Tag Archives: joe barton

  eviscerate the proletariat!

Conservatives Turn Out In Support Of Poor Beleaguered Rapacious Fast Food Corporations

Over at Michelle Malkin’s Twitter Dump for Adderall Deficient Jackanapes, the wingnuts are having a giant happy because fast food workers across the nation are striking for a living wage, which gives the knuckle-dragging cholesterol bombs of the right an excuse (as if they needed one) to patronize every McDonalds and Hardees from sea to shining sea for every meal they eat today. Because the hell with Big Labor thugs or fast food employees not having to sell their bodily organs to pay the bills! Workers are demanding a minimum wage of $15, which doesn’t sound so unreasonable to us, but we’re giant Marxists who think people should not have to work two jobs just to afford the rent on a single room in one of those long-term occupancy hotels where the front-desk clerk sits behind bulletproof glass. Obviously this might impinge on your average Mickey D’s ability to run its Dollar Menu promotion on the regular, so you wingnuts will just have to pay a little more for the privilege of gobbling those artery-clogging Big Macs when you take your spouses out for Date Night. Cry us a fucking river. Read more on Conservatives Turn Out In Support Of Poor Beleaguered Rapacious Fast Food Corporations…
  creature features

Killer Typhoons, Low-Information Congressmen, And Giant Snakes, All In This Week’s Sci-Blog

Hola, Wonketeers! It’s time once again for another frighteningly disturbing Wonkette Sci-Blog. Help yourselves to a bowl of ayahuasca and come on in! Whew! I’ve finally gotten all cleaned up and straightened out from another year’s Halloween. It’s truly a wonderful holiday – all the neighborhood children don clever costumes and run right up to the laboratory door to have their brains removed. So much fun, but so much work! It begins innocently enough with one of your “friends,” a group of kids way in the back of the library, perhaps an older trusted teacher. Someone will come up to you and say “Hey, Kid! wanna read the newspaper?” You act cool. You want to fit in. OK, just one article. you think.  What’s the worst that can happen? You read and suddenly a rush of knowledge hits you. It feels wonderful. I know what’s going on! you think. Soon, you’re sneaking peeks at the paper when your parents are away and watching the evening news in your room with the sound down. Your mom almost catches you in the bathroom with a copy of The Atlantic Monthly but the porno mag cover you’ve stapled on fools her. You start arguing with your teachers about foreign affairs and farm policy.  You stop hanging out with your old friends and all your new friends just happen to be “readers.” Read more on Killer Typhoons, Low-Information Congressmen, And Giant Snakes, All In This Week’s Sci-Blog…
  facts won't do what i want them to

Texas Rep. Joe Barton Being Dumb Again, Obamacare Edition

So by now you’ve probably seen the bit from yesterday’s Obamacare Website Blame Hearings where New Jersey Democrat Frank Pallone called the proceedings a “monkey court” (wrong species, guy) and accused Republicans of trying to scare people away from signing up for the Affordable Care Act. What’s gotten a bit less attention was the substance of the accusation that Pallone was responding to: Texas congresskangaroo Joe Barton trying to suggest that anyone using the ACA website might unwittingly disclose protected health information. As Salon’s Brian Beutler explains, Barton wasn’t just wrong, he also gave Democrats a fine opportunity to talk about one of the ACA’s greatest strengths: By ending the practice of denying coverage due to pre-existing conditions, the ACA lets people sign up for insurance without revealing the kind of private health information that used to be standard on every single insurance application ever. So, hey, sure hope we’ll hear some Democrats talking that up, right? Read more on Texas Rep. Joe Barton Being Dumb Again, Obamacare Edition…
  just lose your eyes and think of england

Gulf Of Mexico Seafood Much Cuter Now Without All Those Eyes

Remember when hero Congressman Joe Barton apologized to British Petroleum for all the bother the US government was causing it, by forcing it to maybe mitigate some of the hellfire it had sort of rained down upon the Gulf? Those were good times, like when the old man apologized to Dick Cheney, for having been in the way of his gun! Well, now Joe Barton is going to have to apologize to BP AGAIN, because the Gulf of Mexico is all full of shrimp with no eyes now, and somebody (al Jazeera) is going to be mean to them about it! Why won’t Barack NoObAma apologize for al Jazeera’s mean reporting about BP on his American Apologies tour??? Read more on Gulf Of Mexico Seafood Much Cuter Now Without All Those Eyes…
  le petit prince

Joe Barton Sent Around This Dumb PowerPoint To Republicans

Republican caucus! Republican caucus! Look what Joe Barton made! He put together a slideshow about how he will be the best Energy and Commerce chairman ever. He worked really hard on it, as you can see from the slide above comparing the denying of access to health care to being the good guys in World War II, so someone should print this out and put it on the fridge. Read more on Joe Barton Sent Around This Dumb PowerPoint To Republicans…
  dimmer faster

Joe Barton Is Going To Marry An Incandescent Lightbulb

What does being the only man in America to apologize to BP for this past summer’s oil spill get you? Why, the chairmanship of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, of course! Joe Barton is still somehow the ranking Republican member of that committee, so he will probably get that job, even though his party has lots of reasons not to give it to him. Barton is hoping to do a good job as the energy chairman — and that means making sure this country burns up as much energy resources as possible. That’s why he’s defending “traditional, incandescent light bulb” marriage against Americans who sinfully want to marry “the little, squiggly, pig-tailed ones.” Read more on Joe Barton Is Going To Marry An Incandescent Lightbulb…
  wonkette field trip

A Children’s Treasury Of Pictures From The Most Important Baseball Game Ever

Last night was the much anticipated Roll Call Congressional Baseball Game and somehow your Wonkabout convinced our dearly departed editor Jim Newell to join her for the adventure. New editor Jack refused to leave his home, cats and whatever, and missed the annual Wonkette field trip. At the Big Game Republicans and Democrats showed off their little league skills, a lady — Linda Sanchez — had a great hit and Bart Stupak had a double play that was the highlight of the evening. Yes, Bart Stupak saved the Democrats and no one had any love for the Republican team manager JOE BARTON. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Pictures From The Most Important Baseball Game Ever…
  the man sticks by some of his words

Joe Barton: ‘Joe Barton Was Right’

Has Joe Barton stopped apologizing about his BP comment and letting himself be paddled by Republican leaders and come back around to knowing he was right when he said it? Dave Weigel. SHOOK DOWN (looked at) Joe Barton’s Twitter account, and it would appear so! This tweet directs “readers” to an American Spectator article that argues Joe Barton was right. Thank God the American Spectator is around to defend Joe Barton’s honor! Now the American public can resume its love affair with Congressman Joe Barton. Read more on Joe Barton: ‘Joe Barton Was Right’…
  america's apologist

Republican Leadership Honors Joe Barton’s Apology To BP

Remember when everybody was so outraged about actual Oil Industry Millionaire Joe Barton apologizing to BP for all the trouble America caused by allowing BP to destroy the entire Gulf of Mexico? And the GOP House leadership dragged Barton into a back room and slapped his cheeks gently with their flaccid old orange penises? And he was going to lose his spot as the ranking Republican on the powerful House Energy committee? Well, let’s let bygones be bygones, because America needs to move on. Read more on Republican Leadership Honors Joe Barton’s Apology To BP…
  vampire weekend songs

Tony Hayward Sees No Problem Attending Good Ol’-Fashioned Down-Home Saturday Yacht Race

Oh yeah, good idea, people totally won’t get all pissed off and populisty about you going to watch your yacht compete in a yacht race, Tony Hayward. That will definitely ingratiate you with the small people of the Gulf Coast. It’s just like their favorite sport, NASCAR. NASCAR has its roots in bootleggers modifying their cars because they needed to outrun the cops. Yacht racing has its roots in rich people modifying their ridiculous boats because they have too much free time and needed a new thing to show they’re better than other rich people. Read more on Tony Hayward Sees No Problem Attending Good Ol’-Fashioned Down-Home Saturday Yacht Race…
  Tony! Toni! Toné!

Tony Hayward’s Greatest Hits; BP’s Well Partner Says Disaster ‘Preventable’

Here’s a charming video showing all the times Tony Hayward said “I don’t recall” or “Not my fault” or “Sorry, can’t hear you!” during his testimony before Joe Barton’s Oil Industry Fan Club on Thursday. Seems like just yesterday when people would put up all kinds of “mashups” or whatever, about Current Events, but only Bloomberg News has a video now, so apologies for the drawn-out introduction. Read more on Tony Hayward’s Greatest Hits; BP’s Well Partner Says Disaster ‘Preventable’…
  the apologist

Everybody — Even John Boehner! — Hates Oil-Industry Whore Joe Barton

It was hardly a good day for BP CEO Tony Hayward, who mumbled “I don’t recall” and “I was not part of that decision making process” enough times to qualify for the Iran-Contra Memorial Bullshit Award. But Tony must be resting a little more comfortably tonight knowing that one of his own supposed tormentors on the U.S. House Energy and Commerce Committee ended up being the most hated Oil Industry goon of the afternoon. Texas Rep. Joe Barton reached new heights of national douchebaggery when, in the space of a few sentences, he managed to apologize to BP and declare that he would no longer live in America, because of the inconveniences suffered by the oil company that has fouled the entire Gulf of Mexico. Read more on Everybody — Even John Boehner! — Hates Oil-Industry Whore Joe Barton…
  traitors must be executed to death

Florida GOP Congressman Wants Joe Barton Destroyed

Here is the corporate troll and traitor Joe Barton (R-Texas) apologizing to BP for the terrible inconvenience America has caused BP, and also promising to move back to communist-land because he hates America so much. Now a Republican congressman from Florida wants Barton kicked off the energy committee for being such a dildo. Read more on Florida GOP Congressman Wants Joe Barton Destroyed…
  the great 'real american' pastime

SUNDAY SPECIAL: Stupid Pictures From Last Week’s Most Important Congressional Baseball Game Ever

You didn’t think we’d forgotten the baseball post, did you? Never! Our full coverage of last week’s annual Roll Call Congressional Baseball Game was always destined to come on Sunday, because Sunday is a day for watching baseball after Church. This was always the plan. Always. Always time infinity. (Lies.) So let’s take a photo tour of Republicans vs. Democrats playing a sport, terribly, in their tights (YES, THAT MEANS JOE BARTON) at Nationals Stadium. Up top: escaped Uighurs from New Jersey sneak into the field! Read more on SUNDAY SPECIAL: Stupid Pictures From Last Week’s Most Important Congressional Baseball Game Ever…
  what demonry is this?

Amphetamine-Tongued Warlock Breaks Into Congress, Frightens Joe Barton

Comical Texas Rep. Joe Barton’s War on Gorillas intensified earlier today when he threatened to force poor, overworked clerks to read the entire 900-page Waxman-Markey energy bill aloud in committee, including his 450 obnoxious amendments about kicking Henry Waxman in the penis. Waxman responded by traveling to the seedy underbelly of Satan’s Hell to contract this secret Hessian mercenary, a “speed-reader,” on retainer, just in case Barton’s jackassery came to fruition. The speed-reader is clearly a muslin terrorist, and it is offensive to Dick Cheney for the liberals to allow him inside the United States Capitol. [TPM] Read more on Amphetamine-Tongued Warlock Breaks Into Congress, Frightens Joe Barton…
  endless sources of material

Joe Barton Tells Truth About Carbon Dioxide, Again

Here’s your recent Wonkette obsession, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, fighting the gorilla, which he will do daily as long as this Waxman-Markey energy bill is up for debate. In today’s session, Barton explains that fuel-efficient cars are not fuel-efficient, carbon dioxide is in the delightful beverage Coca-Cola, there is no evidence of higher carbon dioxide concentrations in the atmosphere, and of course, “you can’t regulate God.” Big round of applause for Joe Barton, everyone, because what the gays don’t understand is that God put those coal-fired power plants on Earth himself, shortly after giving pet dinosaurs to Noah and Moses, and they’re guarded by magical force fields so just bugger off already. [Think Progress] Read more on Joe Barton Tells Truth About Carbon Dioxide, Again…
  fightin' the gorillas

Joe Barton Hard At Work, Being An Asshole

Opossum-eyed Jesus geologist Joe Barton, Republican Congressman from Texas, signaled his intent last month to stop the liberal Waxman-Markey energy bill — the one with cap-and-trade, which is about hamburgers — with traditional adult methods of opposition: “I’m going to be the sneaky little guy that pops up from behind the bush and fights the guerrilla. But guerrilla warfare does succeed sometimes.” (Fortunately for him this world has professional transcribers, because he definitely was saying he wanted to fight a gorilla.) And now he is popping up from behind the bush with a reasonable plan to block the legislation by proposing 450 comical amendments — four-hundred-and-fifty — that will simply be rejected, one by one, during an exhausting process that will embarrass the United States around the world and in Heaven. HAW HAW HAW. Read more on Joe Barton Hard At Work, Being An Asshole…
  today in pandering

Joe Barton Hard At Work On New Important Legislation

The AP on America’s Smartest Legislator, the Stumper: “Republican Rep. Joe Barton of Texas said Friday that efforts to tinker with the BCS are bound to fail. He told a House hearing that the BCS is like communism and can’t be fixed. Barton has introduced legislation that would prevent the NCAA from labeling a game a national championship unless it’s the outcome of a playoff system.” He agrees with Obama on this, so doesn’t that make him a communist also? [AP] Read more on Joe Barton Hard At Work On New Important Legislation…
  jesus made the dinosaurs who made the oil

Al Gore, Wingnut Lady Nearly Come To Fisticuffs

Al Gore’s on Capitol Hill today to talk about his science! So is Newt Gingrich, for no apparent reason. But back to Al Gore! Here’s Tennessee meanie Rep. Marsha Blackburn calling Al Gore an evil criminal, just looking for a profit like your average dyed-in-the-wool socialist. (?). Then he tells her, hey Marsha, don’t you even go there, Marsha. And below we have Al Gore taking question from everyone’s favorite hero, Joe Barton. Al tells Joe that sometimes the corporations tell lies. As if Joe doesn’t know. Hey John Warner’s there too! How about that. Read more on Al Gore, Wingnut Lady Nearly Come To Fisticuffs…
  moar smarts

Joe ‘Stumper’ Barton Has A New Thought About The Future, See?

Texas Rep. Joe Barton has been harnessing all of the momentum he built up the other day when he kicked the everlasting fuck out of that Chinese science fag, “Choo Choo,” with his mind powers. According to the Sierra Club hippies, Barton followed up yesterday with this uber-pwnage: “Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX) says Americans will only drive hybrids under military force: Barton not only said that hybrids don’t pay for themselves over time, which isn’t true, but he said that Americans will only drive them when forced to do so by the government, ‘backed by the army.'” It’s hilarious how close Joe Barton pushes the limit but always stops just before shouting “I LITERALLY DO WHATEVER THE OIL COMPANIES TELL ME TO DO.” And yes, the military will make us drive gay robot cars, for Gaia. [Sierra Club] Read more on Joe ‘Stumper’ Barton Has A New Thought About The Future, See?…
  ise got mor smarts then u

Dumb Congressman Brags About ‘Stumping’ Nobel-Winning Energy Secretary With Stupid Question

Here is an official clip prepared by the office of Texas Rep. Joe Barton titled, “Where Does Oil Come From? Question leaves Energy Secretary puzzled.” This title alone should tell you enough about what really happened. Read more on Dumb Congressman Brags About ‘Stumping’ Nobel-Winning Energy Secretary With Stupid Question…