Tag Archives: joe biden

  dancin' fool

Old Handsome Joe Biden Can’t Take Teen To Prom, Sends Corsage And Undersecretary Of Commerce Instead

Talia Maselli of Newington, Connecticut, is officially Yr. Wonkette’s favorite teen of the day, because of her excellent taste in men. Last fall, she sent a prom invitation to her ideal date: Old Handsome Joe Biden. Smart girl, thinks ahead. Unfortunately the Veep couldn’t make it, even after this seemingly irresistible pitch: “I am inviting you so far in advance because I’m sure many 17-year-old girls send you prom invitations, and I had to beat them to it … I could only tolerate a high school dance if I was to be escorted by the most delightful man in America.” And if Biden didn’t go, she might ask out John Boehner instead, she said. “And we can’t have that now can we?” Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Can’t Take Teen To Prom, Sends Corsage And Undersecretary Of Commerce Instead…
  sweet carolina

Joe Biden Melts Hearts And Panties In South Carolina

Is our favorite vice president of all time, Old Handsome Joe Biden, guzzling some of those five-hour energy drinks we see advertised everywhere? Because word is he went to a Democratic Party fundraiser in South Carolina on Friday night and tore shit up, son. Probably going to be a mini-Democratic baby boom down in that area in about nine months. Not that OHJB has eyes for anyone except Dr. Jill. It’s just that his raw animal magnetism is such that he can make a lady pregnant with his eyes. He’s that awesome. OHJB was actually in Columbia to deliver the commencement speech at the University of South Carolina but took the time to head to the fundraiser and rally the troops. While there, he gave a speech that attendees described to CNN as “populist” and “Elizabeth Warren-like,” hitting on themes of how the middle class is still struggling economically while corporations are more beholden to their stockholders than their employees. OHJB channeling Liz Warren? Are your panties a total loss yet? Read more on Joe Biden Melts Hearts And Panties In South Carolina…
  dear mr. fantasy

Glenn Beck Pretty Sure That Joe Biden And Nancy Pelosi Will Holocaust Him Into Getting Tattoos

We’re perpetually amazed that Glenn Beck has a national platform — and a lot of money — to say things that would sound weird and paranoid even if they came from one of those guys that walks around wearing a “The World is Ending” sandwich board. What was Glenn going on about yesterday? Oh, nothing really, except how he won’t watch the hilariously awesome WHCD video that Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi were in, but he is pretty sure it is leading us all to concentration camps. Read more on Glenn Beck Pretty Sure That Joe Biden And Nancy Pelosi Will Holocaust Him Into Getting Tattoos…
  nobody got executed at least

Fine, Here Is Your President ‘Cracking Wise’ At The White House Correspondents Dinner

You may have noticed that we did not livebloog the White House Correspondents Dinner last night, because we were already well into an ether and risotto binge, and also it is not terribly funny, except in years when the President is making fun of Donald Trump while knowing that he is about to personally kill bin Laden. On the other hand, we also would never say no to a naked bid for web traffic, so here are some clips! First off, here is an actually funny thing, mostly, with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Old Handsome Joe Biden and OHJB’s actual-maybe brand-new Corvette Stingray. We liked Julia’s Kevin Spacey bit. After the jump, clips of Barry Bamz making with the carefully vetted funny, and Community Star Joel McHale maybe bombing, at least that’s what we heard after we got most of the risotto out of our pants. Read more on Fine, Here Is Your President ‘Cracking Wise’ At The White House Correspondents Dinner…
  that's so biden

Let’s All Watch Joe Biden Yell At Rapists (Video)

The White House has released a report on campus sex assault, which is good because apparently we forgot to Take Back the Night at Occidental, and Patrick Henry, and, hmmm, all the other colleges and universities in the entire land. Luckily, here is Joe Biden to YELL AT RAPISTS AND DOMESTIC ABUSERS. Let’s watch, together! Read more on Let’s All Watch Joe Biden Yell At Rapists (Video)…
  the grins of the father

Young Handsome Beau Biden Will Ride Dad’s Trans-Am To Delaware Governor’s Mansion

This is nice: Old Handsome Joe Biden’s son Beau, the Attorney General of Delaware, announced today that he won’t be seeking reelection to a third term in office this year, so that he can concentrate on running for governor in 2016. In a statement, he says that the governor thing just sort of snuck up on him and began taking over his mind, the result of finding a magical ring in a dragon’s cave: Over the past few months, as I’ve been planning to run for reelection, I have also been giving a great deal of thought to running for Governor in 2016. What started as a thought — a very persistent thought — has now become a course of action that I wish to pursue … After careful consideration, I have concluded that it is not right to ask for your support in 2014, knowing that my focus would be divided between doing my job as Attorney General while at the same time running as a candidate for Governor. That’s really pretty considerate of him, we think, and seems kind of unusual — isn’t the usual script to announce your reelection campaign, then deny that you have any definite plans for higher office until suddenly, a year and some into your new term, The People call you to serve? Read more on Young Handsome Beau Biden Will Ride Dad’s Trans-Am To Delaware Governor’s Mansion…
  you try being funny about this

Du Pont Heir Did Not Go To Prison For Sexually Assaulting His Babies Because Prison Is Hard On Rich People

So we were thinking this HuffPo article could not possibly be real, because this is the sort of shit that only happens on teevee when there was always one of the terrible caricatures of “liberal judges” on “Law and Order,” but unless Delaware now has its own not funny super depressing version of The Onion, this shit totally happened: super rich du Pont heir dude Robert H. Richards IV did not see one minute of jail time for sexually assaulting an infant, because he wouldn’t fare well in prison. The light sentence was hush hush for several years, but has just come to light in a lawsuit filed by Richards’s ex-wife. In related news, everything is awful. Read more on Du Pont Heir Did Not Go To Prison For Sexually Assaulting His Babies Because Prison Is Hard On Rich People…
  dumb jerks

Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Thinks Illegal Immigrants Are People

Joe Biden, he’s this guy. He’s a big dumb jerk of a guy who thinks illegal immigrants are “American,” as even if. “Eleven million people living in the shadows I believed are already American citizens,” Biden said. “These people are just waiting, waiting for a chance to be able to contribute fully, and by that standard, 11 million undocumented aliens are already Americans in my view.” Then there was a bunch of nonsense about “Teddy Roosevelt,” and “courage” and “a decent chance” for their children, some of whom are already citizens just because they were born here, as if that is even fair. Luckily, the commenters at CNS were there to set dumb jerk Joe Biden straight. Read more on Dumb Jerk Joe Biden Thinks Illegal Immigrants Are People…
  old handsome joe strikes again

Joe Biden Will Catch Your Rapist

You know how on “Law and Order SVU” they always take a rape kit at the hospital immediately following the assault and then like magic it gets run through a giant database and spits out the DNA of the rapist? Yeah, that does not happen, people. In real life, that rape kit gets taken and stuffed in a lab somewhere, joining a giant slew of untested kits. Joe Biden aims to change that because Joe Biden is the best. Vice President Joe Biden proposed $35 million in grant funding on Wednesday afternoon to help clear the hundreds of thousands of backlogged rape kits off the shelves of police stations and labs. Biden, who has made countering domestic abuse and sexual assault a cornerstone of his political career, told reporters that testing the backlogged kits helps police track down serial rapists, which provides “the ultimate closure for a woman.” Read more on Joe Biden Will Catch Your Rapist…
  that's our joe

Old Handsome Joe Biden Tries To Sell Canadian On Obamacare

There’s just something about Old Handsome Joe Biden that makes this kind of thing happen: Joe was in Scottsdale, Arizona, last week, and a local teevee news crew caught him doing his Biden Magic — sitting down next to a smiling young woman and urging her to enroll in Obamacare, because health insurance for the youngs is a good thing, and your parents will be reassured that you’re covered. And sure, the nice young lady, “Jackie,” turned out to be Canadian, but how was Joe supposed to know that without seeing the flag on her backpack? This one’s being called a “gaffe,” but it’s not like he was making fun of that country’s “bacon,” or “curling” or “whiskey,” now was he? Heck, she wasn’t even in a wheelchair, so for OHJB, this was a pretty good day. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Tries To Sell Canadian On Obamacare…
  they call it 'yogging' it's all the rage

Barack Obama And Joe Biden Run From Specter Of Great And Terrible Michelle Obama (Video)

See those men? Those are Barack Obama and Old Handsome Joe Biden, and they are “let’s moving,” because they are scared of the fiery wrath of Michelle Obama. Did you like the ’80s cop show styley music, like maybe it is the theme from Simon & Simon, or maybe it is TJ Hooker? Did you like that they kind of run a little bit like moms? Did you like that they are not very good at “acting”? Don’t lie, you super fapped, because it is our Bamz and our OHJB, and that means it is NOT Cory Booker and Chris Christie, who put out a far superior “funny video,” that you unaccountably hated. But beyond “hey look a silly video and drink your water,” are there implications for Mommy Wars, and Intersectional Feminist Fights? Of course there are, don’t be RIDICULOSE. Read more on Barack Obama And Joe Biden Run From Specter Of Great And Terrible Michelle Obama (Video)…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Wants Obama To Be More Like Reagan, Invade Grenada To Save Ukraine Maybe

The crisis in Ukraine brought out the usual “Obama is weak” trolls, and some foreign policy experts like Oliver North wished that the president would take firm action, just like Ronald Reagan did. Jon Stewart notes that Reagan’s “just do it” approach was great, if you don’t mind a little blowback after a few years. Read more on Jon Stewart Wants Obama To Be More Like Reagan, Invade Grenada To Save Ukraine Maybe…
  clipbait

Watch Seth Meyers And Amy Poehler Drool All Over Old Handsome Joe Biden, Just Like Any Of Us Would (Video)

Bill O’Reilly got Barack, Jimmy Fallon got Michelle, so it’s only fair that Seth Meyers would get the Vice President. If any other special Teevee events come along, they’ll have to choose between Dr. Jill Biden or the President Pro Tempore of the Senate; it’s in the Constitution. (Do Al Haig jokes even work anymore?) Read more on Watch Seth Meyers And Amy Poehler Drool All Over Old Handsome Joe Biden, Just Like Any Of Us Would (Video)…
  OHJB

LaGuardia ‘A Third World Country’? Say It Ain’t So, Joe Biden!

We give much love to Old Handsome Joe “Now You’re Jack Kennedy!” Biden because he is excellent and pretty much the perfect wacky, free-wheeling, avuncular Vice Presidential complement to Barry’s somnolent rationality. But we also have integrity, so we are gonna call Joe Biden out: New York’s fine LaGuardia airport is not like “a third world country,” as he said during a recent performance of his popular traveling show Infrastructure Revue & Burlesque, of which POLITICO has made this supercut. Uh oh, it’s a #slatepitch! Read more on LaGuardia ‘A Third World Country’? Say It Ain’t So, Joe Biden!…
  make it work

Laura Bush, Feminist Hero: When There Is A First Gentleman, We Should Fat-Shame Him And Laugh At His Clothes

We usually don’t get around to praising Laura Bush much in these parts. Our feelings on her tend to run the gamut from “meh” to “oh, do shut up.” But we are pretty into her latest interview, where she says that she would be totally down with scrutinizing a future First Gentleman the way we now dissect everything that FLOTUS wears, what makeup she rocks, and how she gets her hair did. Former first lady Laura Bush proposed that the future first gentleman should get the same scrutiny about his looks and style as first ladies have faced in recent decades. Asked in a recent C-SPAN interview whether the media focuses too much on the first lady’s hair, makeup and clothes, Bush said, “Yes. For sure.” “But I don’t think we can get around it. Maybe when we finally have a first gentleman,” she said. The interview was taped for C-SPAN’s continuing First Ladies series and airs Monday. “And maybe we should be that way about the first gentlemen, also, really critique the way they look all the time. Their choice of tie, or their hair style. Whatever. Or maybe their weight,” she said. Read more on Laura Bush, Feminist Hero: When There Is A First Gentleman, We Should Fat-Shame Him And Laugh At His Clothes…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Breaks GOP State Of The Union Spinners In Half, Like A Boy (Video)

Jon Stewart is in beautiful form in this analysis of post-SOTU Republican talking points. The only problem with the night’s theme — Obama just doesn’t want to do Bipartisanship — Stewart says, “is that it’s total bullshit..Premium, Grade-A grass fed free range bullshit. Collected and packaged by hand…” And then he starts getting mean. Read more on Jon Stewart Breaks GOP State Of The Union Spinners In Half, Like A Boy (Video)…
  seems everything's funny to you wonkett

Here Is Your Big Deal State Of The Union Caption Contest, America!

Thanks to the wonders of modern digital recording technology, we have this “Vine” thing from “Now This Politics,” showing Old Handsome Joe Biden being his usual awesome self during the State of the Union Address. Your assignment, O Wonkaderos, is to make up a funny caption for it and post it in the comments by 8 PM EST today, so’s the night shift people (i.e., anyone in the chat cave after sundown) can judge your efforts and select the winners, to be posted tomorrow morning. And we promise not to berate you about how lame your captions are this time, we promise!* Winner gets a “pony.” Or an “iPhone.” We even have two exciting gifs for you to choose from! In addition to OHJB, we also have another image after the jump! You will never guess what it is, unless you happen to guess it! Read more on Here Is Your Big Deal State Of The Union Caption Contest, America!…
  The State Of Our Union Is Drink

Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline

What time is the 2014 State of the Union SOTU Fox News? It is at 8:55 Eastern ET Time. What time is the Wonkette Livebloog time-stamped word salad refresh your browser to update liveblog? IT IS ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. Welcome to part two of your nonsense! Nonsensers! 10:09 p.m.: And we’re back! That was a scary couple of minutes. It’s a finely calibrated operation to move from one blog to another, nothelped by the fact that we’re drunk. 10:11 p.m.: There’s old WALNUTS! making a Peyton Manning Face. Super Bowl’s not until Sunday, Walnuts. 10:12 p.m.: Yeah, Olympics! U-S-A! U-S-A! Bring home the gold in that jumping snowmobile motorcross whatever thingie! 10:15 p.m.: So far the only times we’ve seen Boehner stand up is for the veterans, because everyone loves The Troops. Now if he could just get his caucus of rabid ferrets to actually budget some funds to help them. 10:17 p.m.: Bamz totally bringing down the room with this horrible, horrible story. Now it’s getting inspiring. Boehner looks like he’s straining to drop a deuce. Now everyone is standing to applaud this guy. Pardon us, someone seems to be chopping onions in the Wonkette Command Center. 10:18 p.m.: Still with the onions. Or maybe the dog has gas. 10:20 p.m.: Editrix informs us that the dog does not have gas and her poops are perfumed like the finest shops in Paris. Okay then. Read more on Wonkette Live Drunkblog State Of The Union 2014 Liveblog SOTU Search Optimized Drunk Headline…
  the place where his horses run free

Old Handsome Joe Biden Gets His Motor Running At Detroit Auto Show

Hey there, Old Handsome Joe Biden! How you liking the motorcars at the Detroit Auto Show? Too bad the Secret Service won’t let you take a literal victory lap, but the metaphorical kind isn’t bad, either: “What a difference five years makes,” Mr. Biden said to auto executives, noting that in 2009 car sales plunged and many questioned whether the auto industry could survive the recession. Auto sales have surged in recent months and climbed back to precrisis levels. “American cars and trucks are once again changing the game and I might add providing good, decent jobs,” he said. We would really like to be able to say that OHJB then burned donuts into the auto show carpet, sending journalists scattering, but sadly, that would be inaccurate. Canada’s National Journal does at least note that he gave it some thought: Sitting in some new models of the Jeep Cherokee and Chrysler 200, he joked to surrounding reporters that he might run them over. “I am driving it off,” said the flamboyant No. 2. Heh. “Flamboyant.” We believe that means that Mr. Vice President Old Handsome Biden is what you call a ho-mo-sechsul. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Gets His Motor Running At Detroit Auto Show…
  wonkette brings you the hard news

Roger Ailes Unhappy About New Biography That Says Roger Ailes Is Terrible, Angry, Horny Sexmonster

It is a bit quiet news-wise today, so let us talk about Roger Ailes’ dick. Oh sure, we could talk about any other subject under the sun besides Roger Ailes’ dick. The terrible cold weather, the latest slap on the wrist for JPMorgan, S.E. Cupp taking the early lead for dumbest column any pundit will write in 2014. But are any of those subjects really more interesting than Roger Ailes’ dick? We think the question answers itself. Here is why we are thinking about Roger Ailes’ dick. The New York Times got its hands on a copy of Gabriel Sherman’s new biography of the walking tub of chicken fat and his dick, and one of the funnier stories involves Randi Anderson, a television producer who went to work for CNBC when Ailes was running that channel twenty years ago. Anderson alleges that Ailes offered her an extra $100 a week to have sex with him whenever he wanted. Because when you are Roger Ailes, you are entitled to an in-house concubine at your office, even if you want to pay well below what we imagine was the market rate for a prostitute in New York City in the early 1990s. Read more on Roger Ailes Unhappy About New Biography That Says Roger Ailes Is Terrible, Angry, Horny Sexmonster…
  hot pants

PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings

It would be so exciting to live in a country where “Obamacare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America”, but PolitiFact says no, we cannot live there because there is a fire on its pants. Why is PolitiFact so mean to our childlike sense of wonder and our precious need to feel threatened, which helps us pretend we’re important? All this rage isn’t going to misdirect itself, darn it! Read more on PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings…