funny to you wonkett

Here Is Your Big Deal State Of The Union Caption Contest, America!

Thanks to the wonders of modern digital recording technology, we have this “Vine” thing from “Now This Politics,” showing Old Handsome Joe Biden being his usual awesome self during the State of the Union Address. Your assignment, O Wonkaderos, is to make up a funny caption for it and post it in the comments by 8 PM EST today, so’s the night shift people (i.e., anyone in the chat cave after sundown) can judge your efforts and select the winners, to be posted tomorrow morning. And we promise not to berate you about how lame your captions are this time, we promise!* Winner gets a “pony.” Or an “iPhone.” We even have two exciting gifs for you to choose from! In addition to OHJB, we also have another image after the jump! You will never guess what it is, unless you happen to guess it! Read more on Here Is Your Big Deal State Of The Union Caption Contest, America!…
  The State Of Our Union Is Drink

Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline

What time is the 2014 State of the Union SOTU Fox News? It is at 8:55 Eastern ET Time. What time is the Wonkette Livebloog time-stamped word salad refresh your browser to update liveblog? IT IS ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. Welcome to part two of your nonsense! Nonsensers! 10:09 p.m.: And we’re back! That was a scary couple of minutes. It’s a finely calibrated operation to move from one blog to another, nothelped by the fact that we’re drunk. 10:11 p.m.: There’s old WALNUTS! making a Peyton Manning Face. Super Bowl’s not until Sunday, Walnuts. 10:12 p.m.: Yeah, Olympics! U-S-A! U-S-A! Bring home the gold in that jumping snowmobile motorcross whatever thingie! 10:15 p.m.: So far the only times we’ve seen Boehner stand up is for the veterans, because everyone loves The Troops. Now if he could just get his caucus of rabid ferrets to actually budget some funds to help them. 10:17 p.m.: Bamz totally bringing down the room with this horrible, horrible story. Now it’s getting inspiring. Boehner looks like he’s straining to drop a deuce. Now everyone is standing to applaud this guy. Pardon us, someone seems to be chopping onions in the Wonkette Command Center. 10:18 p.m.: Still with the onions. Or maybe the dog has gas. 10:20 p.m.: Editrix informs us that the dog does not have gas and her poops are perfumed like the finest shops in Paris. Okay then. Read more on Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline…
  the place where his horses run free

Old Handsome Joe Biden Gets His Motor Running At Detroit Auto Show

Hey there, Old Handsome Joe Biden! How you liking the motorcars at the Detroit Auto Show? Too bad the Secret Service won’t let you take a literal victory lap, but the metaphorical kind isn’t bad, either: “What a difference five years makes,” Mr. Biden said to auto executives, noting that in 2009 car sales plunged and many questioned whether the auto industry could survive the recession. Auto sales have surged in recent months and climbed back to precrisis levels. “American cars and trucks are once again changing the game and I might add providing good, decent jobs,” he said. We would really like to be able to say that OHJB then burned donuts into the auto show carpet, sending journalists scattering, but sadly, that would be inaccurate. Canada’s National Journal does at least note that he gave it some thought: Sitting in some new models of the Jeep Cherokee and Chrysler 200, he joked to surrounding reporters that he might run them over. “I am driving it off,” said the flamboyant No. 2. Heh. “Flamboyant.” We believe that means that Mr. Vice President Old Handsome Biden is what you call a ho-mo-sechsul. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Gets His Motor Running At Detroit Auto Show…
  wonkette brings you the hard news

Roger Ailes Unhappy About New Biography That Says Roger Ailes Is Terrible, Angry, Horny Sexmonster

It is a bit quiet news-wise today, so let us talk about Roger Ailes’ dick. Oh sure, we could talk about any other subject under the sun besides Roger Ailes’ dick. The terrible cold weather, the latest slap on the wrist for JPMorgan, S.E. Cupp taking the early lead for dumbest column any pundit will write in 2014. But are any of those subjects really more interesting than Roger Ailes’ dick? We think the question answers itself. Here is why we are thinking about Roger Ailes’ dick. The New York Times got its hands on a copy of Gabriel Sherman’s new biography of the walking tub of chicken fat and his dick, and one of the funnier stories involves Randi Anderson, a television producer who went to work for CNBC when Ailes was running that channel twenty years ago. Anderson alleges that Ailes offered her an extra $100 a week to have sex with him whenever he wanted. Because when you are Roger Ailes, you are entitled to an in-house concubine at your office, even if you want to pay well below what we imagine was the market rate for a prostitute in New York City in the early 1990s. Read more on Roger Ailes Unhappy About New Biography That Says Roger Ailes Is Terrible, Angry, Horny Sexmonster…
  hot pants

PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings

It would be so exciting to live in a country where “Obamacare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America”, but PolitiFact says no, we cannot live there because there is a fire on its pants. Why is PolitiFact so mean to our childlike sense of wonder and our precious need to feel threatened, which helps us pretend we’re important? All this rage isn’t going to misdirect itself, darn it! Read more on PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings…
  misty watercolor memories

Larry Klayman Was Very Excellent At Being Larry Klayman In 2013: A Retrospective

Did you know that when Yr Wonket counts its blessings, we count Larry Klayman first and always? You probably did not know this, but it is god’s own truth, because if there were no Larry Klayman, there would be so much less Wonket. For real, we wrote about Larry Klayman like a dozen times this year, and that only includes the times that Larry Klayman was the subject of the post rather than a bit of derp in passing. He’s a one-man litigation tornado whirlwind hurricane force of nature, and he has the great good fortune to behave remarkably stupidly even when he is not lawyering. Let’s take a fond look back at the year in Larry, shall we? Read more on Larry Klayman Was Very Excellent At Being Larry Klayman In 2013: A Retrospective…
  articulate and bright and clean

Old Handsome Joe Biden Asks If Japanese Ladies’ Husbands Gave Them Permission To Get Jerbs

Oh, golly, Old Handsome Joe… You know, we get you, but not everybody gets you. You understand we literally love you to death, but sometimes, you sort of literally put your foot in your mouth? Like during this meeting with five women at Japanese internet concern DeNA, where you asked the three married gals, “Do your husbands like you working full time?” We get what you meant, of course — the White House pool report said that the point of the visit was to emphasize “the need to integrate more women in the workforce,” and so the question was aimed at showing that family and work aren’t incompatible, but that’s not how it came out, exactly. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Asks If Japanese Ladies’ Husbands Gave Them Permission To Get Jerbs…
  friday nice time

Bipartisan Nice Time: House Members Try To Stop Global Violence Against Women

A bipartisan group of House representatives just reintroduced the International Violence Against Women Act (IVAWA). Yes, you read that correctly — there are Democrats AND Republicans who have bridged the cavernous divide on an issue as basic as trying to stop violencing womyns around the world. Join us after the jump to have your heart warmed by the likes of Representatives Jan Schakowsky (D-IL), Richard Hanna (R-NY) and Chris Gibson (R-NY).  Read more on Bipartisan Nice Time: House Members Try To Stop Global Violence Against Women…
  sandwiches

BREAKING: Cheap Moocher Joe Biden Begs For Cash To Buy Sandwiches IMPEACH!

In case you missed the most important news of the day because you were busy watching Sen. Harry Reid (D-Bikini Atoll) nuclear bomb the Senate — metaphorically — we bring you this extremely important story. Mark your calendars, because you will definitely want to tell your grandchildren where you were when this OUTRAGE!!!!! happened. (Trigger warning for outrage): Read more on BREAKING: Cheap Moocher Joe Biden Begs For Cash To Buy Sandwiches IMPEACH!…
  dial m for mayor

Old Handsome Joe Biden Calls Every Martin Walsh In Book, Gets New Boston Mayor Eventually

Old Handsome Joe Biden accidentally called the wrong Martin Walsh Tuesday night to congratulate him on being elected Mayor of Boston. Instead of reaching the new mayor, OHJB called a former Ted Kennedy staffer with the same name, starting the conversation with a friendly “You son of a gun, Marty! You did it!” After Walsh cleared up the mistake, the two chatted a bit, and Biden then called the right Martin Walsh and left a congratulatory voicemail. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Calls Every Martin Walsh In Book, Gets New Boston Mayor Eventually…
  insane in the campaign

‘Double Down’ Campaign Book: Mitt Romney Made Fun Of Chris Christie For Being Big Gross Fatty

There’s a new book out about the 2012 election that made Barack Obama dictator for life (again) and exiled Mitt Romney to the wolf-stalked beaches of Southern California. It’s called “Double Down,” probably after the KFC bacon and cheese and two hunks of fried chicken instead of bread sandwich, because like the sandwich it appeals to a small group of antisocial gluttons while nauseating everyone else. “Double Down” is by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, the guys who wrote “Game Change,” a book that got made into a movie about Sarah Palin and how she is terrible. LOL DIDN’T READ is what we said to that, and we won’t be reading this one either, because the liberal media has already done it for us. Here’s a taste: “I’m tired of you people!!!” the book quotes Christie as saying. “Leave me the [expletive] alone!!!!” Christie said this to some Romney lackey after Christie was criticized for making his GOP convention speech all about himself. You want more? Yeah, yeah you do. You want it bad. Read more on ‘Double Down’ Campaign Book: Mitt Romney Made Fun Of Chris Christie For Being Big Gross Fatty…
  same senate different day

Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism

Cory Booker, welcome to the Senate. On a day better known for scary costumes, you are one good-looking piece of eye-candy that we are very excited to see more of! And you were sworn in by the only man in the Senate we would like to bone more harder, Old Handsome Joe Biden, playing his oft-overlooked role of President of the Senate. What kind of treats does the Senate have in store for you today? Well, less than an hour after being sworn in, you got to cast your first votes. But your recent victory streak came to a screeching halt, per WaPo: Senate Republicans on Thursday blocked a vote on the nomination of Rep. Mel Watt (D-N.C.) to lead the Federal Housing Finance Agency.  The Senate voted 56-42 to proceed to a vote on Watt’s nomination — shy of the 60 votes required to end debate. Welcome to the Senate, Cory, where a ‘majority’ of 42 Senators get to hold up the people’s business. Democracy is a strange thing, sometimes. Read more on Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism…