Tag Archives: jimmy carter

  winner winner chicken dinner

We Suck At Judging Caption Contests Like You People Suck At Writing Them

Seriously, you people
Hey, Wonkaloos, after much time and consideration, and the realization that we had to actually go back and read the damned things, we have selected a winner for your Presidents Day Caption Contest, which we figured you might suck at, and by god, you lived up to our expectations! The first prize should be two tickets to 50 Shades of Grey, but not even we are that cruel. But here is Your First Prize Winner, by Blank Ron: Read more on We Suck At Judging Caption Contests Like You People Suck At Writing Them…
  There probably won't be any winners

Here Is Your Presidents Day Caption Contest, For You To Suck At

Seriously, you people
OK, people, you know how this works. Here is a photograph. (Look up, dummies.) You will attempt to write a caption for it in the comments, which we do not allow. You will probably suck at it, because whenever we give you fun photos to caption, you write the worst goddamned captions imaginable, we would fire all of you if we could, sheesh. And no, we do not understand what your problem is, you are so funny all the other times in the comments, which we do not allow. Why else do you think we keep you around? Read more on Here Is Your Presidents Day Caption Contest, For You To Suck At…
  Just Remember You're A Living Organism On This Planet And You're Safe

Here Is A Jimmy Carter Caption Contest, For Your Weekend Amusement!

Preemptive Reference: 'Sounds like you've got yourself some Orange Sunshine'
Historian Michael Beschloss tweeted this awesome picture of James Earl Carter wearing an Allman Brothers T-Shirt while campaigning in 1976, and Twitter smart person Seth Cansler Clark summed up its content quite succinctly: “GEORGIA AS HELL!” Read more on Here Is A Jimmy Carter Caption Contest, For Your Weekend Amusement!…
  Jimmy Build World

Jimmy Carter Built That

This looks a lot like 'puttering'
We have some Nice Time for you, and it is Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter building more houses for more people, as they do. This Habitat for Humanity house is in Fort Worth, Texas, one of over a hundred homes in the Dallas-Fort Worth area that Habitat is building or repairing in a manic burst of barn-raising this week. Read more on Jimmy Carter Built That…
  Baby It's Warm Outside

Mean Jimmy Carter Calls Climate Deniers ‘Nutcases,’ Ruining Chances Of Amicable Compromise

If gloabal warming is real, why did he wear a sweater???
Former President and solar water heater aficionado Jimmy Carter went to Aspen, Colorado, this week to accept a lifetime achievement award at the “American Renewable Energy Day summit.” (If he flew there in an airplane, be sure to call him a hypocrite.) There he said people who deny global warming are “nutcases,” prompting howls of outrage on the Right, we figure — they’re always howling and outraged, after all. Oh, yes, just checked Twitchy, and all nine of the fulltime staff were indeed very, very sad at the unfortunate tone taken by the former President. Read more on Mean Jimmy Carter Calls Climate Deniers ‘Nutcases,’ Ruining Chances Of Amicable Compromise…
  the old man loves my ass

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks Where Mistakes Were Made

This week we’ll start wrapping up the Glorious Reagan Years, in which the Gipper personally defeated Communism almost everywhere by Standing Tall and being the manliest. And for a change, on the topic of Afghanistan at least, it’s our 11/12th-grade history textbook from Bob Jones University Press, United States History for Christian Schools (2002), that manages to tell bigger lies than our text for 8th graders, America: Land I Love (A Beka, 2006). Way to go Bob Jones U! We knew you could do it! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks Where Mistakes Were Made…
  Let God Sort 'em Out

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Books That Begin Bombing In Five Minutes

Our Celebration of All Things Reagan continues this week with a look at some of the Gipper’s flawless successes in foreign policy, as explained in a couple of popular history books for the private Christian school market. It was a time when America rode tall in the saddle again, and everyone loved and respected us again. And if they didn’t, they’d get Rambo’d! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Books That Begin Bombing In Five Minutes…
  the first thing i want to say is 'mandate my ass'

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Texts That Will Win One For The Gipper

As we saw last week, America in the late 1970s was in quite the fix, and what we really needed was for a man on a white horse to come and save America at the last moment. Someone always comes to save America at the last moment. And as today’s soundtrack reminds us, when America found itself having a hard time facing the future, we looked for people like John Wayne. But since John Wayne was no longer available, we settled for Ronald Reagan. This week, our history textbooks for the Christian school market tell us all about the glories of that wonderful presidency, when we looked back to an age when movies were in black and white, and so was everything else. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Texts That Will Win One For The Gipper…
  suck it reagan

Obama Desecrates Reagan’s Adulthood Home With Solar Panels Because He Is A Dumb Hippie

So we all know that President B. Barry Bamz hates St. Ronald Reagan, right? It is clear, established fact that everything Nobummer does is directly related to desecrating the memory of Reagan’s lifetime of achievements. Remember when Obama was going to tear down Reagan’s childhood home using only his testicles as wrecking balls? Well apparently desecrating Reagan’s childhood home was not enough, and Obama has to go and try to wreck Reagan’s adulthood home, per WaPo: The White House has completed installing solar panels on the First Family’s residence, a process it started back in 2010. Next thing you know, he will acknowledge the existence of AIDS or something!  Read more on Obama Desecrates Reagan’s Adulthood Home With Solar Panels Because He Is A Dumb Hippie…
  old mother reagan

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks On The Advent Of Saint Reagan

Congratulations, America! After 400 years of divine guidance, we’ve finally gotten to the President that God wanted the most, Ronald Wilson Reagan (genuflection optional). Both of our textbooks for the Christian school market just love the heck out of him, of course, because he made America Great Again… or at least made us feel Great Again, which is every bit as important. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks On The Advent Of Saint Reagan…
  worst omission: neither book mentions disco

Sundays With The Christianists: Ineffectual American History Textbooks That Meant Well

Never mind the post-2000 copyright dates on our two U.S. history textbooks aimed at the rightwing Christian school and homeschool market. The most important thing you need to know about them is that they are very much products of the explosion of Christian Right publishing that arose while Ronald Reagan was president and the Moral Majority was still a going concern. It shows, especially in the books’ discussion of the weakest, most pathetic President of the United States, or indeed any president in the universe, James Earl Carter. Reading these books, you almost get the feeling that they’re still trying to get Reagan elected. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Ineffectual American History Textbooks That Meant Well…
  nice time!

Let’s All Watch Jimmy Carter Tell Us We Are Sexist And Racist (Video)

Jimmy Carter, he’s this guy. Used to be president of this here America. At 89, he still trots around the world ensuring fair elections, building houses for poor people, and telling everyone to cut the racist and sexist shit. Jimmy Carter is a little bit of the greatest. Last night, the director of the Lyndon Johnson Library interviewed Jimmy Carter for an hour in advance of the fiftieth anniversary of the Civil Rights Act this week. (Lyndon Johnson, he was this guy. Did some Civil Rightsy stuff and murdered the Congress whenever they looked at him cross-eyed. May have maybe done some #war.) The interview, excerpted by the Austin American Statesman, is below, and it’s marvelous. Did you know Jimmy Carter was born a poor black child in Mississippi? That is pretty much why he is the only un-racist American. (Yes, you’re racist. Unless you are Jimmy Carter reading this, in which case hiiiiiiii Jimmy Carter! Hiiiiii.) Read more on Let’s All Watch Jimmy Carter Tell Us We Are Sexist And Racist (Video)…
  clipbait

Watch Jimmy Carter Take This Whippersnapper Stephen Colbert To School (Video)

Let’s just get it out there: We just love Jimmy Carter, and we’d watch him on the Morning Farm Report. Put him across a table from Stephen Colbert, and we are there — or our DVR is. He’s having fun, and has obviously done his homework: he’s perfectly ready for the back-and forth with Colbert. If it’s a little short on life-changing epiphanies (and why are you looking for life-changing epiphanies on late-night basic cable anyway?), it’s a lot of fun to watch Jimmy play with the Colbert Persona. Carter has been making the talk show rounds to flog his new book, A Call to Action: Women, Religion, Violence, and Power, which gives him the chance to cut off Colbert with a lovely correction: Read more on Watch Jimmy Carter Take This Whippersnapper Stephen Colbert To School (Video)…
  give her her propers

Put On A Fancy Hat And Sing ‘America’ For Aretha Franklin’s Birthday

What can we say about Aretha Franklin? It’s her birthday! Queen of Soul! We can tell you that if you don’t already own a heaping helping of her records, you should clicky clicky on over to Amazon and pick up Rhino’s fantastic box set, The Queen of Soul which has five CDs of Aretha goodness for a whopping $29. Read more on Put On A Fancy Hat And Sing ‘America’ For Aretha Franklin’s Birthday…
  making a note here: huge success!

Donald Trump Kills Jimmy Carter

Donald Trump, always good for a laugh, arrived at CPAC today ready to be as impressive as ever. Consider this on-the-spot report from Huffpo’s Sam Stein: Trump just rolled in w/ about 12 security guards. “Any thoughts on Ukraine?” I asked. “I am,” he said. “What?” I asked. He walked on The man is like a haiku. Maybe he was just taking John McCain literally about that “We are all Ukraine” stuff. I am Ukraine: and so can you. And then things got weirder when Trump took the stage and killed Jimmy Carter dead. Read more on Donald Trump Kills Jimmy Carter…
  wonkette regrets the error jk yolo lol

Comedy Of Errors Of Comedy: Wonkette’s Most Lamentable Mistakes Of 2013

In this New Media hellscape, the news comes at you fast and furious. Though we probably try our best, in our mad rush to write a dozen gross jokes about Sarah Palin’s latest bedshitting incident and hit “publish” before everyone has moved on to the next stupid thing, we occasionally get something wrong. Yes, “occasionally,” shut up. Here is your 2013 reminder that you should not believe a single word we say. Read more on Comedy Of Errors Of Comedy: Wonkette’s Most Lamentable Mistakes Of 2013…
  keeping up with our globe-trotting 39th president

South African President’s Failures On AIDS Nearly Drove Jimmy Carter To Manly Dudgeon, Fisticuffs

Hey, what’s up with former President Jimmy Carter today? Pretty much the usual — talking about punching out foreign leaders and crediting Harry S Truman for curing him of racism. On the foreign-leader-smackdown front, Carter told the Johnannesburg Sunday Times that he was so angry with former South African president Thabo Mbeki’s denial of the link between HIV and AIDS that Read more on South African President’s Failures On AIDS Nearly Drove Jimmy Carter To Manly Dudgeon, Fisticuffs…
  we've always not been at war with anyone

Angry Town Hall Mob Explains To John McCain That Doing Nothing In Syria Is The New Doing Something In Syria

Poor old really old John McCain. Lately, he has been flinging himself at all possible Syria options so that he can later decide what to do based on a complicated metric of whining and hostility over not winning in 2008. Johnny Boy has made the mistake of looking like he might semi-sorta like to bomb Syria, which means he might semi-sorta agree with Bamz about something (haha that is not true but we needed a whole post to explain John McCain’s ever shifting catalog of hates). No matter what, the 1000-year-old people in his district are SO MAD: Read more on Angry Town Hall Mob Explains To John McCain That Doing Nothing In Syria Is The New Doing Something In Syria…
  democracy is for suckers

Jimmy Carter Says NSA Surveillance Has Killed Democracy; Didn’t Notice Other Suspects Holding Bloody Axes (Updated)

Jimmy Carter, your Wonkette’s favorite elder statesman, caused a bit of a kerfuffle with statements made at a closed-door event in Atlanta for an Atlantic Bridge meeting:  “Amerika hat derzeit keine funktionierende Demokratie”, sagte Carter am Dienstag bei einer Veranstaltung der “Atlantik-Brücke” in Atlanta. No, the kerfuffle was not caused by Jimmy Carter speaking German at the Atlantic Bridge meeting; it is in German because no American press outlets showed up to cover the event. The kerfuffle resulted from the English translation of Der Spiegel‘s German translation of Jimmy Carter’s speech, as well as the context within which it was said. From HuffPo: Former President Jimmy Carter announced support for NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden this week, saying that his uncovering of the agency’s massive surveillance programs had proven “beneficial” … “America does not have a functioning democracy at this point in time,” Carter said, according to a translation by Inquisitr. UPDATED BELOW: Would you believe Jimmy Carter’s cool grandson, JE Carter IV, says nuh uh, never happened? Read more on Jimmy Carter Says NSA Surveillance Has Killed Democracy; Didn’t Notice Other Suspects Holding Bloody Axes (Updated)…
  #humblebrag

Jimmy Carter Explains All The Awesome Things George W. Bush Did, After Jimmy Carter Asked Him To

First things first: Jimmy Carter is 88 years old. So who was the energetic youngster who just STOLED GEORGE W. BUSH’S LIBERRY CEREMONY? So Jimmy Carter* got up to make a nice speech about George W. Bush, because “civility.” He opened with fond memories of the stolen election of 2000, during which the crowd was clearly waiting for something awful to fall out of his mouth, but instead he just used the anecdote to explain that everything good that George W. Bush ever did** was because Jimmy Carter asked him to. JIMMEH! Read more on Jimmy Carter Explains All The Awesome Things George W. Bush Did, After Jimmy Carter Asked Him To…
  dead presidents for not-yet dead presidents

Daily Caller Scoop: Why Are We Paying Literally Hundreds Of Dollars For Bill Clinton’s Soft-Core Porn?

We have rather mixed feelings about this Daily Caller story here. On the one hand, it’s actually doing some interesting journamalism stuff, using a Freedom of Information Act request to examine how former presidents spend some of the money that goes to former Presidents of the United States — a total of $3.7 million in 2011 for the four living former Presidents (not including the cost of Secret Service protection). It’s a creative use of FOIA, and could have been maybe sort of interesting, but instead veers off into inane nitpicking over the details of programming options on the satellite TV services in Bill Clinton’s office suite, informing us that Clinton used some of his ex-president bennies to wire at least 10 televisions in his offices to a premium suite of content from DirecTV, according to a February 2011 statement. That year, taxpayers spent $184.26 a month for Clinton’s DVR service, 145 “Office Choice” channels and 32 high-definition “Entertainment Unlimited” channels. They even include a picture of that monthly DirecTV bill. And do you know what’s included in that package? All the premium movie channels, like HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax. Yes, Cinemax. The Daily Caller soberly reminds us that Late at night, the premium channel earns its “Skinemax” nickname with a turn toward adult programming, offering shows titles like “Busty Coeds Vs. Lusty Cheerleaders,” “Sex Games Cancun 01: Last Temptation of Hank” and “Hotel Erotica Feature 05: Bedroom Fantasies 2.” Why are hardworking American taxpayers of US America paying for Bill Clinton to subscribe to a channel that shows softcore porns long after everyone has left the building for the day???? Ladies and gentlemen, this is SRS BUSNS! Read more on Daily Caller Scoop: Why Are We Paying Literally Hundreds Of Dollars For Bill Clinton’s Soft-Core Porn?…
  legalize it

Jimmy Carter Continues To Be Most Awesome Living Ex-President

All y’all with your Bubba hard-ons can leave right now until the next post comes on. Official Wonkette Editorial Policy proclaims Jimmy Carter the bitchinest, raddest, most fuckin’ greatest of all living ex-presidents and probably the dead ones too. Former President Jimmy Carter said that he favored legalizing marijuana during a panel discussion broadcast on CNN Tuesday. “I’m in favor of it. I think it’s OK,” Carter said at the forum, which was taped Friday. “I don’t think it’s going to happen in Georgia yet, but I think we can watch and see what happens in the state of Washington, for instance around Seattle, and let the American government and let the American people see does it cause a serious problem or not.” Read more on Jimmy Carter Continues To Be Most Awesome Living Ex-President…