Tag: jimmy carter

LOL Hillary Clinton Might Win South Carolina

This is getting REALLY fun, y'all.

Fox News Dingbats Help Eric Trump Defend His Daddy’s Dumbass Brexit Comments

Can you believe the mean media made fun of Donald Trump for being on a golf course?
Guys with beards this epic are either brilliant or fucking nuts

Arkansas Gentleman In Jail Just For Loving Bible Too Much, Threatening To Kill Seven Mayors

Guy who threatened seven mayors insisted that learning the 10 Commandments along with his ABCs made him the man he is today. Hmm.

RIP Ted Cruz, For Now You Are Dead. A Wonkette Post-Mortem!

Did you guys hear the news? NO, Ted Cruz did not die in a fire made out of dildos soaked with the blood of the risen Christ, why would you think that?! But you probably DID hear that Ted...

Dear God, Chris Christie, What’s Become Of You?

So, what did everybody do last night? Did you make history by being some sort of lady girl Vagina-American who won Super Tuesday? Did you give a speech at the Mar-a-Lago resort about how your name is Donald J. Trump...
NOPE!

Ted Cruz’s Final Message To Iowa: I Hate You As Much As Everybody Hates Me

Everyone, get ready to make your surprise faces, because Ted Cruz did something assholish. WE KNOW, we didn't believe it either for a second! There are reports coming out of Iowa about a rudely misleading mailer sent by the...
That thing will never fly. Center of gravity is all out of whack.

Everything You Need To Know About Iowa’s Hot Throbbing Caucus: A Wonksplainer

After all the campaigning and stump speeches and far fewer corndog-eating photos than we would have hoped for, the Big Day is finally here: Happy Birthday, Pauly Shore! Also, it's the Iowa Caucus, a mysterious ritual that nobody cared...

Of Course Ted Cruz Is THAT Guy Who Will Spoil Star Wars

Before we properly begin Ted Cruz Is A Half-Witted Lick-Knob: Episode MXVIII, let us assure you that we are not that guy. This is a safe space for you to read about what a dick Ted Cruz is, without any risk that we might cram...
Speaking of 'pinched, mean, evil faces'...

Syrian Refugees Won’t Be Eatin’ Georgia’s Food Stamp Lobster And Filet Mignon Steaks

Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal is a Christian. He loves the Bible so much, he made sure cabins in state campgrounds were equipped with copies of the Good Book. But he's apparently pretty easygoing about actually following some of Christ's...

Jimmy Carter Ditches Dumb Cancer, Will Live Forever Now

Best Former President Ever James Earl Carter had a nice surprise for his weekly Sunday School class at Maranatha Baptist Church in Plains, Georgia: "He said he got a scan this week and the cancer was gone,” Jill Stuckey...

Jimmy Carter Caught Lusting For His Wife On Base-Ball Kiss Time Camera

Remember that time Al Gore mouth-raped his poor wife and gave her a tonsillectomy, with his big ol' tongue, on national television? That was gross! But here is the opposite of that, with Gentleman Jimmeh, your 39th president, Mr....
America needs him.

Chris Christie: I Too Can Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter

Keeping his campaign promise "to start offending people" -- and trying to prove that he is the rightful heir to the title of Biggest A-Hole Republican Candidate, for the party's voters desperately seeking the very biggest A-hole they can find -- Gov. Chris...
Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won't be there. OR WILL SHE?

Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Hey Wonkers! We had a big week! Did YOU have a big week in your job? Just kidding, this post is not about you. Did you hear the big news about how Editrix Becca invested in a Winnebago for the...
Not nearly as stupid as everything he says

Ted Cruz Chooses Perfect Day To Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter

Sen. Ted Cruz, displaying the warmth and basic decency that have made him a legend among near-human beings, chose the day after former President Jimmy Carter announced that he has brain cancer to natter on about how terrible a...

Watch Jimmy Carter Laugh At His Cancer, Smileyface Emoticon Here

Our beloved former president Jimmy Carter -- if you're not from around these parts, no, we're not joking, dick -- promised to update us on the cancer doctors found in his liver, and this morning, update us he did....
Wonkette baby has formed opinions.

Crunchy Cooters, White Supremacists And Megyn Kelly. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and it is also August, which means the news is WEIRD and all the journalists who write the important stories about why everything is the Holocaust are on vacation, which means your top ten stories...