Tag Archives: Joe Arpaio

  Just Say Neigh

Man Nabbed In Horsef*cking Sting, Not Even From Florida

Ick yuck eww gross no.
You may want to have some brain bleach on hand for this one. A gentleman from Pennsylvania flew to Arizona for the specific purpose of doing sex to a horse (variously described as a “pony” or a “miniature horse”; we’re guessing the latter, but who knows?), only to find that the whole affair was a sting by the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office, which sort of makes you wonder just what the fuck Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s priorities are. Isn’t he supposed to be pursuing the universe-shattering proof that Barack Obama’s an illegal alien? Even so, far be it from Wonkette to pass up any story that involves the irresistible elements of “Joe Arpaio” and “horsefucking.” We’ve covered both in the past, but this is the first known time the streams have crossed, which could, in itself, be universe-shattering. Read more on Man Nabbed In Horsef*cking Sting, Not Even From Florida…
  No Worries; He's Only Racist Against Mexicans

Joe Arpaio Happy To Guard Black Churches, Whether They Want Him Or Not

Totally an act of kindness, not publicity seeking
Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, never one to let a good tragedy go to waste, stepped up in front of cameras this weekend and vowed to send armed patrols to guard black churches, although a number of Phoenix-area ministers protested the offer of “help” from a man who’s being prosecuted for contempt of court in a racial profiling case. Read more on Joe Arpaio Happy To Guard Black Churches, Whether They Want Him Or Not…
  Arpaio In Your Face

Kickstarter For Joe Arpaio To Crush His Enemies Like Cockroaches They Are

Guy needs a monocle and a Persian cat
The last time we checked in on Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, he was having a terrible horrible no-good very bad day: He was facing a contempt of court charge for ignoring federal court orders telling him to stop racial profiling, and the judge in his case wasn’t very happy with him because Arpaio had sent a private investigator after the judge’s wife. But now Sheriff Joe is fighting back! He’s sent out an email appealing for help from patriotic conservaloons all over the nation, and he’s also asking for a new judge in his contempt case, because obviously that guy whose wife he investigated is biased. Yes, that’s the sort of logic that makes Joe Arpaio Joe Arpaio. Read more on Kickstarter For Joe Arpaio To Crush His Enemies Like Cockroaches They Are…
  Vendetta? What Vendetta?

Of Course Joe Arpaio Sent A Private Dick After A Federal Judge’s Wife. He’s Sheriff Joe!

He IS Justice!
Here’s one way to tell that maybe your contempt of court hearing isn’t going your way: When the judge in your case asks if you hired a private investigator to look into that judge’s wife, and you have to admit that, well, yes, but only because you’re a paranoid creep who always investigates his political enemies. It’s not like Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio was singling out U.S. District Court Judge G. Murray Snow or anything. Read more on Of Course Joe Arpaio Sent A Private Dick After A Federal Judge’s Wife. He’s Sheriff Joe!…
  Cruel And Unusual Nourishment

Joe Arpaio, Pam Anderson, And PETA Walk Into A Prison Cafeteria…

I have a weakness for this stupid movie. It's a dystopian sci-fi remake of friggin' *Casablanca* for chrissake
Turns out Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and former Baywatch star Pamela Anderson have something in common besides a fondness for Barb Wire, pink underpants, and relentless attention-seeking: They both think a vegetarian diet is just peachy, especially if you can impose it on people who have absolutely no say in the matter, i.e., prisoners at the Maricopa County Jail. Read more on Joe Arpaio, Pam Anderson, And PETA Walk Into A Prison Cafeteria……
  You Come At The HENGHHHH? You Best Not Miss

John McCain Has An Announcement To Make Too, Pick Him, Pick Him!

My friends, my friends, my friends...FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN
After that thrilling speech by Rand Paul (mostly we just heard the trombone-voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown cartoons), are you Wonkers ready for some real excitement? Then you should probably go see a matinee of Furious 7, because this article is about John McCain announcing that he’ll run for a sixth term in the Senate. Wait! Come back! Maybe there’ll be sideboob in here somewhere! Like, not even gross old man sideboob, either. Read more on John McCain Has An Announcement To Make Too, Pick Him, Pick Him!…
  Just What The Doctor Ordered

Ted Nugent Unravels Veteran Suicide Epidemic: Obama Did It

Why is he flashing Muslim gang signs?
Remember how a couple months back, Congress finally accomplished something weird and passed, unanimously, the Clay Hunt Suicide Prevention for American Veterans Act — named after a veteran who killed himself in 2011 — which President Obama signed into law early in February? The bill could have passed sooner, but retiring Sen. Tom Coburn personally blocked it until he finally left the Senate at the beginning of the new congressional term. It was a rare moment of bipartisan agreement, expanding outreach, mental health services, and peer support for Iraq and Afghanistan vets suffering from PTSD, traumatic brain injuries, unemployment, and other issues that contribute to an appalling suicide rate of approximately 22 vets daily. Read more on Ted Nugent Unravels Veteran Suicide Epidemic: Obama Did It…
  A Plague O' Both Your Houses

Jeff Flake’s Dog-Suffocating Son Sues Joe Arpaio; Can We Root For Both Sides To Lose?

Please don't send me to the Bad Kennel!
Now here’s a moral quandary for you: Who are the least loathsome characters in this little drama playing out in Maricopa County, Arizona? Is it Austin and Logan Flake, who were temporarily in charge of a dog-boarding facility last summer when 21 dogs died of heat exhaustion after the air conditioning failed in a shed where the dogs were housed? Probably not! But that would leave as the least loathsome character Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, so … [BRAINS EXPLODE]. Read more on Jeff Flake’s Dog-Suffocating Son Sues Joe Arpaio; Can We Root For Both Sides To Lose?…
  We can't even count high enough

23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome

So you know how Fox News, America’s No. 1 News Source for Your Racist Uncle, got into that little dustup with Le Gay Paree over, you know, how France and England had created a bunch of Muslims-only Shariah paradises where good and decent Christian folk weren’t allowed, which, well, wasn’t compleeeeeeeetely accurate? Of course you do. Dok told you all about it, and we know that you read this mommyblog and recipe hub with the fervor of a teenage boy on Pornhub. And so you also know that the mayor of Paris is not entirely thrilled: Read more on 23 Times Fox News Sh*t The Bed, You Are Welcome…
  All Dogs Go To Phoenix

Arizona Senator’s Dog-Neglecting Son Goes Free For Now, Vows To Find Real Killer

Tired of stories about cops getting away with killing human beings and escaping prosecution? Here’s a story of private citizens getting away with killing 21 dogs and escaping prosecution. You’re welcome. Oh, and the private citizens happen to be the son and daughter-in-law of Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake, although only an embittered cynic would think that fact played any role in the decision to (at least temporarily) drop animal cruelty charges against Austin and Logan Flake. Read more on Arizona Senator’s Dog-Neglecting Son Goes Free For Now, Vows To Find Real Killer…
  Joe Arpaio Me Oh My Oh

America’s Toughest Sheriff And Dumbest Lawyer Team Up To Sue Obama

He IS Justice!
In what promises to be a Very Important Legal Challenge to an out of control dictator, serial publicity whore Joe Arpaio, who’d rather play Border Patrol than enforce boring laws about robbery and sexual assault and stuff, has teamed up with failed revolutionary and terrible lawyer Larry Klayman to file a lawsuit against Barack Obama and his completely unconstitutional executive order on immigration. It may very well be the nation’s last best hope at preserving liberty, unless of course it gets thrown out by some biased Jewish judge. Or a mean lady judge. Read more on America’s Toughest Sheriff And Dumbest Lawyer Team Up To Sue Obama…
  Tomorrow They're Back To Being Criminal Scum

Sheriff Joe Arpaio: Veterans Day Sadface : ( Edition

Oh, that's ... nice?
From the tweetosphere today, this puzzling image of Sheriff Joe serving cake to those who are serving time in one of his Monuments to Shame. Our only question: Is the cake made of half-spoiled bologna? Read more on Sheriff Joe Arpaio: Veterans Day Sadface : ( Edition…
  Ballot Recital

Latino Guy Delivers Absentee Ballots In Arizona. You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next.

It's almost as if he thought he wasn't breaking the law or something!
Finally, the right has incontrovertible evidence of voting fraud! Democrats say it’s rare, but here is the video that proves just how real and scary it is: “Liberal activist caught on video stuffing hundreds of ballots.” Or, from some of the more responsible rightwing sites who are pretending to hedge a little, “This Video Appears To Show A Guy Stuffing Hundreds Of Ballots Into A Ballot Box.” Read more on Latino Guy Delivers Absentee Ballots In Arizona. You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next….
  welfare kings

Arizona Republican Resigns Just For Trying To Save America With Rice And Beans And No Babies For Poors

Russell Pearce is a man with a vision. He is also a man with an AM radio show. The recalled Arizona Senate leader, architect of the “papers please” immigration law — and, until his sudden resignation late Sunday night, state GOP vice chair — recently took to the airwaves to fantasize about what it would be like if he was in charge, free to save America from the scourge of the needy with the help of home TV inspections and forced sterilizations. Read more on Arizona Republican Resigns Just For Trying To Save America With Rice And Beans And No Babies For Poors…
  From China With Love

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Allegedly Allows Chinese Hacker To Steal America’s Coolest Secrets

CRUSH
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (seen here crushing the testicles of an invisible immigrant) allegedly, we said allegedly, failed to report an alleged Chinese spy who infiltrated the Arizona Counter Terrorism [sic; seriously, Arizona, buy an AP style book] Information Center. That’s according to ProPublica and the Center for Investigative Reporting, but we heard about this through The Verge, so they get the linky. Grab a fresh cup of coffee, because this story gets deep in a hurry. Read more on Sheriff Joe Arpaio Allegedly Allows Chinese Hacker To Steal America’s Coolest Secrets…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of Tawdry Trifling Trivia

Welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we bring you a bunch of stories that didn’t quite merit their own posts but were too stupid to ignore altogether. As usual, we recommend you fortify yourself with whatever helps you get through reading it — alcohol, weed, or a +10 Potion of Protection From Idiocy. Our first story may not be the derpiest of the week, but it’s local to Yr Doktor Zoom, so deal. The Idaho Statesman reports that the Idaho Transportation Department has ordered Boise’s Woodland Empire Ale Craft to remove its sign, pictured above, because it looks too much like an official road sign. As far as we can tell, the sign has not caused any massive traffic delays, but the law’s the law, mang: “The main issue is one of Idaho Code,” department spokesman Reed Hollinshead said in an email. “Namely, you cannot imitate a highway sign or attempt to redirect the flow of traffic.” For their part, Woodland Empire owner Dusty Schmidt said that he and his partners in the microbrewery were just surprised that the state hadn’t taken action sooner against the sign, which has been up since January. He called the publicity over the sign and the order to remove it a success. The sign’s designer, Dave Cook, said in a news release, “All billboards distract drivers. Especially the good ones.” Discuss amongst yourselves: Advertising is just another form of trolling. Yr Dok Zoom drives by that place several times a week, but had somehow not noticed the sign. Guess it’s time to try the beer at least. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of Tawdry Trifling Trivia…