Tag Archives: jimmy carter

  Me too!

Chris Christie: I Too Can Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter

America needs him.
Will this help? Keeping his campaign promise “to start offending people” — and trying to prove that he is the rightful heir to the title of Biggest A-Hole Republican Candidate, for the party’s voters desperately seeking the very biggest A-hole they can find — Gov. Chris Christie decided this weekend that he wasn’t going to allow primary rival Ted Cruz to make off with the Dick o’ the Week Award without a fight: Read more on Chris Christie: I Too Can Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won't be there. OR WILL SHE?
Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won’t be there. OR WILL SHE? Hey Wonkers! We had a big week! Did YOU have a big week in your job? Just kidding, this post is not about you. Did you hear the big news about how Editrix Becca invested in a Winnebago for the Wonkette, so we can do onsite “journalism” at the Iowa caucuses and the Republican convention and wherever else news is happening? Or wherever else we decide to do drinky things. We are going to do ALL the activities, and you should be very excited. Read more on Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  He Makes Us Mad. He makes Us Mean Mad

Ted Cruz Chooses Perfect Day To Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter

English lacks sufficient invective for this man
English lacks sufficient invective for this smug excuse for a human being. Sen. Ted Cruz, displaying the warmth and basic decency that have made him a legend among near-human beings, chose the day after former President Jimmy Carter announced that he has brain cancer to natter on about how terrible a president Carter was, but at least the man only had a single term before Ronald Reagan Saved America. Read more on Ted Cruz Chooses Perfect Day To Be A Dick To Jimmy Carter…
  just mellow out the best you can okay?

Watch Jimmy Carter Laugh At His Cancer, Smileyface Emoticon Here

Our beloved former president Jimmy Carter — if you’re not from around these parts, no, we’re not joking, dick — promised to update us on the cancer doctors found in his liver, and this morning, update us he did. Melanoma has spread to his brain, and he begins chemotherapy immediately. Will that stop him from do-gooding and making America proud? Eh, probably not. He may “step back” from his duties at the Carter Center, the 90-year-old said, and do just light work like personally signing all the letters in the world and solving Iran probably too. He’s not sure how he’ll be feeling. Most importantly, he’s a living organism on this earth, and he’s very, very safe (in Jesus). Read more on Watch Jimmy Carter Laugh At His Cancer, Smileyface Emoticon Here…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Crunchy Cooters, White Supremacists And Megyn Kelly. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Wonkette baby has formed opinions.
Wonkette baby has formed opinions. Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and it is also August, which means the news is WEIRD and all the journalists who write the important stories about why everything is the Holocaust are on vacation, which means your top ten stories are ALL OVER THE PLACE. And only ONE of them is remotely related to Donald Trump, aren’t you happy? Moreover, only ONE of them is about candidates in the 2016 Republican primary. Because really, fuck all those nerds. Read more on Crunchy Cooters, White Supremacists And Megyn Kelly. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Money money money

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?

PAY UP. Welcome back, sinners. It’s time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin! We would like to take this time to remind our readers that unless you’ve paid your monthly $7.99 readers’ fee, in addition to keeping up on your annual $150 membership fee to our 2 Smart 4 Scammers Club, and thrown in a couple extra bucks towards Donna Rose’s college fund while you’re at it, you are forbidden to read this week’s edition of the Snake Oil Bulletin. We tried to erect a paywall like some sort of real newspaper, but we can’t afford to build that paywall unless you pay us the money to keep you away from our content! Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?…
  JIMMEH!

Raise Your Glasses High For Jimmy Carter, Wonkers, May He Live Forever

Trouble No More Jimmy Carter has liver cancer. Jimmy Carter is 90 years old. Jimmy Carter is one of the great Americans, if you count a globetrotting sense of adventure coupled with near-constant service to his nation and our earth. And he is fer fucking sure the greatest ex-president alive today. Read more on Raise Your Glasses High For Jimmy Carter, Wonkers, May He Live Forever…
  What Good Is A Deal That Won't Let Us Bomb Iran?

Scott Walker Joins The ‘Tough On Iran Like Reagan Was’ Club

In 1980 and 1984, especially. By landslides, even.
Scott Walker is a man who knows what he believes in, even if some of it is kind of weird, like how he can beat ISIS because he told public employee unions to go get bent. And his foreign policy hero is the great Ronald Reagan, who didn’t let foreign enemies like air traffic controller unions boss him around. So it shouldn’t be too surprising that in his announcement speech, Scott Walker explained we can never have a nuclear deal with Iran, because under Jimmy Carter, Iran took 52 Americans hostages, and only freed them on Ronald Reagan’s first day in office. Read more on Scott Walker Joins The ‘Tough On Iran Like Reagan Was’ Club…
  Threesomes are cool too

Jimmy Carter Says Gay Boning Is Just All Right With Jesus

Fireside chat with Jesus about sex-type things.
Hurray, President Jimmy Carter, that commu-sexual Marxo-lesbian oldster who used to be president, and who is famously involved with the Southern Baptist church, even if he’s pretty pissed at those lady-hatin’ fools on a regular basis, has issued a new decree for us to obey, and it is about gays, and how Jesus of Nazareth would be just fine with gay marriage, as long as everybody treats each other nice-like and isn’t abusive: Read more on Jimmy Carter Says Gay Boning Is Just All Right With Jesus…
  leave the former presidents aloooooooooone!

Mean Sen. Joni Ernst Takes Castratin’ Knife To Former Presidents’ Allowance Moneys

Oh, they look happy NOW.
Hey there, former presidents of the US and A — that would be Clinton, Carter and those two Bush brats — thanks for serving your country and all by BEING PRESIDENT OF IT, but Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Pig Spaying), and her Republican friends Marco Rubio and Mark Kirk, want to take away all the fun moneys you get for being Former Presidents. This is very mean, and you should all, in a bipartisan way, get together to tell them exactly where they ought to get fucked with whatever pig genitals Ernst removed most recently: Read more on Mean Sen. Joni Ernst Takes Castratin’ Knife To Former Presidents’ Allowance Moneys…
  department of gotcha questions

Republican Candidates Agree: The Best Living President Is Ronald Reagan’s Rotting Corpse

It would seem that getting stumped by really simple questions isn’t a problem limited to Jeb Bush being A Idiot. ALL the 2016 Republican candidates are doing it! CNN’s Chris Moody traveled to the South Carolina Freedom Summit, where all the wingnut hopefuls were gathered, and he had one tough gotcha question: “Who’s the best living president?” The hilariously pitiful answer, from all the candidates? NONE OF THEM, KATIE, and also Ronald Reagan’s decomposed bones. No, really, these are their answers: Read more on Republican Candidates Agree: The Best Living President Is Ronald Reagan’s Rotting Corpse…
  winner winner chicken dinner

We Suck At Judging Caption Contests Like You People Suck At Writing Them

Seriously, you people
Hey, Wonkaloos, after much time and consideration, and the realization that we had to actually go back and read the damned things, we have selected a winner for your Presidents Day Caption Contest, which we figured you might suck at, and by god, you lived up to our expectations! The first prize should be two tickets to 50 Shades of Grey, but not even we are that cruel. But here is Your First Prize Winner, by Blank Ron: Read more on We Suck At Judging Caption Contests Like You People Suck At Writing Them…
  There probably won't be any winners

Here Is Your Presidents Day Caption Contest, For You To Suck At

Seriously, you people
OK, people, you know how this works. Here is a photograph. (Look up, dummies.) You will attempt to write a caption for it in the comments, which we do not allow. You will probably suck at it, because whenever we give you fun photos to caption, you write the worst goddamned captions imaginable, we would fire all of you if we could, sheesh. And no, we do not understand what your problem is, you are so funny all the other times in the comments, which we do not allow. Why else do you think we keep you around? Read more on Here Is Your Presidents Day Caption Contest, For You To Suck At…
  Just Remember You're A Living Organism On This Planet And You're Safe

Here Is A Jimmy Carter Caption Contest, For Your Weekend Amusement!

Historian Michael Beschloss tweeted this awesome picture of James Earl Carter wearing an Allman Brothers T-Shirt while campaigning in 1976, and Twitter smart person Seth Cansler Clark summed up its content quite succinctly: “GEORGIA AS HELL!” Read more on Here Is A Jimmy Carter Caption Contest, For Your Weekend Amusement!…
  Jimmy Build World

Jimmy Carter Built That

This looks a lot like 'puttering'
We have some Nice Time for you, and it is Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter building more houses for more people, as they do. This Habitat for Humanity house is in Fort Worth, Texas, one of over a hundred homes in the Dallas-Fort Worth area that Habitat is building or repairing in a manic burst of barn-raising this week. Read more on Jimmy Carter Built That…