Tag Archives: joe biden

  do not pass go

Bernie Fans And Republicans Agree: Hillary Clinton Should Drop Out NOW!

Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton's real face, we guess.
Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton’s real face, we guess. Oh look, it is another extremely meaningful poll to tell us the extremely meaningful things about what might happen if the 2016 election were held today, even though it’s not going to be held for (hold on, back-of-the-napkin calculations happening) at least eleventy thousand more days. Considering how Hillary Clinton is probably a ginormous email criminal, who insists on changing her email address every single time she fires up a new AOL free trial CD-ROM, should she drop out of the race RIGHT THIS SECOND? Glad we have a poll from the ever-reliable Rasmussen to tell us these things: Read more on Bernie Fans And Republicans Agree: Hillary Clinton Should Drop Out NOW!…
  There Are Democrats Running This Year Too!

Hey, What’s Up With The 2016 Democrats?

Three Dems, One Cup
Three Dems, One Cup With all the Republicans trying their best to beat the crap out of each other, you have to feel a little bad for the Democrats, who have generally been like the well-behaved kids who are trying to have a thoughtful talk about important Calculus Club business in one corner of the cafeteria while everyone’s paying attention to the brawl over by the snack machine, where the little brother of the quarterback from several seasons ago is getting a wedgie from that obnoxious guy with the weird hair. (Somewhere in this analogy, Rand Paul is wondering why no one’s taking his Objectivist Club pamphlets, John Kasich can’t convince anyone to play D & D with him — he insists on using the 2nd Edition — and no one’s even sure if Jim Gilmore actually attends this school.) So let’s check in on the people who actually care about subject-verb agreement and income inequality. Read more on Hey, What’s Up With The 2016 Democrats?…
  He Makes Us Mad. He makes Us Mean Mad

Ted Cruz Chooses Perfect Day To Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter

English lacks sufficient invective for this man
English lacks sufficient invective for this smug excuse for a human being. Sen. Ted Cruz, displaying the warmth and basic decency that have made him a legend among near-human beings, chose the day after former President Jimmy Carter announced that he has brain cancer to natter on about how terrible a president Carter was, but at least the man only had a single term before Ronald Reagan Saved America. Read more on Ted Cruz Chooses Perfect Day To Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter…
  Bern Noticed

Bernie Sanders Surging In New Hampshire Poll, So You Should Buy This Mug

Great Scott!
Bernie Sanders continues to be the under-the-radar, populist wild-haired guy from the Democratic wing of the Democratic Party, drawing enormous crowds (a record-stomping 28,000 in Portland, Oregon, on Sunday: 19,000 inside a sportsball arena, and the proverbial “over 9000” in an overflow area). He’s even ahead of Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire in a poll released Tuesday evening. The Franklin Pierce University/Boston Herald poll shows Sanders leading Clinton 44-37 percent among likely Democratic primary voters, which is the first time Bernie has actually outpolled Hillz in the Granite State. Read more on Bernie Sanders Surging In New Hampshire Poll, So You Should Buy This Mug…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: Why Do You Liberals Care If Druggies Die?

Scootaloo is a skateboard punk rocker. Let's hope she ends up saner than Michelle Shocked.
We’ve got a heapin’ helpin’ of hostility for you this week, on any number of topics, so let’s jump right into it with this one-liner from “Boggy,” who posted it this week in reply to our June piece on Ted Cruz’s classy jokes about Joe Biden, four days after the death of Biden’s son Beau: Read more on Deleted Comments: Why Do You Liberals Care If Druggies Die?…
  nice time!

Afternoon Nicest Time: The Time Young Handsome Joe Biden Fell In Love With Gay Marriage

evan hurst. just kidding, it's young handsome joe biden!
Old Handsome Joe Biden gives the best speeches ever. They might even be better than Barack Obama’s! Tough call, but at least we can all agree that they’re better than anything that ever slithered out of a Republican’s thin-lipped maw-hole. Thursday night, Vice President Biden spoke at the Freedom To Marry Celebration Of Victory gala in New York, and hoo boy, it was a doozy. For instance, how did Joe Biden stop worrying and learn to love the gay marriages? Well, it was from his Dad Biden, who was obviously very evolved on these issues! Read more on Afternoon Nicest Time: The Time Young Handsome Joe Biden Fell In Love With Gay Marriage…
  Be still our hearts

Will Old Handsome Joe Biden Be President Of Hillary Clinton? MAYBE!

We wouldn't be opposed to this development.
The Democratic presidential primary might get a little more crowded very soon — like three whole candidates, not counting the ones who don’t count — because SOURCES SAY that Old Handsome Joe Biden is going to declare his intention to rob Hillary Clinton of the crown the ancients prophets said she was to assume as U.S. American president. Are the Sources Who Say correct? Who knows! We should take this with a grain of salt and stuff, because Washington Times, and a lot of media people just generally like to stir shit, but it could happen! Let’s see what the gossip rags have to say: Read more on Will Old Handsome Joe Biden Be President Of Hillary Clinton? MAYBE!…
  only $7.99!

Wonkette Doesn’t Sell Confederate Flag Apparel, But We Gots Panties With Teeth!

Burning with a desire for reconciliation, these panties are.
June 23, 2015, will go down as the day America’s corporate overlords realized products bearing the symbol of the Confederate battle flag, which commemorates a group of traitors no better than those who leave America to fight alongside ISIS, are BAD. This came after two days of wingnut Republican elected officials coming to Jesus on the subject of the traitor flag, we assume because their internal pollsters told them that the numbers of of Americans horrified by the murder of nine black churchgoers far outweighs the tiny cohort of cousin-humping bubbas who think the flag represents the Real America. Read more on Wonkette Doesn’t Sell Confederate Flag Apparel, But We Gots Panties With Teeth!…
  Ha ... ha ... groan

Ted Cruz Tells Another Appropriate Well-Timed Joke, This Time About Guns Ha Ha Ha

Hoo boy, that Ted Cruz sure is a funny guy. While he is too big a coward to take a position on the Confederate flag and whether it should continue to fly on the grounds of South Carolina’s state capitol (hint: it should not), he’s not at all afraid to crack some “jokes” about gun control at a town hall meeting in Red Oak, Iowa: Read more on Ted Cruz Tells Another Appropriate Well-Timed Joke, This Time About Guns Ha Ha Ha…
  Delete your show

This Is The Worst Thing Pat Robertson Has Ever Said

Televangelist scam artist Pat Robertson has said some horrible, terrible, evil, awful words in his 315 years on this Earth. About how to beat your kids just right, how to pray the gay away, how to doll yourself up so your husband doesn’t cheat on you. Also, some straight-up crazy talk about Satanic vegetables. Usually, we try to find the funny — haha, look what creepy old Uncle Pat said on his show today! — and then we make some jokes about it. But Robertson’s advice to “Jane,” on how to comfort a coworker whose three-year-old died, is So. Fucking. The Worst: Read more on This Is The Worst Thing Pat Robertson Has Ever Said…
  TAKE THAT HITLER-Y

Surprise! Americans Love Socialism, Want To Kiss Bernie Sanders Right On His Man-Lips

Bernie's on yr tits, winning all yr elections.
Is Bernie Sanders going to take away Hillary Clinton’s tiara and crown himself King of America, with votes? MAYBE! It turns out that, unlike the 19 Republicans running (one per Duggar child, as the Bible instructs), Sanders is real serious about his candidacy, and people are really liking what he has to say. Some of his events have even been standing-room only! Read more on Surprise! Americans Love Socialism, Want To Kiss Bernie Sanders Right On His Man-Lips…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Megyn Kelly Plays Softball With The Duggar Sisters: Your Weekly Top Ten

Tryin' hard to come up with some more easy questions.
HEY WONKETARIAT, we hope this weekly Top Ten post finds you rested and not too hungover. It’s time for us to look at all the stories that made you laugh and cry and whatever other emotions you feel in response to Wonkette posts, you’re very unpredictable. Guess what? That Duggar story is still going on, but we are happy to report that only HALF of the top ten posts this week are Duggar-related. Read more on Megyn Kelly Plays Softball With The Duggar Sisters: Your Weekly Top Ten…
  Christ what an asshole

Hey Ted Cruz, Why Don’t You Shove Your Joe Biden ‘Jokes’ Right Up Your Bible Hole?

He'll save you, red states!
On Saturday, Vice President Joe Biden’s son Beau died of brain cancer. On Wednesday, Ted Cruz decided the vice president, who has not even buried his son yet, had been given enough time to grieve the loss of yet another child — Biden’s one-year-old daughter and first wife died in a car accident in 1972 — because Cruz had a real HI-larious side-splitting zinger to deliver at a Republican event in Michigan: Read more on Hey Ted Cruz, Why Don’t You Shove Your Joe Biden ‘Jokes’ Right Up Your Bible Hole?…
  Molotov!

Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!

Now the evil scheming begins
Well, that wasn’t so hard! After waiting for a nearly record-setting 166 days to be confirmed, Loretta Lynch was finally sworn in as U.S. Attorney General by Vice President Joe Biden, who presumably saved his congratulatory groping for after the ceremony. Read more on Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!…
  Is This Another Caption Contest? You Decide.

Old Handsome Joe Biden, Binky Thief

That babby's binky is a big fuckin' deal
So here, as they say, is a thing that happened: Georgina Bloomberg, daughter of former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg, posted the above photo to her MyFacePlaceSpace page with the comment, “What’s a boy to do when the Vice President steals your pacifier?” Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden, Binky Thief…