Tag Archives: Joe Arpaio

  Vendetta? What Vendetta?

Of Course Joe Arpaio Sent A Private Dick After A Federal Judge’s Wife. He’s Sheriff Joe!

He IS Justice!
Here’s one way to tell that maybe your contempt of court hearing isn’t going your way: When the judge in your case asks if you hired a private investigator to look into that judge’s wife, and you have to admit that, well, yes, but only because you’re a paranoid creep who always investigates his political enemies. It’s not like Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio was singling out U.S. District Court Judge G. Murray Snow or anything. Read more on Of Course Joe Arpaio Sent A Private Dick After A Federal Judge’s Wife. He’s Sheriff Joe!…
  Cruel And Unusual Nourishment

Joe Arpaio, Pam Anderson, And PETA Walk Into A Prison Cafeteria…

I have a weakness for this stupid movie. It's a dystopian sci-fi remake of friggin' *Casablanca* for chrissake
Turns out Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and former Baywatch star Pamela Anderson have something in common besides a fondness for Barb Wire, pink underpants, and relentless attention-seeking: They both think a vegetarian diet is just peachy, especially if you can impose it on people who have absolutely no say in the matter, i.e., prisoners at the Maricopa County Jail. Read more on Joe Arpaio, Pam Anderson, And PETA Walk Into A Prison Cafeteria……
  You Come At The HENGHHHH? You Best Not Miss

John McCain Has An Announcement To Make Too, Pick Him, Pick Him!

My friends, my friends, my friends...FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN
After that thrilling speech by Rand Paul (mostly we just heard the trombone-voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown cartoons), are you Wonkers ready for some real excitement? Then you should probably go see a matinee of Furious 7, because this article is about John McCain announcing that he’ll run for a sixth term in the Senate. Wait! Come back! Maybe there’ll be sideboob in here somewhere! Like, not even gross old man sideboob, either. Read more on John McCain Has An Announcement To Make Too, Pick Him, Pick Him!…
  Just What The Doctor Ordered

Ted Nugent Unravels Veteran Suicide Epidemic: Obama Did It

Why is he flashing Muslim gang signs?
Remember how a couple months back, Congress finally accomplished something weird and passed, unanimously, the Clay Hunt Suicide Prevention for American Veterans Act — named after a veteran who killed himself in 2011 — which President Obama signed into law early in February? The bill could have passed sooner, but retiring Sen. Tom Coburn personally blocked it until he finally left the Senate at the beginning of the new congressional term. It was a rare moment of bipartisan agreement, expanding outreach, mental health services, and peer support for Iraq and Afghanistan vets suffering from PTSD, traumatic brain injuries, unemployment, and other issues that contribute to an appalling suicide rate of approximately 22 vets daily. Read more on Ted Nugent Unravels Veteran Suicide Epidemic: Obama Did It…
  A Plague O' Both Your Houses

Jeff Flake’s Dog-Suffocating Son Sues Joe Arpaio; Can We Root For Both Sides To Lose?

Please don't send me to the Bad Kennel!
Now here’s a moral quandary for you: Who are the least loathsome characters in this little drama playing out in Maricopa County, Arizona? Is it Austin and Logan Flake, who were temporarily in charge of a dog-boarding facility last summer when 21 dogs died of heat exhaustion after the air conditioning failed in a shed where the dogs were housed? Probably not! But that would leave as the least loathsome character Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, so … [BRAINS EXPLODE]. Read more on Jeff Flake’s Dog-Suffocating Son Sues Joe Arpaio; Can We Root For Both Sides To Lose?…
  We can't even count high enough

23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome

So you know how Fox News, America’s No. 1 News Source for Your Racist Uncle, got into that little dustup with Le Gay Paree over, you know, how France and England had created a bunch of Muslims-only Shariah paradises where good and decent Christian folk weren’t allowed, which, well, wasn’t compleeeeeeeetely accurate? Of course you do. Dok told you all about it, and we know that you read this mommyblog and recipe hub with the fervor of a teenage boy on Pornhub. And so you also know that the mayor of Paris is not entirely thrilled: Read more on 23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome…
  All Dogs Go To Phoenix

Arizona Senator’s Dog-Neglecting Son Goes Free For Now, Vows To Find Real Killer

Tired of stories about cops getting away with killing human beings and escaping prosecution? Here’s a story of private citizens getting away with killing 21 dogs and escaping prosecution. You’re welcome. Oh, and the private citizens happen to be the son and daughter-in-law of Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake, although only an embittered cynic would think that fact played any role in the decision to (at least temporarily) drop animal cruelty charges against Austin and Logan Flake. Read more on Arizona Senator’s Dog-Neglecting Son Goes Free For Now, Vows To Find Real Killer…
  Joe Arpaio Me Oh My Oh

America’s Toughest Sheriff And Dumbest Lawyer Team Up To Sue Obama

He IS Justice!
In what promises to be a Very Important Legal Challenge to an out of control dictator, serial publicity whore Joe Arpaio, who’d rather play Border Patrol than enforce boring laws about robbery and sexual assault and stuff, has teamed up with failed revolutionary and terrible lawyer Larry Klayman to file a lawsuit against Barack Obama and his completely unconstitutional executive order on immigration. It may very well be the nation’s last best hope at preserving liberty, unless of course it gets thrown out by some biased Jewish judge. Or a mean lady judge. Read more on America’s Toughest Sheriff And Dumbest Lawyer Team Up To Sue Obama…
  Tomorrow They're Back To Being Criminal Scum

Sheriff Joe Arpaio: Veterans Day Sadface : ( Edition

Oh, that's ... nice?
From the tweetosphere today, this puzzling image of Sheriff Joe serving cake to those who are serving time in one of his Monuments to Shame. Our only question: Is the cake made of half-spoiled bologna? Read more on Sheriff Joe Arpaio: Veterans Day Sadface : ( Edition…
  Ballot Recital

Latino Guy Delivers Absentee Ballots In Arizona. You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next.

It's almost as if he thought he wasn't breaking the law or something!
Finally, the right has incontrovertible evidence of voting fraud! Democrats say it’s rare, but here is the video that proves just how real and scary it is: “Liberal activist caught on video stuffing hundreds of ballots.” Or, from some of the more responsible rightwing sites who are pretending to hedge a little, “This Video Appears To Show A Guy Stuffing Hundreds Of Ballots Into A Ballot Box.” Read more on Latino Guy Delivers Absentee Ballots In Arizona. You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next….
  welfare kings

Arizona Republican Resigns Just For Trying To Save America With Rice And Beans And No Babies For Poors

Russell Pearce is a man with a vision. He is also a man with an AM radio show. The recalled Arizona Senate leader, architect of the “papers please” immigration law — and, until his sudden resignation late Sunday night, state GOP vice chair — recently took to the airwaves to fantasize about what it would be like if he was in charge, free to save America from the scourge of the needy with the help of home TV inspections and forced sterilizations. Read more on Arizona Republican Resigns Just For Trying To Save America With Rice And Beans And No Babies For Poors…
  From China With Love

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Allegedly Allows Chinese Hacker To Steal America’s Coolest Secrets

CRUSH
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (seen here crushing the testicles of an invisible immigrant) allegedly, we said allegedly, failed to report an alleged Chinese spy who infiltrated the Arizona Counter Terrorism [sic; seriously, Arizona, buy an AP style book] Information Center. That’s according to ProPublica and the Center for Investigative Reporting, but we heard about this through The Verge, so they get the linky. Grab a fresh cup of coffee, because this story gets deep in a hurry. Read more on Sheriff Joe Arpaio Allegedly Allows Chinese Hacker To Steal America’s Coolest Secrets…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of Tawdry Trifling Trivia

Welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we bring you a bunch of stories that didn’t quite merit their own posts but were too stupid to ignore altogether. As usual, we recommend you fortify yourself with whatever helps you get through reading it — alcohol, weed, or a +10 Potion of Protection From Idiocy. Our first story may not be the derpiest of the week, but it’s local to Yr Doktor Zoom, so deal. The Idaho Statesman reports that the Idaho Transportation Department has ordered Boise’s Woodland Empire Ale Craft to remove its sign, pictured above, because it looks too much like an official road sign. As far as we can tell, the sign has not caused any massive traffic delays, but the law’s the law, mang: “The main issue is one of Idaho Code,” department spokesman Reed Hollinshead said in an email. “Namely, you cannot imitate a highway sign or attempt to redirect the flow of traffic.” For their part, Woodland Empire owner Dusty Schmidt said that he and his partners in the microbrewery were just surprised that the state hadn’t taken action sooner against the sign, which has been up since January. He called the publicity over the sign and the order to remove it a success. The sign’s designer, Dave Cook, said in a news release, “All billboards distract drivers. Especially the good ones.” Discuss amongst yourselves: Advertising is just another form of trolling. Yr Dok Zoom drives by that place several times a week, but had somehow not noticed the sign. Guess it’s time to try the beer at least. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of Tawdry Trifling Trivia…
  Trust No One

Joe Arpaio’s Birther Investigation So Secret Not Even Joe Arpaio Knows What’s Going On

Some very exciting news for the birther conspiracy community seemed to erupt Monday afternoon, only to be snatched away immediately. For a few short hours, it appeared that Birther Hero Sheriff Joe Arpaio had confirmed that he’d assigned two full-time detectives to some aspect of the investigation of Barry Hussein Soetoro Bopshabop Peggy Fleming’s birth certificate, a claim that first surfaced last Friday in a radio interview with Lt. Mike Zullo, the head of the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office Birth Certificate Task Force. (What, your county sheriff doesn’t have an Obama Birth Certificate Task Force? Tough for you.) But then a few hours later, the MCSO issued a clarification saying, nah, mang, there aren’t any detectives doing that. Now the only question remaining is: Who did the Obamabots get to? Read more on Joe Arpaio’s Birther Investigation So Secret Not Even Joe Arpaio Knows What’s Going On…
  also circuses

Joe Arpaio Gives Flag-Murdering Prisoners Only Bread & Water, Protecting Future Of America, His Career

It’s been a little while since we last checked in with Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, America’s Most Publicized Sheriff. The Arizona hero undertook a very important program of mandatory love of country in the jail last November, playing the National Anthem every morning and “God Bless America” every night, and placing flags in every cell. And then 38 prisoners handed Joe Arpaio a beautiful re-election tool gift by obligingly responding to his forced patriotism campaign by defacing those very American flags, as of course he surely hoped they would. So now, the flag-disrespecting Bad Guys will get only bread and water for a week, to show that Sheriff Joe is Tough. “These inmates have destroyed the American flag that was placed in their cells,” Arpaio said. “Tearing them, writing on them, stepping on them, throwing them in the toilet, trash or wherever they feel. It’s a disgrace … this is government property that they are destroying, and we will take action against those who act this way.” Hell, if nobody had trashed their flags, Arpaio might have had to pay some of them to do so. Read more on Joe Arpaio Gives Flag-Murdering Prisoners Only Bread & Water, Protecting Future Of America, His Career…
  his name was robert paulson

Start Your Morning Off With Sheriff Joe In A Corset (Because We Hate You)

Yeah boy look at that this sweet piece of human rights violating ass right here. This is indeed Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio in his office just daring you to bury your head in his sweet man-mammaries. Just take a moment to gaze into the stark dichotomy between the background of the picture, with its extreme representations of power, and the foreground, where a doddering old fascist sits before you as a humiliating shell of a man. Also there’s a typewriter because apparently the kindly Sheriff of Nodueprocessham blew all of the county’s funds on arming the local Dale Gribbles and giving them free range access to your nubile children. Read more on Start Your Morning Off With Sheriff Joe In A Corset (Because We Hate You)…
  goonies never say die

Steven Seagal, American Hero, Trains Armed Vigilante Posse In Arizona

We can all learn from Steven Seagal, American hero, who just keeps giving and giving and giving and then when you think he can’t give any more, BOOM, there he is, magnanimously creating jobs for female Russian masseuses, and then POW, don’t look now, but there goes Steven Seagal, shooting at (illegal) Mexicans in Texas, and then BAM, there he is again, training an armed vigilante posse in Arizona! Steven Seagal: gift that keeps on giving. Seagal, a burly martial arts expert turned actor, guided 48 volunteers through various aspects of responding to a shooting, including room-to-room searches, and critiqued their work. “I am here to try to teach the posse firearms and martial arts to try to help them learn how to respond quicker and help protect our children,” Seagal said. Read more on Steven Seagal, American Hero, Trains Armed Vigilante Posse In Arizona…
  A small victory for America

Joe Arpaio Cancels Birtherpalooza Festival When No One Buys Tickets

Useless old spite bitch Joe Arpaio was planning a big smelly Birtherfest for September 22, but now it looks like instead of hanging out with Pat Boone (who is still alive, apparently?) and heroic order-disobeying Army doctor Terry Lakin, he will just have to spend the day doing his job as Maricopa County Sheriff instead, because the event was cancelled due to abysmal ticket sales. Read more on Joe Arpaio Cancels Birtherpalooza Festival When No One Buys Tickets…
  the sheriff always gets his man

Joe Arpaio Proves Beyond Reasonable Doubt: Barack Obama Was Never Born

We can’t believe we forgot to watch the “live stream” of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s press conference — which wasn’t on the teevee because of how the media is colluding to protect the illegal alien “president” — and he has some news! In fact, Arpaio’s “posse” of investigators into the national security threat (true quote!) that is B. Hussein are so good at their jobs, they even found the 95-year-old former state employee who signed Bamz’s birth certificate in the first place! But wait! If they found the employee who signed it coming up on 51 years ago, wouldn’t that mean it hadn’t been forged? Oh you sweet, simple thing. No. You see, “It’s the codes.” Read more on Joe Arpaio Proves Beyond Reasonable Doubt: Barack Obama Was Never Born…
  the grand canyon state of nature

Let’s Classify This AZ Secretary of State’s Birther Email Demands As ‘Comedy Gold’

Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett has been in hot pursuit of extra-double email verification from the Hawaii government of Barack Obama’s birth certificate. Bennett made a pledge to the state’s voters — no extra-double email verification, no Obama on the ballot. What’s the big deal, haters? He’s only seeking this unique extra verification because serious, trustworthy sages such as Jerome Corsi and Joe Arpaio and his 1,200 worst constituents told him it was necessary. It is his duty, to get the birth certificate. Again. For just Obama. It is not pandering, he promises. (Sadly for him, the only other explanation besides pandering would be that he’s a genuine warm-blooded idiot.) Now who wants to read his emails with Hawaii officials where he can’t offer them a valid statutory need for his request and so turns to whining instead? Oh, please let this play out for a while, please please please! Read more on Let’s Classify This AZ Secretary of State’s Birther Email Demands As ‘Comedy Gold’…
  john mccain will fix this

Obama May Not Make The Arizona Ballot For Usual Stupid Arizona Reasons

Your Wonkette is going to write a fun sentence and it is going to be true. Arizona’s Secretary of State has threatened not to put President of the United States of America Barack Obama on the ballot this fall because (a) he had a persuasive chit-chat with World Net Daily arch-grifter Jerome Corsi and (b) “he got more than 1,200 emails” demanding he look into the president’s birth certificate after Joe Arpaio’s “investigation” came out. This is the current power system in Arizona, folks. This is how things are done now. We’re tempted to declare the devolution complete and finally throw that big State of Nature parade in the blood-soaked hellscape streets of outer Phoenix, but maybe it’s too soon. They’ll do something dumber, eventually. They always do. Christ, Arizona. Stop hitting yourself. Read more on Obama May Not Make The Arizona Ballot For Usual Stupid Arizona Reasons…
  boooooooo

You Don’t Gotta Tell Joe Arpaio About (Debunked) Literary Agent’s ‘Kenya’ Brochure, He’s Got This

Ghost Andrew Breitbart must be spinning in hell. He told these idiots that the “birther” stuff was “not a winning issue,” and what did these fuckwads at his ghost web empire do? They ran a total birther story with a long embarrassed introduction explaining that they weren’t birthers per se — um, let’s see — it’s about how Obama has portrayed himself differently at different times of his life. Almost as if, when he was a college student, he did not portray himself as president of the United States, and vice versa. It is very fishy how he has done that indeed! But uh oh! Within hours of posting their best VETTENING yet, a PDF of a Bammerz’s publishing company brochure SAYING HE WAS BORN IN KENYA, it turned out that some lady who was an assistant at the literary agency at the time (’91) said it was all her fault, sloppy fact-checking oopsie! An editorial assistant doing sloppy fact-checking? THE FUCK YOU SAY. As a Breitbart follow-up notes, though, Bamz’s erstwhile literary agent requests that you email her a biography you wrote about yourself, as would also obviously have been the case in 1991 as well, when nobody had email. How’d you get to this supposed “assistant,” Nobama? Which of your SEIU thugz did you send over threatening MURDER? Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who was recently sued by the Feds for being too awesome, would like to know! WND (because who else?) has the scoop! Read more on You Don’t Gotta Tell Joe Arpaio About (Debunked) Literary Agent’s ‘Kenya’ Brochure, He’s Got This…